Brew True Stories: Dates From Hell

I'd only been in town a few months, and was accepting invitations to any and everything. If someone would have mentioned a meeting in the Ladies Room, I woulda offered to take the minutes. So it was not odd that I found myself on a rooftop deck, enjoying a stranger filled boho-fabulous Cinco de Mayo. This is where I met-damn I don't even remember this clown's Gub'ment name. Let's call him "Creamy Corners Sexy Cellphone". I do, and you'll see why.

Anywhoo, over my cinco-ish margarita, I see homeboy making eyes at me. He's totally not my type (he reminds me of that lame they brought on, during the last season of Living Single. Mel Blackctor somethin' or other...I hate that cat). But I figure new town new rule, besides what's my 'TYPE' gotten me before? Nathan, but penetration! (Cause it never smells like sanitation..bo'kay?!) -we exchange information.

Several days and tons of phone calls to me (seriously, I need to stress that) later, we solidify a date plan-- which he calls the very next day to reschedule. He claims has GOT to go back home (to NY) for the weekend to take care of some business. I don't know any place of business that is on and poppin' on Saturday and Sunday... but I shut my trap and say 'Okay.' He is already shifting onto my 'No, Thank You Sir' list, But trying to be a better more patient and understanding person, I agree to the new next Saturday date.

The following Monday after his weekend ''Business Meetings'' he calls and says 'felt so bad all weekend for cancelling" and has to see me stat! "Let's do lunch." Remembering the new flexible me, I agree. He meets me at my office. In his car I give him a list of at least 6 eateries in the neighborhood that are 'Me' approved-in a myriad of price ranges. I take my meals effin seriously! He ignores all of my suggestions...and pulls into the parking lot of HOPS.

When I say 'You know, I really don't drink beer, or really like the smell of it (it's a personal quirk, but if you are trying to get to know and impress me- you may want to take note of it, no?) plus I was thinking some place a little quicker.'' he ignores me and parks. Already I know it's a wrap... but I try to salvage the rest of my lunch hour and at this point get out as painlessly as possible.

As the waiter is setting up his micro brewery tasting out in front of him. His cell phone rings. He smiles. You know that smile when someone has recently laid some hellafied sexytimes on you and you see thier number in your caller ID- the smile you can't contain. Yea that's the smile. He looks like he considers not answering, but she (or he...you don't know these days) must have dropped some Magic City stylee moves on him-... because he answers. "Heyyyyyy...." he drawls. "oooh yea I left that a your place?(giggle- THE MAN GIGGLED!) oooh man whooo..ahhh'' he mumbles a whole lot of unintelligible things and I try not to listen- but, you know.. I'm SITTING AT THE TABLE!

The waiter comes to take our food order. One would think this would be a great time for him to hang up. Nope, he covers the phone with his hand, places his order- and gestures at me to place mine. I think I said that I love food, but now I'm pissed and order the quickest thing I see- because I'm friggen starving and want to get out of there stat.

The waiter brings our salads, and dude commences to dumping damn near a bowlful of the creamiest of white dressings on his. All while still talking on the cellphone. He is now not even looking at me. Honestly, I'm stunned into silence at this point. (It is possible, to render a black woman speechless). Now he is chewing and macking in his phone...( All I can think is he must have a powerful weekday calling plan). As he murmurs sweet crazies, the residue of Ranch dressing is pooling in the corners of his mouth. It looks like he's eating a glue sandwich and I am now sick to my stomach. I put my fork down and stare at the large screen TV over his shoulder. I would stare at him in disgust, but it looks like he's having a Ranch dressing orgy and I'm seriously going to puke.

TEN MINUTES LATER This mug is still on the phone as I request the check. He looks startled and says 'Heyyyyyy let me call you back.'' I'm thinking 'please don't on my account.' He does NOT apologize for his rudeness, just keeps talking like he had not be straight phone macking 7 inches in front of me.

"I need to get back to the office." I say firmly and dryly. Looking confused and a bit hurt, he gets his food to go.

Dropping me back off at the office, my foot is out the car before he can even stop it all the way. "Hey girl, we've gotta do this again, soon..' he drawls 'sexily' then do you know this fool had the nerve to lean in FOR A KISS? And Yes, he still had some ranch residue in his corners.