Diary of a Bagel Boy Magnet

ok so splain to me why the bagel engineer at Cosi won't cut me a break. Now I knew as soon as I went in there that I would have to contend with "bagel boy love" (bagel boys usually have a jones for me like you wouldn't believe) but this particular bagel boy is quite disturbing. First off he has like a trillion tattoos all over his physique but the ones on his neck and face are particularly perplexing. I mean I guess you never intend to upgrade your career path once you start putting artwork on your grill huh? So I know he's been gearing up for the past couple of days to find just the right words to get me interested in him so since he couldn't come up with anything he decides to include his # with my morning bagel, on the back of my receipt he writes "hey my name Dominges (yeah you read it right), you reel pritty, call me 202-***-****, oh and P.S. don't be bullshittin"

*Sigh* how come when I walk in the Verizon Center Gilbert Arenas isn't somewhere scheming on a way to get with me? How come when I go to the gym the dude with the best body isn't tripping over treadmills just for a shot at knowing me? How come when I walk into an office building accountants , consultants and VP's aren't dueling it out for my affection? huh? HOW FUCKIN COME????!!! but every bagel engineer and salad prep apprentice in town wants me bad! I mean I could look at the bright side I suppose, I love to eat and they all in one way or another are involved with food but sometimes you have to draw a line that not even my greed will allow me to cross