BET Awards: Play by Play

7:58 pm: T-2 minutes til the start of the BET Awards and the highly-anticipated tribute to Michael Jackson. I've got my Jesus Juice ready and I've taken my pee break. Let's get it!

8:00 pm: BET kicks off the show with a replay of MJ putting the cape on James Brown... cue to New Edition cranking that "I Want You Back/ABC" medley. Somewhere, our very own Vanessa is creaming her pannies!
P.S. Ralph Tresvant...where have you been and why are you the only one in tune?

8:02 pm: Somebody turn Bobby's mic on... On second thought, DON'T!

8:03 pm: To quote Randy "American Idol" Jackson... "You're sounding a lil pitchy, dawg!"

8:04 pm: Jamie Foxx comes out in a tight ass Thriller get-up. Not sure how I feel about this. Hmmm...

8:06 pm: Jamie leads crowd in a mammasaymammasahmammakusah call and response and a series of jokes. Stephen Hill, didn't you get my memo? Where the hell is Beyonce? Paging Chris Brown. Why is Jamie still on? Didn't I tell ya'll there'd be some Jamie coonin'? Who's next?

8:11 pm: Jamie announces his camel toe. Can I turn the channel yet?

8:12 pm: Jamie moonwalks. I'd rather see Chris Brown do "Beat It." (oops...maybe he shouldn't beat anything else)

8:13 pm: Tyra Banks enters (her forehead appears first though)

8:14 pm: LeBron James gets Best Athlete Award. Will he walk off without shaking Tyra's hand like he did Orlando?

8:15 pm: Lil Wayne wins Best Hip Hop. But did Tyra just call him Lil Weezer?

8:20 pm: Maxwell "Pretty Wings" commercial airs. So what, it's not a part of the show. Sue me!

8:21 pm: Jamie's now wearing the Billie Jean get-up. Sadly, he didn't get the cue that the show started.

8:22 pm: Keri Hilson takes the stage. Again, WHERE IS BEYONCE? I need more MJ tribute action.

8:25 pm: Keri does a mini-MJ tribute (or was she doing a tribute to the Fonz?). Epic fail? I dunno. I'm still hoping for more.

8:26 pm: Word to White Jesus, here comes Ne-Yo. And he took the hat off!

8:29 pm: Joe Jackson sighting. Doesn't he kinda look like the devil?

8:34 pm: Bump back in with a mini MJ montage of his videos. Aside from Ne-Yo, the first 30 minutes were a snooze. See, you shoulda called me Stephen! And why is Anthony Anderson wearing that suit?

8:35 pm: KeKe Palmer inadvertently plugs her album with a "Who's Loving You" verse. Blah. Can this Bobb'e Thompson boy just do the friggin' Nike puppet voice already?

8:36 pm: Are you forkin' kidding me. 36 minutes into the show and Jamie is singing the damn T-Pain Goose Nuvo song already? Ah well, at least Travis Barker was a bright spot.

8:47 pm: Who.the.fork.let.Soulja.Boy.in.the.Shrine.Auditorium?

8:48 pm: Can I gouge my eyes out now?

8:49 pm: Amber Rose sighting. Who has more hair, her or Kanye?

8:51 pm: Letoya Luckett on stage with Chaka Khan and Estelle. I didn't think Mathew Knowles would allow Letoya inside the Shrine. Maybe Beyonce isn't in the building yet.

8:52 pm: Jamie Foxx, T-Pain and T-Pain's $400K "Big Ass Chain" win the best collaboration award. Quoting my boy Richard: "I Hope They Put T-Pain's Big Ass Chain In MJ's Casket..."
My sentiments exactly!

8:54 pm: Ne-Yo wins best male R&B artist and all he can say is "Damn, damn..." Oh, then he thanks White Jesus and Def Jam.

8:55 pm: Can Trey Songz read?

8:59 pm: BET honors the normal people who do good work. Somehow, I can't buy this with Jamie wearing the Beat It jacket and after he just blamed it on the Goose.

9:00 pm: Finally! Beyonce!

9:01 pm: Beyonce does the Ave Maria without PANTS? WTF?

9:02 pm: I'm getting up right now to send a care package of pants to Beyonce, Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.

9:04 pm: Did Beyonce clear that song with the pet commercial and Sarah McLachlan?

9:05 pm: That was beautiful, B! Is that Italian (read: EYE-talian)?
Was she a bride, an angel, MJ's angel taking him to Heaven? I'm lost...

