Things Negroes Like: Unemployment Edition

The national unemployment rate is hovering around 10.4% and one of ye not so merry Witches is among the jobless. At first, dropping a job that ran me ragged seemed like a relief… two months ago! Now, it’s not so fun. I can only imagine how the people who’ve been jobless for 6+ months are handling it. But, on the tough days, I try to think of the bright side… ya know, the things we like about unemployment.

Run it…

Unemployment checks – assuming you actually get them. I’m still waiting on mine to arrive. Don’t even get me started.

Sleeping late – I am not a morning person. So ditching the waking up at 6 or 7 in the morning is actually a sweet relief. Nowadays, I open one eye to catch Matt & Meredith in the morning, maybe catch a little nap then start my AM e-mail, blog news, job hunt and other web-Brewshyt search.

Court shows – I hear these are the hotness with the unemployed set. I’ve never really liked them. But I do watch my Wendy!

Catching up on TiVo – I know what you’re thinking: why the need to TiVo when you’re home? I have to keep myself busy during the day, I do an odd job here and there, so I’ve got to stay on top of my DVR game. Plus, all these shows I wanna see come on at the same time anyway. TiVo gives me the freedom to watch Brandy’s lacefront migrate to her eyebrows whenever I want.

Hood chef – I get a chance to get my new recipe on when I’m home. There’s less temptation to eat the crap you find at most workplace lunch spots when all you’ve got in the fridge on a Friday night is fruit and soup and some frozen chicken in the freezer. You’d be surprised what I can do with some tacos and frozen skrimpz! And just wait til I unveil my Shake Weight guns!

I hope the job search starts looking up for all my Brewchies who fell victim to the lay-off stick… happy searching!

Things Negroes Like: Christmas Edition

Christmastime is upon us and you know what that means: eating, smiling at unwelcomed visitors, eating, gift-giving to people you don't really like but you know they'd talk slick about you if you didn't, traveling and, yup, eating.

So, in the spirit of the season, here are a few things we Negroes like during these festive times.

Run it…

• Watching the boss get drunk at the holiday party and capturing photographic evidence of it
  
• Spandex pants: so you won't bust a zipper after eating all that pressha-increasing, not good for yo' suga food you know you shouldn't be having anyway
  
• Pretending we know what those Kwanzaa names really mean
• Re-gifting.  Oh, don't act like you don't do it.
  
• Decking the halls. We love an off-kilter Christmas decoration, don't we? For White Jesus' sake, please make your Christmas lights match! Can we rock a theme please?
  
• Watching Flick get his tongue stuck to that pole in A Christmas Story. Man, that never gets old (and it's totally not something we'd do either).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

On the flip side, there are some things we don't get down with on Christmas…

• Opening the door for random Christmas carolers: I don't know you, boo
  
• The cold. We are a tropical people.
  
• The "gift" of fruitcake. Just come empty-handed.
  
• Mistletoe: haven't you heard about the swine flu?
  
• New Year's Resolutions: we know we'll keep doing the same isht that got us by in 2009. C'mon son!
  
• Pretending some chubby man named "Santa" gave the kids the new PlayStation when ya'll know it was single momma doing it for herself who made that happen! #justsayin
  

Irregardless of your likes, dislikes, preference or persuasion, you're probably marking some type of holiday as the year winds to a close. So, from the Brew Chicks to you… make it a good one.

I can't even fake… I crank this song in the dead of Summer.

Splain Me This Please........

Is this a clever "coming out" statement or just another ignant colored lad proudly displaying his ignant-etness????

Things Negroes Like: Halloween Candy Edition

Halloween season is upon us! Time is ticking away if you haven’t gotten your candy game up to par. Don’t puss out and be the only house on the block giving out raisins and apples to the little demons who knock on your door. Here’s what you need to buy if you’re blessed to live amongst the Negro children.

Now and Laters Now'laters (keep it real)

This is the nectar of the Negro child. Sweet, yet sour and totally portable, never messy. I remember when a dollar would get you a month’s supply of these things. If you don’t have them in your candy stash tomorrow night, you might get egged.






