Brew Advice: Top 5 Tips For "Easter-Only" Christians

I know some of you follow the "COGOOCME" faith ("Church of God Only On Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter"), but there are some things you can do to fake it with the best of the churchgoing types without letting your hoodrat ways peek through. Here are some tips to safely to get yourself through church this Sunday, so you'll make it to that greasy Easter dinner.

• Memorize a few verses (John 11:35 "Jesus wept" never fails)
  
  
• When Sister Jenkins who always sings off key in the choir asks you how you're doing... answer with one of the following: "I'm too blessed to be stressed;" "I stay prayed up, Sis. Jenkins" or, you could go with my personal favorite: "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... (watch Sister Jenkins catch the ghost before you even get to "fear no evil.") Trust me. It slays 'em every time.
  
  
• When in doubt, pastel it out!
  
  
• Find a hat. Wear it. You'll fit right in with Sister Jenkins and her crew.  Just don't sit in the front pew.  You're not prayed-up enough for that yet.  It's like the VIP room at a Diddy white party.  Don't even try it.
  
  
• If you don't know the words to church hymns that the weekly churchgoers know like their ABCs, then you must mouth the words like a proper lip-syncing artist (*looking at you Puffy*). But, how do you mouth words you don't know? Simple, slowly mouth the word "watermelon" and clap in unison with Sister Jenkins' crew and everyone else, then fallout in a total praise roll on the floor. Make sure you do a sweep of the middle aisle so Sis. Jenkins can see you though. Works every time!

Happy Easter my people!

Brew Public Service Annoucement: PUT EM ON THE GLASS, SPINSTER!!

You read that right!

PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS, SPINSTER!!
TIME'S A WASTING!

Today's lesson comes (loosely) from Sir Mix- A-Lot, from the Yorkshire um.. A-Lots.?

I'm tired of reading these sad sack articles and blogs about the state of Black woman alone-ness. We HAVE to take our power back. RIGHT NOW! We're so busy going after the career, the home the (insert whatever nonsense you buy to to help you keep up with the Jones'-- who aren't even happy themselves!) yet we sit passively by in terms of relationships.

Waiting for this magical, mystical 'dream dude' to fall out of the sky.

Confidence is 90% of the key to getting what you want in life.

Hell, 100% if you are an R & B Yodler.
So, stop wasting your time poont-footing around what you want!

You see a dude you like, let him know you're interested. Even our dudes agree (and those guys are nuts!).

I may not be able to tell you how to keep a man (hell, it seems no one can), but I am well versed in gettin' them, so take heed!

1. Stop analyzing everything to DEATH, and GO FOR IT. You're missing out on opportunities, that the next chick may be scamming on. Remember this, that other chick has nothing on you, she just got there first!

2. FLIRT with EVERYONE, you don't have to mean it- just practice until it feels natural and not cheezy.

3. Be yourself, unless yourself is a forking weirdo. Then be the best YOU that you imagine for yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

4. Suck peen. They like that sh!t. But if you are bad at it, create a diversion and just don't do it. All jokes aside, I mean be open minded- prudes don't get to third base. Nothing screams 'let's end this date now', than a broad with a list of things she doesn't and won't do.

5. Stop crying to everyone you meet, about your sad state of affairs. No one wants to be around the downer... especially men. And quite frankly everyone has their own damn problems.

Zip it, Whiner!

Bianca Loves the Kids!

Spitzer's Chick Gets Job

That's it.  I'm having a rap baby and if that doesn't work, I'm sleeping with a governor.  I done decided and I'm sticking to my guns!

Eliot Spitzer's Mayflower Hotel chick, Ashley Dupre, snagged herself a sidehustle as a New York Post advice columnist (*crickets!*).  Seems she needed a little advice herself not that long ago.

Here's a piece of her advice to one reader:

Are there telltale signs a man isn't happy in his marriage? -- J. Marshall, 37, East Village

Guys are primal. They're proud and need to be treated like they're proud and special.

Girlfriends do that for the most part. But I think that wives with children have so much pressure on them, the natural thing is for the kids to take priority. The husband feels secondary and in one form or another may seek out that required special attention outside the marriage.

Guys are so easy to please and I don't just mean sexually. We all need to feel loved and appreciated. Ask yourself, when was the last time you did something to make your husband feel loved, special and appreciated . . . and if you can't remember, then that's your sign right there.

Click here to read the rest.

A couple of nights with the governor = a WRITING job? I'm rethinking my 4 years of college...
I'm done!  Pretty soon one of Tiger's girls will have a talk show. 

6 Ways To Pick Up A Chick Like Kim Kardashian

A-snooze, a-snooze at the title. But some of you fellas may need this help. Consider me your weekend love docta just passing along the message!

Courtesy: Blogxilla

1. Move your feet

Go meet her. Right away.

The longer you wait, the more nervous you’ll make yourself and the more she’ll think you’re creepy if she catches you looking.

I picked up a Miss America finalist just by walking across a hotel lobby to introduce myself. When I asked her later what got her attention about me she said, “you’re not my usual type, but I loved your boldness and confidence.” That’s the vibe to pick up a Playmate.

2. Own the group

A beautiful woman at a party isn’t going to be spending a lot of time alone. Don’t be the creepy guy who tries to intercept her on the way to or from the bathroom.

