Bad Sex Chronicles: Installment #2 (Ignorant Sized Peen)

Ok,let's set the scene, he was FIONE!!! I mean fine like you never seent fine befo! Seems like once we met, we were inseparable. I wanted to be under him all the time and he wanted to be up under me. We refrained from becoming intimate right away because we were committed to getting to know one another better and building a good friendship. How could this go left I'm sure you're wondering.... well let me tell ya....

His ding dong was BIG! now again I'm sure you're thinking "and what's the problem?" There are lots wrong with a flinestone size peen. Just like with a vienna sausage sized peen, you can't do anything with a monster peen besides look at it, take pics of it for facebook and for proof cause you know when you tell your girls that the ninja was packin 13-14 inches they gon be like "this trick stay lying". There are so many problems with a peen of this magnitude, if you are like some ladies *cough* not me, but some ladies that enjoy things that are oral in nature you can't even do that without permanent jaw damage.



So needless to say we simply cuddled, and kissed and talked and I stared. I don't have babies yet and if I woulda allowed that thing to go poking around in me he woulda had my fallopian tubes wrapped around my neck like pearls, so I had to respectfully decline. His ego was through the roof that his ginormous peen sobered me up and if it was any consolation for me, he could NOT kiss worth a damn! Just an awkward transference of loads of saliva and very little tongue. He probably never bothers to perfect his kissing game cause he figures he has that big, ignornat, giant peen and that will make up for any foreplay shortcomings. This is the problem with most men with ample peen, they think big giant peen is all they need to bring to the table (or back alley, or car, or kitchen counter, or parking lot) and that is simply not the case!

I hear he's married these days, wonder how the wife is handling that 'situation', she's certainly a better woman than me or perhaps a 'wider' woman than me........

Bad Sex Chronicles: Installment #1

Always stop at a wretched kiss, it is my long-standing belief that a bad kisser will most definitely be a BAD lay. To date I have never been wrong. Single girls go through phases, sometimes we wanna get it on with anything not nailed down including but not limited to trees, bus shelters, fruit stands… if it’s humpable, we are on it! Then there are the times when we could care less about coitus or the troublesome penis its comes with, we simply don’t wanna be bothered. But man let me tell you, even with the ups and downs that come with the desire to boink, I think it’s safe to say that when we do decide it’s on and poppin we want that shit to be the ish! Sex that’ll have us making steak and eggs at 3:00 am in the forkin morning as we whisper on the phone to our BFF about how we just got done like a hoebag. It’s what we want. I tell ya what we don’t want though, we don’t want some bama with the tongue of a lizard kissing us with his semi hot breath, we don’t want a regular sized condom (not even talking a magnum, which is what most brohams use, unnecessarily I might add) to fit baggy, most condoms don’t come with suspenders homey, go for a condom fitting next time! We don’t want you caressing us with your little ladylike hands, scrap them badboys up on some concrete or sumfin before you come over. We don’t want you pumpin your lil guy in the fat fold of our thigh cause either you were too little or we were too *cough* experienced and you slipped out. And mostly we don’t want you calling us, like EVER!!!! Put your clothes on and bounce! And don’t even think about reaching for our remote, that will get you cut!

We are all ultimately like Halle in Monster’s Ball, go hard or go home (literally) and “make me feel good!”


Halle Berry - Monster Ball - The funniest videos are a click away