The Maury Files: Walk It Out

It's a shame when you need to go on the Maury Povich show to figure out just who sperminated you (I mean, shouldn't you like, keep notes, or mark it in your Blackberry when you have sex and with whom?  Or...perhaps just one of them condom thangs? #justsayin).  Anyway, watch as this baby mama gets the "proof" that this equally lame dude is da daddy.

Wow!  That kid has a stellar life ahead of him, eh?

Weezy: Are You The Father?

These here internetz are abuzz that Lil Wayne may not be the father of Lauren London’s baby after all. An artist by the name of Push Montana (*crickets chirping*) is said to have been Ms. London’s on again, off again jump off (is there a male equivalent?) for a few years. Supposedly, when this Push dude heard about the baby, he thought maybe he was the daddy.

But, New New is putting that isht to rest. She took to her Twitter page to proclaim Weezy F. Baby as her baby-daddy. Is Twitter the new CNN?

Meanwhile, YBF has what could be the most painful-looking pregnancy photo ever of Weezy’s other baby-mother. Ouch, Nivea!

Bring Your Baby To…Hooters?

…HOOTERS? Really?

Excuse me while I rub my eyes. I was trolling around on FB as I often do when I should be working on a project, when I came across this little golden nugget.

Some dad brought his kid to HOOTERS!



Yes, you know it's Hooters, as evidenced by the booty shorts and French Coffee pantyhose. I know they've got good wings and crab legs but come on.

The kid? At Hooters? Are babysitters that hard to come by these days?

Lord help us all.

©

That’s Just My Baby Daddy

Levi Johnston is hitting the talk show circuit, trying to clear his, ahem, good name. He claims the family of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin have given him the side eye since his baby, Tripp, was born in December. Johnston hit Tyra Banks’ couch this week to stop the spread of vicious lies about him and his family. (Can you sense my empathy?) Take a look…







While it’s fun to crack a joke here and there about backwoods Alaska, the bigger issue here is the number of lives that have been affected by a Puritan, unrealistic approach to sex. Condoms are sold everywhere…hell, they’ve got pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store, you can probably get some low-rate Trojans there too. I’m all for abstaining, let’s face it, sex is great but that crap brings a whole load of problems and emotions if you do it before you’re ready. America needs to get real, no, scratch that, middle and right-wing America need to get real about sex. Buying your kid a purity ring does not make them remain pure. It’s jewelry. Period. Talking about sex won’t make your kids want to actually have sex. Chances are, they already want to have sex or at least exchange some freaky sex texases. Don’t put the fear of God in them, just be realistic. And remember, you were 16 once.

And P.S. Don’t tattoo your baby momma’s name on your finger. That never ends well!

Wrap It Up

This New York Times headline says it all: With Nine Mouths to Feed, Travis Henry Says He’s Broke

Former NFL running back Travis Henry has NINE kids by NINE women. Yes, let me say it again: NINE by NINE! The brood range in age from 3 to 11. Henry's child support is estimated at $170,000 a year! And this dude is only 30. To top it off, Henry is now under house arrest for cocaine trafficking. But that's another story.

Henry says many of the women claimed to be using birth control so he stopped using condoms and let his willy roam free. Then, oops, they turned up pregnant. This cat must have that kryptonite sperm.

When asked why he kept repeating the same stupid behavior, here's Free Willy's response:

“Knock on wood, or something, I’m blessed not to have AIDS. That never crossed my mind.”

Lawdamercy. I can't take it.

Henry is currently engaged...but he and the fiancée have no plans of procreating. Thank God!

The lesson for today: condoms will always be in fashion.
Please wrap your shit up!

(Photo by: David Duprey/Associated Press)

They're Negro...

So, the census data for the African American population is roughly 13%....

Not anymore, the alleged daddy of Nadya Suleman's 14 children is Denis Beaudoin, a biracial man who says he could be the biological father of Nadya Suleman's octuplets. Denis said he donated his sperm to her three times without asking questions because he was young and in love. He appeared in an exclusive interview with ABC News/Good Morning America Co-Host Chris Cuomo yesterday to discuss the possibility that he is indeed the father of Suleman's children.

Donated sperm or did the do? I'm unclear.

What I do know is that Denis is a black man and by all accounts, that makes those babies black too...

Alex Haley is turning in his grave.