Think You Might Be a Douchebag??? Facebook Will Let You Know.........

Facebook, facebook,facebook, great tool isn’t it? It’s like the super quick, easy way to stay connected to your homies without having to actually reach out to each and every one of them individually, who the hell has time for that anyway right? But as much as we love Facebook , it can certainly be a tool of destruction when used as such. It’s what I like to call ‘facebook shade”. With facebook, the he said, she said gossip that used to wreck havoc on many a friendship is now out the door, now you can get your feelings all hurt up electronically, via the innawebs, and there’s no better way to shut a mofo down whether blatant or subliminal than via Facebook. As a person who reads emails with the senders tone in mind ( I can see eye rolling and neck snapping in emails, fa real! I really can!) , I pretty much consider myself an expert at deciphering innaweb shade.

Some ways to know you are not well liked in your cipher include but are not limited to the following:

You post pictures of your baby……… no one comments

You post pictures of your wedding……… no one comments

You post bikini pics………… no one comments

You log on after a holiday weekend, like let’s say after Memorial Day and see that all your core friends are posting pics and tagging each other in pics from their weekend in Cancun……….. sucks to be you

People always forget to tag you in pics………

You use facebook to invite everyone to your graduation……….. the only ‘yes’ is from the produce dude from your neighborhood grocery store…….. ouch!

Your friends use your most intimate secrets as status updates, “Monique Wilson wishes her friend would use more discretion and stop sleeping with every loser that crosses her path, or at least clear up that lice problem first, what a hoebag!” ……….. damn!

No one ever comments on your status updates, straight crickets……….. Every time

You call your friends and instead of them calling you back ,they respond on your wall, “hey you called me last month? What up?!”………… yikes!

None of your high school friends will accept your friend requests, not even the girl who used to stick her finger in her booty and smell it afterward.......

You find out all your friends major life happenings via facebook pics from events that you sooooo never got invited to

These are just a few, I’m sure everyone has their own. If any of these have happened to you, it’s all good! They happen to all of us, Facebook shade is real people, protect ya neck!

Brew PSA: Just Because It Comes In Your Size.....

Heidey Ho, Brewchies!

I'd like to talk to you about a serious matter infecting your Nation's Capitol, and quite possibly your town. Summer seems to bring out the worst outbreaks of this syndrome.

So please use caution, while shopping your local strip mall.

In fact avoiding the local strip mall, and going into a more upscale retailer, may help you avoid these symptoms entirely!

STANK A DANK SKANK SYNDROME!

Could this be you?

THE SYMPTOMS

• MMMM SOUFFLE: Do you shop for items based only on their Lycra count, not the actual size on the waist band? Does your muffin top resemble a delicious lumpy bumpy souffle, because your pants are too damn small and your shirt too damn tight?
  
• MISUSE OF HOISTING APPARATUS: When you wear a belt does it look like the equator on one of those giant library globes?

• AN EMU IS ANOTHER FEATHERED BIRD THAT DOESN'T FLY: Do you have wings behind you, that you show off via with flagrant misuse of halter?

• BREAKSTONE DISEASE: Do you wear short shorts regardless of the laws of physics and all that is decent? Do sparks shoot out from the friction of your meaty thighs? Try a knee length short, and avoid a forest fire, Paco!
  

• Are You Mariah Carey?: If you wore the item in highschool and you graduated 20 years ago...THROW THE DAMN ITEM AWAY. I don't care if you can 'fit into it' or not. Class it up, oldie!

If you answer yes to one or more of these symptoms, you may be affected by this disease. But there is hope. With just 2 more inches of clothing, and a mirror check before you leave the house, making sure that the world doesn't see more of your cooch than your GYN, you'll be on your way to healing!

(I will continue to say this til someone takes my keyboard.. WEAR YOUR MICKEY FICKEY SIZE AND COVER YOUR GOTDAMN CHEESE! THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!)

P.S. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. STOP BUYING THE CHEAP KIND THAT SHOW OFF THE ROCKS IN YOUR POCKETS!

*I beat you because I love you

Brew Commentary: How To Lose A Girl in 10 Days....

