John Edwards: You ARE The Father

From the duh, no shyt files:

Former presidential candidate John Edwards now admits he is the father of the seed his mistress birthed nearly 2 years ago. Edwards had long denied he fathered Frances Quinn (punk move). In a statement delivered by his lawyer (another punk move), Edwards admitted he lied. He's been visiting the child and paying child support for about a year. Word is Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, have separated but talk often.

Way to screw up your marriage and end what could have been a brilliant political career. Punk move! 

Source

American Idol Rigged? Noooooo...

From the duh files: Former American Idol contestant Ju'Not Joyner says the show is…wait for it…wait for it…rigged! Joyner dropped this lil tidbit during an online chat today. He said: "It's a fixed thing if I ever saw one."

Did it really take a rocket scientist to unearth this?

Joyner says he was viewed as a troublemaker behind the scenes this year because he questioned the contract all the contestants had to sign. He calls the contract a "slavetract." (Cute)

Joyner claims the honchos behind the scenes told him he wasn't going to ruin their show. He claims he was cut from the show and not invited back for the wild card sannng-off because of his beef with said slavetract. Joyner even called the whole lawyering process at Idol some bullshit Illado. He claims the Idol people hire lawyers for the contestants and then those lawyers negotiate the said slavetracts with the show's lawyers. Get it?

Joyner says he knows how the business works and he was asking questions to protect his interests while other contestants were just 'so happy to be here,' like Prince Akeem. I certainly can't fault the brother for watching his back!

Joyner says he also refused to let the show's producers play up his "from the hood" back story. Hol' up dude... aren't you from Bowie, MD? That's not really Southeast DC.

I'm just sayin…

Chopper Style

A Florida man called police and asked for an escort to see Lil Wayne in Miami.  20 yr. old Michael Kruse wanted the cops to escort him to see Wayne so he could get there quickly.  

He called 911 while he was on I-95.  Oh, but wait it gets worse... This fool asked for a HELICOPTER to take him to see Weezy.  My words don't even do this story justice.  You must listen to the audio.

The cops made Kruse pull over where he was immejitley escorted to jail...do not pass go!

And this isn't the first time this nimrod has been accused of misusing 911.  He also called 911 to complain of feeling sick, but later admitted he'd been smoking that Mary Jane.

I blame BET for this!

Genius Alert!

Rules of pimping...

• Don't get caught with your pants down


• Don’t snitch on yourself


• Don’t create a cover up when a well-placed lie will suffice


• And if all else fails: deny, deny, deny

Someone forgot to send South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford the pimpin’ handbook. This fool ducked out on his wife, his family, his staff and the entire state to be with his mistress in Buenos Aires. She must have the ill na-na.

The Republican admitted to having an affair with the Argentinian woman, whom he called a “dear, dear friend” that developed into something more (well, I’ll say). He had not been seen in public since June 18th and when asked about his whereabouts, his wife seemed rather nonchalant about her missing husband.

Insiders have reportedly known about the affair for 5 months. Sanford even tricked his staff into covering up the news of his absence by saying he was hiking the Appalachian Trail (uh, yeah, right). Sanford held a news conference today to come clean, apologize and beg like Keith Sweat for foregiveness. He also stepped down as head of the Republican Governors Association.

This guy was once being touted as a potential candidate for the White House. Guess that plan is awash.

When will these men learn not to think with their peens?

Mentirosa!

BREW UPDATE: Last week, we told you about the 18 year old who claimed a tattoo artist gave her 53 extra stars on her face, when she only wanted 3. Hold your breath... Turns out, Kimberly Vlaeminck was lying! Now exhale...

Young Kim now admits she did not fall asleep during the tattooing. She says she was wide awake and she, indeed, asked for 56 stars on her face.

Kim lied because her poppa was peeved when she got home and showed him her face.

Kim even tried to sue the tattoo artist to pay for removal of the tatts.

Tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz now says he will get written consent from clients before he starts needling their faces.

The real question here is, why would anyone let THIS man near their face?


Kimberly Vlaeminck... you are a MENTIROSA!

