The Witches’ Brew Recession Job Retaining Guide for Coloreds

In these trying times, not getting a pink slip is a reason to party. But even in the midst of lay-offs, corp. heads are merrily using this season of panic and uncertainty to relieve themselves of dead weight or even people they just don’t so much like. (Read that At-Will employment clause, closely).

Here are some tips for recession proofing your gig:

1. Please refrain from heating up your ghetto ass lunch in the office microwave. A plate of chit’lins has no place in an office. I once worked with a long term temp who stunk up the entire side of the suite, with those vinegary innards. Her ass was out of there, not but 24 hours later. Coincidence? I think not. Personally, I don't know why anyone would be eating this nastiness in the first place, but a turkey sammy never got anyone shit canned. Trust and believe!

2. Stop bragging about your lack of work ethic. The first broad to go at my company, was one who claimed she never answered her office phone. “If people want me, I’ve trained them to email me!” She bragged, as I watched her ignore a persistent phone ring. Incredible.

3. Spoon-feed bits and pieces of your life to co-workers. Nothing YT loves more than to know your business. I don’t know why, but that’s how they do. Give them just enough to feel like they know you: “That K. is a great girl! You know she plays tennis and volunteers at the food bank.” they don’t need to know that after the food bank, you also work as a part time dominatrix. Use discretion. These people are not your friends no matter how many flip cup tournaments you watch them play in!

4. Make it to the office outings. Just do it. Somehow they have equated that if you do not go to the office Basketball game, you are not a team player. JUST get your ass there, have a beer and shut the fug up! (Peep the one black woman, she is NO FOOL!)

5. With a lower head count comes more work. That’s just how the math adds up. When you are getting 5 other peoples work, just shut the hell up and smile. Take that reaming with zero lube, and like it. Complain at home, or to a trusted work ally. NOT the person giving you the work. If they fuggin cared they wouldn’t be over taxing your black ass, would they? Realize they think they are doing you a favor by keeping you around. That’s right. A favor. Suck it up, and pretend to play along.

7. Your attitude goes a long way. I’m not talking about shucking and jiving. But if you had to chose between the pleasant person who may diplomatically disagree with you, and the crazy eyed hose-beast who will bite your head off for daring to step to her office door...who would you choose?

8. Think creatively, to create a niche for yourself and prove your value. Whether that is solving a long persistent issue, or always managing to have a fix for the problem. Use whatever talents you have, strategically and to your advantage.

9. If all else fails, nail your boss. No one likes a sexual harassment suit.