Things Negroes Like: Tattoo Edition

So, I spent the holiday weekend ‘way down in the country deep’, with the fam, toasting a graduate and cooking out. You know how we Negroes do when it gets hot. As I was sitting and observing my surroundings (as any decent hood journalist does), I started to analyze all the tattoos I saw this weekend, coupled with all the awesomely bad tats in the NBA playoffs. That got me to thinking: what is it with the Negroes and body art?

Run it…

Baby Momma/Daddy Names

You know you will not be with this person past next year. Please don’t get their name scrawled across your back or (worse) on your neck. You do not want to see this person’s face when you look at your child much less inked across your thigh. Avoid the urge my people… just get a t-shirt with their name instead. The Negroes love t-shirts.

Fallen Homies
Why do the Negroes love to get their dead homies inked on their bodies? I mean, I love my girls and all, but trust, I’d just pour a little out for them and remember the good times. I wouldn’t get homegirl’s name on my calf so everyone can ask me for the rest of my life “Who’s Rita? I thought your name was Tiffany?” It’s just not a good look. Just get a R.I.P. sticker and put it on your car. The Negroes love that too. Better yet, take that tat money and donate it to a charity. A novel idea!

Children
Ooh, I might touch a nerve with this one (please don’t strike me White Jesus). You know the Negroes love to honor their children in random ways: putting the light bill in their name, opening a credit card under Lil Johnny’s Social Security Number, you know…hood stuff. We take it even further by putting all (yes, allll) the kids’ names on our bodies. You know your arm is going to run out of space for listing all dem kids anyway. As if the world doesn’t know you’re Lil Peaches’ momma. How ‘bout we start Peaches a college fund, mmmkay?

Bible Verses

And since we’re striking a nerve with White Jesus, let me just say, the Bible verse you have in the ‘tramp stamp’ area does no good as a reminder to you that ‘The Lord is [your] shepherd’ because you cannot even see it back there and we know you’re not reading it backwards in the mirror for inspiration. And while we’re on the topic of biblical things, please stop getting angel wings, praying hands, crosses with roses, Jesus with a crown of thorns, (I can go on and on)… Jesus would rather see you in church!

Chinese Characters

Are you an expert in Mandarin? Not the fruit fool, the language? Do you read from right to left? Can you even use a chopstick? Then why are you trusting a dude with a button-hole in his earlobe to tattoo the word “HOPE” in Chinese across your arm? This dude doesn’t read Mandarin either and that tat really says “5 Dolla Sucky Sucky.” Go down to Chinatown… you’ll see.

I have one request, my people: can we get our tattoos to have some kind of theme please? Especially if you’re going for the clustered or sleeve of tats look. The record company’s logo right next to the baby’s face beside the Chinese characters underneath the Zodiac sign next to your mother’s name with a rose through it above the Bible verse next to the loaded gun and bullet hole is not a good look!