Brew PSA: Just Because It Comes In Your Size.....

Heidey Ho, Brewchies!

I'd like to talk to you about a serious matter infecting your Nation's Capitol, and quite possibly your town. Summer seems to bring out the worst outbreaks of this syndrome.

So please use caution, while shopping your local strip mall.

In fact avoiding the local strip mall, and going into a more upscale retailer, may help you avoid these symptoms entirely!

STANK A DANK SKANK SYNDROME!

Could this be you?

THE SYMPTOMS

• MMMM SOUFFLE: Do you shop for items based only on their Lycra count, not the actual size on the waist band? Does your muffin top resemble a delicious lumpy bumpy souffle, because your pants are too damn small and your shirt too damn tight?
  
• MISUSE OF HOISTING APPARATUS: When you wear a belt does it look like the equator on one of those giant library globes?

• AN EMU IS ANOTHER FEATHERED BIRD THAT DOESN'T FLY: Do you have wings behind you, that you show off via with flagrant misuse of halter?

• BREAKSTONE DISEASE: Do you wear short shorts regardless of the laws of physics and all that is decent? Do sparks shoot out from the friction of your meaty thighs? Try a knee length short, and avoid a forest fire, Paco!
  

• Are You Mariah Carey?: If you wore the item in highschool and you graduated 20 years ago...THROW THE DAMN ITEM AWAY. I don't care if you can 'fit into it' or not. Class it up, oldie!

If you answer yes to one or more of these symptoms, you may be affected by this disease. But there is hope. With just 2 more inches of clothing, and a mirror check before you leave the house, making sure that the world doesn't see more of your cooch than your GYN, you'll be on your way to healing!

(I will continue to say this til someone takes my keyboard.. WEAR YOUR MICKEY FICKEY SIZE AND COVER YOUR GOTDAMN CHEESE! THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!)

P.S. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. STOP BUYING THE CHEAP KIND THAT SHOW OFF THE ROCKS IN YOUR POCKETS!

*I beat you because I love you

Overpriced “Luxury”: Balmain’s Ripped Tee

The company that brought us Beyonce and Rihanna’s military-inspired shoulder pad-having jackets and Pink’s & Shakira’s MTV red carpet oh no she isn’t wearing my dress moment… is now giving us a serious piece of overpriced “luxury.”

Balmain’s olive green distressed cotton shirt is nothing more than a ripped tee shirt.

They describe it as a “statement staple with cargo pants and ankle boots for a luxe spin on utility chic.” And, they want you to pay $1,625 for it.

Who has fallen and bumped their heads?

Breaking Brew: Designer Alexander McQueen Dies

British fashion guru Alexander McQueen has been found dead in his London home. He was 40 years old. His death comes just days before London's fashion week was due to start. No word on the cause.

UPDATE: The NY Times reports the cause of McQueen's death was apparently suicide, although his family has not made an official statement yet.

Lately, McQueen's designs have been seen on Lady Gaga (she wore his armadillo heels in the Bad Romance video) and Kelis (she wore the same shoes... but in a tragic way).

Certainly, he'll be remembered for the timeless fashion he produced. Here's a look at some of his best frocks (via Entertainment Tonight).

Copyright 2010 Jason Merritt / Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

 
Source

What's Brewing?: Pre-Grammy Roundup

What's the point in posting everyone else's pics and pics we've got no plans to pay for? So here's a little pre-Grammy roundup fo' ya.

And by the way, catch our live-blog of the Grammy's tonight. We'll set it off at 8 pm (ET).  Come here to the Brew and check it out.

Here's What's Brewing...

Only Rihanna could pull off this Viktor & Rolf look - That Grape Juice

Thankfully, no one caught a beatdown this year after Clive Davis' Grammy party (well, for Kendu's sake, we hope that's the case) - Concrete Loop 

2010 Grammy predictions - Rap-up

Mah boo & Roberta Flack to duet @ the Grammys - 411mania

MJ's kids will honor the King of Pop @ the Grammys - CNN

Grammy fashion fails - PopEater

Cover Your Cameltoe In Denim

That Coco sure knows how to stay relevant.  Now, Mrs. Ice-T is hoping to swaddle your butt cheeks in her WalMart-lookin' new jean line, Licious.

Coco gave a lil sneak peek on her Twit for Twat page (@cocosworld). She says the line is "made for the curvy women. Its got so much stretch" (she forgot the apostrophe, I didn't... justsayin!).