When you go meet her, acknowledge and be friendly with the people she is with. But don’t try to “fit in”. Most Playmates want to be with the kind of guy who can command attention and has presence. Doing this without coming across as a jerk is part of the challenge.

3. The first thing you say doesn’t matter – it’s all about the SECOND thing

Most guys don’t approach women because they are waiting for the perfect thing to say. And true, if you have NOTHING to say, you’ll get blown out. But in general, any good, tested, opener (what you say when you approach) is as good as any other.

(For proven word-for-word scripts top pick up artists around the world use, check out the Love Systems Routines Manual)

I took this to an extreme a little while ago when I was reviewing a Love Systems (the old Mystery Method Corp) bootcamp – where a professional Love Systems expert takes you out to bars and clubs to work on your game. By the end of the first night, most of the guys were hooking up, but one very shy guy was still petrified about rejection.

So I approached two nearby blondes and told them I had a Twinkie for lunch. They didn’t say much. So I continued with a “cold read” – telling one of them that she looked like a good girl and the other that she was probably a devil. They loved it.

No matter what you say first, the best result is that you got her attention for whatever you say next.

So – don’t sweat the opener. Focus on building attraction.

4. Attraction is emotional, not logical

One expert said “Attraction is not a choice,” and he’s right. Attraction is an instinctive, chemical process. If you know what you’re doing and can get 15 minutes with her, you can make virtually any woman attracted to you.

Now, as any woman will tell you, being attracted and acting on that attraction are two very different things.

Most guys try to do the same lame things when meeting beautiful women. They try to look for commonalities (“What do you do? Where are you from?”), they try to show the girl that you’re a nice guy, or they talk about logical, factual subjects.

You can sometimes luck into a cute girl doing that, but not a Playmate-quality one.
Take her on an emotional journey. The more varied emotions she feels with you, the more compelling you are. Make her laugh, sit in suspense when you tell a good story, feel excitement, feel connection. Don’t be boring or play it safe.

5. Don’t tell her she’s beautiful

Don’t tell her she’s beautiful. She knows that. She wants a guy who appreciates her beauty but isn’t hung up on it.

Once a year Love Systems does a bootcamp at the Playboy Mansion. In addition to all the other training for the event, there a big piece on the specific psychology of extremely beautiful women.

One part of this is that extremely beautiful women are often attracted to guys other hot women are attracted to. So if you act like she’s something special for being hot, she’ll lose interest. Imagine a giant wart on her nose if you have to.

6. Have fun!

You can’t pick up if you’re not enjoying yourself. There is something called mirror neurons – parts of your brain that impact your mood based on the mood of people around you. If you’re uncomfortable, you will make her feel uncomfortable with you. If you are having a great time, you have a much better chance of her having a great time with you.

WTF Files: 'Ask Propecia' - Crackhead Advice, Straight No Chaser!

Do you hate 'soft to the touch' advice??? Well meet Propecia, she keeps it real in a way you never thought possible.....

Question: "Propecia, what can I do to get my husband to help out more around the house?"

Propecia: "You need to suck some muthafuggin d*ck!"

And there you have it! Propecia single handedly lowers the divorce rate....... I love how she "quits this bitch!" at the end......

Fantasy Football: Stacking Your Dating Roster

Ladies,

In an attempt to save myself great heartache down the road, I asked my man-friend what to do about another guy, let's call this other guy "more-than-a-man-friend." Now, this man-friend guy is an opinion machine, let me tell ya. And luckily for me, most of his opinions ring true and are rooted in some serious experience.

So, I asked man-friend about how to protect my feelings in this situation. I'm feeling this more-than-a-man-friend guy, and my little beating heart is ready to jump all up in it. I think more-than-a-man-friend is feeling me too, but he's not all the way there yet on the relationship tip. In other words, he ain't relationship-ready. Whatever that means. Is that like being marathon-ready? Road-ready? Ever-ready? Do you put hours in at the gym to get your 'ready' status up?

Anyway. Man-friend broke it all down for me.

And being the loyal servant I am to you Brewchies, I thought I'd share it with you. Merry Christmas!

The Fantasy Football Theory
Man-friend tells me that every good team needs quarterbacks. Preferably, three of them. What makes women any different? We've got to stack our benches too.

Then he says, he's going to tell me the "most dude-ish" piece of dating advice when it comes to more-than-a-man-friend: "Keep him for the present time, but go on the lookout for a new guy. Don't CHEAT, but look for a new candidate."

I ask man-friend to expand on this morsel. He calls it the "QB Method." Meaning: keep three quarterbacks on the active roster (keep 3 men in your vicinity at all times).

Here's how it all shakes out:

1. QB #1 is your starter: the man you get down with! He's your Montana!
   
   
2. QB #2 is the reliable back-up: he knows about QB #1 and is ready to hop in the game at any moment and even has the chops to hang on the Super Bowl field. Keep this one around but don't cheat with him or you'll lose his respect. If QB #1 is sent away to do some Mike Vick kinda time, then elevate that #2 to his spot and keep it moving.
   
   
3. QB #3 the good back up: he wins some games and could develop his arm so to speak. But you keep him at a distance… like, waay at the end of the bench. Sure, you'd get with him. But don't tell him that. Just hang out with him casually.

