Brew Checklist: Weekend Things to Do

We know it’s summer fun time, but some of you seem to have been slacking year round. So no rest for you, Bucko! Here’s a shortlist of things to do to "get your Game up" - just a smidge, by Monday. Baby Steps To Betterment , at the Brew!

(If these do not apply to you, feel free to print off and discretely pass on to your cousin...you know the one.)

1. Grooming:

• Ladies apparently some of you did not get my body hair memo. I just saw a broad with hair sprinkled quite festively on her titty meat area, YUCK! After you get rid of it, GET TO A DOCTOR, as there is something seriously hormonally off if you are sporting a Tom Selleck and you are ‘LADY’!

Bask in the '80's splendor -

why is that a house phone without a cord??

2. Your Mind:

• You and you know who YOU are.. READ A GOTDAMN BOOK. All of your mental enrichment can’t come from the interwebs, as entertaining as it is. --I’m sorry but ZANE does not count as mental enrichment. Good grief. There are millions of amazing worlds you are missing by saying 'Oh, I don't read.' White Jesus would be ashamed of you.
• Learn a new word. Actually, I take that back. Learn the meaning to the words that you already have in your lexicon (I’ll even give you a minute to look up lexicon....sigh) , because some of you mofos are using your 'big words' all wrong and you look stupider than if you had just nodded and smiled.
• And while you are at it, practice pronouncing the small words you are effing up. Do you want to 'ask' me a question or 'Axe' me to death? I may have a problem with one of those scenarios... I'm jussayin'. By the way.. the place you go to borrow books, is not pronounced 'lieburry'... (see I gave you that one for free!)

3. Your relations:

• Men, buy your lady some flowers. I’m sure in the last few months she’s had to deal with: erectile dysfunction (Psst..it’s not okay, we don’t want to cuddle and it doesn’t happen to other guys), skid marks, and you peeing on the toilet AGAIN. (SERIOUSLY DUDE, THE TOILET HASN'T MOVED SINCE THE LAST TIME. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM!?) Look, just show her that you care, in a way that doesn't immediately benefit you as well. Then go cheat! It IS summer after all. HOLLA!

4. Buy One Outfit In Your Size:

• On the way to work last week, I saw this chick who was probably a size 18.. wearing a size SIX jeans and a tee shirt that because she decided to go XXS... was a half top. Way to burn my retinas so early in the morn, lady. First of all- where the hell does she work that that's okay? Secondly, ouch! You cannot be comfortable in that. Thirdly: I, most sincerely, do not want to see your stretch mark puzzles pouring over some too tight 'skinny' jeans! All that shit does is make me want to play Sudoku on your pannus.
  

Brewchie, OUT!