As Seen On TV

Have we gotten so fat and lazy as a country that we can’t even wipe our own asses? Check out this infomercial that’s trolling around the internet.




The Comfort Wipe lets you wipe your rear with, I guess, comfort. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been uncomfortable wiping mine. It’s sorta, a fact of life. You poop, you wipe. And if you’re Terrence Howard, you poop then baby wipe.

If you buy this marvel of patenting, you get a bonus deal, something called a “Get A Grip.” Wow! Do a Shamwow and a Snuggie come with it?

Now, I understand if you’re infirmed and you need some help reaching back there. But come on, you know as well as I, that some lazy mofo is ordering this in 3…2… because reaching around to his ass makes him sweat like Whitney Houston.

Here’s my question, what happens if you shart and you get some of the sticky green on the pole? You know there was always a little poop that could wind up on your hand.

I’m just sayin’…

Tatted Up

From the DUH FILES: A young woman in Belgium is suing her tattoo artist because she says he inked her face way too much. 18 year old Kimberly Vlaeminck claims she went to tattoo artist, Rouslan Toumaniantz , for three simple stars on the side of her face. Now, here’s where things get tricky. Young Kim claims she fell asleep while ole Rouslan was tatting her up. When she awoke from her NAP, she found he’d tattooed 56 stars on the side of her face.

Is anyone buying this?

Young Kim is now suing the tattoo artist for 10,000 Euros to pay for its removal. Toumaniantz says the girl asked for all 56 stars and that he’s got a witness to back him up. But, he says he’s willing to go half on the price for removing the tats because he doesn’t want to have an unhappy client.

Toumaniantz claims the girl only complained about the tattoo when she saw the reactions of her father and boyfriend who both looked at her like she’d been beaten with the dumb stick.

Vlaeminck blames a language barrier for the mix up. She says the tattoo dude didn’t understand her French and broken English.

Uh, why are you speaking French to a Romanian?

I give up!

Here's the story...it's not in English but it's just as dumb.

Too Late To Apologize

A former chair of the South Carolina Election Commission is eating his words. Rusty DePass posted a comment on Facebook that came just short of calling First Lady Michelle Obama a gorilla.

DePass was commenting on an article posted on Facebook about a gorilla that had escaped from a local zoo. He wrote, "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless." A political blogger went public with the comment. DePass has since deactivated his Facebook page and issued this half-assed apology, "I am as sorry as I can be if I offended anyone. The comment was clearly in jest."

DePass then tried to shift the blame to the First Lady, saying "The comment was hers, not mine." DePass claimed Mrs. Obama made a remark about humans descending from apes. But so far, no one has been able to attribute that comment to her.

Remember, South Carolina still flies the Confederate flag on the grounds of its statehouse. The NAACP has been boycotting the state for nearly nine years.

Food for thought.

Father Of The Year?

Meet Desmond Hatchett. This poor lost soul is 29 years old with 21 (yes, count them) 21 CHILDREN by at least 11 women. And you guessed it, he can’t support them all on his minimum wage salary.

In typical “what had happened was” fashion, the Tennessee man says he never meant to father all these babies. He says "it just happened." Uh, yeah, and it just happens that I like cake but I know when to push away from the table. Anywho, Hatchett claims all of the baby-mamas knew about his, well, situation. Take a look…



The kids range in age from newborn to 11. Legally, only 50% of his income may be used for child support. Now, I’m no math wiz, but that means by the time all his pesos are split among 21 children, some of these kids will only get about 2 bucks a month. I feel for you taxpayers in the Volunteer state (note to self: cancel that move to Memphis).

Does this dude have the Magic Stick? What is he telling these women? And shouldn’t his crotch be on fire by now?

I quit life. I have officially seen it all. Bury me face down with my iPod on so I don’t have to see or hear any more nonsense like this in the afterlife.

Good & Bad Hair?