So, here's where man-friend's theory starts to make my spideysense spin. He says start adding new ones to the roster when you need to (and definitely make cuts), but always make sure you've got three in the line-up, so when one doesn't act right, he gets axed.

Now, the bigger question is: where do you even meet all these viable quarterbacks in the first place?

Riddle me that, man-friend. Riddle me that!?!

It's sad that we have to even do this "dance" in the first place, really. It would be so much easier if we all wore shirts that said "I like peen" or "I enjoy vagicat," then you could just make your draft picks from there and skip all that getting to know you stuff. Why can't the world operate like my mind does?

Ah, one last piece of advice from the man-code breaker: men are simple! If dude has issues from the get-go, it doesn't look too good down the road.

Whew! This is way too much sports analogy for me to follow. Good thing football season is starting, huh?

Things Negroes Like: Self-Improvement Edition

I was about to go on my usual tirade about the random things our people like or consistently do that piss-off us "normal" Negro folk, when I was stopped in my tracks by the story below.
The one about the 550+ lb. boy whose mother is now being accused of neglect because of his ballooning size. I'll leave the banter about who's right, who's wrong and how we need more vegetables in the hood to the comment section. But the underlying message here is: we have got to do better! Whether it's politely telling that kid on the bus he needs to pull his pants up. Or telling the young woman in the store to stop using four-letter-words in front of her impressionable children. We've got to do better! So allow me to veer off course a bit today and put on my self-help, self-love, I've-been-thinking-deeply-lately hat and offer this re-post from the great Nannie Helen Burroughs.

12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself (circa 1900's) *obviously, "herself" applies too*

1. Learn to put first things first: education, development of character, a trade and home ownership.
   
2. Stop expecting God & white folk to do for him what he can do for himself.
   
3. Keep himself, his children & his home clean.
   
4. Learn to dress more appropriately for work & leisure.
   
5. Make his religion an everyday practice and not just a Sunday-go-to-meeting emotional affair.
   
6. Highly resolve to wipe out mass ignorance.
   
7. Stop charging his failures up to his "color" & to white people's attitude.
   
8. Overcome his bad job habits.
   
9. Improve his conduct in public places.
   
10. Learn how to operate business for people – not for Negro people only.
    
11. The average so-called educated Negro will have to come down out of the air. He is too inflated over nothing.
    
12. Stop forgetting his friends!
    

Period!

Coco's Tips: Satisfying A Woman

Who knew this broad could talk, much less type?

Monday, we gave you Coco's tips for keeping a man. This well of advice now has something to say to you menz about how to satisfy your womenfolk:

Men, you may have to step your game up. If we're willing to cater to you... you have to come back with the same efforts. Guys have the tendency to become lazy, after they so call, "get you". Now is that fair? So, you want us to look nice, wear high heels, dress cute, keep our body in shape. Then when we look at you, you are sloppy, forget to put deodorant on, don't brush your teeth or haven't even done a sit-up in years. What happened to dressing nice for us? This shows that you still care. Believe me, I love it when Ice gets into fitted shirts and my favorite cologne, its turns me on.

Another big subject is to compliment your women. ... Leave "I love you notes' in her makeup compact or anywhere you'll know she'll see it. That’s romantic! ...

Now here are some pointers in keeping your love alive...

* Wear silk boxers

* Snuggle with each other/play footsies

* Take her on a romantic getaway

* Say I Love you

* Do a chore around the house

* Give her a foot massage

* Get manicures together

* Whisper sweet nothings in her ear

* Get her a 'thinking of you' gift

* Watch the kids so she can do a hobby of hers

* Hold hands

* Make dinner

* Kiss passionately

* Get couple massages

* Let her know she's beautiful

* Joke and have fun

* Sexually? Find out what she loves and do it!

Her advice isn't really that bad. Who'da thunk it, in one week we'd be head-nodding with Superhead and Coco? And I mean head-nodding in agreement! Get your minds out of the gutter!

Ask A Dude Roundtable: REVERSE COUGAR DISCRIMINATION/BEING A MAN EQUALS THREESOME?

Your favorite Witches hosted a cyber sit down with several of the opinionated (right or wrong) fellas in our cipher and grilled them to the white meat. We're hoping these discussions can start a dialogue (In the comments section please), and foster a greater understanding between the genders. Now that you have met our dudes... let's chop it up!

Brew Q:

• Do you enjoy the adoration of someone who is younger and less experienced?
• Is having your ego stroked more important than you actually stepping up your game?
• Can an almost 40 year old man truly connect with a 19 year old girl?

Big In Europe: Who doesn't enjoy adoration by people of any age? I don't think having
your ego stroked had anything to do with the age of a person. Being in a relationship means stroking each others ego. If the person your with doesn't make you feel good about being you, then why are you with them? Age has nothing to do with experience. I had my first ménage a
trios when I was 17. My father, who is 60 years old has NEVER had one. In that instance, age means nothing. (Brew Note: Frankly, I'm not sure what it means here, either!)

People can connect with anyone, honestly. When I was 25, I dated a woman that was 12 years my senior. No woman ever questioned that. I have to wonder why it's an issue when the shoe's on the other foot. I guess its cool to be a cougar.

(Brew Note: Girl, Bye!- yes girl... Older women have been getting traded in for newer models since the dawn of time. Damn right it's awesome that younger men are yielding to the power of seasoned poont!)

