Nothing Will Make Me Like You, Kate Gosselin

I don't know how this happens to me. Each season of this vapid reality dance show, I vow: This is it. I will not waste 800 hours of my week watching the rhythmically challanged try to ballroom dance. But like so many resolutions, this one was broken by the thought that just maybe maybe the ABC censors would throw caution to the wind and let Chad OchosRios (I refuse to spell a made up ass name ''correctly") dance in the nude, like he likes to train. Because I am a durty durty Puma. Two weeks into this suckfest, and I'm already annoyed. Here's the run-down

SHANNEN DOHERTY: Brenda, I heart you and your gap tooth grin. But was it always sooo damn gappy? How did I miss this? Did you go in for the Madonna special? I have dental questions dammit. I want them answered! As the woman who helped give me HEATHERS, you can do no wrong. As you were.

Neicy Nash, you can actually dance-ish. Yay! And I speak the language of "butter" as well!

Bachelor Guy, when they announced you were next I went to the pisser, sorry dude. (no pic b/c who are you?!)


Olympics Dude, ditto.... I drink a lot of water. (no pic, b/c I don't care)

ESPN lady, I like you.. but not enough to find a pic of you online. Good luck!

Dear Buzz Aldrin, I am begging, please sir please do not die on my television set. I have had a ROUGH YEAR. ROUGH, and it's only March. I do not think that my constitution can take it if you die on my television set.

Love, Bianca

Pamela Anderson, whatever you are smoking, puff puff pass.

Aiden Turner, you give me lady wood. That is all. Oh and I totally think you and Edyta are smooshing....and her husband watches. Now, that is all.

Chad Ochounodostres, lay off flirting with the dancin' brawd and get to moving your ass...you want fame? FAME COSTS, BITCH! Debbie done told ya!

Kate "Original Recipe Octomom" Gosselin. 1. you are NOT a celebrity. 2. You have no talent. 3. 'Doing it for the moms out there?'...why must you punish them? Is their life not hard enough with wiping poop and puke, that you must subject them to your robotic moves and snide condescending ways? I predict this is your last week. Buh Byes. And blowing kisses to your kids is more effective when they are in the room, you succubus. Furthermore, the way you speak to men, you will be single forever. REAL TALK TUESDAY!

Nicole Shirtshanger... Skirtsteak Sherzinger, you are mad stupid muldooky pretty. That is all.