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Witches' Brew: April 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Exotic Treat of The Week: Jason Momoa

Actor, Model and father to Lisa Bonet's 2 youngest children...but don't let that stop your woody... I'll just shut up.. read about him here, if you insist.

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Ask A Dude: The ReMix

My 'favorite' Ask a Dude has a question of his own to ask. Lord Help us.

DUDE: Do me a favor.. take a survey of your male friends for me? Hell, u might want it for your blog. I've asked some guys I know... and most are balking at the question.. and only 1 answered but I don't think he is realistic. Anyway..the question is...

BIANCA: "Do any of you handsome fellas wanna make love to a brother named DUDE?" (notice how he ignores me...)

DUDE: If you are involved with a married or seriously involved women. and she gets pregnant, and it's probably yours--but she can and prefers to pass it off as her husband's. Will you fukk up their relationship by wanting your child...or will u let sleeping dogs lie and let her live her life?

BIANCA: is that what you asked them? lmao dude that question is nuts, It's a human being. How is it a sleeping dog?!

DUDE: No..the sleeping dog is the woman's perfectly fine family, with husband that loves her...and doesn't know she cheated--- she is pregnant with the outside man's child but will pass it off to her husband as his own.

BIANCA: I get that, but if you have a baby... that you know about and don't claim it, are you a MAN? And if she gave a fuck about her "happy" marriage you wouldn't be up in her RAW, would you?

DUDE: OK.. so can u ask your male friends without trying to be biased and guide their opinions please..b/c u already took a position and I don't think u can ask impartially now.

BIANCA: Trust me, I can totally do that... (man get your own blog if you want unbiased!)

DUDE: BTW..this isn't me! LOL I need to throw out that disclaimer
cause u know if it was..I would tell you. (SADLY, I BELIEVE HE WOULD)

Enjoy my boy who is NOT the father, a classic:

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bump and Grind Me in that Ferrari....... Oh Yeah!!

Okay I'm usually not a car hoe but if I knew a dude that owned this here 'Red Ferrari Bubble Convertible' joint, I'd do all kinds of nastiness to him at a moment's notice just for a ride to the corner bodega. WHOO WHEEE!!!! It's bizarre and odd looking and creepy and beautiful all at the same time.

Trust, I would have an extremely hard time keeping my pannies on in that bad boy, matter fact.... scratch the pannies altogether!!

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Get Fingered By Fekkai

If you’re looking for a springy look AND you'll be in NYC tomorrow, hop on over to the 5th Ave Sephora (between 48th and 49th) and let Frédéric Fekkai touch your locks. I know, you’d rather he touch your lady lumps…patience, my friend, patience.

The acclaimed stylist will be there from 11 am – 2 pm to give consultations to the hair-curious. Of course, he’ll also be pimping his at-home line Salon Color (no one does anything for free).

Get in line early. The great Frédéric is not taking appointments.

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Swine Safety

Allow the Brew to get serious for a minute. This swine flu is no joke (as we're told by CNN 24 hours a day). It’s time to do the common sense things your Grandma told you: wash your nasty hands, don’t eat/drink after folks, don't go to work/school if you're sick and -above all- quit kissing random people all willy-nilly.

Now the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is out with its travel advisory on the swine (or "H1N1") flu. The CDC recommends avoiding all non-essential travel to Mexico. In other words, the hedonistic trip you planned to Cancun can wait. Adjust your plans accordingly.

If you must travel, pack a mask. You know, like the one your manicurist wears down at the nail shop on 3rd. Ask her for one.

And lastly, wipe it down! Load up on the Purell, baby wipes (ask Terrence Howard for some) and anything alcohol-based that can kill germs on surfaces. No, that doesn’t mean pack your Hennessy to wipe down the tray table. Have some manners!

Be safe out there...this flu is spread through contact! By all means, keep eating your bacon. Life's joy should not be stopped because a few people got the sniffles.

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True Happiness......