Nerds

You’ll find us colored aren’t much for an abundance of chocolate. Oh, we like the chocolate, don’t get me wrong. But we’ll take a handful of Nerds to give us that sugar rush that makes that untreated cavity hurt any day over a Snicker bar.








Lemonheads/Appleheads/Cherryheads

These are currency in the Black community. You could use a box of these to trade instead of cigarettes if you’re in the clink.







Starburst

If they made these in an IV liquid drip, we’d find a way to attach ourselves to one and still go to work.










Peppermint Patty/Kit Kats/Twix/Snickers

I always found the bougie, more affluent houses had these chocolate treats. So plant yourself in a tree-lined, gated community (oh come on, you know how to get past the gate) and get you some premium chocolate!



 Candy Corn

I dunno about you, but in my hood, the people who gave out candy corn got toilet papered. Candy corn is right up there with the marshmallow peep. What’s its point?






Happy Halloween! 

Brew public safety announcement: You know the Negro children will dress in all black and pass it off as a ninja costume, so be safe and don’t run ‘em over.

Things Negroes Like: Harry Connick, Jr.

Harry Connick, Jr. repped for the Negroes Down Under and worldwide while participating as a guest judge last week on Australia's variety show "Hey Hey It's Saturday." A group calling itself The Jackson Jive parodied the Jackson Five, performing in blackface.

Well, the guy who was supposed to be Michael was in white make-up. The group claims it was a tribute to the King of Pop. Anywho, watch as Harry gives the group a zero then goes on to explain how the show would be canceled if they tried that isht in the US.



Critics are saying Harry isn't without his own skeletons in pseudo-blackface after his appearance on MadTV years ago. I say, it's not the same but what's your call?



Source

Sigh...... I'm Reassigning My Race.....

I wanna be Cablanaisan like Tiger........

Hood Thangs: "Hold My Chain Son!"

Whenever coloreds are about to fight we almost always have ish to pass to our friends to 'hold for us' til the scuffle is over.....

I'm half past dead when the dude in this video asks his boy to hold his colostomy bag, LOL!

Hold My Chain - watch more funny videos

Things Negroes Like: Restaurant Edition

Let’s face it. I’m hungry. I’m hungry, a lot. I like to eat and can’t think of one food that I don’t like. People who don’t want their foods to touch or who have lists of things they don’t eat frighten me. “Uh, lemme get a B.L.T. but hold the lettuce and the tomato. I don’t like vegetables.” Fool, you want a bacon sammich. Quit fakin!

Like most bougies, I have a running list of top shelf restaurants that I’d live to go to. But, like many of the Negroes, I have to keep it hood (and budget-friendly) and go with the old standbys until my caviar dreams become a reality. So, take a stroll to the restaurants we coloreds like. Don’t forget your bibs!

Run it:

This place doesn’t specialize in anything but cheesecake, I guess. There’s no one cuisine they master. The menu is pages and pages long, like reading a story. Should we really trust a place that doesn’t have a specialty? Either way, they’ve got some good bread and you can get 2 full meals off one entrée. Can’t beat that!

This place scares me a little. I’m never sure if there’s going to be a bug in my salad. But when you’re hungry and want to get your drink on, it’s a sure fire bet. Just don’t eat the broccoli. Ewww!

The service usually sucks but I’d cut a broad for the kiwi lemonade. Just don’t eat there if you’re in a hurry. I’m always left waiting for my meal. It never fails! By the time my food comes, I’ve gnawed my arm off to raise my blood sugar.

Sure, the shrimp may be imitation and the lobster kinda chewy, but the cheddar biscuits make up for a multitude of sins. Why is it that no one can recreate them biscuits at home? What are they putting in there, crack? Ooh, maybe that’s the secret ingredient.