Gross Dude: Me personally...no. and I can't even explain the motivation of other fellas either. I'll knock off a young girl but not really interested in going through the work to get the ass....no matter how little work it takes. (Brew Note: Dear God he is gross.)

Rev Real: Yes, that is fun. I think brothers enjoy both. They want their egos stroked but then they also want somebody who “raises the bar”. I don’t think a 40 year old man can connect with a 19 year old. You can’t vote? Can’t drink? Don’t remember Menudo or New Edition when Bobby Brown weighed less than 250? Holla. There’s just not enough to discuss beyond pillow talk.

SUpreme: I have a rule I learned when I was young – age truly ain’t nothing but a number. As such, I NEVER tell anyone my age. Even if they’re family. I judge people on who they are and how we connect, and nothing else. I would never stop myself from finding love simply cuz a woman is older or younger – if we vibe and feel attraction, let’s do it. However, I will NOT get my Robert Kelly on. I follow the old Muslim rule – half your age, plus 7 is your cut-off. Thus, if you’re 30, the youngest you can date is a 22 year-old.

I don’t need my ego stroked – it’s quite healthy enough. I need a COMPANION, who loves me for me and vice-versa. Can a 40 year old man truly connect with a 19 year-old girl? Sure – anything’s possible. It’s just not bloody likely. He’s probably out for the panties and the naiveté.

Ask A Cash: Younger women are cute, but they’re also a pain in the ass. Most of them haven’t had reality hit them yet and expect the world on a platter. It’s cute for the first three weeks. Then, next! Having your ego stroked and stepping up your game don’t relate at all. You can step your game up, and have a woman still be all about herself and not stroke your ego. You can have a woman stroke your ego, and you are content with working at Burger King. They don’t relate, but stroking a man’s ego is important in keeping him feeling like a man, and desiring you. A near 40 year old man, in my opinion, has no business being with a 19 year old woman. They’re from two different worlds, and she’s not even a woman yet.

What say you?

Whooty Advice from CoCo: "How To Keep A Man"

Man this whooty right here is something else. I kinda like CoCo though, she seems to mind her bitness. All she does is dress slutty and hump her boo all around town.... who could be mad at that I suppose.



But 'man advice' CoCo? Here's a lil tidbit from her article over at Global Grind:

It may seem a little old fashioned but here are some pointers that you can do to cater to your man:

• Make him a cold drink
• Cook him his favorite food
• Give him a body rub
• Dress in his favorite outfit or item
• Draw him a bath
• Watch all his favorite shows for a night
• Play video games with him
• And finally, kiss or lick his feet. Hehe- LOL. - very optional

"KISS OR LICK HIS FEET??? and end up with Athlete's Foot of the mouth???? Imma pass CoCo......



The rest of her article actually seems pretty logical and sensible though. Til later......

WHOOTY WHOO!!!!!!

Ask A Dude: Wifey vs. The Hot Chick

Dear Witches of the Brew, Can you please ask one of your Dudes to give his insight on the following comment from one of my dude friends?:

Jill Scott is a "wifey", build a nation, deep stimulating conversation having type of woman that you" need" in your life.
Kim Kardashian is camcorder ready, sex shop shoppin, lawd have MERCY, 7 days of the WEEK, get it! But that's about where it ends.

I mean who says a woman be all of that? Why settle for 'segments' ?

Signed,

Way to Put Us Inside a Box

Bianca: It's been a long day, let's get straight to it, Ask A Cash, thoughts?

Ask A Cash: That's the reason men search for so long. They know what they need on a spiritual, mental, nurturing level. But the flesh can be so weak...and when they see a woman that's too thick to not look at, they want that too. Problem is, most women that are physically beautiful, have nothing to offer on the inside. Personally, I think that it's because they've been raised in vanity. Someone always making that the focal point of their existence with nothing to offer on the inside. AND most of them act like bitches. So you'll have your down-to-earth girl who is dope on a number of levels vs. your vixen. Deep inside, we want the best of both worlds. But nowadays, that's hard to find.

Bianca: I don't think it is that hard to find though. I know a LOT of single, fun, attractive, slutty (with their man), supportive, kind chicks and a whooooole lot of cornball , smug, hot mess looking married broads. Splain that to me! SPLAIN IT! And isn't 'down to earth' just code word for ugly?

Ask A Cash: That one is easy: Ego. Every man has an ego. When you're walking in the mall and you see a busted, Mfu-fu, bra showin, tittie saggin, toe nail chipped, backboard ass havin girl with a (as sista's say it) FUINNEE man, it's because that chick catered to his ego. And most "pretty women" are all about themselves and self-centered. Ever hear a man say,"She makes me feel like a man"? Sound a little bitchass??? Well, not necessarily. It's that brother, however brainwashed he may be, telling you that she catered to his ego.
Men do a lot of chasing, and pretty women make you feel like you're "unworthy" at times. Men also hate to be told "no". So here comes Busted Betty...and not only does she chase HIM, but she'll do whatever this mine wants that he knows wil probbaly get him slapped if he ATTEMPTED to ask the pretty heifer. Next thing you know, he's married to the ugly chick and he's looking at himself like, "I can't believe I'm hittin this broad...oh well. The lights go off for a reason..." Catch-22, NOW all the pretty women notice and start throwing it at him.
Ya bring it on yourselves.