I wonder what the hell Nell Carter was thinking of in this pic, a cheeseburger perhaps??? Image ok ok , I know, I'm an awful awful person, the woman is dead but seriously I wanna feel that kinda joy. I think the last time I was that happy was when I found out there was gonna be a sale at my fav place to buy hair, 50% off on top of the line Brazilian/Indian hair no less! That and when I found out they were putting a Chipotle close to my residence when I still lived in VA, I mean I wanted to tongue kiss the lil burrito guy Image

What are some things that make you genuinely happy? Here are some of mine:

gettin felt up (the kind that doesn't end in sex)

some new shoes

gettin felt up (the kind that ends with you gettin your wig displaced! YEAH!!)

kissing a boy who actually knows how to kiss and doesn't try to suck my entire face and head in his mouth

shopping with my mamas money or anyone's money for that matter

knocking things over by accident with my butt (that thing has a mind if it's own and it's so fun!)

witnessing people do kind things when no one is watching

the butterflies you feel when you think you might be falling in love


giggling about boys and life with my girls

lemon pound cake

that light feeling you have after you take a good dump

chicken and waffles

new hair

getting my teeth cleaned

when young boys lie and tell me I look no older than 26 cause they wanna 'smash the old homie', loves that!

the smell of fresh cut grass

soreness in my buttocks after working out

that rosy after workout glow (can be from either cardio or coitus, either one!)

ribs from Famous Dave's

ribs from Famous Dave's (oh my bad I said that twice, just in case you don't get it...... ribs from Famous Dave's )

and a slice of cake from Cake Love

These are some of the things that make a lady like me feel absolutely devine. What are some of yours?


Celebrity Love Letter: Lloyd

I dig your smile, boo. Sure, you have a pretty delightfully healthy mane (though I'm not one of those broads who goes all crazy for a man with lustrous locks- poking holes in condoms praying to upgrade my baby's hair to Octoroon Status) and I can definitely do with out the cornball cornrows. But, I like what you've got under them there clothes..and again..the smile.

Maybe it's the pearly white teeth, the smokin' hot body...the fact that you could pass for a Dell customer service tech in New Delhi call-center,that gets my motor going.
Or could it be that you remind me of my childhood crush?

Oh, I almost forgot to ask...wanna do it?

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And Since We're Talking About Grooming: Sh!t That Pisses a B off...The Wednesday Edition

Dear Makeup Applying Bitch on my Daily Commute (yes that is really her):

If I have to watch you prime and Spackle that old wrinkly face ONE more day- I swear to White Jesus and all the Bi-racial Apostles, and Mexican Angels....I will slap you. I want to know how EVERRY morning your tacky ass is running so late, that you have to perform your grooming ritual EN ROUTE!? Get up 10 minutes's a novel idea- WAIT TIL You get to the office.

You have no idea how close you are to a beat down. For my freedom...please, I implore you: GROOM AT HOME!

Note: To this heffa who is grooming her child on the bus, while wearing a head scarf- like they are at home... I hate you.

Say it with me people:


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Ladies, ladies ladies..... now I know we all can't be massengil fresh every hour of everyday but why am I smelling vagi-snatch through your clothes???Image Smellin like the 'catch-0-the-day' is not the jump off my friends. Let's be a little more thorough when we are washing our asses? mmmkay.

Let's worry a little less about designer bags and the like and step up that hygiene game, it's only right. The young lady in question was very well dressed and attractive but sweet jeebus she was rank!! It just ain't right for a woman to smell like that so I just wanted to post this brief PSA to all my lady friends. Fly chicks look and smell pretty, especially in the 'lady parts'. Remember what Biggie said "Dey the ones I like cause dey they don't get nathan but penetration, unless it smells like sanitation....."

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“Pretty Wings”

Maxwell is back! Let’s all exhale in unison. The crooner is releasing his first album in 8 years. The new work, "BLACKsummer'snight," is due out in July. Maxwell is touring this summer to promote the new project, including headlining a night at the Essence Music Festival.

The first single, “Pretty Wings,” debuted yesterday. Click below and relish in the moment…

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The World Wide Web.......

Ok look! the information available to us is now limitless now that we live in the age of the WWW. There is nothing you can't find out, no reason to ask "hey what's a sea moose?" or "how do I spell cat?" or "where is that store located?" THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN'T FIND OUT ON THE WWW, NOTHING! It can make even the dumbest person appear to be smart. I beg you, please stop asking questions when a computer machine is right in front of you!!!

