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Witches' Brew: A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Tourists jump up to get beat down

Monday, February 23, 2009

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Tourists jump up to get beat down

With the excitement of a new President, tourism to the nations capitol is about to be through the roof, this Spring. In an effort to smooth your visit, please read the following public service announcement:


I hate you all. There I said it. We all do. We mutter about your lack of common sense without even bothering to see if you are within earshot or not. We roll our eyes at your fanny packs and your yelling: "HEY PETE! LOOK AT THE MONUMENT!!" You add nothing but congestion and confusion in our morning shitty commutes. You think we want to be on our way to work? But you mock us with your socks & Crocs and children spinning on the damn metro car poles, like they are practicing for their futures.

In an effort to keep me out of jail, here are some tips for you to have a smooth visit to "your" Nation's Capitol.

1) Guess what, the escalator is a moving stairway. I'm pretty sure you have them at the Mall of America. Keep moving when you get to the top, there are people behind you, dipshit. If you decide that you will become a statute at the top, and not move forward, left or right (see you have so many options!) I will manage throw in a subtle pile-driver if I think I can get away with it. I'm gansta like that. Also, we have rules here. Standers, to the right passers on the left, live it learn it, love it!

2) No one but size 2's look good in shorts, especially shorts made of stretchy cameltoe/wedgie inducing jersey material? Wear some weather appropriate pants, with your fupa sportin' nassy azz.

3) Oh, you want to get an early start on your day? That's great, but it is 6:45 in the g'damn morning. Is there ANY reason you are at the National Mall taking a leisurely a pack of 50...wearing bright red t-shirts b/c God forbid you get lost in the big bad 3mile radius of the National Mall in broad effing daylight? Get cellphones and maps you jackasses. And learn to stay to one side of the road. The rest of us are trying to get their good-cardio in here!

4) The FLOOR of the Metro car is NOT a seat. Don't roll your eyes when people who are looking at their eye level don't see your little bastards rolling around like they are in their living room (wait, do double wides have living rooms?) and shit kick them with their wedge heels...believe me, it hurt my foot more than it hurt lil' Johnny.

5) While I support local business, buying anything with FBI, CIA, or Washington, DC in a sweat or tee material, purchased from the 3 for $10 trucks, make you look like a dick. Museum shops have classy DC keepsakes of all price ranges. Get one of those, seriously.

6) Yes, Ben's Chili Bowl is tasty, good God. Stay the hell out of it, so us locals don't have to wait on line in the g'damn alley! What the hell?

The era of Dubya is over, bitches!

P.S. People don't prove you need your own set of rules... I think you know what I'm saying...

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