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Witches' Brew: Brew PSA: Just Because It Comes In Your Size.....

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Brew PSA: Just Because It Comes In Your Size.....

Heidey Ho, Brewchies!


I'd like to talk to you about a serious matter infecting your Nation's Capitol, and quite possibly your town. Summer seems to bring out the worst outbreaks of this syndrome.
So please use caution, while shopping your local strip mall.

In fact avoiding the local strip mall, and going into a more upscale retailer, may help you avoid these symptoms entirely!



STANK A DANK SKANK SYNDROME!
Could this be you?

THE SYMPTOMS

  • MMMM SOUFFLE: Do you shop for items based only on their Lycra count, not the actual size on the waist band? Does your muffin top resemble a delicious lumpy bumpy souffle, because your pants are too damn small and your shirt too damn tight?
  • MISUSE OF HOISTING APPARATUS: When you wear a belt does it look like the equator on one of those giant library globes?




  • AN EMU IS ANOTHER FEATHERED BIRD THAT DOESN'T FLY: Do you have wings behind you, that you show off via with flagrant misuse of halter?



  • BREAKSTONE DISEASE: Do you wear short shorts regardless of the laws of physics and all that is decent? Do sparks shoot out from the friction of your meaty thighs? Try a knee length short, and avoid a forest fire, Paco!
  • Are You Mariah Carey?: If you wore the item in highschool and you graduated 20 years ago...THROW THE DAMN ITEM AWAY. I don't care if you can 'fit into it' or not. Class it up, oldie!


If you answer yes to one or more of these symptoms, you may be affected by this disease. But there is hope. With just 2 more inches of clothing, and a mirror check before you leave the house, making sure that the world doesn't see more of your cooch than your GYN, you'll be on your way to healing!


(I will continue to say this til someone takes my keyboard.. WEAR YOUR MICKEY FICKEY SIZE AND COVER YOUR GOTDAMN CHEESE! THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!)

P.S. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. STOP BUYING THE CHEAP KIND THAT SHOW OFF THE ROCKS IN YOUR POCKETS!


*I beat you because I love you


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3 Comments:

At Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at 7:19:00 PM EDT , Blogger Reggie said...

Sometimes we just don't realize that we look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

 
At Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at 7:54:00 PM EDT , Blogger Bianca Merriweather Pavillion Hall and Oates said...

PREACH!

 
At Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at 8:41:00 PM EDT , Blogger ƉƟѴІΞLΞΞ © said...

MARIAH NEEDS ASSISTANCE

 

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