Despite what many of you testosterone horders think, The Witches love you like cooked food. So we decided to compile a list of irritating offenses men tend to do and may not know it. Don't worry, you can thank us later.
So let's get it:

1) Men who refer to themselves in the third person: This just sounds weird and unless you're quoting Shakespeare, stop it, stat!

2) Men who feel they don't need anyone to succeed: We like it when your pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, but acting like you can do it all alone and not giving any props to the great trailblazers who laid  the path you now walk your Prada loafers on? C'mon Son!

3) Men who namedrop: So what you had launch with Tyler Perry's ball tickler. So what Columbus Short is your third cousin, twice removed. Scrub move. That is all.

4) Men who think Subway is a meal: This is a place where you grab a sandwhich after leaving the barber shop. I don't need that weird tasting bread from you. Ever!

5) Men who think a "date" is to lay up in your house and eat YOUR food: This is self-explanatory. Right Kendu?

6) Men who think an "outing" is to come over and watch his DVD (foo', buy me a movie ticket): See #5

7) Men who "cook" for you to avoid taking you to dinner (and by "cook," I mean on the George Foreman grill): The gesture is nice, I guess, but my insides are now doing the Cha-Cha slide from your runny burger. Food Fail!
 

So Brewchies, what else bothers you about our male friends? The Witches' are listening...

Brew Commentary: An Open Letter To Black America

Remember when some thought Kevin Powell was simply the “angry” black guy from The Real World? Well, he’s still angry!  Kevin wrote an open letter to black America in the April issue of Ebony magazine.  Unfortunately, with the news that Ebony’s readership is dwindling, I’m not sure how many who need to read it actually will.  So, we’re posting it here as well.  Feel free to leave a comment behind, and share this with those who need to read it.

Open Letter To Black America

By Kevin Powell

DEAR BLACK AMERICA:

This 42nd anniversary of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is an opportune moment to reflect on how far we've come, and how far we have to go. It calls us to reconsider the words Dr. King gave us at the end of his life, when he said that we need "a radical revolution of values." Certainly, we have much to be proud of. There is the first Black president. There are more Black elected officials, more Blacks in corporate America, the media, and in very real power positions, like Oprah Winfrey, Richard Parsons, Donna Brazile, and Jay-Z.

But, if we are to be brutally honest with ourselves, we've also got to acknowledge that things have not been right for some time. The civil rights era concept that our leaders would deliver us into the promised land has devolved into the idea that all we need to do is show up and follow. We have lost the sense of individual responsibility toward collective change.

Think back to the days immediately after slavery, when it was clear that Blacks wanted two things: education and land. In spite of vicious White terrorism, we plodded forward. There was hope, and a vocabulary of purpose. These values emboldened us during the Civil Rights Movement. And they were re-born during the 2008 presidential campaign. Yet, unlike before, many of us have failed to embrace the miraculous kind of self and community transformation that led us to walk, literally, into the teeth of barking dogs, water hoses, and police brutality, mainly because we refused to let anyone turn us around.

Taste The Brew to continue reading...

Read more »

Brew Commentary: The Bait & Switch

I was in Zumba class the other day and I noticed there were more guys in the class then usual which was cool because I like to pretend I'm shaking it for show anyway. These dudes were kind of cute which was a bonus but then I noticed that they weren't paying attention to my Sasha Fierce routine. So I danced and shook harder but they still ignored me. Then I slowly noticed between the sweat beads in my eyes that they were looking and smiling at each other a little too much for my taste. Oy vey! They were gay! Now, we Witches love the "kids" BUT I feel like super fine gay men have no business being near where I want to do business. They're like that pair of Louboutins that I can't afford; beautiful and off limits. Now we know there's already a limited supply of straight black men, so why throw some decoys up in the mix?  Stop being so cute!

BFF Code 563449: Gettin With Your Girl's Ex

What's the concensus on this? Is this cool? Like let's say your best friend was with dude like 10-15 years ago and now 20 years later you run into him, ya'll chit chat and catch up and you notice him giving you that eye like "damn Imma see can I feel shortie up real quick". In your head you're thinking "nah I'm buggin, girl quit thinking everyone wants you........ not that they don't cause you are fine! but nah girl, you buggin!" And then he says " Soooo, what chu bout to get into? wanna go grab a bite to eat" ( who told this dude the magic words to my heart?) So you figure it's innocent enough and ya'll go get some grub. Now you fully expect him to beat you over the head with questions about your best friend but 2 hours into the meal you realize he hasn't mentioned her once..... hmmmm?

