Things Negroes Like: Reparations Edition

Quiet as it was kept, the Senate passed a resolution last week “apologizing” for slavery. I’m usually on top of the news, but I had vacation thoughts on my mind last week and totally missed this story until Monday. After I finished picking myself up off the floor, I started to think about what it really means for the U.S. government to apologize for slavery. Then visions of reparations danced in my head.

What is it with Negroes and reparations? Even if the government were to dole out money to make up for slavery, can that history ever be resolved? While you could certainly prove you’ve been affected by racism, can you prove you’re a direct descendant of a slave? It’s hard for some folks to figure out who the daddy is (*paging Maury*), can you imagine trying to find folks from the 1800s? I’m just sayin’.

So, if Negroes could get their hands on some reparations money, what would we buy?

Allow me…

• Cars (no American cars, please…only stuff we can’t pronounce)


• Jewels (diamonds, platinum and gold, period.)


• Clothes (of course, designer labels only)


• Stocking the bar (we must pop bottles to celebrate our newfound riches)


• Houses (you know real estate won’t be the first thing we buy and chances are, when we get around to making the purchase, we’ll buy something too big and well outside our means, but we’ll have like 15 people living there)


• Vacations (oh, you need a passport for that, huh?)

Now, me personally, I wouldn't get the jewelry, per se, but I would spend that fresh reparations cash on an ill lacefront that would blow in the wind as I drive my new convertible Maybach.

What? Don’t be judgin’me. Although, I'm sure Martin Luther the King would not be pleased with my purchases.

What would you do with your reparations money?