9:11 pm: Jamie tosses to a "movie" promo that took a few shots at Tyler Perry and features Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx in their Shenehneh and Wanda drag. Clearly, BET put a lot of pre-production into the show and they don't want to lose their money by just doing a full-on MJ tribute.

9:13 pm: Arsenio Hall sighting, in the audience though.

9:14 pm: I'm now wishing Monique was hosting this show.
Mary Mary takes the stage. Them girls got some hips. (Don't strike me White Jesus)

9:16 pm: Aww shucks, King Queen Latifah's in the building with Mary Mary! And she's rapping, not doing that sangin' thing.
Wait, did dude just thank his SEARS co-workers? *Dead!*

9:21 pm: MC Lyte doing the voice over. Aww shucks, paychecks still coming in!
Nichelle Nichols is in the ladies room so Zoe Saldana has to present the award by herself. $20 bucks says Nichelle was in there getting it onnnnn with Captain James T. Kirk!

9:23 pm: Taraji P. Henson wins best actress award. Is this show on speed or something? We don't even get the full list of nominees? Can we get a fullscreen list or something? Is Taraji rockin' a mullet? Is it that hard out there for a pimp?

9:25 pm: Keri Hilson wins best new artist. Something tells me we weren't supposed to hear that snippet of her song with the words "big shit poppin'". Ooops, BET!

9:27 pm: Jamie sings that independent song. I'm sorry, is this the Jamie Foxx show?
Here comes Ne-Yo with that bald head again. This reminds me of the first time I saw LL Cool J's head and wanted him to put the hat back on.
Fabolous joins the party. Every time I see him, I check to see if that tooth's been fixed........ FAIL!

9:30 pm: Oh, NOW Ne-Yo thanks MJ. It's all good Mr. Yo. Singing Lady In My Life was enough.

9:31 pm: Keith Sweat is still begging. Keith Sweat still has Duke curl products in his hair. Some things never change.

9:33 pm: Guy takes the stage. That Crazy Legs dude is still dancing, but what the heck happened to Aaron Hall's voice? Does he smoke?

9:34 pm: Bell Biv DeVoe performing Poison. Vanessa's poopin' her pants! Somewhere Bobby Brown is mad these dudes get to perform twice.
Does this mean that New Jack Swing stuff is making a comeback?
What's up, Troop can't get no love? Mamacita...

9:42 pm: The Real Housewives of Atlanta without Kim? Was she "tardy to the party?" Epic fail!
No words for you Mr. Ray J.

9:43 pm: Uh, could we get an intro for Ciara? Who signed off on her singing a ballad?

9:45 pm: Paula Patton & Mike Epps. Where's Robin Thicke? Can we see him?
Aww shucks, Monica & Keyshia Cole. Let the party begin! Is Keyshia wearing a Peggy Bundy outfit?
I sure hope those Monica stans come back here and comment!
Eh, I preferred this song more when it was called "The Boy Is Mine."

9:51 pm: Let me get a sip of this Jesus Juice. Where the heck is Chris Brown already? I'm ready for a real MJ performance.

9:55 pm: Jamie tells the story of the Black mayor of Philadelphia, MS but the dude doesn't get to talk. Womp, womp.

9:57 pm: Jeremy Piven & Marlon Wayans present best female R&B artist but, first, they must give a shout out to Joe Jackson. Beyonce wins.
Joe Jackson takes a good look at Beyonce's rump as she walks to the stage. You ain't slick Joe!

10:00 pm: Jay-Z kills Autotune!!!!!!!!! Swagger on 100 now that he cut that awful Michael Evans 'fro.
Funny he's killing Autotune after Jamie and T-Pain won for it tonight.
Sidebar: Jazmine Sullivan is doing cotton commercials? A check is a check...

10:09 pm: Crazed fans in the nosebleed seats take out the BET camera man. Hey, everyone needs some shine, I guess.

10:10 pm: Day 26 introduces Don Cornelius. I thought he was doing time for wife beating?
Suddenly, this show just earned 15 extra minutes because you know Don can't say a sentence in 5 minutes.

10:12 pm: Al Sharpton sighting. Damn, his edges are tighter than mine. Paging a perm...paging a relaxer...stat!

10:13 pm: Don Cornelius begins the O'Jays tribute.

10:15 pm: TEVIN CAMPBELL!!!
Should we go get Kathy Griffin and the rest of the D list?

