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Witches' Brew: Brew Advice: Top 5 Tips For "Easter-Only" Christians

Friday, April 2, 2010

Brew Advice: Top 5 Tips For "Easter-Only" Christians

I know some of you follow the "COGOOCME" faith ("Church of God Only On Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter"), but there are some things you can do to fake it with the best of the churchgoing types without letting your hoodrat ways peek through. Here are some tips to safely to get yourself through church this Sunday, so you'll make it to that greasy Easter dinner.
  • Memorize a few verses (John 11:35 "Jesus wept" never fails)

  • When Sister Jenkins who always sings off key in the choir asks you how you're doing... answer with one of the following: "I'm too blessed to be stressed;" "I stay prayed up, Sis. Jenkins" or, you could go with my personal favorite: "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... (watch Sister Jenkins catch the ghost before you even get to "fear no evil.") Trust me. It slays 'em every time.

  • When in doubt, pastel it out!

  • Find a hat. Wear it. You'll fit right in with Sister Jenkins and her crew.  Just don't sit in the front pew.  You're not prayed-up enough for that yet.  It's like the VIP room at a Diddy white party.  Don't even try it.

  • If you don't know the words to church hymns that the weekly churchgoers know like their ABCs, then you must mouth the words like a proper lip-syncing artist (*looking at you Puffy*). But, how do you mouth words you don't know? Simple, slowly mouth the word "watermelon" and clap in unison with Sister Jenkins' crew and everyone else, then fallout in a total praise roll on the floor. Make sure you do a sweep of the middle aisle so Sis. Jenkins can see you though. Works every time!

Happy Easter my people!

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At Friday, April 2, 2010 at 4:33:00 PM EDT , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wrote about this subject as well today. Go to my blog for more tips for "Cheasters" and "Holy Rollers"


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