Brew Dating Woes: "A Happy Ending Would Be Great"......

Ok so I went on date# 5,789 on Saturday night with a seemingly nice fella. We spoke briefly on the phone during the day to firm up our plans then decided on the place we would meet. So, we get there at the same time, park next to each other and go inside (awww, how cute right?). I wanted to see the Duke/WV game and he did too so we find two good seats in front of the TV at the bar and so the date commences. Well, then things get really really strange. He’s a tall guy, about 6’5 so I imagine that tight spaces make him feel umcomfy so instead of sitting next to me he chooses to stand. Ok fine, no biggie until he slowly drifts to a space behind me and is no longer beside me, Hmmmm now this is getting weird, aren’t we on a date??? Ok so I’m not totally thrown and as always I’m the life of the bar talking to everyone and having a good time (even making googly eyes at a really cute boy who looked like Al B. Sure…….)

But then here’s where it got super weird, I hear him on the phone telling whomever he’s talking to his whereabouts, I make no assumptions just thought it was weird. Well about 15 minutes after that his friends start showing up one by one. He takes the time to introduce them to me and then goes right back into weirdo mode. Ok so clearly this is no longer a date because a grown man in his 30's doesn't invite his boys on his date right? I mean I've dated 23 year olds who wouldn't do this. But anyway as it turns out I absolutely love his friends and they love me back! I mean I’m actually relieved they showed up cause I sadly began to realize that I only agreed to the date cause he was tall and in the DMV area tall dudes are hard to come by, but his personality was a total mismatch for me. So one friend is even like “yo does he know how great you are? What is wrong with him? Why is he over there and I’m over here with you?”

Dude, beats me! I have no idea. But just when you think this date can’t get any weirder the tall boring dude and I leave, he walks me to my car, gets in with me, looks creepily and seductively in my eyes and proceeds to say “yeah so a happy ending would be great”. EXCUSE ME SIR!!!!???? You want me to wank your chicken???? Is you serious???? I mean I didn’t even order from the peen sucking side of the bar menu! Why would I give you such a treat??? And what a strange request from someone you pretty muched ignored the entire night, did word get out?? Is my name in bathroom stalls nationwide advertising my talents??? WTF!

*sigh* Still, the dummy in me will go on more dates, I refuse to give up……….

Brew Dating Woes: A Steak and a Dream.......

So you know, there's this dude right, he's cool, sparks never fly between ya'll but you're willing to give it the ole college try on a dating level. Butterflies and sparks are for kids anyway, or so you tell yourself . So ya'll go back and forth on what you'd like this first date to look like (he's playing mad games though cause he sees you're a sturdy girl so he knows damn well you want it to fall somewhere on the food line) and decide you'll play it by ear because you both have pretty full schedules. So then one night outta the blue he calls and says "Hey meet me at such n such place, I'm here with some folks I know, I would love to buy you a meal and spend some time with you". BAM! he said meal! you are out the door!

But...... you get there and much to your surprise, some folks = his whole entire effin crew! Like every friend he's ever had in his entire life. It's really more like 'boys night out' but for some bizarre reason he invites you out to join them. Now he sticks to his end of the bargain as far as the meal he felt so compelled to buy you, however he gets you situated in a spot that's comfy for you, tells you to order what you want and then goes back over to his boys and leaves you alone with a steak and a dream....

HUNH??? How weird is this? Now he does come over periodically to check on you and make sure you're doing good meal wise  but he's really there to date his boys. Now are you wrong when you give your # to some of the other menses in the vicinity who find you pretty hot n tempting??? Wrong or not, that's what I did. Ole boy was so engrossed in dating his boys that he was never none the wiser. Clearly, our thing never went anywhere but he still insists to this day that I'm the apple of his eye. But who dates in this fashion?? As long as I live in this DC area I swear I will continue to be stunned and amazed by the dating scene here.

Not so bad though I suppose, at least I get some steaks for my troubles.......

A Shy Friend's Tale: Nukkin Pa Nub On These Innawebs.....

So listen, I have this shy friend right, who some might fancy a "pretty hot and tempting" chick. So outta curiosity this shy friend of mine decides she's gonna dabble a bit here and there on this dating site cause you know, let's just say the ones she's meeting on her own out in the streets, in the grocery store,  on the metro and at various other locations are just not making the grade. So she says "eh! what the hell, can't be so bad"

Well she stands corrected...... this is a sampling of what's been "innaweb" holleriing at her: (please note: the one on the top, we'll call him "White Cap", has been goin hard! like he wants her bad!)

So, she's deleting her account, TODAY!! and going back to the grocery store.......

Brew Dating Woes: Are You Preparing Yourself to be a Wife?

