Confessional Rant Tuesdays

Poor grammar drives me forking NUTS! If I read one more message board or forum, where some clown has illiterately declared: 'diz aint my thesus whysss cantz I spell da wayz I wantz to?!' My forking head will explode all over my forking laptop and quite frankly, it is not in my budget to replace my computer- homie-lover-friend. Oh and sweetie, we KNOW this is not your thesis. Clearly.

Do you know why we all speak the same standard language? So we all can effectively communicate! The proverbial man isn't trying to hold you down. He's trying to understand what the hell you are talking about. Now, isn't that even more imperative when READING is involved? Don't you want to get your point across succinctly and clearly; especially on the interwebs? Why is ok for people to think that you REALLY think that a 'Z' can replace an 'S', in a word? Grillz is not a word, son!

Don't even get me started on that bulljivington called 'Ebonics', it's called laziness. And it is nothing but an excuse to embrace illiteracy.

PS, I know it's a real chore to type a period, or hyphen or W.J.- Forbid a comma. I know baby....I know.. but remember punctuation is our friend...and sometimes lover.

P.P.S.-- Just for the record, I never once thought I was white because I speak clearly in full English.

*I beat you because I love you...

Brew Rant: Put Some Pants On!

That's it.  I have had it with these no-pants wearing chicks.  Ok, so it's one thing if you're a "performer" (emphasis on my finger quotes) and you're going for a "look" (the finger quotes just don't stop) on stage... but c'mon son, NO PANTS TO DINNER? 

Nicole Scherzinger's back up dancer Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton decided it would be a good idea to rock a leotard and no pants to dinner at Katsuya in LA Sunday night. She looks great...for a Gaga performance.  But dinner?  I am not trying to eat my sushi whilst looking at exposed fish.  Nuh uh.  Isn't that a health violation or something?

Photo: Imagevenue

Brew Fashion Rant: Pay Your Rent or Buy Jeans?

I don't know what designers are smoking on, but if I had $2,000, I surely wouldn't be buying no jeans! Ok, maybe like 10 years ago, the old me would have blown it on frivolous fashion. But the new me has responsibilities and shyt.

So, imagine my mouth-drop when I read that Swedish design house Acne has a pair of $2,000 jeans! The overpriced denim features some kinda Put A Ring On It-ish body armor. The silver patches were designed by London jewelry designer Husam El Odeh.

So, aside from like, RENT, what would you buy with 2-grand?

Brew Rant: Clincial Retards, Closer Than You May Think...

Seriously, when did stupidity become ok? When did it become cool to say shit like "Oh, I don't read!" or "Mannnnn, you go to work EARLY? Shooot I'M NEVER THERE ON TIME!" or my favorite.. "You crazy!!!'' followed by an uncomfortable too loud laugh, when you say something/anything clearly beyond the persons' comprehension.

Well this evening, I almost popped a gasket when my professor ...then the CLASS.. then ME, had to try to patiently explain the concept..no fuck that, the DEFINITION of a 3rd grade word, that she was erroneously using... to a grown ass woman.

Let me explain something to you clinically retarded (cousin to the clinical midget) bitches, WE HAVE A GOTDAMN BLACK PRESIDENT! If you haven't noticed. This does not mean that all you would-be rappers should try to figure out words to rhyme with Barack... like: "I reached for my glock, as I grab my cock, I cook in a wok, I rock around the clock, big ups Barack!" (yo...check out my flow!) That means step up your gotdamn game! Reach a little further than you have been reaching, you lazy fucktard! READ A BOOK, or at very least -know the meaning of the words you are using! Cause a bitch like me has had it up to here!! TELL 'EM KING!!

Pissed Brewchie, OUT!!!

Real Talk Thursdays: Don't Speak About It- Be About It! (And other things)

TELL 'EM WHY YOU MAD, SON!

