As Seen On TV

Have we gotten so fat and lazy as a country that we can’t even wipe our own asses? Check out this infomercial that’s trolling around the internet.




The Comfort Wipe lets you wipe your rear with, I guess, comfort. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been uncomfortable wiping mine. It’s sorta, a fact of life. You poop, you wipe. And if you’re Terrence Howard, you poop then baby wipe.

If you buy this marvel of patenting, you get a bonus deal, something called a “Get A Grip.” Wow! Do a Shamwow and a Snuggie come with it?

Now, I understand if you’re infirmed and you need some help reaching back there. But come on, you know as well as I, that some lazy mofo is ordering this in 3…2… because reaching around to his ass makes him sweat like Whitney Houston.

Here’s my question, what happens if you shart and you get some of the sticky green on the pole? You know there was always a little poop that could wind up on your hand.

I’m just sayin’…

Where were you the last time you sharted?........

Sharts..... they have happened to the best of us. So where were you the last time you sharted? I remember very vividly, the worst shart of my life, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was still living in NY at the time on the #2 train line. I was working on Wall St near the World Trade Center, was dog tired and couldn't wait to get home. I remember being gassy when I left work but figured I'd take a nice relaxing dump once I got home, well the bubbleguts started to kick in right as the train pulled into Times Square but me being the ass squeezing pro I am , I figured I had it under control. Well the train is pulling outta 125th St so there's only a couple more stops til we get to the Bronx, my stomach is really huritng at this point so I figure I could let out a little poop, it won't hurt anyone and besides no one will know who did it since the train is so crowded. Well as my luck would have it what I thought would be a little poop ended up being a forkin shart! I was mortified so I'm sittin on the #2 train in a pool of my own shit, I remember thinking "this is not happening to me" Of course it didn't take long for everyone to start saying "what's that smell???" so you know I joined in too like "yeah what is that, eeewwww" knowing damn well I was the shit monster they were after. So I finally get to my stop and mind you I still have to walk about 3 blocks to my house and it kept getting better, a dude I had been having a stare down contest with for weeks decides that this would be the day to make his move, again, "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" I'm thinking, so he starts spittin his holla game and I'm standing there like "you decide to talk to me on the day I shat on myself" what a diaster. He kept telling me how beautiful I was yadda yadda yadda and I was just crackin up, he was looking at me like "what the hell is so funny?" on our third date I told him about the shart, 2 days later he asked me to be his girl, go figure?! I guess there's something to be said for this open shitting thing after all.

In any event, the relationship didn't last long, he ended up shitting on me....... hahahahahahaha! now that was a hardy har har if ever there was one! :)