So, ladies, would you rock it?

WTF Files: Shaq Wears Luggage

Only Shaq has the free time, sense of humor and -I might add- the cash stash to get a custom Louis Vuitton blazer and tweet about it.

Shaq posted this Twitpic with the caption "Why carry luggage, when u can be the luggage. It is eye, big luggage man" over the weekend.  Style jury, what sayeth you?

Tacky Halloween Costumes

Caption it yourselves… I give up!

Squirrel Boy

Octomom

Dollman

Can of Whup Ass

Low budget Wolverine

Taste The Brew for the rest of the gallery.
Read more »

Follow Up: French Vogue Does Blackface

CNN has jumped on the "WTF blackface?" bandwagon.  We told you about the images from French Vogue that featured a white model in blackface.  Now, word is the editor of French Vogue and the American-born photographer had no idea the images were offensive.  *crickets chirping*

Here's CNN's take on the controversy...

Fashion Tragedy: Busta Rhymes

Uh, no sir.  Busta, who is your tailor?  Canal Street Sam?  Where do you even buy this knockoff Louis Vuitton fabric?  So many questions.  Not enough time.

BET Hip Hop Awards - October 2009

Rock The Bells - July 2009

FAIL!

Brew News: Can That Purse Kill You?

Read this before you go cop that new Fall handbag…

Consumer Affairs reports high levels of lead were found in more than 75% of the plastic women's handbags tested by HealthyStuff.org. 64% of the bags tested contained lead levels over 300 parts per million (ppm). More than half had lead greater than 1000 ppm. An orange bag made by Guess had 2581 ppm of lead on the outside of the bag. Another orange handbag made by Nine West had a lead level of 5718 ppm. What is it with these orange bags? And, a green Candies' clutch had 732 ppm of lead AND 88 ppm of friggin' arsenic. ARSENIC, people!

Does this mean we should stick to buying those Canal St. knockoffs?

Brew Fashion: She by Sheree- With Fashions, still dreadful

Well, She(male) by Sheree finally reared its head to the World!

Let's review: Exposed titty meat? Check! Dead animals. Check! Other than that looks like Ann Taylor to me. *shrug*

The good news is it IS a thousand times better than than

'Ruffles and Cheap Fabric Freak' by Lisa Wu.

So kudos to you!

Pics courtesy YBF and Bravo Fan.
Of course you cannot see these 'fashions' at the She by Sheree website, because there is nothing there. Seriously, what does she do all day that she can't build her own website?

Brew Bits: Good News Bad News

Hey there Chrissy M., I see you're out on the town at the Latino Film Festival, guess that's the closest you'll get to a 'film' ("Bring it On Some More, B'okay'' is not a film). Anywhoo, the good news is your hair is looking a LOT more healthy, and dare I say-- I see actual sheen?!

The bad news...someone sold you a bootleg Hello Kitty formal dress- oh and you're still engaged to Teddy Ruxpin. So yea.. it's mostly bad news. Okay then. Smooches!

Fashion Forward: Zippers?

We at the Brew hear the sounds of zippers coming down and it's not 1 o'clock in the morning after a night of partaying with these pillow droolers. Zippers are everywhere for fall fashion: shirts, shoes, dresses, purses. One thing I hate about trends like these is that I start out liking it but by the time Wet Seal, Rave and even Mom Pants King Kohl's gets their hands on it, it's garbage, so I usually say, "to the left, to the left".

What's the verdict?

Brew Bits: Quest for Relevancy Collection

'Singer' Ciara sports the- not yet in stores- Quest for Relevancy Holiday Jumpsuit. Half napkin, half onesie, all ugly. She accessorizes with Carol Brady wig and what appears to be new boobies. No word yet on those vocal lessons, she needs to be taking.

Brew Men: Would You Wear This?

Fresh over in Crunkland caught this pic of Queen James in a Carlton Banks sweater and some Capri pants.

Now, I ask you Brew gents, is LeBron simply fashion forward? Or is this getup something you wouldn't be caught dead in?

Discuss…

Intervention Candidate #532: Rethie Franklin

Um, er, no!!!! This is unacceptable on so many levels. Why does Aretha Franklin feed the need to let her mammoth mammary glands out at every birthday, NAACP anniversary, funeral, etc.? Do they need air? Are they trying to head south of the border? Are they trying to get a little play from her knees? She appeared this weekend at a birthday celebration for Nelson Mandela who probably spent his 27 year prison sentence underneath her right tit! These "tig oles" need to be kept in a bra and under wraps at all times. Talk about village feeders. Re Re you're too good for this Brewshyt! For more pictures of Rethie's at the partay, head over to Ybf.com.

