Things Negroes Like: Hee hee hoo!

Today's TNL is about the story we've all been following since last Thursday: Michael Jackson's life and legacy. I first learned of his death as I emerged from the subway and overheard a rather loud man ask his friend "did you hear Michael Jackson died?" After I picked up my mouth, I snatched my trusty cell phone outta my purse and quickly went to TMZ (cuz they tend to be up on these things). Lo and behold the friggin' TMZ site wouldn't even load. By the time I made it to the car, I realized the news was true, so I was compelled to stop for ice cream (hey, life is short, might as well get your flowers now...and technically, it was frozen yogurt). I rode all the way home with my windows down and MJ's music blasting on the radio. Well, blasting about as loud as my standard, dealer-issued speakers can handle. But you get where I'm going with this.

So that got me to thinking about what we Negroes love about the Jacksons.

Run it:

Michael

We loved his music and his moves. We even loved his fashion choices back in the day. Who else could pull off glittery socks? And how many of us had that glove or ran out and got Jheri curls? Of course looking back, we wouldn’t be caught dead in that stuff today. We love that he never let his curl get dry nor did he flood with Leisure Curl products. It was jussst right. We loved that he took one for the team and still did the Pepsi commercial even with his curl on fire. Now THAT's dedication. We gave him a pass in the 80s when he started hacking away his nose and changing his Negroid features. But, many of us finally turned our backs on him after he morphed into a white woman and expressed his affinity for slumber parties. But, we're all back on the Michael bandwagon now. Actually, I think we're selectively remembering Negro Michael and even Mulatto Michael (from his Bad days). Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Hee hee, owww!

Janet

Sure, she's sexy, she looks good in a dominatrix outfit, she gave Paula Abdul steady work in the 80s, she managed to secretly marry the finest of the DeBarges and she played the heck out of an abused child on TV (*looking at you Joe Jackson*)... but what is it that most of the Negroes love about Miss Jackson If You're Nasty? That donk! Let's keep it real, if you're of the male persuasion (and some of you 'shims' too) you've been drooling over Janet since she was Penny on Good Times and you probably followed her to Diff'rent Strokes and even watched her on Fame. You love her chubby and you love her thin. These days, you still love her but every time you see her, you think "dayum, if Jermaine Dupri can get that, why can't I?" Hey, maybe there's still hope!

LaToya

She's such a mess that you can't help but love the girl. She was cute back in the day. Okay, that nose was taking up 2/3rds of her face but still, she was cute. Now, she's posing with snakes in Playboy and is kinda scary-lookin', all skinny and hiding under 20 lbs of yaki premium. Come back to us LaToya!

Rebbie

I'm still trying to find out if Rebbie is raising Janet's secret child. I mean, can we get a resolution on that? Anyway, I don't know about you, but whenever Centipede comes on, I must hit the floor and pretend I'm a worm. One-hit-wonder she may be, but everybody knows that song and remembers the video.

Tito

The most normal of the bunch. He looks like your uncle: got a little beer gut, a not-quite-right 'fro and looks like he kept his nose! Yeah Tito!

Jermaine

Well, I'm not sure if there's anything really spectacular about him to be honest (although Let's Get Serious was the jam). I think the Negroes just love to look at him. Doesn't he remind you of fried chicken with all that oil sheen on his edges?

Rockwell

Okay, so he's not a Jackson but dammit he’s Berry Gordy’s son and that’s close enough. Give him an honorary pass for Somebody's Watching Me. That song never gets old. Just ask Geico.

Family Ties

No matter how much they talk about their difficult upbringing, 'dem Jacksons go hard for their family. We all know devil poppa Joe Jackson used to get in dat azz on the regular with switches, his bare hands, extension cords, his shoe, guitars, couches and microphone stands. But, somehow, they always stick together. Like Cephus & Reesie, they tight!

Until next week, pour some out for Jacko! (I'm not even gonna make a Jesus Juice joke...dangit, I just did).