What's Your Groupie Personality?: NBA Edition

With facebook having all those personalty quizzes like "What's your body odor personality"?

A) fresh and clean
B) a lil tart
C) "does anyone smell trout?"
D) "I shower when it rains"

and me simultaneousy making preparations for my trip to the 2010 NBA All Star festivities in Dallas, it got me to wondering if I am what one might consider an NBA groupie. In contemplating this I think I have honed in on some of the more prevalent groupie types......

The Studied and Learned Groupie: this groupie knows absolutely nothing about basketball and when I say nothing, I mean nothing! She says stuff like "man I sure hope Pete Rose makes that home dunk so our guys win the game" However! This woman is smart and she knows as long as the WWW exist she can get herself caught up and appear to be in the basketball know just in time for the game. She's not trying to be the Lisa Leslie of basketball, she just wants to seem knowledgeable enough that no one catches a wiff of her "Groupie" cologne. Ain't nuffin wrong with learning girl!

The "Loud and Proud' Groupie: "Sheeeeiiittt, I got all my turkey basters, date rape drugs and surgical gloves, I'm leaving here pregnant, bump what cha heard!" Nothing more needs to be said about this groupie, girlfriend is focused! She's usually about 250 lbs and wears everything in a size small, as long as it has stretch and gives a little, size is of no issue to her.

The Shy Groupie: She's pretty and soft spoken. Doesn't make waves with anyone and just wants us all to get along. Oh now she a hoe! don't get it twisted.... but she shy with hers cause she read in Vogue that celebrity men like that kinda thing. Never mind that she got caught in her office at work with her finger in her booty just as she was about to sniff it. Ya'll betta watch out for them shy ones, fa real fa real.

The Intermediate Groupie: She likes basketball, knows the lingo and can even get down for hers a lil on the court. She can't roll b-ball stats from the 70's off her tongue from the days when they used to wear pu-nanny shorts but she got you on the current shit. She says stuff like "I do not get all the hoopla, they take a piss just like the rest of us, I refuse to sweat some NBA playa" hmmmm mmmmm, but somehow she neglects to mention that she's been saving for the NBA All Star game for 2 years and even took $1,500 from her income tax check that should have gone to baby Taekwondoe's day care and blew it on some imported weave hair said to be the hair of King Jaffe Joffer's late wife. She doesn't keep it 100 about her intentions but at the same time she's not a full on skank. She's in it for her baby, everyone deserves a better life ya'll....

The Cougar Groupie: This mafuggga right here keeps her shit tight! She's about 4,568 years old but doesn't look a day over 28. She nips and tucks here and there, not on a Lil Kim/Bruce Jenner level, very subtle, you know, just to keep things in order. She doesn't want babies and such as she's so old her vagi-cat qualifies for AARP so clearly that ship has passed, quite frankly she just wants PEEN! but it can't be any old garden variety peen, it must be the peen of a youngin who bounces a ball and is willing to pay top dollar to aid in the maintenance of his fly cougar..... Her gray poon is her signature, it's how she sets herself apart from the young tendas.

And finally.....

The Dork Groupie: She isn't a groupie at all. She actually goes to NBA events because, get this...... she really likes the game..... HUH??? who ever heard of such nonsense???? But yes, it is in fact true, there is a very small percentage of women out there who really enjoy the game and have no ulterior motives when they head out to these events. She actually annoys the shit outta the "loud and proud" groupie when she pays attention to the game and roots for her favs. This one is a rare find but alas has no shot in hell against madam "loud and proud's" ass meat hanging out all willy nilly...

So you see, I suppose we can find a little of ourselves in at least one of these groupie types. But from what I hear, you can erase a weekend of groupie behavior by doing the slow grind to Mary Mary's "God In Me" song, nekkid, with a cornish hen tied around your neck, while looking at yourself in the mirror and let me be the first to tell ya.... it works!