Things Negroes Like: Rooter to the Tooter Edition

I was eating some greens at a friend's house recently, and while the collards were good and all nutritious-tasting, there was no essence of that Porky Pig. No dribble of ham hock grease made its way down my chin as I sopped up the greens juice. No little bacon bits floated on the plate when I was done. That made me sad.

Now, grant it, I profess to be pig-free and all, and usually I am (usually). But there’s just something about that damn bacon that calls me, like Rick James’ aura. I won’t chow down on pork chops or pulled pork, but fry me up some bacon and I’m satisfied like a fat kid with cake. So, that got me to thinking about the many ways we Negroes love the pig.

Run it…

Chitlins

I remember the first time I smelled chitlins. I think I was about 5 years old and I thought our dog had died and someone shoved it in the closet. I mean really, should you eat something that smells like death and decomposition when you cook it? Yet, the Negroes love to get all up in some swine intestines. Now, would you go next door and eat Tyrone’s intestines? I think not. So why are we eating Babe’s? Let’s step our culinary game up in the 2009.

Bacon

Now, I don’t have nothin’ bad to say about bacon. I think it’s the 8th wonder of the world. Eat it alone or wrap it around something else (like a shrimp). Put it on a slice of buttered white Wonder bread... ahhh, the aroma, the crunch, the grease… (oh my, I think I’m having the big O right now….). Whew! I’ll even take turkey bacon if that’s all you got. But seriously, eating too much of the stuff can cause all types of health problems. On an up note though, Australian researchers say eating bacon can ease a hangover. I say, win some… lose some. We all gotta go sometime, might as well go with a bacon sandwich in your hands.

Bacon Grease

Bacon grease has as many uses in the Negro household as Vaseline and ‘Tussin. When you’re done frying the bacon on a Sunday morning, you’d better pour that grease into a jar or White Jesus will strike you dead. Negroes never throw bacon grease away. It’s a sacrilege. That grease can fry some more bacon next week, it can be used as a condiment, it can “garnish” your greens (more on that later), it can even be used to bait roaches! Cut the other fats in your life but heavens no, not the bacon grease.

Ribs

You might get cut if it’s your turn to the host the family BBQ and you don’t have any ribs. And you’d better make them the right way, with just enough sauce and tender enough to fall off the bone. If not, there could be an uprising at your get-together. Hot, cold, fresh off the grill…there’s no wrong way to eat a rib.

Pork-Flavored Vegetables

Mmmm, the delight of my life. I needs my vegetables swimming in swine. Maybe it’s the country in me, but if there’s no strip of bacon, drip of bacon grease or pig knuckle in the green beans… NEXT! Hell, put a fancy smoked turkey neck in it if you wanna be all bougie. I’ll eat it. Damn. Just be prepared for my ‘Itis to set in…


Til next week people… pig out.