Dates from Hell: DooDoo Brown Edition

Went to dude's house to chill (we've been talking for like months) he was well-established, career-wise. His apartment looked like a house for squatters. I needed to use the bathroom but the bathroom looked like it should have been housed in a gas station, the toilet looked like it had never had water in it. The once white porcelain bowl had been disrespectfully turned brown PERMANENTLY!

I walked to his room because well, he had no couch. His bed was not made and had bills and envelopes all over it. Sat on the bed to see pieces of hard rice, I assume from his previous dinners, and little black pellets which could have been burnt rice or worse, mouse droppings.

Yum.

I sat on the edge of the bed- scared to sit and scared to stand. We began to watch a movie and he started to snore 5 minutes in. He apologized profusely and sat up and actually got on his cellphone because 1 of his clients called him. While on the phone, his bedroom light blew out.

He put his client on hold and said "yo L go get a lightbulb out my linen closet in the hallway." My response, "AYO! I ain't doing anything!" He got pissed said he was too comfortable to get up and I wasn't a team player.

Few minutes later, he is off the phone telling me how much he likes me then he rubs his stomach, guess he got a case of the bubble guts. Son proceeds to get up and go to the bathroom, after he was gone for about 5 minutes...the most pungent odor trailed down the hall to where I was sitting. Pepe Le Pew would have passed out.

I began to get queasy and grab my things. He came out of the bathroom as he heard my heels tip toe down the hall (Ed. note: Did he wipe and flush? ew). When I told him I was leaving he became very confrontational and called me a stuck up brat and wannabe princess. He threw money at me for a cab and slammed the door right behind me.

Yea, it was midnight in the middle of an apartment complex in the South Bronx. I could have been mugged, raped or even murdered, but at that moment I rather had all of the above happen than see dude again.

Princess in El Bronx