Ruben S-S-S-S-Stutters....

Ok this might offend some people but I decided I don't care. I must tell my story. So here goes..... the other day, let's say about 1 week and some days ago, I'm minding my bitness, driving home from work and decide to stop at my neighborhood grocery store for some evening treats (ya'll know I likes my snacks ) so anyhoo, as I walking into the store a young, very attractive lad says hi to me with his eyes all lit up so clearly he's liking what he sees. I say hi and keep it moving, my eye is on the prize.... snacks! So I stay in there for a good 30 minutes or so and to my surprise as I'm leaving the store and walking to my car the young lad reappears and informs me that he sat in his car and waited for me cause well you know I'm just so the shit to him *poppin my collar* So we do the small chatter thing and exchange #'s, bam the end. I did notice that he was talking kinda low and kinda slow, thought to myself "hmmm, weird!" but hey I can be considered weird too so didn't think much of it. I hightail it to my ride, jump in, turn up the volume so I can shout Mariah's "Migrate" for my short ride home. I go home, fiddle faddle with my lunatic dog, contemplate not washing my ass but then go ahead and do it and then I tear into my snacks until slumber kicks me in my grill and I fall off into a coma.

Ok so fast forward 2 days later, grocery store dude calls. Almost forgot about him cause you know, so many men so little time ,tee hee! and well.... here's where the story takes a tragic turn....

Grocery Dude: h-h-h-h-h-hello c-c-c-c-c-an i s-s-s-s-peak to M-m-m-m-m-ary?

Honeyb: Um this is she

Grocery Dude: hi M-m-m-m-m-ary

Honeyb: *holy shat it's Reuben Stutters* Um yeah hi, what's up?

And from there the convo was confusing and mind boggling, the stutter was so bad I could barely understand the man. I hung in there though. I mean I let him stutter for a good 25 mins until I couldn't take it anymore. Was I wrong? I mean aren't stutters correctable these days with intense speech therapy? He said he was 31 years old and I'm gonna assume he may have never tried to fix it. Hey we all have our issues, I'm chunky but funky but I do make sure my swollen ass gets some regular cardio. Man I don't know, I felt so bad but then again I was like " nah you deserve a kneegrow you can understand" I mean right????

I mean enough is enough with the fuckin concessions! I let it slide with a 'nice' guy I met who had titty balls bigger than mine, he ended up being a asshole, can you imagine???? a full grown man with titty balls big enough to fit in my old 42DDD bras (ok that's a lie, I believe my real size was a 7898 ZZZZZ but I refused to wear my correct size) (before the mammory reduction) . Then there was the dude with the vienna sausage penis, now this might make me sound like a raving hoe bag but I need my man to have subtaintial meatage down below, I'm no stranger to the penis so my vagicat knows when some bs is trying to infiltrate. His lil guy had good intentions but to my vagicat it was like being tickled with a feather, poor guy. He did make me an excellent steak though and well shit, you can win my heart with food any day! I mean ugh! so I'm starting to learn that you can't let people slide, always get what you want and for goodness sake I want a man I can have a conversation with without feeling like I'm figuring out a brain teaser!

Toodles, Seacrest, Out!