• I hate mofos who always blather on about the same big time plans that they never seem to put into motion. Seriously, you're gonna buy a house in Ibiza, next week...every time I see you? Uh, okay- buy that Speedo and goooo! I mean for who's benefit are you telling these tales? People -scratch that, I don't care!
• The only person I'm I try to out-do is myself. Unless you are on some Oprah The Overlord Status or have a new pashmina with a nautical theme -trust me- you're dreams are not big enough for me to emulate or envy! Shouldn't we be reaching for the stars, not buying competing cars??
• I'm truly happy for good people who are doing well, and pissily perplexed by assholes who seem to prosper.
• The internets have created the worst kind of bitchass punk. The 'web truth teller' - I'm gonna smack the tar off of the next person that Tweets, or Facebook updates their intention to delete 'friends' and thumb typed thinly veiled insults.
• The only bamas worse than them are the ones that take a panel discussion on if they SHOULD delete friends... that's some childish 'ish, homes. Press the "X" and grow a pair. I won't notice though, cause I already deleted YOU.
• I will always RSVP no, to a wedding where I'm invited as a single guest at the age of 38- especially if the only people I know are IN the wedding. I'll totally send you a gift, but "Girl Bye!" with that adolescent shit. Treat your grownup single friends like grownups! With the divorce rate the way it is, come your friend's wedding, your ass will end up seated next to their just released from Riker's Raper-man cousin Rudy, at the rejects table! Karma's a bitch, homie.
• First and foremost if you ask me my opinion and I actually take the time to give you a reasonable reply, please don't spend the next 20 minutes telling me why I'm wrong. It's not that deep for me. What's it to me if you want to keep on wearing a Jheri Kurl? You're only effing up your own rabbit fur.

Brewchie, OUT!

Rant: Conflicting Emotions

Comcast you are a piece of chit, whenever there is something I REALLY want to see, you go all Black Screen on me. I will hold a grudge for your screwing me out of the Gossip Girl season finale, forever! (Though, good looking out for that time ESPN was out for weeks! ).

But, now I see how you spend your money, rather than on satellites that transmit my favorite shows at the times I want to watch them (you know- when they are actually ON)...you've invested in a full wall installation of Plasmas at your Headquarters lobby. And I'll admit these are cool as hell..so uh, thanks?

Things Negroes Like: Rant Edition

I’m all tapped out of topics for today’s Things Negroes Like. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do have some topics for you, but all that took a backseat when I got into work today (yeah, I’m a Negro so I was late, sue me!) and a mountain of horseshit fell on me. So today’s TNL is about all of the things we don't like (well, actually, it’s about the stuff I don’t like, you just follow along).

BAD FOOD
First, I buy an egg & cheese sammich and a sweet tea on my way in because payday hasn’t rolled around just yet so I don’t have my usual plethora of groceries to snack on, but I do got a $20 bill (*bass drop… put ya hands up!*). So, I pull up to the drive-thru hoping for that sweet taste of bacon (you know how we do) but all the Negroes who were late like me were clogging the line. I proceeded to the next best thing and ordered myself pork-free breakfast. My first mistake. There was too much ice and not enough tea. Then, the sandwich tasted like soap. How does cheese taste like soap? Epic fail on that.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING ON MY PHONE
Then, as I’m driving in I get a call, on my personal cell no less, from an angry customer who wants to know why he didn’t get an e-mail from someone in another office. Dude, do I look like I know why someone else didn’t send you an e-mail? Am I that person? Are you saying all Negroes look alike? Do I control these here internetz and have mystical, mythical, Barack The Magic Negro powers to make e-mails appear and disappear? I think not! I can’t tell you why someone failed to e-mail you. Maybe he just doesn’t like your sorry ass. Or maybe that dude was on a much-needed vacation (you know, the kind I don't get) and didn’t feel the need to correspond with you.

DUMB PEOPLE PLAYING IN MY INBOX
I finally make it to my desk to check my e-mails and I’ve got messages on top of messages from my manager (I refuse to say “boss”… the Nat Turner in me will not allow it) who finally decided it was time to respond to stuff I asked about in June! How nice of you to follow up. But, don’t e-mail me about how to contact a supplier to set up a payment. How about YOU click their website and look for the CONTACT US button and then get to contactin’. Is it really that difficult or have I been sent here to drive the short bus?

Yeah, I know, I know, relax, relate, release, woosah and all that crap. Save it! Now where’s my purse strap? I’ve got some people to choke out.

And Since We're Talking About Grooming: Sh!t That Pisses a B off...The Wednesday Edition

Dear Makeup Applying Bitch on my Daily Commute (yes that is really her):

If I have to watch you prime and Spackle that old wrinkly face ONE more day- I swear to White Jesus and all the Bi-racial Apostles, and Mexican Angels....I will slap you. I want to know how EVERRY morning your tacky ass is running so late, that you have to perform your grooming ritual EN ROUTE!? Get up 10 minutes earlier...orrrrr...here's a novel idea- WAIT TIL You get to the office.

You have no idea how close you are to a beat down. For my freedom...please, I implore you: GROOM AT HOME!

Note: To this heffa who is grooming her child on the bus, while wearing a head scarf- like they are at home... I hate you.

Say it with me people:

GROOMING IS FOR THE POOPER ROOM!

Sh!t That Pisses a B Off!!