10:17 pm: Johnny Gill left Eddie Murphy's guest house long enough to join Trey Songz and Tyrese to tribute the young O'Jays.
Sidebar: This Trey kid is kinda sexay. You don't need to be able to read to be my man. I'm just sayin'...

10:22 pm: Oh shucks, they're singing Stairway To Heaven... I think I just heard panties drop across the street!

10:27 pm: And Don Cornelius is still talking!
Finally, the O'Jays take the stage. Uh, why is the new O'Jay allowed to talk. Get your Michelle Williams on and let Eddie and Walter talk.
Did Walter just thank Donnie Simpson? Donnie don't play no O'Jays music anymore.

10:30 pm: Eddie Levert takes the stage. Is he gonna talk about Gerald and Sean? Grab my tissues. Please don't make me cry.

10:31 pm: Eddie said "shit"... haaa. Too late BET censors!
What, no mention of your kids?

10:33 pm: The Mighty O'Jays take the stage. They're doing Let Me Make Love To Ya Baby. I think I may have been conceived to this song. I'm just sayin'...
Now they're doing For The Love of Money. Doesn't Donald Trump own this song now?

10:37 pm: Norwood Young & Niecy Nash sighting. Is she wearing gold lame?

10:43 pm: Johnny Gill tells his story of first meeting MJ back at the Grammy's at an afterparty. How you doin'?

10:47 pm: Sherri Shepard and Idris Elba introduce Debra Lee but first, Idris sends a prayer to Catherine Jackson. The man has class and a sexy accent.

10:49 pm: Debra Lee gives props to Stephen Hill, BET employees and celebrities for putting this BET Awards show together in honor of MJ. Mmmm, I'm not convinced yet.

10:52 pm: Debra announced Wyclef Jean and Mashonda's husband stealer Alicia Keys will get the humanitarian award. Alica won for her work in Africa. Wyclef won for his work in Haiti. He also reminded us he came from a hut.
Sidebar: Where are they hiding Maxwell?

11:06 pm: Taraji is back. Tyrese thinks he's Baby Boy still. And, scene...

11:08 pm: Taraji and Tyrese present the viewer's choice award to T.I. and Rihanna for Live Your Life. T.I.'s babymamma Tiny accepts it. I'm not even gonna say anything. Sigh.

11:10 pm: Now Ving Rhames wants to get in on the re-creation of Baby Boy. I'm over already. Why couldn't he come out butterball nekkid like he did in the movie? Then, I'd have something to blog about.
Uh, someone tell Ving these are not the BET Video Awards.
Beyonce wins video of the year for Single Ladies. Aww, a little peck for Mr. Carter.

11:13 pm: Jamie plugs his tour. But you already knew he was going to do that, right?

11:14 pm: Ok, Maxwell. I can die now.

Sorry, blog break.

11:20 pm: Okay, I'm back. All systems shut down when Maxwell is on. Even my Momma called me. Oh, that man and his Pretty Wings (now that's how you do falling feathers, take note Beyonce!)

11:24 pm: More real people get awards (Food From The Hood organization) but again, we don't get any comments from them.

11:25 pm: Drake performs with Lil Wayne and the rest of those Cash Money people. I'm sorry dude, you were on DeGrassi. I can't with you.

11:26 pm: Lil Mama sighting. Wonder where she got that ponytail? She should return it.

11:27 pm: BET censors suck. I really did not need to hear Lil Wayne tell me he had that "dope dick." Eww... I need a shower.

11:31 pm: Mom calls me and I quote: "Now this is some filth...are those girls underage?"

11:37 pm: Aww damn. Tearjerker. Here comes Janet Jackson! She says to the audience, Michael was an icon. To her, he was family. God is surely lifting her up. She looks strong.

11:39 pm: Jamie & Ne-Yo sing I'll Be There. Touching moment. But are there any other crooners there besides Jamie? Where's Mariah?
Ne-Yo touches my heart. I love that guy. He gets the magnitude of this moment.

11:42 pm: Show ends.

I'm left feeling a little duped. While there were several songs done in tribute to Michael and performers like Keri Hilson and Ciara gave a nod to him with their wardrobe, I just wanted to see a full on Michael Jackson moment. Breaking news catches the unprepared with their pants down. Perhaps that was the case here? Maybe I just expected too much for 3 days of preparation. I know how hard it is to pull off breaking news, so decent job BET. I think?!?

Good night!
-Jem.