Fashion Tragedy: Vanessa Bryant

Um, err, ah, Kobe, oh Kobe. A man as rich as you should really be able to get the wife an outfit that holds her bosom area in place.

Did Vanessa get this jumpsuit from the sale rack at Rave? *yes, my friends, it is a jumpsuit*

Does it belong to one of their daughters?

This right here is just a shame. And on the ESPY red carpet no less? 'Nessa! Come on. Trade that $4 million "I'm sorry I touched that girl" ring in and get you some couture girl.

Corporate Sag

And now for reason #3,425,096 of why we cannot rise as a people...

I present to you the latest fashion "trend" to emerge from 'The Lou: Bagg'ns jeans.

In case you didn't have enough trouble with those jeans that slouch and show your underpannies, these here Bagg'ns come with a double waistband so you can give the illusion of slouch without the actual drawz and crack-showing that's bound to happen with typical slouchy pants. Plus, these are "corporate" friendly because you can actually wear a belt or two! Barack Obama would be so proud.

And ladies, don't feel left out, they make them for you too! The Bagg'ns can be all yours for the recession-friendly price of 56 bucks. And for your internetz wiz kids, they take PayPal too! I tell ya...the sheer genius of my people frightens me.

Health: Thicka Than A Snicka

Did you know that clothing companies are making their fashions bigger to accommodate America’s growing waistline, but they aren’t changing the sizes of the clothes?

You can be a size 14, but if you go to the right store, you’ll be led to believe you’re actually a size 10. Experts say that’s making more people accepting of being overweight and believing that having a little too much meat on their bones is normal.

And as those clothing sizes scale down, food portions are going up. The percentage of adults classified as obese jumped in 23 states in the last year alone. Doctors say feeling normal but actually being overweight may keep you out of the gym because you won’t be motivated to lose the weight.

Now, I love to get down on those pretty wangs as much as the next gal, you can fry 'em, jerk 'em, curry 'em or bake 'em... but know when to say when! You can't fool me. I know my 14 hips are not squeezing in no 10s. If you fall for that, I've got a bridge to sell you!

It’s time to push away from the table and get to movin’ America!

Brewmail: Gladiator Sandals

Dear Witches,

I have to talk about something that bothers me to my core. So without further ado, let me tell you why I'm mad son!

Ladies, I'm talking about these ugly a$ jesus sandals ya'll have been rockin the past couple of summers....WTF!!!!! I don't know what they're called, but ya'll know good and gotdam well what I'm talking about. These have got to be the worst pair of shoes that ya'll started wearing since those karate shoes ya'll was wearing back in the late 90's and early 2000. I don't get much into women's fashion because 90% of the time ya'll are looking great....but these shoes just kill the appeal for the fellas.

Fellas, have you ever seen a dime youngin with their hair looking good, nice looking dress or short outfit (sexy a$ legs exposed), toes done up nicely, with some F*CKIN gladiator shoes on?!?!?! This shyt immediately drops them to a 5...I'm sorry! Not only does this look tacky, but it does nothing for your booty....which is what some fellas look at first anyway. These shoes actually make your a$ look worse. Buffy would have a flat a$ in the gladiator shoes. When I see shyt like this, I just want to toss a broad a sword. I don't care how comfy these shoes may be, the SHYT AINT CUTE BOO BOO!!

Personally ladies, I like it when you wear heels. But I do understand you want to be comfortable sometimes, but can't you just throw on some tennis shoes or some other kind of flat shoes??? Them shyts right there are not working. Then some of ya'll have the nerve to get the ones that wrap all the way up your leg; or you decide to get fancy with it and get some patent leather bullshyts. I don't care how you try to dress these shoes up, there is no occasion where you can wear these shoes, unless you plan to fight someone in a sand pit.

I'll be honest, I'm no kind of fashion genius or anything. I can't spot a fake purse or some knock off sunglasses. BUT I do know when you're wearing a weave, and I damn sure know those Julius Caesar shoes gotta go!!

OUT

Thanks for the email. I personally own a similar style but they have a heel because I just can't feel my swagger in flats...what do you think?