Have you ever woken up so far on the wrong side of the bed, that you want to punch someone in the nose? Like ANYONE, unlucky enough to say your name...or breathe? It's like someone pissed all up in your cornflakes, and you did’nt even want no stinking cornflakes in the first place!? That’s how I feel this sunny --about to be 91 degrees, April morning. Maybe, I just need to do a little venting...

...Here’s a list of some shizz that’s been pissing a B. off:

Ignoramus’ that keep the 100% wool on their coats. All winter I would see you idiots out and about, touting your stance on your fabric of choice. What kind of a retard are you? SNIP THE LABEL off!! Do you think your coat was made at the HOUSE OF 100% WOOL?? Idiot. And now that it’s Spring-can you tap your friend and tell them to cut the little X of thread at the pleat or opening of their raincoat? White Jesus, says thank you. Man, you people are stooopid.

And also....Assholes who still the term ‘hating’ because their vocabulary is too stunted to think of any other word...lace yourself up with a thesaurus dim-wit. No one is “hating” on your cousin TayTay and her 5 bastard illegitimate chirrens with 6 different men, her ass don’t need to be in a club. Period. Ever. AND she’s a hoe! End of debate!

And.... you idiots who go online to staunchly defend the honor of your favorite celebu-tard. Do you get Beyonce Bucks to spend at House of Deron or something?

Mostly annoying...

The fact that I spent the better part of my Sunday afternoon wondering who RayFockingJ. was gonna choose.. "Skank or No-Skank the Vagisil Rumble in the Jungle", holding out slight hope for humanity, that a non-skank could possibly win in a reality tv ‘Skank-Off’....I’m such a patsy. In his words he could not go with non-skank because he felt he had to ‘step up his game’ to impress her and her family. GOD FORBID YOU TRY TO IMPRESS SOMEONE, RAYFOCKINGJ! Your stellar career as a songstress (that is not a typo) and porn boy, does NOT warm the hearts of mother’s everwhere?? Really?! REALLY?!

OverSharing is not Caring!

I have officially had it. In my not so short life time, I have been told in great nauseating detail of friends' maladies ,incontinence problems and cheating whorish ways. 'Friends' randomly seek me out for diagnosis of rashes and other nasties- Like I'm Dr. B. Medicine Bitch, not to mention the occasional and 'So, I was doing my boyfriend with a strap on....' confessions.

First of all, none of these bitches REALLY want the truth. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Yes, I think you are stupid, that shit looks nasty.. and YES- YOUR MAN IS A HOMOSEX!

I know that I am an open minded kinda gal, and NOTHING (sadly) shocks me anymore. And I love my friends to death, seriously. But for the love of Junebug, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!

I promise you, I will totally think we are friends, if you manage to keep some things private. I don't want to hear about your man's peen size or the fact that he had an accident in Boy Scouts and now has one ball. ENOUGH!!!!

Usually I take it in stride, but I have noticed a lot of these selfish broads barely ask how I'm doing, before they go into their DRAMA OF THE DAY.

So tell you what, go tell someone who gives a shit, Mother Confessor is off duty! And bitches, be a better friend to your sin- confessor. She knows ALLLLLLL your nasty business! Treat her to a Pinkberry or something. Damn.

Rant: Pull Up Your Effin Pants

Memo to all men: Pull Up Your Effin Pants!
I don’t want to see your drawz, even if they are Versace. I don’t even really need to see your belt actually. And I especially don’t want to see the useless belt if it’s hanging below your butt. You’re not in the penitentiary. Belt use is okay in the ‘outside world.’ So please get one.

I’m tired of riding the train and getting an eyeful of your ass.

I’m tired of going to the mall and seeing your booty peek out beneath your nightgown length tee shirt.

I’m tired of seeing your dirty boxers and your boxer briefs. We aren’t sexin’ so why would I need to know what color panties you have on today?

Please pull up your effin pants.

Did you ever think, maybe if you wore your pants closer to your waist where they’re supposed to go, that possibly, you’d qualify for a better job (or a job to begin with)? Or maybe the rest of the world would look at you with different eyes? But they won’t if you keep wearing pants that make you look like you’ve got a load of poop in your pants.

Please pull up your effin pants.

If the cops were to chase you (as I’m sure they sometimes do), you couldn’t run freely because A) your pants are around your knees and B) you’ve got to use one arm to hold your pants up while you run. Trust me, women do not think it’s cute when your ass shows. Leave something to the imagination. Even the President wants you to get some better fitting jeans.

"[B]rothers should pull up their pants," he declared. "You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What's wrong with that? Come on." "Some people might not want to see your underwear - I'm one of them," he added.

Now go pull up your effin pants!