I found this chick’s message interesting, don’t totally agree but still found it interesting. She’s asking if we (single women) are preparing ourselves to be wives, forget about this notion of breathing a sigh of relief when we get a man, focus more on being the kind of woman the man would want to keep. Hmmmm, ok, I’ll buy it, a little, but what chaffs my ass are views like this and the countless, books, advice columns, relationship blogs etc that point the finger at the woman being the one who has to get and keep her man. We have to cook 8 course meals in stilettos with a monkey on our head, we have work out twice in the morning before work and then again at midnight, we have to be able to spin, exorcist style on a peen while breast feeding our babies. Why we gotta do everything? What do the men have to do? One song that really peeves me and makes my nipples ache is Destiny Child’s “Cater to You”, specifically Kelly Rowland’s verse ……

Baby I'm Happy You're Home,

Let Me Hold You In My Arms

I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You

Making Sure That I'm Doing My Part (Oh)

Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do (Oh)

If You Want It (I Got It)

Say The Word (I Will Try It)

I Know Whatever I'm Not Fulfilling (Oh)

Another Woman Is Willing (Oh)

I'm Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You (Promise You)

I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)

Remain The Same Chick (Yeah)

You Fell In Love With (Yeah)

I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right

I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits

When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over

Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)

If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy

All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

Hmmm, yeah okay Kelly, all that huh? I’m sorry but if I’m sleep you can’t tap me on my shoulders and hump me, I’M SLEEP!! IS YOU SERIOUS???? “I’m here to serve you?” all hells no! What about us? Now I know men will say that perhaps that may be why I’m single, and perhaps they may be right. I’m not doing all that, just to get and keep a man? Really? Then she promises him she’ll keep herself up, now this one always gets my cellulite in a tizzy. It is usually men who look like this:

That require a super fine hottie, now THAT ish really pisses me off. I’ve dated extremely attractive men who find my mild chubbiness an endearing quality but it’s always those men who are very challenged in the looks department that require physical perfection in a woman. I’m not that mad at what the young lady is saying in this video, just tired of the bs, tired of the whole ‘ladies I know the recipe, let me fix you so you can get a man” UGH! When does it stop being our fault? When do men have to start looking at themselves? When will it be their turn to grill the steaks while doing the ‘stanky leg’ in a g-string?

At some point it just has to stop being our fault….. Imjussayin…….

Single Brewchies: Don't Fall for the "Let's Meet for a Drink" Trick.....

“Maybe we can hook up for a beverage” is what the text read. What it read to me was “I’m not sure if you’re gonna give me some booty-tang so I’m only willing to spring for a martini or two” well to you my cheap, cautious friend I say “EFF OFF!!!!!”. I am at my wits end with serial texters who think they can forge a relationship via their mobile carrier’s monthly text messaging allowance. But more important than that, I need to be fed! Preferably a meal with a healthy sized portion of meat, a generous serving of an indulgent carbohydrate and a vegetable to keep things moving smoothly as it exits my body.

You gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to fool my greedy ass with the ole “let’s meet for a drink” trick. I wish men would just come on out with it instead of the lame foolishness, something like “hi ma’am, I would love it if you would allow me entry into your love cave without so much as me buying you a tootsie roll let alone a steak, it would be so swell if you would allow me to do that”……. A beverage???? The nerve!

His text reminded me of a man I met a few months ago that thought it would be fun to go bowling, I agreed cause it was something different than having to sit through another movie and pretend I was seeing it for the first time even though it was like the 5th…… so anyhoo this lad comes to pick me up and I honestly couldn’t recall exactly what he looked like since I met him in the grocery store and when I’m around food I’m focused but I gave him my # so he would step off. Well let’s just say that what picked me up that evening was a frightful mess but hey, he was already there and I figured “eh! I’ll bowl, get a snack outta ole boy and never answer his calls again” no biggie right? So we go on the date, he’s funny enough so it makes me forget that he’s a certified eyesore and the evening comes to an end. Now notice I made no mention of a snack stop…… there was no snack and no mention was made of a snack so you know I was too through! Well it gets worse, he drops me back to my house and as I proceed to thank him and exit the car this dude leans in for a kiss and reaches in to fondle a tittyball!!!!!

EXCUSE ME SIR!!!! #1 you are very ugly! #2 EXCUSE ME SIR????!! #3 you are very ugly!!! #4 you did not buy me a snack!!! I DO NOT PLAY THAT!! You can call me a bitch, call my mama a Hunts Point hooker, even insult my grandma but you will not get away with not buying me a snack and then think you get to feel on my USDA titty meat! I DON’T THINK SO! To make matters worse, when I looked at him with horror at his failed attempt to fondulate me, his response was “but I thought we liked each other”, AS IF! In what country does the feeling that someone likes you equal “yeah let me see if I can get those tittyballs in my mouf real quick”???? YOU DID NOT BUY ME A SNACK!!!!

