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Witches' Brew: Things Negroes Like: Prom Edition

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Things Negroes Like: Prom Edition

It's Tuesday people! And with little over a week left in the month of April, high school couples all over the country are planning their prom haute couture (or haute ass mess, in many cases). Anyway, that got me to thinking about things the Negro children like to wear to the big dance. And lemme say, our couture has taken a turn for the worse in recent years.  So today’s rundown of Things Negroes Like is the Prom Edition and it’s dedicated to all you prom kitties out there.  Please read this, then immediately alter your ‘couture’ plans!

Run it...

Skittles-colored Dresses

A dress should not make me want to look for leprechauns or taste the friggin rainbow.  I should not want to pop a Starburst in my mouth when you walk by. What is with the chicks who like to dress like the colors in the airbrush machine at the Pedicure Palace have exploded all over them?  What happened to primary colors and jewel tones?

Cut-out Dresses

I fully blame Tina Knowles for this “trend” of home sewn dresses with mesh cut outs and missing patches in the abdominal area (find my supporting evidence here and here). Remember when Destiny’s Child used to rock the random jumpsuits and dresses with pieces cut out on the sides and whatnot?  Well, that... has led to this!  

If your dress has it’s own ventilation system, then you have failed.  Return to 10th grade.  If your stretch marks are visible through any part of your ensemble, then you have failed.  Return to 10th grade.  If you have to ‘lace up’ your dress in order to put it on, then you have failed.  Return to 10th grade.

Designer Brand Logo “Prints”

The Louis Vuitton logo is not a “print.”  It’s not meant to be worn as a top hat by your date or as some über-tight, painted on dress (unless you’re Lil Kim, of course).  Logos are meant for handbags, not covering your funbags.  And what legitimate couturier (look it up) sells this fabric by the bolt anyway?   Somewhere, Marc Jacobs is about to eff up his sobriety and snort a line because of your foolishness.

Plastered Hair

If Weaven Steven is approaching your coif, RUN the other way.  Spend that 5 hours in someone else’s salon.  Your prom date wants to touch your hair (and hopefully, pull it at the end of the night…if he plays his cards right), he does not want his hand to get stuck to the glob of Let’s Jam gel that’s holding your hair in place.

Tacky Suits

Oh, fellas don’t laugh too hard.  I haven’t forgotten about your penchant for tacky top hats, tails and canes.  When did pimps start going to the prom?  I blame The Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan for this.  (Who made his ass an Archbishop anyway?)

And some of you like to rock jerseys so much that you have your favorite team’s jersey made into a “tux.”  Kobe does not approve of this behavior…neither does White Jesus.  

Stretch "limos"

Sure, the prom is your one night to pretend you've got a little money, so you load up all your friends, take up a collection and splurge on a stretch.  You know you don’t really like all them fools anyway and probably won’t speak to half of them after graduation (you ARE graduating, right?).  But, you roll to the prom with those mofos anyway in some God awful pink stretch Hummer that’s single-handedly putting a new hole in the Ozone.  Good luck with that.

Remember this my youngins: simple is always better and classy always trumps assy.

Til next week people…keep it covered up… the principal doesn’t need to see all that or you could wind up like this chick…



At Tuesday, April 21, 2009 at 8:14:00 AM EDT , Blogger Phlip said...

Funny story:
3 days ago (Saturday) the girlfriend and I went to eat at The Cheesecake factory in Durham... Apparently, it was prom night, and we saw EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE.
The sad fact of the matter, as well, was that there were a lot of DUDES wearing zesty-looking bright colored suits. The messed up thing, here is that the seating in The Cheesecake Factory is not far enough apart to be truly separated from those at the next table. I had to often ask myself "were teenagers THAT lame in the 90s or did we just not notice?"

At Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 10:55:00 AM EDT , Blogger Jem said...

We weren't lame in the 90s! My dress was "home sewn" and it was FLY! No cut outs, no Skittles colors, none of that nonsense. That dress could still be worn today (ya know...if I cut my thigh off to squeeze into it). But you get my point.

At Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 3:53:00 PM EDT , Anonymous Anonymous said...

aww 90's we werent that lame in the 80's either. I got my dress from Loehman's and yep could wear it again.. provided they lift the ban on phen-phen!


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