Tyra schooled her audience in the ways of Black hair on her show Tuesday. Not that Model show, the other one, where she talks. Tyra lost the lace front and rocked her old school cornrows to prove her point. Sadly, the “good” and “bad” hair debate never gets old. Not when you have clueless sistas shaking their hair like they’re in a Pantene commercial, talking about their hair has “white girl flow”?!?

"White Girl Flow?"... I QUIT!

“African combs?”… I QUIT!

Is this chick really using slavery to justify her chemical process?

This is a national crisis people. Why isn’t Oprah doing a town-hall summit?

The beauty of Black women is that we have more options than any other women on the planet when it comes to our hair. Braid it, weave it... do whatever you need to achieve it. Just don't put down the next woman if she rocks her style different from yours. Unless, of course, her lace front is doing this!

Who You Foolin?

From the “duh” files…

Paula Abdul is finally telling the truth and admitting a longtime addiction to painkillers. She tells the Ladies' Home Journal that she kicked the habit last Thanksgiving.

Abdul says she was on the meds because of several injuries (including a plane crash) that left her in chronic pain.
Abdul will perform her new song "I'm Just Here for the Music" on American Idol tonight.

I don’t mean no harm, Paula, but who did you think you were foolin? We all saw this...

Social Commentary: Press Pause On No Homo

Why are some in our community so scurred of being perceived as gay that they have to go out of their way to stress how un-gay they are?

Case in point: the perpetual need to interrupt yourself and interject a “no homo” or a “pause” to indicate a statement you’ve said or are about to say does not mean you’re actually gay or have gay tendencies.

There’s even a blog for "monitoring" such events.  The “pause” phenomenon is so mainstream even sportscasters are doing it *insert pause here.*

We get it.  You’re straight.  And you want us to know you’re straight so badly that you think about your non-gayness all the time and have to include it, subtly, in your conversation. 

Enough!  Let’s press pause on this and get over yourself.  Is it really that serious?

Oprah Is Not Giving You Her Money

Beware! There’s an e-mail going around titled "Oprah Millionaire Contest Show." The message claims that you’ve been nominated to be on an Oprah episode during which a lucky audience member will receive a-milli. Then it asks the e-mail recipient for contact info.

The people chosen for the show are told they have to buy their own airline tickets to Chicago to appear on the program. See, now that would have been the first red flag to me, after years of hearing Oprah plug the Magnificent Mile and American Airlines. Ya’ll know she don’t make nobody fly on their own dime. Come on.

Anyway, the “chosen” are told to send the money for the travel and show tickets to the sender of the hoax e-mail.

The FBI says it’s a big ole scam. Now, did you really think Big O was just going to give out some money all willy-nilly?

Apparently, the sweepstakes scams are so prevalent, the folks at Oprah.com decided to devote a page to warning about them.

Put your thinking caps on folks while you’re in the Inbox… geez.

That’s Just My Baby Daddy

Levi Johnston is hitting the talk show circuit, trying to clear his, ahem, good name. He claims the family of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin have given him the side eye since his baby, Tripp, was born in December. Johnston hit Tyra Banks’ couch this week to stop the spread of vicious lies about him and his family. (Can you sense my empathy?) Take a look…







While it’s fun to crack a joke here and there about backwoods Alaska, the bigger issue here is the number of lives that have been affected by a Puritan, unrealistic approach to sex. Condoms are sold everywhere…hell, they’ve got pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store, you can probably get some low-rate Trojans there too. I’m all for abstaining, let’s face it, sex is great but that crap brings a whole load of problems and emotions if you do it before you’re ready. America needs to get real, no, scratch that, middle and right-wing America need to get real about sex. Buying your kid a purity ring does not make them remain pure. It’s jewelry. Period. Talking about sex won’t make your kids want to actually have sex. Chances are, they already want to have sex or at least exchange some freaky sex texases. Don’t put the fear of God in them, just be realistic. And remember, you were 16 once.

And P.S. Don’t tattoo your baby momma’s name on your finger. That never ends well!

Botox Budget

New York Reverend William Blasingame is accused of stealing nearly $85,000 from his church and spending it on Botox, plastic surgery and al-al-al-al-alcohol.