Then you start tilting your head from side to side and notice that he's pretty damn yummy looking and while you take this vision of manliness in you are rewinding your mental tape deck trying to remember what he did to your homie to cause the split, did she catch him in her pannies? Did he have a small peen? Did he smell like goat cheese?  What the hell was it???? Cause as far as you can see he's looking like a steak and you are the A-1 sauce ready to pour yourself all over him...

So dinner concludes and ya'll exchange #'s, he ends all speculation by saying "look I'm feeling you, I definitely wanna spend more time with you" BAM!!! You get in your car, he gets in his but you are feeling all high and happy like a giddy lil teenager.

Then as you're driving home you start to ponder the wrongness of what just happened or wonder if it's even wrong at all. I mean were talking 20 years ago right? Surely she's over this cat or are all men that your friends used to date or even just liked (even if they didn't like your friend back) off limits??? Is this breaking a major BFF code if you move forward with the dude????

"EXCUSE ME, WHAT CHU SAY?!!!"

Ok, so let’s say you know this person right? Not someone you would consider a friend but not someone you would push in front of a bus either. Just a seemingly decent person who you converse with from time to time. This person is also part of a minority group and you are African-American. So let’s say you and this fellow minority are kicking it on some chill out ish and then this kinda convo goes down:

Fellow Minority: “Ugh, girl my feet are killing me!”

Darkie: “I feel you, mine too”

Fellow Minority: “Between my feet and me being annoyed with my man I’m ready to explode!!”

Darkie: " Why? What’s up?”

Fellow Minority: “nah nothing, just the regular ish these niggas put us through….”

*RECORD SCRATCH*

Excuse me ma’am!!!??? Now I don’t jump out there and put ole girl in her place cause it doesn’t necessarily offend me to the point where I feel I need to lather on the vaseline and take my earrings off but I do give her the illest screw face ever, like on some NAS Illmatic type ish. In all honesty if one of my black friends said the same exact thing it probably wouldn’t have even registered. I should add that this person primarily deals with black peen, this is her preference, but the “N” bomb, really ma’am???

I guess it’s like when J. Lo said “Niggas blah blah blah” (don’t know the rest cause I don’t listen to her, I only look) in that “I’m Real” video with Ja-Rule and most people said it was all good cause she’s latina and we are kinda one in the same. Or how people are okay with Fat Joe saying it, cause again, black/latino = same thing. Or does it? With me this is not so much an issue over the word cause quite frankly none of us should be using it but we do and probably always will but does that fact make it right for someone outside our culture to use it just cause she’s a black peen aficionado????

In that moment I felt no, no she doesn’t have a right to, am I wrong???


Jennifer Lopez - I'm Real (Official Music Video) - Watch the top videos of the week here

Brew Commentary: The Cookout

We Witches have already admitted to profiling people with ignant negrid names, but this Witch has another confession; I profile families as well. Case in point, I was dating this dude last summer when he invited me to stop by his family’s cookout. When I pulled up, I had to look twice because I had stepped squarely into a real life stereotype!

I could not believe these people were related to my guy who was Joe Biden clean and articulate and in great shape. Not the case with his cousins. They were meaty (and I don’t mean what was on the grill) and sweaty to say the least. I counted five apparent street pharmacists, 3 pregnant girls under the age of 17 and a big Madea looking matriarch who keep asking people to donate to her “bingo fund”. WTF?!?

I spent most of that afternoon wincing at the excessive use of slang and double negatives, while watching his family shovel burnt barbeque and Sam’s Club cupcakes down their pie holes. After promising his 50-year-old cousin that there is life outside of his mama’s basement, I slowly surveyed this corrupt gene pool and silently wondered if I stayed with this guy would this Adams Family ruin our wedding day or teach our children how to do ‘hood rat stuff’? Now, I am by no means bougie. I grew up around all types of people and I have a few characters in my family, but when the scale tips more toward the crazy one has to wonder. I eventually ended things with this guy, not entirely for that reason, but I have to be honest when I saw his family did come into play. I know you don’t marry the relatives, but I have to believe that ‘the apple doesn’t far fall from the tree’ is a saying for a reason. Am I wrong?

