301 moved permanently

***I AM NOT PREGNANT, I AM NOT PREGNANT, I REPEAT, I AM NOT PREGNANT***

Dear Son,

Yeah yeah I know, I'm as shcoked as you that this has happened but since you're here we have to learn to live with each other. I just wanted to let you know that I knew the chances of this happening when I let that man (your father) skeet his love juice in me but let me make a couple of things clear:

1. If you even think about crying incessantly for no gotdamn reason I will give you up for adoption, without a moments hesitation.

2. If you think I'm gonna be changing diapers all day, think again lil guy!! you are allowed to piss 3 times a day and take 2 dumps per day (any more than that and I won't be able to help you homey) so if I were you I would really try to get some bowel control incorporated into your day. Ain't nothing cute about a shitty baby.

3. If your dad (the skeeter we talked about above) decides to bail and not help me with you then you more than likely will be getting a brand spankin new daddy, with all the trimmings. Feel free to take full advantage of this man cause trust me, behind closed doors he's taking full advantage of mommy

4. Always always always beg and whine for shit from your grandmother, mommy's money is for purses and shit, grandma has waaaaaayyyyy more money than mommy, go for it! I'll show you how, it's super easy.

5. Since we can't choose our parents I apologize in advance if you're ugly or in any way offputting, trust me baby, life is hard and it's even harder for the ugly. Mommy did the best she could but I can't stop the unexpected DNA of your great great great great great grandfather from poppin up and messing up the game plan. Oh and to add to that let me also apologize in advance for your man-hips because although you're a boy you will more than likely have dumps like a truck, truck truck, thighs like what, what what, ok you get the idea. I'm sawwry

6. I'll probably be a bad mother at first which means you will think your grandmother is your mother, just for the record she's not. Now I don't mind if you think that at all, you can totally tell people I'm your sister, I'm not petty like that.

7. I must reiterate what I said earlier about that crying, please don't be like these other bonehead babies out here, be better than them, being a good communicator will take you far in life.

8. If you have a little penis when you grow up, please see the skeeter about that. I'll take the fall for your hips but not the penis .

9. Since were on the topic of penis, when it comes time for you to start masturbating please do that shit in school or on the train or something.

10. Probably most important so really take this one in, when we are eating, never eva eva think it's ok to take any of mommy's food, EVER! You will have yours and I will have mine. My food is NEVER for you , mommy don't get down like that. Taking my food is like saying "Mommy, you're a bitch!" to me it's the same thing, let's not have this kinda thing break up our bond cause in the end all mommy wants to do is love you, but I can't love you right if you fuck with my food.