The 66 year old resigned from Staten Island’s St. Paul’s Memorial Episcopal Church but not before he reportedly took the money over a 3 year period.

That money was supposed to be used for church maintenance and to help members who’ve been hard hit by the economy.

Blasingame is due in court next month.

White Jesus would not approve.

From The “Duh!” Files

Long time Fox News columnist Roger Friedman is headed to the unemployment office after reviewing the new “X-Men Origins: Wolverine" flick. Sounds harmless, right? WRONG! The film isn’t set for release until May 1st, but that hasn’t stopped a leaked version from hitting these here Internetz.

Oh, but the story gets better. Friedman covered entertainment for FoxNews.com for a decade. Last week, he wrote that simply downloading the film was "so much easier than going out in the rain" and that the movie "exceeds expectations at every turn."

Duh! But, wait for it…wait for it!

“Wolverine” is a 20th Century Fox film. Fox News and 20th Century Fox are owned by Rupert Murdoch. Can you say dummy? Who writes about a leaked film from their OWN company?

Fox and Friedman reportedly "mutually agreed to part ways immediately."

20th Century Fox describes the film as a "stolen, incomplete and early version." They plan to prosecute the source of the leak (Hugh Jackman), if that person is ever found.

Photo: 20th Century Fox

My Fiance Is A Dumbass

So this dude saves his lunch money to buy a rock for his girl only to drop the thing off the Brooklyn Bridge. Dumbass! See, this is why all you need to do is take me to the Red Lobster for them cheddar biscuits and put the ring on the table. Don't fake the romance for my benefit when all I want is da-da-da rock anyway. Don't let him hold da baby!

What's In A Name?

The geniuses at the Sci Fi Channel announced today that they're flipping the script...sorta.

They're changing the name of the network to "Syfy." Huh? What?

The parent company of the channel, NBC Universal, said it can better market "Syfy" as a brand, rather than one known solely for science fiction programming. Uh, okay. Remember what happened when they changed Coke. I'm just sayin'....

Not So Special

Ouch, Barry O. Last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, President Obama made a not so special reference to the Special Olympics when asked about his record on the bowling alley. See this is why when folks ask you about your bowling inabilities, you should just lie and say you ripped that mofo out and put up a basketball court.

Peep my President on Leno talking about his tragic bowling attempts:



Of course, an apology was written before Air Force One gassed up...and I'm sure he's given a donation to his homies, the Shriver-Kennedys.

But oucha, Obama. Please don't try to fit your size 13s into your mouth again.

UPDATE: Here's what the Special Olympics organization had to say about the gaffe.

Rant: Pull Up Your Effin Pants

Memo to all men: Pull Up Your Effin Pants!
I don’t want to see your drawz, even if they are Versace. I don’t even really need to see your belt actually. And I especially don’t want to see the useless belt if it’s hanging below your butt. You’re not in the penitentiary. Belt use is okay in the ‘outside world.’ So please get one.

I’m tired of riding the train and getting an eyeful of your ass.

I’m tired of going to the mall and seeing your booty peek out beneath your nightgown length tee shirt.

I’m tired of seeing your dirty boxers and your boxer briefs. We aren’t sexin’ so why would I need to know what color panties you have on today?

Please pull up your effin pants.

Did you ever think, maybe if you wore your pants closer to your waist where they’re supposed to go, that possibly, you’d qualify for a better job (or a job to begin with)? Or maybe the rest of the world would look at you with different eyes? But they won’t if you keep wearing pants that make you look like you’ve got a load of poop in your pants.

Please pull up your effin pants.

If the cops were to chase you (as I’m sure they sometimes do), you couldn’t run freely because A) your pants are around your knees and B) you’ve got to use one arm to hold your pants up while you run. Trust me, women do not think it’s cute when your ass shows. Leave something to the imagination. Even the President wants you to get some better fitting jeans.

"[B]rothers should pull up their pants," he declared. "You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What's wrong with that? Come on." "Some people might not want to see your underwear - I'm one of them," he added.

Now go pull up your effin pants!