Pampered...On A Budget

I'm all about getting more bang for your buck. I've actually been all about this even when we weren't in a recession...but I am NOT cheap! Just wanted to get that outta the way.

Anywho, just because we've got less money to throw around these days doesn't mean we should pamper ourselves any less.

I decided to put a little "me" time in my schedule and trekked to the Potomac Massage Training Institute in DC. It's a school for masseuses (the real kind...not the ones who send you penis texases, hoping for a happy ending). Since it's a massage school, you can make an appointment for a student massage for just 37 bucks! And you can't tip them since they're students. Ain't life grand?!

You get the same treatment you'd get at a professional spa (okay, there's no cucumber water but I hate that stuff anyway) but for a whole lot less. Student massages are $37, graduate massages (tipping optional) are $55 and professional massages (tipping also permitted but not expected) are $80...all well below a typical hour-long massage in this area!

Head to Google to find a massage training school near you. I swear, I love the innawebs.

Mofos and Massages.... UGH!!

If one more man expresses his desire to massage me I'm gonna effin lose it!!!!! I mean listen, I prefer is you just say, "hey girl, when do you think you'll have time to let me grease you down and slip you some of this joystick?" At first I thought nothing of it but then I started to realize that I get asked this at least 3 - 4 times per week. Here's how it ususally goes:

Massage Fucker: "Hey girl, what's up? what chu doin?

Me: "Cold chillin, trying to figure out what I wanna eat"

Massage Fucker: "oh aight, so I'm sayin, what chu doing?"

Me: "I mean what? is you def? (yes, "is you"), I said nuffin!"

Massage Fucker: "damn boo you sound stressed, you need a massage"

Me: "stressed? , um no, I'm straight"

Massage Fucker: "nah you stressed, I think you need me to come over there and give you a massage"

Me: *now I've figured out what I wanna eat* "look let me call you back ok?"

Massage Fucker: "yeah and let me know what's up with that massage"

Me: "uh yeah, sure" *click*

Ok now in my twenties I will admit that I fell for the "girl you need a massage" trick, which almost always ended with some type of coitus but at this point I'm way too old for the "massage" game. A massage, riiiiigggghhhhtttttt.......... I agree to this massage, you come over, drench me in crisco , proceed to start rubbing me down and then the next thing you know your penis 'accidently' slips in my vagina cat, no thanks! I'm good!