Honorable mention: Golden Corral/Old Country Buffet/ANY buffet

Shoot me dead on the spot if you ever find me in one of these places. Sure, I’m Negro and all but the mulatto in me won’t let me enter these establishments. But I sure see all the rest of my brethren dining in these spots. Must be the dinner rolls or something (they are addictive…okay, so I’ve been in there once. Sue me!) because, much like shrimp fried rice, the buffet food sure does pass through you 15 minutes after you leave. Just hope you can make it home in time. Poopin’ while drivin’ is not cute.

Nassyass!

Things Negroes Like: Baby Name Edition

We Negroes sure are an innovative bunch. We sell commemorative t-shirts the moment something happens. We use the trunks of our cars as stores to sell our hot new CDs we've been working on. Nevermind that dude is 45 and still trying to get that big break in hip-hop.

One of the wonders that never ceases to amaze me is the joy we Negroes delight in when we name our embryos. Oh yes, you've met the kid with the phonetically-spelled name whose teacher just calls them by the last name. The baby named after the alcohol-of-the-moment who probably will never be taken seriously on the job… if she ever gets a job. We name the babies after cars, celebrities, Italian mafia families and anything else you'll never find on a keychain at Disneyworld.

I'm sure you know a few of these:

• Alize
• Lexus (do you own a car?)
• Mercedes (ditto)
• BonQuisha
• La Shawnte
• La Quitta
• Hennessey
• KelShanique
• MayOnnaise (suddenly, I'm hungry)
• Traonna
• And my personal fave: Lenomjelo
• Check out Bell of the South for an even more hysterical list

So, what's the craziest ghetto name you've ever heard? Jump to the comments section and spill it! And if your name is Nuvo...please don't be offended but go talk to your Momma!

Things Negroes Like: Played Out Edition

Disclaimer: I'm seriously tired of ignorant people. Tired of talking to them. Tired of seeing them. Tired of them attempting to hold mature conversations with me when all that spews from their lips is a litany of overused and overhyped hood jargon that I could really give two post-Sunday dinner shats about.

So today's TNL comes to you via one sista who's tired of the same-ole, same-ole. It's time we cleaned up our act, and our vocab too. Ya know, get ready for the new millennium that's already here and stuff. I'm so 3008, you so two thousand and late!©

Run it:

Yuck! Please strike swagger from your inner-dictionary. You don't have enough to "jack" so why even brag about it? Are you debt-free? Do you own your home? What's your portfolio looking like these days? Do those kids know you're their daddy? Get your life right first son, then call me about your swagger. Unless your name is Barack and you live in a shiny White House, keep it moving!
Hating is soooo 2001. Nobody really cares about you enough to hate you. We've got bigger fish to fry. And you're probably not all that successful anyway to be "brushing haters off" on a daily basis. Did it ever occur to you maybe you just suck and people don't like you on GP? Didn't think about that, huh?

Making it rain
Chill with all that raining. It's a recession, you may need that money one day. Besides, I'm holding out for the day some dude makes it snow! Now, that will be a sight to see.

'LOL' and 'LMAO' replies

Did you really just waste good bandwidth to reply to my e-mail or my Facebook status with an LOL? Come on. Ever heard the saying "if you don't have something good to say, don't say it?" I don't really need to know that your ass is rolling on the floor and laughing out loud at something I said. Click the "like" button and keep it moving. Better yet, just laugh and don't click anything.

R.I.P. tee shirts
Now, I'm all for remembering a loved one. I'm not heartless. But seriously, donate that money to charity... not to the tee shirt man. I don't think Grandma Bertha would want to be memorialized on a shirt that reads "There's a Heaven for a G." I'm just guessin'.

Anything other than teeth in your mouth
That's just gross and not dentally-friendly. And I've got 5 on it that when you open your mouth, people don't know if you're about to speak or shit. I'm just sayin'…

Excessive jewelry
You're hoodrich, we get it. Next!

Cornrows
We've covered this before here at the Brew, but can't stress it enough. If you have a peen, you should not have cornrows after age 6.

Babying your white Nikes
They're shoes. They're supposed to get dirty. Now, get your lazy ass up and walk...so what if I step on your foot, get some Windex and grow a pair.