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When Pranks Go Wrong.....

As someone who has had water thrown on her in her sleep, I can assure you that this kind of prank is NOT funny!!!


Celebrity News

People magazine has released its 100 Most Beautifulest People issue. This year's winner is actress Christina Applegate a.k.a. Kelly Bundy. Gorgeous!
The rest of the list is made up of a lot of the usual suspects, a few newbies and even some members of President Obama's team. Riddle me this Batman. Why is this list relevant? Is it so unfortunate looking people can feel badly about losing at the gene pool of life? We want to make the "strong-in-the-face" crowd feel better. So we came up with a list of The Brew's Most Repulsive Celebrities. 

The list is long and we're still adding but here's a sneak peak

Most Reptilian-Like Award
Weezy F. Baby

Glad you don't have Scratch 'n Sniff  TV Award
Gucci Mane

The Jergen's Lotion Challenge Award
Gary Coleman

Stay tune for more sexiness!!!!

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Outsourcing for Good

AP reports that Matthew Broderick and SJP are expecting twins via surrogate.

I for one think this is awesome, I have always been a believer that 'It doesn't have to come out of your vagi-cat to be a mother, to it!" (And, having a kid-doesn't necessarily make you a PARENT).


On a completely shallow note, Let's hope they new additions are girls, the closet game they are being born into is SICK!


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Shady Face

Eminem graces the cover of the latest issue of Vibe Magazine. It's the Second Annual Real Rap Issue, and uh, Eminem, I appreciate that you're trying your lil comeback and whatnot.
But, how do I ask this nicely, WHAT HAPPENED TO YO' FACE?

Here's the old Em, in case you forgot.

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Explain to me how I'm up at 5:00 am this morning, I go for my morning run, come back and just lounge around, stare at myself repeatedly in the mirror (it's a sickness I have), painted my nails, packed my lunch, practiced some dance moves, tried on some outfits, I mean basically just doing a bunch of nonsense. I finally leave the house and as soon as I get in my car and drive off, BAM! the urge to take a dump overtakes me but now I'm just about to get on the highway so there's no turning back. I mean all that foolishness I was doing this morning and you think my bowels woulda set off while I was doing nothing but now here I am driving to work squeezing my damn butt cheeks together Image. Man I can't catch a break.

There is nothing worse than having to take a dump while in transit, you hear me? NOTHING!!!

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Gotti's Way or the Highway....

So I watched the last season as I was sucked into the drama that is Irv Gotti and how he's too exotic to love his baby mouva Deb the way a real man should because he's just not sure he's ready to give up humping random ladies, huh?. He's more than willing to buy her houses, pay her bills and give her and the kids whatever it is they need except the thing that would mean the most to them.... him. Last season we were left with Deb still struggling with the decision to move on and start dating (of course Irv is mucho uncomfy with this, typical!) I find it peculiar that Irv's parents have been together for years though and yet he finds it earth shattering to make this kind of commitment to Deb.

Hmmm, go figure, I guess being out there and playing STD poker is more palatable than living with your family. Wonder if he likes his herpes on ice or straight no chaser????

Gotti's Way Season 2 Trailer ( from Miss Info on Vimeo.

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"DUH!!" Moment in History: Not So DL Edition...

So Terry is sticking to her story that she didn't know this sir was a ma'am, like seriously Terry? She thought this dude was straight??? like eva? now don't get me wrong I'm sure in my lifetime I've probably kissed or even dated a sexually confused man cause these days it truly is hard to tell with all the homo thuggery shenanigans and what not, but this dude clearly has a hankering for man lovin and more importantly, he has a "JUST FOR ME" PERM!!!


Oh dear........ she's making my head hurt.....


Celebrity Lost and Found: Lisa Nicole Carson

Where is Lisa Nicole Carson??? Does anyone know? Has anyone seen her? How come she doesn't get work? I thought she was a pretty decent actress (although I coulda done without the alleyway boinking with her and Treach in Jason's Lyric, ewww!)

She was my fav in "Devil in a Blue Dress"

Awwww come back Lisa!


