Things Negroes Like: Restaurant Edition

Let’s face it. I’m hungry. I’m hungry, a lot. I like to eat and can’t think of one food that I don’t like. People who don’t want their foods to touch or who have lists of things they don’t eat frighten me. “Uh, lemme get a B.L.T. but hold the lettuce and the tomato. I don’t like vegetables.” Fool, you want a bacon sammich. Quit fakin!

Like most bougies, I have a running list of top shelf restaurants that I’d live to go to. But, like many of the Negroes, I have to keep it hood (and budget-friendly) and go with the old standbys until my caviar dreams become a reality. So, take a stroll to the restaurants we coloreds like. Don’t forget your bibs!

Run it:

This place doesn’t specialize in anything but cheesecake, I guess. There’s no one cuisine they master. The menu is pages and pages long, like reading a story. Should we really trust a place that doesn’t have a specialty? Either way, they’ve got some good bread and you can get 2 full meals off one entrée. Can’t beat that!

This place scares me a little. I’m never sure if there’s going to be a bug in my salad. But when you’re hungry and want to get your drink on, it’s a sure fire bet. Just don’t eat the broccoli. Ewww!

The service usually sucks but I’d cut a broad for the kiwi lemonade. Just don’t eat there if you’re in a hurry. I’m always left waiting for my meal. It never fails! By the time my food comes, I’ve gnawed my arm off to raise my blood sugar.

Sure, the shrimp may be imitation and the lobster kinda chewy, but the cheddar biscuits make up for a multitude of sins. Why is it that no one can recreate them biscuits at home? What are they putting in there, crack? Ooh, maybe that’s the secret ingredient.

Honorable mention: Golden Corral/Old Country Buffet/ANY buffet

Shoot me dead on the spot if you ever find me in one of these places. Sure, I’m Negro and all but the mulatto in me won’t let me enter these establishments. But I sure see all the rest of my brethren dining in these spots. Must be the dinner rolls or something (they are addictive…okay, so I’ve been in there once. Sue me!) because, much like shrimp fried rice, the buffet food sure does pass through you 15 minutes after you leave. Just hope you can make it home in time. Poopin’ while drivin’ is not cute.

Nassyass!