Ask A Dude©: The Christmas Special

Bianca: So Gross Dude, how does a man about town handle Christmas with all your bitches?

Gross Dude: Why they gotta be bitches....Were u one of my bitches back in the day?

Bianca: The bitchiest of them all, baby! Now back to you and your present day, bitches. (Yes.. we dated, DON'T JUDGE ME! The sun was in my eyes.. the Backstreet Boys had just broken up!!)

Gross Dude: LMAO... well, at least your fair.. can't argue with you. Just a lot of merry Xmas phone calls.. that's all.

Bianca: A LOT? A lot of calls. You are one nasty mofo, you know that?

Gross Dude: ...and some text messages

Bianca: You really go all out, don't you?

Gross Dude: Yeah.. it's hard being me

Bianca: Thanks for this fireside chat, Nasty ass

Gross Dude: I'm so not nasty...Women use me for sex.... I just happen to like sex. A lot.

Bianca: Yes, you are doing a community service. Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Gross Dude: It does.. it really does.

Bianca: (having a flashback moment) You're clearly well practiced so it is good, but it's not that good that A Holiday TEXT would suffice. I am so confused.

Gross Dude: A woman that lives a few blocks from me, walked over.. in all that snow, last weekend.. at 11PM .. just to get it.

Bianca: REALLY??

Gross Dude: Yep

Bianca: I mean.. have you learned new tricks or something? I mean it's pleasant enough, sure. but I never thought of you having Blizzard Dick.

And a Happy HO HO HO'ing to you all!

Brew Holiday Jukebox: Last Christmas, Wham!

Before you say 'what the fug are these Brewchie's smokin'?!'  Just have an open mind... this is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs, EVAH!  Hey, we keep it diverse at the Brew. Behold the Holiday joy that is the highlighted blown out goddess, Sir (if he hasn't been knighted he should be!) George Michael.

Things Negroes Like: Christmas Edition

Christmastime is upon us and you know what that means: eating, smiling at unwelcomed visitors, eating, gift-giving to people you don't really like but you know they'd talk slick about you if you didn't, traveling and, yup, eating.

So, in the spirit of the season, here are a few things we Negroes like during these festive times.

Run it…

• Watching the boss get drunk at the holiday party and capturing photographic evidence of it
  
• Spandex pants: so you won't bust a zipper after eating all that pressha-increasing, not good for yo' suga food you know you shouldn't be having anyway
  
• Pretending we know what those Kwanzaa names really mean
• Re-gifting.  Oh, don't act like you don't do it.
  
• Decking the halls. We love an off-kilter Christmas decoration, don't we? For White Jesus' sake, please make your Christmas lights match! Can we rock a theme please?
  
• Watching Flick get his tongue stuck to that pole in A Christmas Story. Man, that never gets old (and it's totally not something we'd do either).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

On the flip side, there are some things we don't get down with on Christmas…

• Opening the door for random Christmas carolers: I don't know you, boo
  
• The cold. We are a tropical people.
  
• The "gift" of fruitcake. Just come empty-handed.
  
• Mistletoe: haven't you heard about the swine flu?
  
• New Year's Resolutions: we know we'll keep doing the same isht that got us by in 2009. C'mon son!
  
• Pretending some chubby man named "Santa" gave the kids the new PlayStation when ya'll know it was single momma doing it for herself who made that happen! #justsayin
  

Irregardless of your likes, dislikes, preference or persuasion, you're probably marking some type of holiday as the year winds to a close. So, from the Brew Chicks to you… make it a good one.

I can't even fake… I crank this song in the dead of Summer.