Things Negroes Like: Rant Edition

I’m all tapped out of topics for today’s Things Negroes Like. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have some topics for you, but all that took a backseat when I got into work today (yeah, I’m a Negro so I was late, sue me!) and a mountain of horseshit fell on me. So today’s TNL is about all of the things we don't like (well, actually, it’s about the stuff I don’t like, you just follow along).

BAD FOOD
First, I buy an egg & cheese sammich and a sweet tea on my way in because payday hasn’t rolled around just yet so I don’t have my usual plethora of groceries to snack on, but I do got a $20 bill (*bass drop… put ya hands up!*). So, I pull up to the drive-thru hoping for that sweet taste of bacon (you know how we do) but all the Negroes who were late like me were clogging the line. I proceeded to the next best thing and ordered myself pork-free breakfast. My first mistake. There was too much ice and not enough tea. Then, the sandwich tasted like soap. How does cheese taste like soap? Epic fail on that.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING ON MY PHONE
Then, as I’m driving in I get a call, on my personal cell no less, from an angry customer who wants to know why he didn’t get an e-mail from someone in another office. Dude, do I look like I know why someone else didn’t send you an e-mail? Am I that person? Are you saying all Negroes look alike? Do I control these here internetz and have mystical, mythical, Barack The Magic Negro powers to make e-mails appear and disappear? I think not! I can’t tell you why someone failed to e-mail you. Maybe he just doesn’t like your sorry ass. Or maybe that dude was on a much-needed vacation (you know, the kind I don't get) and didn’t feel the need to correspond with you.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING IN MY INBOX
I finally make it to my desk to check my e-mails and I’ve got messages on top of messages from my manager (I refuse to say “boss”… the Nat Turner in me will not allow it) who finally decided it was time to respond to stuff I asked about in June! How nice of you to follow up. But, don’t e-mail me about how to contact a supplier to set up a payment. How about YOU click their website and look for the CONTACT US button and then get to contactin’. Is it really that difficult or have I been sent here to drive the short bus?

Yeah, I know, I know, relax, relate, release, woosah and all that crap. Save it! Now where’s my purse strap? I’ve got some people to choke out.