Single Brewchies: Don't Fall for the "Let's Meet for a Drink" Trick.....

“Maybe we can hook up for a beverage” is what the text read. What it read to me was “I’m not sure if you’re gonna give me some booty-tang so I’m only willing to spring for a martini or two” well to you my cheap, cautious friend I say “EFF OFF!!!!!”. I am at my wits end with serial texters who think they can forge a relationship via their mobile carrier’s monthly text messaging allowance. But more important than that, I need to be fed! Preferably a meal with a healthy sized portion of meat, a generous serving of an indulgent carbohydrate and a vegetable to keep things moving smoothly as it exits my body.

You gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to fool my greedy ass with the ole “let’s meet for a drink” trick. I wish men would just come on out with it instead of the lame foolishness, something like “hi ma’am, I would love it if you would allow me entry into your love cave without so much as me buying you a tootsie roll let alone a steak, it would be so swell if you would allow me to do that”……. A beverage???? The nerve!

His text reminded me of a man I met a few months ago that thought it would be fun to go bowling, I agreed cause it was something different than having to sit through another movie and pretend I was seeing it for the first time even though it was like the 5th…… so anyhoo this lad comes to pick me up and I honestly couldn’t recall exactly what he looked like since I met him in the grocery store and when I’m around food I’m focused but I gave him my # so he would step off. Well let’s just say that what picked me up that evening was a frightful mess but hey, he was already there and I figured “eh! I’ll bowl, get a snack outta ole boy and never answer his calls again” no biggie right? So we go on the date, he’s funny enough so it makes me forget that he’s a certified eyesore and the evening comes to an end. Now notice I made no mention of a snack stop…… there was no snack and no mention was made of a snack so you know I was too through! Well it gets worse, he drops me back to my house and as I proceed to thank him and exit the car this dude leans in for a kiss and reaches in to fondle a tittyball!!!!!

EXCUSE ME SIR!!!! #1 you are very ugly! #2 EXCUSE ME SIR????!! #3 you are very ugly!!! #4 you did not buy me a snack!!! I DO NOT PLAY THAT!! You can call me a bitch, call my mama a Hunts Point hooker, even insult my grandma but you will not get away with not buying me a snack and then think you get to feel on my USDA titty meat! I DON’T THINK SO! To make matters worse, when I looked at him with horror at his failed attempt to fondulate me, his response was “but I thought we liked each other”, AS IF! In what country does the feeling that someone likes you equal “yeah let me see if I can get those tittyballs in my mouf real quick”???? YOU DID NOT BUY ME A SNACK!!!!

So suffice it to say this beverage texter doesn’t have a shot in hell……….