Celebrity Letter: Sanaa Lathan

Dear Sanaa, you are my "girl crush" for so many reasons. You're classy, not trashy and the cameras never catch you out doing "hood rat stuff". You're the anti-Gabrielle Union. You're in two of my favorite movies and for that, hats off. Plus, you're an Ivy League girl, which means you've got smart real good. So why are you suddenly hanging with Kim Kard-ass-ian? I'm not understanding the flow here. You're both hot, but with her it's a different kind. I mean didn't she make a sex tape with Ray-J? Girl my granny always said pick your friends like you pick your fruit! This reality-show whore will suck the swagga from you with the quickness. Plus, she "smashed the homie"!

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Things Negroes Like: Scorcher Edition

You’d have to be living under a rock (or in a freezer) not to know it’s been hot in the Northeast for the last couple of days. I think I saw Lucifer himself sipping on an Arizona yesterday. So, in honor of the hotness, it’s time for a roundup of the things you Negroes like to do in hot weather.

Run it…


The Negroes love to grill. Whether you have a backyard, live in an apartment or tote your ribs to the local park, if the Negro has charcoal, then it’s on and poppin’. The first warm day of the year really should not be an excuse to fire it up though. At least wait for a string of hot days before you start cranking out potato salad and marinating your chickens.

Coronas (With Lime, Of Course)

This is the closest the African Americans get to going “international” with their drinking habit. When the Heineken becomes passé, break out the cooler, head to the “cookout”, drop a lime in your Corona, put your pinky out and enjoy.

Fire Hydrants

You know the Negroes can’t swim but we will douse ourselves in some good ole taxpayer hydrant water. Yum!

Pedicures With Acrylic Tips

I don’t get the fascination with a long nail on your big toe. People are actually PAYING folks to do this to their toes. What’s the point? Is it multifunctional? Are you using it to chop down trees? Scratch backs? Dig up the garden? I mean really, what does it do (other than make you look a little monkey-like)? Don’t get mad at me, I’m just observing.

Wife Beaters
No, not this kinda wife beater.

This one.

Now, I’m a fan of a good beater (the shirt, not Chris Brown). A big fan. But only when you’ve got something to show me. Ya know, some pecs and some guns to flex. Otherwise, put your bird back in the cage and girdle that gut.

Well, I’m off to put on my sundress, polish my acrylic toe and look for a beer gut in a wife beater.

Enjoy the heat kiddies…til next time!


Monday, April 27, 2009

Sleepwalking and Sexing???!!

I just read this at couldn't possibly summarize this AT ALL. I just needed to reprint. WTH??

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for "errands" and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f--k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

Dear Scared,
It's hard to believe that the pharmaceutical industry has already solved two of our most vexing problems: How to get men to do weekend chores, and how to induce attractive strangers to have sex with you while being able to swear that you haven't cheated. If this gets around, soon we'll be living in a world where people are gobbling Ambien out of Pez containers. Driving, eating, even trying to cast congressional votes while under the influence of Ambien are all well-documented. Scroll around the Internet and you will also find individual accounts of Ambien-fueled sex—which the nondrugged participants claim is more creative and uninhibited than when their partner is awake. However good you may have been in bed, you need to keep the other woman from contacting you and asking for further services. Call her and try to explain. Tell her that, as hard as it is to believe, you have recently been prescribed several medications, you accidentally mixed them up, and as a result you have no memory of the events of the weekend. Say you're very sorry if you behaved irresponsibly but that you can't be in touch with her. Don't ask for details—you want to preserve your amnesiac deniability. And since you don't know what you did, you're hardly in a position to confess anything to your wife. From now on, when you have trouble drifting off, forget the Ambien and brew yourself a nice cup of chamomile tea.