Brew Commentary: Friends or Faux?

Most of us love our girls more than our men, but are you a true friend? We’ve all taken those Facebook “Which Girlfriend Are You?” polls hoping the results say we’re Joan Clayton and not Toni Childs! The truth is though there’s a little Toni Childs in all of us. Don’t agree? Well, do you pull your girl’s coat when she’s sounding a bit “extreme” about her latest plot against her unfaithful ex? Or, do you encourage her to play herself then volunteer to accompany her to do hood rat stuff? Do you suggest she eases up on the Mac forcefield face and Wet Seal wonder outfit that’s too tight, too shiny and too young? Or, do you smile, stay quiet and let her party looking like a Fashion Fair fool? Do you tell your friend when her hair is mess? Or, as long as your hair do is tight you keep mum? There are many layers to friendships; acquaintances, homies, going out girls, besties, but I can’t help but feel that as we grow older all of these purposes should be served by just one good sistahgirl, even if she needs a little guidance and tough love sometimes!

Brew Commentary: Rich Today, Cash4Gold Tomorrow

This “I’m rich and let me show you just how many idiotic ways I can wear diamonds” shizz is getting out of hand. From Big Ass Chains to diamond-encrusted teeth, we are really showing how ignorant we can be when you stuff a few pesos in our bank accounts. In the latest news from the “They Shoulda Never Gave You Ninjas Money” file, Boston Celtics guard Marquis Daniels had a diamond pendant made in his own likeness… and by that I mean, a chocolate shrunken head with dreads and shit for brains.

I wish Suze Orman would rip these fools a new one. I can think of a million better ways to spend money: Haiti, inner-city youth programs, investments, real estate, YO MOMMA!, hell, ME! I take PayPal.

Spotted

Brew Commentary: Groundhog Day

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today which is supposed to mean six more weeks of winter. As I watched the wall to wall television coverage of the crowds who gathered around that little upgraded rat, I started thinking; why can people accept this Brewshyt folklore but they can’t seem to accept our President? Since Phil’s first prediction back in 1887, he’s only been right only 39% of the time. Now that’s a sucky approval rating if you ask me. If someone lied to you 61% of the time you’d be done with them. But year after year these yahoos come back for Phil’s spin. Do they shout “you lie” when Phil pops out of his hole? Do they shake their head and mouth the word "no” after his winter proclamation? No! A weird analogy I know, but I just can’t say I’m lovin’ that a groundhog gets more respect then our Commander-in-Chief lately!

Brew Commentary: Crossing the Line?

I am captivated in the way in which the media is covering the crisis in Haiti. It seems like news cameras are everywhere! They were rolling as Dr. Sanjay Gupta saved a little girl and were on when Anderson Cooper rescued a young boy from the violent streets of Port-au-Prince. I realize access to scenes such as these are the point of media journalism but part of me can't help wondering are these journalists crossing the line? I realize Dr. Gupta is a surgeon first, so it's instinct to jump in and help, but when the networks replay these Reporter-Saves-A-Haitian events every hour on the hour, doesn't it defeat the purpose? Are we so enthralled with finding a hero in every story that reporters make it their mission to satisfy this craving? I appreciate everything they're doing, but am I off-base Brewchies? By the way, while we're debating coverage tactics, don't forget to donate to relief efforts.

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

Brew Commentary: No H8?

A landmark case is underway in California. At issue, whether Proposition 8's ban on same-sex marriage violates the U.S. constitution. Perry v. Schwarzenegger is expected to be decided at the Supreme Court level and draw weeks of testimony. I'm not going to get into whether the definition of marriage should be redefined. We Witches love er'one. What does irk me about this case has nothing to do with the legality of it. My issue is with the "No H8" campaign that has taken a life of its own. Here you have couples whose entire lives hinge on the court's decision and some celebrities, claiming they're down for the "cause", are seemingly using the popular campaign to do a little self-promotion. Hidden agenda, much? These photoshopped and screwed poses include taped tittays, tats and handcuffs, Emmys, bondage, hoochies, C'mom SON! I'd like to see how many of these stars actually show up to the courthouse to hear case testimony, or march members with of the gay community who really want change.

