Oompa-Loompa Game, Proper

76 year old fashion divo Valentino Garavani hung up his scissors and is now enjoying the fruits of his long fashion career with a new documentary and by attending various red carpet events around town.

The man has villas and ski chalets around the world, but what he clearly does not have is a bottle of that Jergens Natural Glow that gives you little doses of tan each day. Someone FedEx this dude a bottle of that fake bake, STAT! I love this man but I cannot handle his orange face. This will haunt me for years to come.

Now, don't get me wrong, the Jem has been known to rub on some color in the dead of winter. I even have one of those color spray guns in the closet to battle emergency paleness. Hey, I like to get my glow on. Don't judge! But this is just awful.

Poor Anne Hathaway needs an Oscar for standing next to him and smiling. That's some Meryl Streep type acting right thurr.


And to make matters worse, the damn tan rubs off! Last year, when he hugged SATC star Sarah Jessica Parker, THE TAN RUBBED OFF ON HER EAR! Now that is just naaaasty!

The Stinky Corner!

I'm all for doing "you" but sometimes that's just not enough. Especially if you look like you lack in the hygiene arena. So I'm starting a new weekly post dedicated to the stanka danks a.k.a. people who look like they subscribe to HBO (Human Body Odor).

Today's first honoree is Rasheed Wallace of the Detroit Pistons. Oh, where do I begin? Is the the beard that looks like little nappy raisins? Or, the fact that his teeth look like he needs a gross scale cleaning? Something about Sheedy tells me his jump-off are used to seeing some skids in his Fruit of the Looms. Febreeze is your friend.

And Massengil is your friend Nivea. Something about this little chippie makes my eyes water. She looks like she smells like Funyuns and Trout. I know her underwear is mad crunchy. Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It's funny his name is Sway because that's exactly what his hair DOESN'T do under that hot ass hat. This dude looks like he smells like hot breath on an empty stomach. I'm sure Fab 5 Freddy, Downtown Julie Brown and the rest of the old MTV VJ's have taken up a permanent resident under that bama ass knitted do-thingy! So to this week's winners, cheers, let's toast by all jumping into a vat of bleach, stat!