Not having a computer
Don't get me wrong, I know the digital divide is real and holds a lot of "us" back. But if you've got good cable that you're not stealing, rims and jewels or you're heavily invested in keeping your weave tight… then you should put some money in Steve Jobs' pocket and buy a damn computer. No, you cannot borrow mine. No, I don't want your short 'email' messages in text lingo sent from your phone cuz you're too cheap to buy a laptop. And no, you can't use the excuse 'I don't understand computers...they're not my thing.' That's played out too.

Ooh, it's time for my midday hating session… catch 'ya next time.

©Ferg!

Things Negroes Like: Obama Edition

In honor of our 44th President's 48th birthday, let's talk about what the Negroes like about Barry-O.

Run it:

He's Teflon
Controversy stands no chance next to this man. He smooth talks his way out of it, around it, over it, under it and through it.
Or…he has a beer and just brushes that dirt off…

He's Married to a Real Woman (and he likes her momma)

A woman with smarts, curves, 'a kitchen', a rolling neck (ya'll know she got one) and an actual point of view! And she looks like she can make a mean mac & cheese too… in Jimmy Choos, of course.

He's Got Kids with Ethnic Names

Come on, you know some baby whose momma lives on MLK, Jr. Blvd. is already named the ghetto version of Malia. That would be M'leeyah (silent a, get it right).

He's Got a Dog with a Negro Name

How Negro of a dog name is Bo? The only thing that would make Bo any 'blacker' is if they would have named him King and kept him on a chain in the yard.

Happy birthday Mr. President!

Now, go get that health care passed, so I won't change my opinion.

Just kidding! (*well, not really*)

Things Negroes Like: Self-Improvement Edition

I was about to go on my usual tirade about the random things our people like or consistently do that piss-off us "normal" Negro folk, when I was stopped in my tracks by the story below.
The one about the 550+ lb. boy whose mother is now being accused of neglect because of his ballooning size. I'll leave the banter about who's right, who's wrong and how we need more vegetables in the hood to the comment section. But the underlying message here is: we have got to do better! Whether it's politely telling that kid on the bus he needs to pull his pants up. Or telling the young woman in the store to stop using four-letter-words in front of her impressionable children. We've got to do better! So allow me to veer off course a bit today and put on my self-help, self-love, I've-been-thinking-deeply-lately hat and offer this re-post from the great Nannie Helen Burroughs.

12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself (circa 1900's) *obviously, "herself" applies too*

1. Learn to put first things first: education, development of character, a trade and home ownership.
   
2. Stop expecting God & white folk to do for him what he can do for himself.
   
3. Keep himself, his children & his home clean.
   
4. Learn to dress more appropriately for work & leisure.
   
5. Make his religion an everyday practice and not just a Sunday-go-to-meeting emotional affair.
   
6. Highly resolve to wipe out mass ignorance.
   
7. Stop charging his failures up to his "color" & to white people's attitude.
   
8. Overcome his bad job habits.
   
9. Improve his conduct in public places.
   
10. Learn how to operate business for people – not for Negro people only.
    
11. The average so-called educated Negro will have to come down out of the air. He is too inflated over nothing.
    
12. Stop forgetting his friends!
    

Period!

Things Negroes Like: Blue-Eyed Edition

I was at a party the other day, with all the shades of the rainbow in attendance (you know, a sista likes to expand her horizons), and the deejay spun a few throwback jams. Jams that some Negroes might be a little embarrassed to admit they know all the words to…stuff like Journey (yeah, you know the words to "Don't Stop Believing"…you ain't gotta lie Craig!). So that got me to thinking, who are the other blue-eyed performers that we have in our iPods that our more thugged out friends might not understand?

Run it…

Hall & Oates

There's something creepily odd about this tall-short duo. But they have some of the most memorable hits that shaped our lives in the '70s and '80s. I mean, what girl doesn't wanna be a "Maneater?" Reowr!

Tom Jones

If you're over 30, chances are your mother once tossed her panny-drawz at this man in the '70s so he could ask what's new with her pussycat. Or, she wanted to! What is it about those foreign white folks who can sing and never let on that they have accents? Is it something in the water over there?