Bianca: Wow, you know, there are so many mixed messages that women receive, is there anything that we do right?

1. Don't pursue a man...b/c he doesn’t want what's easy.
vs.
2. Pursue a man...they love it.

1. make a man treat you like you are worth something.
vs.
2. treat HIM like a king.

Do we bring it on ourselves or are we simply CONFUSED?

ASK A Cash: There are consequences to your actions, like there are to ours. If you play hard to get, be prepared for that man to move the f*ck on. It's the same women complaining about men, who passed on a number of good men because of their very own EGO. You ain't all that Boo-Boo! And what you won't do, another chick will. Men don't choose ugly women, we give in to them. It's like running a race. You run and run and run after this same woman, and just as you're starting to fatigue, the ugly woman is standing on the side with a cool cup of water for your relief (i.e. See "Clean-up Woman"-Betty Wright).

"Pursue" is such an ugly word in your vocabulary. But there's nothing wrong with letting a man know that he's appreciated or "liked". At least enough for him to continue "pursuing" you. Give him a bone, for god's sake.

If you treat a man like a King, there's a good chance that that man will treat you like a Queen. Take off your cool from time to time. It should help you get what you want.

If I had to answer that last question, I'd say majority of you are confused. Just don't get mad when you see that "FUINNE" man cuddled up with that busted broad when you showed him every sign that you didn't want his ass.

BIANCA: Guess I better re-up on the batteries.

Ask A Dude: Characteristics of Bitchassness

Not Only a Client, but the Bitchassness President

Bianca is off getting a marriage annulled, it's long story involving a rodeo clown, a pool boy, Forrest Wittaker and an illegal prescription for Viagra.

The fabulous Jem is sitting in for her today and talking life and love with her dude-guru.

Jem: So, I’m chopping it up with one of my favorite dudes and we get on the topic of relationships, when it hits me: why haven’t I asked THIS dude to be one of our “Ask A Dudes"? So, Brew readers, meet SUpreme. He’s an Upstate dude (no, not jailed upstate, he just lives there) with an opinion on everything. And as much as I hate to admit it, he’s usually right and quite truthful, even if it comes out rather harsh.

So, here's the scenario:

TOTALLY RANDOM GIRL: So, you meet someone and kick it regularly for about 2 months. This person is very fluid and moves around quite a bit but you speak to him regularly. And, he has been very honest thus far. He calls you up one day and you're chit-chatting and he mentions that he's in another town, so you figure it's only for the weekend. You ask him which day he's coming back and he says at the end of the next month! He then says, "didn't I tell you?", which obviously he did not. You were supposed to hook up a few times the week prior but work or life got in the way. He's surprised that you feel some kind of way about all this and jokes, "okay when I get home, I'll coordinate my summer itinerary with you", then he acts insulted because you didn't immediately ask him why he's away for so long.

(So, after you stop fuming and find out he’s away for work, you then turn to SUpreme and ask for his take on this situation.)

Jem: So, is "TRG" wrong for feeling a little slighted? And how much should a man "reveal" at the start of a new friendship/relationship? When should a woman raise her "he's too mysterious" flag? (Yeah, that’s a lot of questions)

SUpreme: Hmm. Looking at THIS scenario, I would tell the woman to move on from this flake. I mean, really - what adult leaves town for a month without letting someone he's involved with know? And what else is he hiding or hasn't told the woman? Plus, the whole "didn't I tell you?" and acting insulted thing REEK of bitcha$$ness. Those are things I'D expect from a woman - a man doing these things makes me question who is "the man" in the relationship. And no woman needs to be with a guy who has similar tendencies as her or her girlfriends. A man shouldn't reveal EVERYTHING about himself or his life when first meeting someone. But after 2 months time...shoot, a girl can know if he's gonna be OUT OF TOWN for a month! I mean, you're SUPPOSED to build up trust, and break down each other's walls - that's part of being in a relationship, or at least growing one together. If I was advising any woman in this situation, I'd tell her to move on. The flakiness is strong with this one...as is the feminine ways.Bitcha$$ is he. Man he is not. ***shout out to Yoda***

Jem: (What is it with men and Yoda?) Interesting, and what are the characteristics of bitchassness...if you had to compile a list, I mean?

SUpreme: Bitcha$$ness is essentially a man acting like a woman and/or exhibiting feminine characteristics. This doesn't remotely mean gay - it's just having the reaction one would see more commonly in the female species. Some things that would denote bitcha$$ness in a man:

• expecting someone to guess his feelings
• Jealousy/envy/hate
• stank actions towards someone
• expecting the woman to be the decision
• maker and strong person in the relationship
• overt sensitivity
• cattiness
• overt moodiness
• gossiping/talking behind people's backs
• acting salty, pouting, whining incessantly
• not being A MAN
• playing games

Pretty much anything that you would see a guy doing regularly that you should expect from a female in actions would amount to bitcha$$ness. Cuz some of these suckas are bitches too!

Jem: That’s quite a list! So, how much time should you give a man if you see a few of these bitchass signals popping up? Perhaps he’s just having an off day? When do you throw in the towel?