So suffice it to say this beverage texter doesn’t have a shot in hell……….

Escape My Date

Have you ever been trapped on a painful date?  I sure have.  Let's see... there was that one time a dude told me about his impending WEDDING while we were having appetizers.  Well, ladies, fear those scrubs no more!  Now, there's Escape My Date.

The site uses Twitter to reach out to your friends and rescue you from dating hell.  To make use of the site, sign up with your Twitter info, create a profile and then pick the friends you'd want to reach out to you to escape a bad date.  When that bad date rolls around, send a direct message @EscapeMyDate and they will send the message to your selected friends. If your friends don't call you within five minutes, Escape My Date will automatically call you to give you an out.

Of course, you could just tell that dude he sucks and then quit that bitch in glorious Bianca fashion!

Who Needs a Woman... When You Can Make One?

I'm no fan of the lackluster "dating scene" these days either, but dayum. I have no plans to "create" a man (well, not counting the one with batteries in the cabinet).

This Japanese man has spent more than $170,000 on rubbery sex dolls! He has one for every day of the week. Hell, one for every day of the month.

He says he's over the dating game and would rather make sweet love to his silent dolls than find a real woman.

So, is he nuts or does he have a point? Are women too much trouble? Did I miss that memo? What's your call?

Why You Should Give Some Guys A Fake Number

So, a girl was out with her friends in Toronto when a guy tries to run that “can I meet you, can I get to know you, you’re the most awesome woman I’ve ever seen, baby baby baby please” game on her. She gives in and gives him a business card, hoping he’ll go away.

Bad move on her part!

The guy leaves her two lengthy voice mails that probably made her wish she’d slid him a fake (like we used to do back in high school… don’t act like you never did it ladies! I was always “Michelle” and the number I’d give out was to the local arcade).

Anyway, the woman called a radio show and had them play the messages on the air.

Take a listen.

Stalker alert! Stalker alert!

*that’s not the guy, but in my mind, I imagine that’s what he looks like

Who Wears The Pants?

We often talk about relationships (the lack-there-of), dating and finding “good” men here at the Brew. But, take a listen to what “COULD” be at the heart of many of these issues: gender roles!

This YouTube “blogger” JunebugObama (I’ma let that slide) has a series of clips he calls “Who Wears The Pants?” Take a listen and tell us what you think. Are men and women fighting for the same roles within relationships? Who needs to step up? Who should fall back? Or, are his views too 1940s for today’s relationships?



Click Taste The Brew for parts 2 and 3.


Part Two


Part Three


So, what’s your call?

Hey Junebug…show your face honey!

Brew News: Details of One Jacked Up Night...

TMZ has gotten their hands on the damn officers report from the Rihanna/Chris Brown debacle (they are truly minions of El Diablo!).

From the tone of this- does this sound like the first time he's put his hands on her to you? Eff your crocodile tears, homie.

Source: TMZ.COM

Rihanna told the officer she got into an argument with Chris Brown over something that had occurred at an event they were at earlier in the evening.

"The victim said she became enraged and slammed both of her fists against the dashboard on the passenger side of the car they were in. She reported that the defendant then pulled the vehicle over and reached over her with his right hand. He opened the car door and tried to force the victim out."

According to the report, Brown was unable to shove Rihanna out of the car because she was wearing a seatbelt.

The report continues, "When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the car. "

"The victim then faced the defendant and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then continued driving."

"As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand."

Rihanna told cops the "assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the inside of the car."

Rihanna told cops after Brown "stopped his first assault .. she looked in the mirror and saw her eye beginning to swell.

[Brown] looked at [Rihanna] and said 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

Rihanna told police she tried to call her personal assistant, but she didn't pick up -- but Rihanna says she "pretended to talk, saying, 'I'm on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.'"

Rihanna says she pulled the act "because she did not want to get beat anymore."

But after Rihanna's fake phone conversation, she claims Brown "looked at [Rihanna] and said, "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!"

Rihanna told cops that Brown unleashed a second wave of punches, "during which time [Rihanna] interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face." He continued to punch her on her left arm, which caused a contusion on her left tricep.

At that point Rihanna tried texting her assistant. Brown threw the phone out of the car, stopped the vehicle and Rihanna then tried opening her door to get out, but Brown sped off and the door shut with Rihanna inside.

Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock while he drove, then bit her on her left ear. The car eventually stopped and Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition, and Brown began to punch her again in the face and arms. He placed her in a headlock and started applying pressure to her carotid artery. She couldn't breathe and began to lose consciousness. She tried freeing herself, and Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her.

