Brew Advice: Top 5 Tips For "Easter-Only" Christians

I know some of you follow the "COGOOCME" faith ("Church of God Only On Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter"), but there are some things you can do to fake it with the best of the churchgoing types without letting your hoodrat ways peek through. Here are some tips to safely to get yourself through church this Sunday, so you'll make it to that greasy Easter dinner.

• Memorize a few verses (John 11:35 "Jesus wept" never fails)
  
  
• When Sister Jenkins who always sings off key in the choir asks you how you're doing... answer with one of the following: "I'm too blessed to be stressed;" "I stay prayed up, Sis. Jenkins" or, you could go with my personal favorite: "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... (watch Sister Jenkins catch the ghost before you even get to "fear no evil.") Trust me. It slays 'em every time.
  
  
• When in doubt, pastel it out!
  
  
• Find a hat. Wear it. You'll fit right in with Sister Jenkins and her crew.  Just don't sit in the front pew.  You're not prayed-up enough for that yet.  It's like the VIP room at a Diddy white party.  Don't even try it.
  
  
• If you don't know the words to church hymns that the weekly churchgoers know like their ABCs, then you must mouth the words like a proper lip-syncing artist (*looking at you Puffy*). But, how do you mouth words you don't know? Simple, slowly mouth the word "watermelon" and clap in unison with Sister Jenkins' crew and everyone else, then fallout in a total praise roll on the floor. Make sure you do a sweep of the middle aisle so Sis. Jenkins can see you though. Works every time!

Happy Easter my people!

Brew Bits: Racist Easter Eggs

A few wayward Easter eggs showed some Michigan kids just how disrespectful some people can be. Sunday, a few Black families in Auburn Hills, MI found plastic eggs stuffed with racist notes in their yards. The eggs had “N” word notes and references to the Aryan Nation inside them. One kid who opened one of the eggs thought they really came from the Easter bunny. Police are investigating the incident.

Sullying the name of Easter? White Jesus does not approve of this behavior!

Source

Recession Affecting White Jesus Too

This economy is a mofo. First the Fat Boys break up, now every day I wake up… oh wait, that’s Jay-Z. Anyway, Atlanta’s Bishop Eddie Long has been forced to scale back his elaborate annual Easter Celebration. This year marks the first time in 15 years that Long’s New Birth Missionary Baptist Church won’t hold Easter service in the Georgia Dome.

The Easter celebration usually draws some 40,000 people to the Dome. But not this year. Trust me, two years ago, I watched this thing on TV and was mesmerized for hours, much like watching that screaming pastor on BET.

Long says church revenues are off by 20%. So this Sunday's service will not be the usual $200,000 production he’s used to conducting. Instead, the Bishop will hold three services in his 10,000 seat church outside Atlanta. His message: “Vision in Hard Times.”

I’d say so.

Church and Easter... What to do???

So Easter is this Sunday and I'm trying to decide whether or not I'm gonna go to church. Easter sure does bring out the best in most Negroes doesn't it? We pull out our best duds (preferably pastel colored) and patent leather shoes and hightail our asses to any house of worship that still has seats available (cause Negroes fill up a church on Easter like it's the club). If I could find a church here in the DC area where people don't fall out and have convulsions I would probably go every Sunday but all that holy ghost stuff scares the crapola outta me. I remember I went to church once and the pastor put his hands on top of my head and starting speaking in tongues. Now the first thing I was thinking was " oh no this mofo don't have his hands all up in my hair like he crazy " and it was my new peruvain/brazilian mix hair too, no sir you are buggin! then the second thing I thought was " what the fug is he saying???". Maybe he saw the demons flying around me and was trying to excorcise them outta me, who knows, either way I don't want all that. I just want a nice mild mannered church where there may be a shout or two of "halleujah!" and an occasional "praise the lord!" I don't want nobody falling out next to me or giving an impromtu step show and blaming it on the holy ghost cause quite frankly if the holy ghost is indeed responsible for these occurences then he need not jump into my body, Sunday is my day off from working out and I'd be pissed if this meddlesome holy ghost caused me to have a break a sweat on my off day So we'll have to see how the church thing goes. It would be nice to be in choir and put my singing skills to good use since I'm clearly not gonna be a pop star unless they come out with "Elderly Idol" if they do, I'm all ova that!

I think being filled with the spirit to the point where you wanna burst and do a little jig is nice, really I do, but should wigs be flying off in the process? See this is what I mean, this is a no no, check it out:

Things Negroes Like: Easter Edition

It’s Tuesday folks and you know what that means: time for the Things Negroes Like. But this week, I’ve been inspired by the rebirth and rejuvenation that the holy time of Easter ushers in. Now, a couple weeks ago I talked greasy about white Jesus. I’m not going to do that again! (*says Hail Mary & an Our Father*)

But, I will crack on you Negroes and how you interpret Easter.

Run it…

6 hours in the hair salon

The outcome usually involves some form of ringlets, Shirley Temple curls and an up-do (occasionally, all of the aforementioned ‘dos appear atop the same head)

Easter/Christmas Christians

Now, I don’t judge the relationship you have with the Resurrected Jesus. But I will talk about those of you who only peek a head in a church for Easter and Christmas, with an occasional wedding and a funeral on the side. God will be having a talk with you.

New suits

A necessity to impress the other Easter/Christmas Christians who you’ll only see twice a year, so who cares if your suit is brand new?

Pastel colors

See above (this is a staple of the Negro Easter experience)

Easter dinner

But you know you don't really like your family all that much!

Hot cross buns

Easter ain’t Easter if you don’t O.D. on a few of these jokers. My Grandmother would let me eat them well before the holiday. She loved me!

Cadbury bunnies

Negroes get real pissed off and lose the Easter spirit when the bunny is hollow. Send me a solid rabbit dammit! And you can keep the dyed eggs and the marshmallow Peeps!

‘Til next week… Happy Easter!