Mofos and Massages.... UGH!!

If one more man expresses his desire to massage me I'm gonna effin lose it!!!!! I mean listen, I prefer is you just say, "hey girl, when do you think you'll have time to let me grease you down and slip you some of this joystick?" At first I thought nothing of it but then I started to realize that I get asked this at least 3 - 4 times per week. Here's how it ususally goes:

Massage Fucker: "Hey girl, what's up? what chu doin?

Me: "Cold chillin, trying to figure out what I wanna eat"

Massage Fucker: "oh aight, so I'm sayin, what chu doing?"

Me: "I mean what? is you def? (yes, "is you"), I said nuffin!"

Massage Fucker: "damn boo you sound stressed, you need a massage"

Me: "stressed? , um no, I'm straight"

Massage Fucker: "nah you stressed, I think you need me to come over there and give you a massage"

Me: *now I've figured out what I wanna eat* "look let me call you back ok?"

Massage Fucker: "yeah and let me know what's up with that massage"

Me: "uh yeah, sure" *click*

Ok now in my twenties I will admit that I fell for the "girl you need a massage" trick, which almost always ended with some type of coitus but at this point I'm way too old for the "massage" game. A massage, riiiiigggghhhhtttttt.......... I agree to this massage, you come over, drench me in crisco , proceed to start rubbing me down and then the next thing you know your penis 'accidently' slips in my vagina cat, no thanks! I'm good!