My Plan For The BET Awards

Now that Michael Jackson has gone to glory, I’ve been mentally producing the BET Awards, which air this Sunday night at 8 pm. What can I say, I have a vivid imagination and a journalism degree. Sue me! I’m hoping BET gets this right. I’m hoping they don’t just slap together a Michael Jackson video montage and leave it to the artists to say kind words in their acceptance speeches. This man will always be the KING OF POP! Honor him, regardless of how kooky he was.

So, here’s my plan for the BET Awards:

Show opens with a montage of Michael’s best dance moves… moonwalking, crotch-grabbing, hee-hee, acha-oooh, hooin’ and shamonin’.

Then lights go dim and all you see is glittery feet. Then we get a little Usher moonwalking across the stage, singing a little Billie Jean number.

Insert dramatical (yes, dramatical) music interlude.

Enter…Beyonce. She’s wearing a sequins silver glittery get-up (c’mon, you KNOW she has one in the closet) and she descends from a grand staircase (she doesn’t fall this time) and starts singing a few bars of Off The Wall.

Insert another dramatical interlude.

Here cometh Ne-Yo for some of that dance across the floor, year of the gentlemanly stuff he does with canes and fedoras and whatnot. He does a little Smooth Criminal but can’t quite accomplish that lean.

Sprinkle in a little Justin Timberlake somewhere in the mix (because he thinks he’s an honorary Black anyway though many of us still haven’t forgotten how he did Janet dirty).

Another dramatical interlude and up from the floor come Jay-Z and Lil Wayne who do some ill tag team freestyle of Dirty Diana.

Here comes Jamie Foxx (you know he can’t host a show without singing, plugging a movie and suggesting you buy his new album) to officially open the show.

Blah, blah, blah, awards are given out. Blah blah.

Midway through the show, in a surprise “I can’t believe BET pulled it off” moment, the remaining Jackson siblings are all on stage (yes, even Rebbie “Centipede” Jackson). Maybe they sing a little diddy, maybe they don’t. But the crowd erupts in tears and has a complete come to White Jesus moment at the sight of Tito, Janet and Jackie Jackson (who was always the cute one in my book) all on the same stage.

After the Jacksons depart the stage, we get another little mini-tribute from the standard tribute-giver: Yolanda Adams, who sings that Free Willy song.

Then in another dramatical moment, BET dusts off Chris Brown who sings a somewhat captivating, attempt-to-save-my-career rendition of Man In The Mirror (which applies to him in more ways than one). The crowd eats it up…except for Rihanna who is the first shot camera #2 picks up once the performance is over. Her face is tight, kinda like Justin Timberlake’s after that Britney-Madonna kiss at the MTV Awards.

Blah, blah, blah, more awards given out.

Closing the show… Jamie Foxx plugs something then Stevie Wonder appears, cuz he always closes shows. He’ll sing whatever the hell he wants to sing cuz he’s Steveland Friggin Morris. Somewhere, Anita Baker, Chaka Khan and Patti LaBelle emerge and a full on let-me-out-sing you battle erupts and you forget what song is actually being sung.

Credit roll…

Tacky post-awards show begins.

Everyone goes to sleep, except for Paul McCartney who is secretly plotting how he can acquire the Beatles catalog.

Call me Stephen Hill… I’ve got ideas man!