SUpreme: Well, a guy could slip up and do something once that wouldn't constitute bitcha$$ness. Example - I'm a moody person. Always have been. Now here's the difference between a regular MAN who is moody and a bitcha$$ man...I may have different moods, but I don't take it out on anyone, nor do I let it interfere with my interactions with people I know. That's because as a child I was taught that women are all over the place like that with their moodiness at times; men keep it cool. If we ARE in a bad mood, we simply let people know and either remove ourselves from being around people or give them a heads up "not today". A bitcha$$ will CONSISTENTLY be moody like a woman. Meaning, happy at 2pm, crabby at 3pm, angry at 4pm. But then they won't EXPLAIN that they're in a bad mood, and just act...well, like A BITCH. I mean, even moody women don't have to act like bitches; but a bitcha$$ man can't help but to do it. It's the overwhelming bitcha$$ness in them. Consistent behavior lets you know of his bitcha$$ness. Even though Puffy coined the phrase nationwide, he was RIGHT when applying it to "Que" on "Making The Band" - his behavior was like Exhibit A of a bitcha$$ man. Really, most of that group's behavior was. Crying, whining, acting like divas, yelling and spazzing out - all acting like high school girls. If u want a good indicator of EXTREME BITCHA$$NESS, watch the past two seasons of "Making The Band". Or type "bitcha$$ness" into the search on youtube. If you even THINK a guy is being bitcha$$ - get away from him. One time may be a misunderstanding. 2-3 times...that sucka's a bitcha$$.

Jem: This really went from what to reveal in a relationship to what's a bitchass! I knew I could count on you, SUpreme.

Now, we'll have to talk about these moody women later. That's a whole lotta generalizing right there.

Ask a Dude: Limits. Know yours.

So, last night I was at home watching a repeat episode of Entourage--there was a random subplot with Turtle, you know he's always up for hi jinx. Anyway, he met some freak via dirty personals, who wanted him to wear a costume. She was a plushie and could only get randy if he wore some kind of squirrel get up, for their encounter.

Now, I'm an open minded kind of gal: "You want to call me what, while you put that...in my where?? Okay.. we can try it.'' To each his own and all. But I have limits. My limits may differ from yours and that doesn't make either of us wrong. But I'm wondering...at what point, do you find out when your limits and the limits of your new boo... are just not meshing. And is this a deal breaker?

I went to our sensible dude, 'Ask a Cash' for some answers. Sadly, based on a true story. (I go through these things, so you don't have to!)

Bianca: OK...so you have just started dating this chick. You really like her..you get 'intimate' the sex is 'so so'. She explains afterward that she thinks it could be better because she is really into ''different things'' and wonders if you can hang.She sends you a box..inside the box.. is a latex costume, clamps and contraptions. What do you do?

Ask A Cash: Is the latex for her or me???

Bianca: You. She has get-ups of her own. Lots of get-ups, of her own.

Ask A Cash: HELL NO!!! Here's the problem: without all of the "equipment" the sex was only "so-so", which means after awhile I'd lose interest. I mean, you can't wear that stuff all the time. And if I have to be dressed up like Trinity from the Matrix to have a good time EVERY TIME, then it's not worth it.

Bianca: I whole-heartedly agree (Told you this guy was sensible). You should not have to pull out your costumes to be able to enjoy a nooner with your partner, every single time. If you start at ball gags and latex, what comes next?

Limits, know yours. And people who desired 'other exotic treats'... that's what Craig's List Personals are for.

ASK A DUDE: Lessons in Life, Love and Poop

Bianca: Dude?

Dude: B?

Bianca: What would you do if on your first over night date, a girl went in your bathroom and took a righteous dump? What if she was in there groaning and moaning. then came out like 'hey sup? wanna do it?'

Dude: I'm not going to lie...that has happened to me.

Bianca: This is why I come to you.

DUDE: Recently too. That's the sad thing..earlier this year...and it wasn't all that moaning and groaning...type of thing. But (in an ‘intimate moment) she came out talking about..."Just when I was ready I had to take a shit" See..she didn't have to tell me that. I was so uninspired...I couldn't get the boy up on my own. See..she just didn't have to tell me that.

Bianca: Um, but you still got it up, eh?

DUDE: She ‘’did some oral things”.. got it up.. started hitting it. Then she flipped over, and from the back I could only envisioned her taking a shit. I Died down again..
I was sooooooooooooooooo turned off. I have never lost a woody like that before...but she really fukked my head up with that.

Bianca: Yea, sounds tragic.

DUDE: Yeah...she wonders why we never did it again or why I’ve never been back
back to her place. I wasn’t attracted to her enough that she can get by with an "I had to shit" statement. You know that there are some people that you are so attracted to, that they can get away with sometimes that others cant'
She wasn’t that girl.

Bianca: Gotcha. Um so why were you having the sex with her if you weren't 'that attracted to her'??

DUDE: I was at first....but as I grew to know her, personality wise, I got turned off. but she cooked and had a real comfortable house so I liked being in her place. I just didn’t want to fukk her. But, she got horny one day.. I .. I figured I owed her sex.

Bianca: I have no words.

What have we learned here today?

1. Never assume that just because a man is around you all the time, he likes you- you’re place may just be real comfy.

2. Never assume you are cute enough to talk about your poop habits, right before doing it with a new fella.

3. Dude is nasty.

Advice: The Modern Man’s Guide To Cheating

This following message sponsored by:

EXTREME SARCASM!