Rihanna took off her shoe and tried breaking the passenger window, and he continued to punch her.

Eventually, Brown got out of the car. Rihanna opened the door and continued screaming. Brown began punching her again. He got back in the car and screamed "Where are my f***ing keys?" He got out, looked for the keys in vain, and when he could not find them removed several CDs and walked away.

Officers were called and observed numerous contusions and abrasions to Rihanna's face and forehead, as well as bruising on her left arm. There were other injuries as well.

Investigators determined Brown was wearing a large ring on his right hand which caused several of Rihanna's injuries.

I WISH A CHICKEN CHEST MOFOCKA WOULD!

Fantasy Football: Stacking Your Dating Roster

Ladies,

In an attempt to save myself great heartache down the road, I asked my man-friend what to do about another guy, let's call this other guy "more-than-a-man-friend." Now, this man-friend guy is an opinion machine, let me tell ya. And luckily for me, most of his opinions ring true and are rooted in some serious experience.

So, I asked man-friend about how to protect my feelings in this situation. I'm feeling this more-than-a-man-friend guy, and my little beating heart is ready to jump all up in it. I think more-than-a-man-friend is feeling me too, but he's not all the way there yet on the relationship tip. In other words, he ain't relationship-ready. Whatever that means. Is that like being marathon-ready? Road-ready? Ever-ready? Do you put hours in at the gym to get your 'ready' status up?

Anyway. Man-friend broke it all down for me.

And being the loyal servant I am to you Brewchies, I thought I'd share it with you. Merry Christmas!

The Fantasy Football Theory
Man-friend tells me that every good team needs quarterbacks. Preferably, three of them. What makes women any different? We've got to stack our benches too.

Then he says, he's going to tell me the "most dude-ish" piece of dating advice when it comes to more-than-a-man-friend: "Keep him for the present time, but go on the lookout for a new guy. Don't CHEAT, but look for a new candidate."

I ask man-friend to expand on this morsel. He calls it the "QB Method." Meaning: keep three quarterbacks on the active roster (keep 3 men in your vicinity at all times).

Here's how it all shakes out:

1. QB #1 is your starter: the man you get down with! He's your Montana!
   
   
2. QB #2 is the reliable back-up: he knows about QB #1 and is ready to hop in the game at any moment and even has the chops to hang on the Super Bowl field. Keep this one around but don't cheat with him or you'll lose his respect. If QB #1 is sent away to do some Mike Vick kinda time, then elevate that #2 to his spot and keep it moving.
   
   
3. QB #3 the good back up: he wins some games and could develop his arm so to speak. But you keep him at a distance… like, waay at the end of the bench. Sure, you'd get with him. But don't tell him that. Just hang out with him casually.

So, here's where man-friend's theory starts to make my spideysense spin. He says start adding new ones to the roster when you need to (and definitely make cuts), but always make sure you've got three in the line-up, so when one doesn't act right, he gets axed.

Now, the bigger question is: where do you even meet all these viable quarterbacks in the first place?

Riddle me that, man-friend. Riddle me that!?!

It's sad that we have to even do this "dance" in the first place, really. It would be so much easier if we all wore shirts that said "I like peen" or "I enjoy vagicat," then you could just make your draft picks from there and skip all that getting to know you stuff. Why can't the world operate like my mind does?

Ah, one last piece of advice from the man-code breaker: men are simple! If dude has issues from the get-go, it doesn't look too good down the road.

Whew! This is way too much sports analogy for me to follow. Good thing football season is starting, huh?

Brew Dating Woes: "HEY, WHEN YOU GONNA COOK FOR ME?"

Listen here sir!

"HEY WHEN YOU GONNA COOK FOR ME?" Let's dissect this asinine question by saying , STOP ASKING THIS!!!! This does not equate to a date! Even if said young lady said she loves to cook, it is still not acceptable for you to mask your laminosity and lack of creativity by asking her to cook for you. "A date" my friend occurs outside her home and outside of your home, usually in a dining establishment of some sort or a picture show or whatever may tickle the young ladies fancy.

Oh and the jedi mind trick "man it's so good to find a woman who still loves to cook, didn't think there was any of those left". Hmmmm mmmm, right..... still not cooking for you Paco! ugh! Putting the obvious lameness of this aside it seems to me a no brainer to not request entry into a womans home upon first meeting her. It shouldn't even be in your head to request such nonsense!

So in answer to your question, "when am I cooking for you????"NEVER!!! or whenever I weigh 120lbs and have these 2 men fighting over me......



whichever comes first, until then DIE CHUMP!