Justin Timberlake

The Negroes have a love-hate relationship with this one. Liking him early on in his career probably means you've got to admit to an N'Sync album purchase. And that may not be the best thing for retaining your Black Card. But then he went all nutso and exposed Janet's booby then didn't back her up publicly. Many of the Negro kind banished him from pseudo-Negrodom because of that. But then this fool went and brought sexy back…how could you not love that jam?

Teena Marie

I was so sure she was just real light-skinndeded for the first 10 years of my life. But, alas, Mary Christine Brockert is not of the Negroid persuasion. Dangit, Lady T, you had me fooled! I won't hold that against you though. Some of your wardrobe choices though, yeah, I've got to hold you under the spotlight for those.

Robin Thicke

Mmmmm, tasty! I remember when you were all long-haired and grungy and just wanted to be called Thicke. Now, you're all cleaned up and married to a sista.
Hats off to any man who can go from this to this . That's all I'm sayin.

Michael Bolton

Sure he got the hair-memo and he's all cleaned up now. But I loved him most when he had that Beauty & the Beast mullet and sang the hell outta those songs black people had already made famous. His jams are played in dental offices worldwide. Something about that dude just soothes you to sleep while you're having that mercury filling put in your mouth.

John Mayer

Can we take this guy in the racial draft in a multi-player trade for Lil Wayne, Plies, Lil Boosie, Hurricane Chris, Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane? We don't care who takes them and don't worry, we don't need any replacements for those six. Mayer is enough. In fact, we'll pay you to take them. Thanks!

Kenny G

The decaf of jazz with uncontrollably kinky hair, much like the Negro. Is he related to us?

Vanilla Ice

Oh, don't even fake. You had this CD when you were 12, just like everybody else. If "Ice Ice Baby" came on right now, your ass would be the first to jump up and shout "Alright stop, collaborate and listen"...
It's okay…so would I.

Things Negroes Like: Rant Edition

I’m all tapped out of topics for today’s Things Negroes Like. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have some topics for you, but all that took a backseat when I got into work today (yeah, I’m a Negro so I was late, sue me!) and a mountain of horseshit fell on me. So today’s TNL is about all of the things we don't like (well, actually, it’s about the stuff I don’t like, you just follow along).

BAD FOOD
First, I buy an egg & cheese sammich and a sweet tea on my way in because payday hasn’t rolled around just yet so I don’t have my usual plethora of groceries to snack on, but I do got a $20 bill (*bass drop… put ya hands up!*). So, I pull up to the drive-thru hoping for that sweet taste of bacon (you know how we do) but all the Negroes who were late like me were clogging the line. I proceeded to the next best thing and ordered myself pork-free breakfast. My first mistake. There was too much ice and not enough tea. Then, the sandwich tasted like soap. How does cheese taste like soap? Epic fail on that.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING ON MY PHONE
Then, as I’m driving in I get a call, on my personal cell no less, from an angry customer who wants to know why he didn’t get an e-mail from someone in another office. Dude, do I look like I know why someone else didn’t send you an e-mail? Am I that person? Are you saying all Negroes look alike? Do I control these here internetz and have mystical, mythical, Barack The Magic Negro powers to make e-mails appear and disappear? I think not! I can’t tell you why someone failed to e-mail you. Maybe he just doesn’t like your sorry ass. Or maybe that dude was on a much-needed vacation (you know, the kind I don't get) and didn’t feel the need to correspond with you.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING IN MY INBOX
I finally make it to my desk to check my e-mails and I’ve got messages on top of messages from my manager (I refuse to say “boss”… the Nat Turner in me will not allow it) who finally decided it was time to respond to stuff I asked about in June! How nice of you to follow up. But, don’t e-mail me about how to contact a supplier to set up a payment. How about YOU click their website and look for the CONTACT US button and then get to contactin’. Is it really that difficult or have I been sent here to drive the short bus?

Yeah, I know, I know, relax, relate, release, woosah and all that crap. Save it! Now where’s my purse strap? I’ve got some people to choke out.