Source

A Letter To Wifey from her Single Friend

Dear Wifey,

We’ve been friends for a while and I’ve noticed some changes in your behavior that need to stop, stat! First and foremost; despite what you may think just because I’m single that doesn’t mean that I’m desperate or I want YOUR man and his big ass Rick Ross belly.

In fact, no one wants his boring ass but you, got it? While we’re on topic, I’m really glad you found love or whatever it is you found nestled up under your BF’s sweaty moobs, but that doesn’t mean you have to quit helping me do Hood Rat Stuff. Before your bundom, you didn’t mind helping me gather a little intell on my current dude’s other chicks because you were doing it too. You’d be down for some Facebook snooping or a little interrogation.

Oh, and sitting outside a dude’s house at 4am talking shit and mean mugging his neighbors was all good too. You were down for the cause. Now, it’s like you’ve gotten amnesia about the single life. Some of us are still fighting the good fight, so a little uplifting now and then would be appreciated. If I can sit on the phone and listen to your boring ass couple problems and playdate issues for hours it’s only right that you return the favor.

Can you also please try to be more considerate when you have your little functions? Now that we need to forward calls up your man’s arse to reach you, I’ve noticed you tend to only hang with other couples. That’s all gravy but your married frumpy friends are not that friendly to me, especially when I arrive late, rockin’ a freak ‘em dress. Hey, I’m hitting the club after all ya’ll boring mofos eat, play Taboo then fall asleep so don’t judge. I don’t need all the hairy eyeballing from those little Jack & Jill and Mocha Mommies. Is it my fault their men are standing around the basement bar trying not to look while talkin’ about old as frat business or their new snow blowers?

I hope you realize that being single for many of us is a preference which means we PREFER it. I still have love for you Wifey. Every life choice has positives and negatives but can you cut the singles some slack?

Love,

Your Single Friend

Brew Commentary: Do the Dorothy!

I stumbled upon a photo of Dorothy Dandridge today and it made me pause and relish in the simplicity of her beauty. No blonde highlights. No hair down her back. No fake lashes. No neck tats. No bling. A lot of no’s that add up to one big yes! She’s classic. That got me to thinking about many of the female celebrities today who we call “beautiful”. Many have fake hair and fake body parts, wear mountains of makeup and have everything out on display. There’s nothing wrong with that if it makes you feel better about yourselves, but it leaves nothing to the imagination. I don’t want to make it seem all bad. There are glimpses of simplistic beauty still around. Actresses like Halle Berry, Paula Patton and Sanaa Lathan come to mind. I also see ordinary women everyday who also possess this outwardly gift. So I am wondering; are our standards that skewed or is it just a case of impatience? True beauty is something that gets better the more you admire it. It doesn’t hit you over the head, it's subtle and soft. However, in this day and age everything is so immediate. Women only get 2.5 seconds to make an impression before "it’s on to the next one… " Instant gratification never lasts long though. So ladies, I challenge you in 2010 to “Do the Dorothy”.

Ill Mannered Men: Who's To Blame???

You've seen em, the ones who close their eyes and pretend to be sleeping on the train so they don't have to relinquish their seat to women, the ones who go in a door before you, the ones who watch you struggle with 15,000 shopping bags strapped to you and 2 more on your head never offering to help and then have the audacity to try to holla! The ones who utter pure filth out their mouth in a lame ass attempt to get your digits "damn Imma need you to sit all that on my face" *blank stare* and then of course you get "sheeiit you wasn't all that anyway" or "I can't stand bitches who think they better than somebody" Huh sir???!!!

So who's to blame? Single mothers raising boys do the best they absolutely can but somehow I think things never quite turn out right when trying to make a boy a man without a positive male figure in his life, again I stress 'positive' not just some random peen gallivanting around your townhouse in his draws taumbout "where the heineken?!" It should not be the case that I am blown over with surprise when I see a man extend kindness to a woman, but that is the sad reality, it shocks the living chit outta me! Women get up quicker on public transportation for an elderly person, a pregnant woman, etc. I have even encountered, on numerous occasions, men try to get at me while sitting in a seat as I stand, again I say "huh sir?!" How does that math even compute to them??

