The Maury Files: Walk It Out

It's a shame when you need to go on the Maury Povich show to figure out just who sperminated you (I mean, shouldn't you like, keep notes, or mark it in your Blackberry when you have sex and with whom?  Or...perhaps just one of them condom thangs? #justsayin).  Anyway, watch as this baby mama gets the "proof" that this equally lame dude is da daddy.

Wow!  That kid has a stellar life ahead of him, eh?

John Edwards: You ARE The Father

Somebody get Maury on the phone, stat! Disgraced former North Carolina Senator John Edwards is reportedly finna admit he is the father of Rielle Hunter's daughter. Reports surfaced last week that a DNA test proved the former presidential candidate is indeed the daddy of 18 month old Frances Quinn Hunter. Edwards confessed last summer that Hunter was his lover, but said the kid is not his daughter (*shout out to the King of Pop*). Hunter was a filmmaker on Edwards' 2008 campaign.

You may recall a long time aide to Edwards claimed he was the daddy, but then he vanished. That aide is reportedly penning a book now where he plans to snitch all Edwards' business.

Making matters worse, a grand jury is now looking into whether Edwards' campaign funds were used to pay Hunter to keep her hushed about the affair.

Tsk, tsk little Johnny.

The Maury Files: Prince and Paris

When I saw this recent picture of Michael Jackson's children, I spit out my green tea, grabbed the computer and held it 2 inches in front of my eyes. No way these babies are biologically Mike's!! The tween mullet, the icy eyes, the itty bitty nostrils! Methinks MJ's made some type of back alley deal with their mother. I bet he traded Bubbles the chimp and the Elephant Man's skeleton for the babies, a diaper genie and some Similac. I just don't see ANY resemblance. I know Mikey didn't do the nasty with their mommy even after a case of Jesus juice. They're giving me that fierce Children of the Corn steze which is making me feel some kind of way right now. STOP LOOKING AT ME LITTLE GIRL! I can't help you. Run to the light...Maury? We need you stat!