Dates From Hell: Macy Gray, Top Shelf Liquor and a Paper Bag Test- Fin

Part Uno

So, we are finally seated at the fancy Italian restaurant that DeadBeatDad chose. As I mentioned, it's a lovely afternoon- the LAST thing I want is a pasta meal. But I figured, hey- the man is paying. Let me just shut up.

The little college student waitress comes over to take our order. She looks straight from a cornfield. My actual date and I are not big drinkers, and it is 2 in the afternoon, we order ginger ale. DBD however sees this as the hour to get TWISTED, and orders himself a Long Island Iced Tea. As perky waitress is about to walk away, he grabs her arm firmly, and says 'And make sure it's top shelf liquor, I don't want to have to send it back. I can tell the difference."

Poor kid, she's just trying to pay for text books without having to hit the pole. She can't do her lunch shift without liquor grade threats? It's not like we're at "Frank's Hard Liquor and Crap Game Shanty" for chrissake! She looks at me and my date uneasily, like 'Is this mofo serious?!' our silence shows her that he is, she scurries away.

She has been gone a full 5 minutes and DBD is telling this tale of how he does NOT PLAY when it comes to his liquor and 'don't be thinking' you can fool me by substituting sub par libations! NO SIR -REE!

I contemplate killing myself with the shiny butter knife.

FINALLY, my date grows some hair on his clearly un-dropped balls and says 'OK, DAD WE GET IT!' Well he should have never done that. DBD starts to go in on him. "That's the problem, you grew up in the suburbs! People are gonna try to take advantage of you. I knew you shoulda grown up in the HOOD!"

I'm sorry, insult someone I care about? I'm going in. "So, being raised in the the hood makes you a Man?' I smile. Knowing how the man next to me was caring for his ailing grandparents, while working full time AND going to school full time, was making me sharpen my butter knife under the table.

DBD, ignorant as all hell "Damn right! You get to see stuff, living in the city! What did he grow up seeing??? Cornfields and cows!"

Me, innocently inserting and turning the knife. "I'm sure (insert dumb ass son's name) would have LOVED to had spent more time with you, here, when he was growing up." DBD was FINALLY shamed into silence, for the time being.

When the poor waitress returned with his drink. He actually made her stand there while he took a couple of sips to see if it pleased his discerning Top Shelf Palate. Passing inspection he waves her away- after ordering a feast for a KING.

The meal was quiet enough, as he had a lot to contend with... appetizers, 2 more drinks, giant pasta meal--the extra bread bowl. When he would come up for air, he pretty much called me 'whitey and white girl a couple of times.' In what exact context I can't remember--by then I had retreated to my happy place, and designer purses were dancing in my head. Though when the bill came, my naive ass had the nerve to be shocked that Dumb Ass Son reached for his wallet and paid for it. I bit my tongue so hard it was bleeding.

Back out on the street, I'm walking ahead- but can see them behind me in the reflection of the shiny store windows. DBD is nudging his son to peep the giant jubblied hottie inside. I pretend I don't see as he grabs his arm and stops him to look at her. I AM NOW THROUGH! As tipsy DBD is still ogling her impressive rack (hey- no hateration in THIS dancery!). I turn around to my dumb ass date and say, with a psychotic smile, "Wow, she is hot. But unless you are prepared to go in there and scoop her up- I suggest you keep walking! And that will be about the last disrespect I'm taking from you or that man! He's not my gotdamn father!"

I look at my watch, it has only been 3 hours. This is the longest date, no day of my LIFE. Finally, finally (Praise White Jesus and all the West African Saints and Puerto Rican Apostles!) we get rid of DBD because the movie we decided to go see, was one he he thought was "stupid".

No better judge of "stupid" than Stupid, I suppose.

Shortly thereafter, I issued out the old 'It's not you its me...let's just be friends' speech. There is only so much a person can take. And you will never win against daddy issues with a grown ass man.

Yet still.. somehow ---someway.. I manage to rise!