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WB's Cornball Corner: Kobe Bryant

I admit when Kobe Bryant first burst on the scene I was smitten. He's tall, handsome and could speak Italian. What more is there? Over the years though my love for the Kobe has waned, considerably. It started when dissed his father and married that crazy weffa Vanessa when she was still in high school, then it was the rape charge, then he ratted out his teammates about their jumpoff activities breaking the "Bros before Hoes" code! Classic bitchassness if you ask me. Now, he's messing with Spike Lee and I don't like it. Spike directed the film, "Kobe: Doin' Work". Lee had worked for months to get permission from Bryant, the Lakers and Coach Phil Jackson. It was supposed to be a day-in-the-life of that tall bama. So what does Bryant do at the last minute. He suddenly said he would not cooperate unless he was granted creative control! Spike Lee tried to contact Kobe on the phone to work things out but Kobe's ass wouldn't take his calls. The award-winning director even drove to Kobe's exclusive gated community, but couldn't get in! WTF? Kobe you should be happy someone wants to do a program on your ass! I guess they worked things out. Page Six is reporting the Lee "completely yielded" to the big baby's wishes. The flick was screened last weekend at the Tribeca Film Festival. Bryant is known to be a control freak when it comes to his image. I get all that but come on Kob, it's like that? Really? For that you are the cornball of the week, weak, weak! Now, like Shaquille O'Neal said, "tell me how my ass tastes..."

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Sh!t That Pisses a B Off!!

Have you ever woken up so far on the wrong side of the bed, that you want to punch someone in the nose? Like ANYONE, unlucky enough to say your name...or breathe? It's like someone pissed all up in your cornflakes, and you did’nt even want no stinking cornflakes in the first place!? That’s how I feel this sunny --about to be 91 degrees, April morning. Maybe, I just need to do a little venting...

...Here’s a list of some shizz that’s been pissing a B. off:

Ignoramus’ that keep the 100% wool on their coats. All winter I would see you idiots out and about, touting your stance on your fabric of choice. What kind of a retard are you? SNIP THE LABEL off!! Do you think your coat was made at the HOUSE OF 100% WOOL?? Idiot. And now that it’s Spring-can you tap your friend and tell them to cut the little X of thread at the pleat or opening of their raincoat? White Jesus, says thank you. Man, you people are stooopid.

And also....Assholes who still the term ‘hating’ because their vocabulary is too stunted to think of any other word...lace yourself up with a thesaurus dim-wit. No one is “hating” on your cousin TayTay and her 5 bastard illegitimate chirrens with 6 different men, her ass don’t need to be in a club. Period. Ever. AND she’s a hoe! End of debate!

And.... you idiots who go online to staunchly defend the honor of your favorite celebu-tard. Do you get Beyonce Bucks to spend at House of Deron or something?

Mostly annoying...

The fact that I spent the better part of my Sunday afternoon wondering who RayFockingJ. was gonna choose.. "Skank or No-Skank the Vagisil Rumble in the Jungle", holding out slight hope for humanity, that a non-skank could possibly win in a reality tv ‘Skank-Off’....I’m such a patsy. In his words he could not go with non-skank because he felt he had to ‘step up his game’ to impress her and her family. GOD FORBID YOU TRY TO IMPRESS SOMEONE, RAYFOCKINGJ! Your stellar career as a songstress (that is not a typo) and porn boy, does NOT warm the hearts of mother’s everwhere?? Really?! REALLY?!

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"I'm gone kill this lil mafugga with a hammer!!" ..... Mom warns 911

Ok we all know the black mom means business.... serious business! This audio is part comedy and part yikes! My mom used to say colorful things to me like "I'm gonna break your neck" followed by actual attempts to follow through. The black mom does not engage in idol threats, they are bout it!

However, this hammer situation is a bit much though I do appreciate the fact that she intervened on herself by calling 911 before she actually hammered the mofo, LOL!

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

Blonde Ambition?

Reggie Bush's ball carrier (ok, that was harsh), Kim Kardashian has gone...wait for it...BLONDE!

The former stylist, boutique owner, "model", reality TV star (uh, what does she do again?) revealed the new look on her Twitter page today.

So, you likey? Do you care? What's your call?

UPDATE: It's a wig. It must be one of Beyonce's leftovers from the wig crypt cuz you sure coulda fooled me with this one.

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When The Checks Stop Coming In... Reunite!

Times must be tough.  Teddy Riley is digging in the crates and reuniting with both Guy and Blackstreet.

Riley told an Atlanta audience that both groups are preparing new material.  

This will be the first time in nearly a decade that the two groups have come together. all I'm waiting on is a bald headed Chauncey sighting!

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