Ahhh The Smell of it!

The Modern Man’s Guide To Cheating

Step 1:

Make sure you, and no one you know, has access to the Internet. There is nothing worse than some asshole blowing up your spot by posting pics on Facebook of you and your side lady love, on your “Boys Weekend”. All is takes is one jerk-off with World Wide Web access to ruin a “happy-ish” home! Now, you’ve got to explain to your wife: “I thought I told you it was ‘Boys with their Girlfriends and not WIVES’ weekend... my bad baby...my bad!” This all could have been avoided by living No-Tech Loca!

Step 2.

If living unplugged is not an option, get as many alternate email addresses as your mind can handle. Don’t forget to use different passwords, hell make the passwords so convoluted and obscure even YOU can’t figure them out. Did you know that puzzles and mind benders are proven to ward off Alzheimer’s!? That’s right serve BOTH heads at the same time!

Step 3:

Here’s where being an educated man REALLY pays off. Join your Alma Mater’s alumni web group. There is no shortage of aging single tail there. Think of the possibilities! You’ll be able to see if your old virginal girlfriend learned some new freaktastic moves. Or if you are a former nerd who's ‘made it’ you can holla at that chick you were too Gump-like to step to back in the day, and show her how she missed out. EVERYBODY (but your wife) WINS!

Step 4:

Do not attempt to lose a pound, put down the dumbbell and pick up a hoagie- you hear me!? First of all you are the MUTHAFLIPPIN MAN! Why would you need to tighten up that gut? Secondly, you would never want your significant other, to think you are getting it tight for her or anyone else. DAMN THAT! Enjoy your beer, your boobs AND your babes. Trust me, the women you cheat with and on, will be so damn confused that you could possibly share that puzzle-bod with anyone besides them, they’ll never believe it!

Advice From Someone Who’s Been There: Paging Dr. Cookie Puss!

Nothing irks me more than someone who is “Bout to”, “Fitting to” “Getting ready..’ to do something. To ghetto paraphrase Nike, JUST DO THAT SHIT MUTHFUGGA!
The things we attain in life, higher education, career or that hot ass body are less about lip service, and more about action.

If you want to be a proctologist be the best asshole you can be. If you want to be a GYN, then like Jake Steed.: ‘Get The P...’ What I’m saying is, do things every day that support the vision you have for yourself. Put yourself in the environment that best supports your dreams, and dump all the other extraneous stuff that does not fall in line with your goals. If you really want something, I mean realllllly want something. Eat and breath that shit. Surround yourself with like minded people, you’ll help each other reach your goals. If the situation lends itself to it, work for free, just for the experience. In this economy, who is turning down ‘free labor’?

In all honesty, it took me longer than some to realize what I want to be ‘when I grow up’ (yea I don’t think that is ever going to happen). But as I figured it out, the one thing I realized if I really wanted to make my dreams come true (and I dream BIG bitches), I have to suck it up and maybe miss out on some of the things that don’t support that goal. Seriously, do you want to go to the brain surgeon that you always see in the club every Friday and Saturday nights?

I suppose miracles do happen, but I don’t know that anyone immediately became a licensed vagi-cat doctor who spent all their time working at Carvel. I'm jussayin'.

Ask A Dude: Poont Pixels, Can You Wife That?

courtesy Imagine

Due to the extreme angina brought on by Original Ask a Dude, I have had to bring in reinforcements. Please join us for a special edition of :

ASK TWO DUDES

We Witches of the Brew are pretty much in agreement; unsolicited peen pics are pretty damn gross and annoying. It’s the worst kind of calling card a man can send a grown ass woman looking for a quality gentleman.

But I wondered if it the same for men. And if they are completely disgusted and turned off, the way we are...why do they keep sending pics of their peens dressed up in cowboy outfits?!

First, welcome to the Brew SFNG (SENSIBLE FOCKIN’ NEW DUDE)

Q: If you went out on one or two dates with a girl. and she sent you an unsolicited text of her vagina... what would you do and how do you proceed with her after that?

SFNG: I would feel like she was cutting to the chase and telling me what she REALLY wanted. Some women wait before sending the "exclusives" or expose themselves like that. But for the women that don't, they want to sleep with you, right then and now. OR, she could be digging you but wants to know what you're "working with" before she gets too into you. Sending a vagi-text is not only opening her legs, but also opening the door for a "reply text". Either, sex will be involved (whether it's with her or solo ;-) ), but not much afterwards.Post Vagi-text results:1. She's getting laid. Maybe many times if she's worth it.2. She won't get a call back EXCEPT to get laid. Maybe many times if she's worth it.


And because I’m a glutton for punishment, I have asked this guy back.