Maybe there's no one to blame, I don't know. Who's to say that even when they have a father or male figure in their life that a boy will become a decent man?? I just always think that people learn better by seeing and perhaps these boys masquerading as men simply haven't seen the proper way. Chivalry is dead, buried and swimming with the fishes like they did "Big Pussy' on 'the Sopranos'.



But, since I'm always the hopeful chump, I look forward to it's return.......

Brew Commentary: Enough with the "N" Word!

Our very own Brew Dude, "Ask a Cash," has hidden talent, aside from telling chicks they ain't all that, Boo Boo. Turns out... he's got quite a view on one of the many ills plaguing our community. Check out his latest work, titled "Get Off."

Get Off

We escaped Pharaoh, and made it through the mist of the wilderness,
Defied every odd and made them all sit and witness it,
Learned to read and write when we were struggling to be free,
Have our shows, they thought we’d never be on TV,
Did naturally what they needed training to master,
Covered our pain and sorrow with the healing of laughter,
Broke records in a field as segregated as golf,
Watched them emulate our style, mimic the “cool” way we walk,
And we’ve touched every field from doctor to astronomer,
Lawyer, chemist, broker, even called us “Your Honor”,
And the President? We did that. Even some of them love rap,
But if you want me to be real, I still don’t understand that,
With all that we’ve done and accomplished, go figure,
We still think it’s okay to call another man a “nigger”,
And pull triggers on brothers in a request to be thugs,
Wanting to own your own label, meantime you sell drugs,
I’d love to gather you up, maybe I’ll say you’ve won the lotto,
Tie you and bleach your skin and blame it all on vitiligo,
Cause you’re part of the problem, you’re batting for the other team,
I mean, don’t be deceived thinking that because a dream,
Has been fulfilled that it’s all over, weights still on our shoulders,
And we will never get over as long as we let that word mold us,
And we created trends, why not? Abolish the word and plot,
Our own destiny outside of what you hear in hip-hop,
Cause bigots don’t die, but they’re dying of laughter,
Every time we use the word, time to change this chapter,
And recognize that, with all that we’ve done, we’ve done nothing,
Mentally shacked, going nowhere but running,
Cause “ghetto fabulous” is mainstream mediocre,
And until we stop using it, we’re never gonna get over,
And that’s “keeping it real”, by definition in fact,
If you want to get off something, then “nigga”, get off that…

*snaps snaps*

Brew Commentary: Does Chicago Deserve The Olympics?

Yesterday, we told you about the brutal beating death of Derrion Albert in Chicago. All because the honor student walked into a street fight between other kids. That case got me thinking about the ongoing black-on-black/youth-on-youth crime taking place in Chicago. And it led me to ponder: in light of what's going on there, does this city really deserve a chance to host the 2016 Olympics?

When (or, if) the Olympics makes it to Chicago, will its violence problem simply be swept under the rug or buried in the B section, after all the glorious stories of Olympic gold?

Our president, Chicago's adopted son, is campaigning hard to woo the Olympic committee. President and First Lady Obama are even traveling to Copenhagen this week to lobby on behalf of the Windy City. An unprecedented move, especially for a wartime-recession president with so much on his plate.

Shouldn’t President Obama be lobbying equally as hard for more afterschool programs in Chicago to give kids constructive things to do after 3 pm? Should he be lobbying hard for a ban on guns? How about more year-round student-job programs to give kids opportunities to build resumes, develop professional skills AND make money legally? Should he be lobbying for a sweeping clean-up of Chicago's school system and its legendary corrupt political machine? Or, perhaps lobbying for all of the above?

In the race to make this era post-racial and this presidency not about 'race,' has this White House missed a key opportunity to break ground on combating black-on-black crime than any previous politicians have?

Why has this White House been so noticeably silent about what ills Chicago (and many other cities)? Even CNN has taken note by producing a lengthy series on Chicago's violence problem. This president is teetering inside a unique bubble: one that could burst if he pays TOO MUCH attention to race. But, it could also pop if he doesn't address it ENOUGH.

We all know it takes a village, but is it also THIS president's job to make ending Chicago's youth violence problem a priority? Should he make it as much of a priority as he's making bringing Olympic dollars to the Magnificent Mile?

What's your call?