Via chat OGD(Original Gross Dude)

BIANCA: Question
OGD: What’s up?
BIANCA: If you went out on one or two dates with a girl. and she sent you an unsolicited text of her vagina.. what would you do?
OGD: I get that all the time. Hell, we don’t even have to go out. Oh and I'll be hitting it...soon.
BIANCA: You get that.. “ALL THE TIME?''
OGD: She will have to work her way up my social positioning as opposed to down.
Cause I'll look at her as a piece of New ass... and just ass... and she will have to work her way up to someone of significance... usually..it goes the other way.. you are a person of interest..possible significance, till u start fukking up and get demoted to being a piece of ass.
BIANCA: You give me such a horrible headache.
OGD: U love it
BIANCA: not so much ...not so much
OGD: OK..Im kidding..but yes..I use to get p*ssy texts and pics all the time. want me to forward u one? LOL just kidding......they are on my old phone
BIANCA: no i'm good. thanks. So why did they send them to you? Did you request them?
OGD: I cant retrieve pics with this blasted Iphone
BIANCA: DUDE I DON'T WANNA SEE THE EFFING PICTURES!!
OGD: Im not going to send them.. I know u can look at your own all day. But if its any consolation to you.. theirs aren't any prettier than yours.
BIANCA: I hate my life. *(look don’t judge Bianca... I was going thru a rough patch, Wham had just broken up, I had just gotten outta prison, um, the sun was in my eyes...)
OGD: I really know how to charm a lady huh.
BIANCA: *shaking head sadly at monitor* This can't be my life.

THE VERDICT: No surprise there, from classy to assy the dude consensus is - you send a dude Poont Pixels, you will get stuffed full of penis and not much else... definitely not taken outside. But you should be used to that.

Spring Cleaning Brew Style: #4, Girl, Bye!

We all have them, women or men in our lives that we call friends. But have they really earned that title? Now, time and again we can all get annoyed with even our besties. But what if you consistently leave a person feeling drained and disgusted? Guess what, they aint your friends.
Cut out that feminine need to people please at your own expense, being a victim is not cute.

TIPS TO KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO DUMP A BITCH

You find yourself dreading their company. If you have to get your game face on to see your home girl, go get a bikini wax, file your toenail clippings, just do something else positive with your time.

If you KNOW they talk about you, because you talk about them... LIKE A DOG.

If they take joy in your misery and set up events where they can watch the show unfold. Not only is this beeyatch, not your friend.. you should probably punch her in her face. Just saying..

When they tell you they are going to date your ex boyfriend. I'm not talking about some dude you went for drinks with or 'dated' for 15 mins in college, but someone you had a full blown relationship with. This is not an episode of of 90210, furthermore Brenda should STILL kick Kelly's monkey ass for that bullshit... uh, sorry where was I?



Seriously, that's that BULLISHT!

When the thought of you possibly doing better than them in any fashion sends them into a tailspin. Have you ever told your 'friend' some great news... new promotion/job, you finally perfected your BJ technique, you got that wart removed, only to have her go off the friggen rails, at your happiness? ''OHHH NOOO, WHAT ABOUT MY WARRRTTT?'', this hose beast sobs.... "Now I have to get MYYY wart removed.'' The idea that you could possibly be walking around wart free, sends her into such a tizzy that she has to be soothed by you, and you can't even enjoy the fact that you are no longer Warty McForty! WTF?

You just don't like yourself when you are around this douchebag. You find yourself second guessing the hotness, awesomeness, and sheer 'the shit-ness' that is you, after a hour in she-bitches company. There is a problem. Never let anyone snatch your swagger. Damn, that!

Spring Cleaning Brew Style: Project #1 Relationship Dust Bunnies

Spring has offically sprung, and with the normal spring cleaning of one's home (Sexy girls do not have dirty houses). Perhaps it's time we take stock of the emotional garbage weighing us down (sometimes literally)?

Women have a tendency to hold on to broken things for far too long. And I'm talking from my own experience here. We get so attached to the feel good portions of relationships that we brush the ugly stuff under the rug. The stuff that doesnt honor who we are, what we want and mostly what we are worth. We get so caught up in the 'what he wants' drama, that we ignore our own desires. For what? To have someone, anyone? To not have one more failure under your belt? Because the sex is good? Are these good enough reasons to sacrifice your total happiness?

As I am every day striving to become a better woman, these reasons are no longer good enough for me to hold on to broken relationships. So, I'm cleaning house. And I challenge you sisters who cry too many tears and laugh not enough, to join me.

Make a final break with already broken relationships. Let a man who doesn't know what he wants, go forth and find it, without you and leave you free to find someone who knows what he wants. Let someone who keeps you on the outskirts of his life 'get away', because he's telling you as plain as day that he does value you. So let's value ourselves.

Saving My Spirit: Giving Up The Chase

We talk a lot about health, fashion, gossip and general foolishness here at the Brew, but what's more important than the spirit? The 40-day season of prayer and fasting known as Lent starts Wednesday and I've been giving some good thought to this of late. Most years I don't give up anything. I just say to myself, "I'll just work at being a better person instead.' Well, not so fast this year. I'm spending my 40 days in the desert giving up "the chase." What's the chase, you ask? It's the pursuit of something that cannot be grasped. This is not to say that I'm giving up on my dreams or my goals, I will always be in pursuit of those. I'm just giving up on things that appear unattainable and cause more harm, more worry and more frustration than good. I'm using these 40 days to accept myself: every high point, every low point, every flaw and every good attribute. I'm using these 40 days to come to an understanding that whatever is meant for me, is for me. I don't have to chase it. I don't have to harass it. I don't have to wonder when it will call, text, e-mail or appear on my doorstep. If it's meant to be, chances are it wants to chase me too.

So, what will you give up this season? You've got a couple of days to figure it out. Lent starts Wednesday, February 25th and lasts until Saturday, April 11th. Yeah, that's 46 days, but work with it!