Things Negroes Like: Essence Music Fest Edition

Guess who's bizzack? 'Tis I, your keeper of all things Negro...knower of all things Black...scholar of all things Negroid. I'm back from the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans... and boy have I seen the Negro mountaintop! I've got a lot on my mind, so let's get it started!

Boycotting Foundation Garments

If I can see what you had for dinner last night, then you need some Spanx, Assets or some duct tape. Now, if it takes a shrapnel-enforced brassiere to hold your boobins up, then perhaps a strapless sundress is not the move for you.

Romper Room

The point of a romper or a jumpsuit is to look carefree and easy. It should be somewhat loose fitting and give the impression of something you might toss on when you run to the store for some of that blood orange soda (shameless plug). But, the idea is you should look like you've got some fashion sense about you while others are wearing muumuus to WalMart. Well, the sistas in the N-O gave new meaning to carefree and EASY! I saw butt cheeks, camel toes and guts busting out of rompers and jumpsuits. Ick! Call yeast control immediately. My people, my people, we gots-ta do better.

Frankie Beverly

The Negroes love this Frankie Beverly guy and his band, Maze. He's closed the Essence Festival all 15 years straight. And the Negroes do not disappoint. They don their best all-white fineries (including lots of linen and pimpish-looking fedoras) to sweat out their perms to Frankie's classic tunes. That sea of white looks a little cultish, but whatever, I joined in. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Fauxhawks

I blame Rihanna for this. There were real fauxhawks, weave fauxhawks and God-knows-what-hawks on the streets of the Big Easy. I saw curly ones, straight ones, colorful ones, shaved ones, slicked back ones...I was waiting on Mr. T to jump out after awhile. What kind of 9-5 do you work with a candy-colored fauxhawk? I'm just sayin'.

Charlie Wilson Hats

If you don't know who Charlie Wilson is, just quit reading now and start Googling because I quit you! So, 'Uncle Charlie' performed (or, I should say, tore it down!) at the Essence Fest. He's also a prostate cancer survivor (hats off to him, pardon the pun) and one of the ways he's helping his favorite cancer charity is by selling these hats. Great idea, poor execution. The hats look like something I did with the Beadazzler when I was 13. On one side, they've got his initials and on the other, there's some kind of sequin/Swarovski splash design. Not the best look. But, people were buying these things like they were limited edition Jordans. Dude, just tell me where to mail the charity check, you can keep your hat.

Nail Shops & Beauty Supply Stores

The beauty business seems to be thriving but the Lower Ninth Ward sure isn't. Let's get our priorities straight.

Michael Jackson Shirts

The Negroes sure know how to capitalize on a tragedy. You can't say we aren't natural entrepreneurs -from $5 flip-flops after the club to smoked turkey legs on street corners- the Negroes have a flair for the unexpected, that's for certain. There were more R.I.P. Michael and "King of Pop" shirts on the streets than there were of the commemorative Essence shirts. If you didn't know better, you'd think MJ was actually AT the Essence Fest, as much as he appeared alongside the memorabilia.

Heat

I know we're a tropical people and all, but DAMN, why does it have to be so hot in New Orleans? I mean, really, who did this city piss off to be slapped with this ridiculous heat? 103 degrees! What's 103 degrees…the temperature for the Jacuzzi? And people were actually out walking in that weather. Tie me to a fan and slide me a meal on a tray every few hours. I can't take it.

Until next week my people, I'm off to take a cold shower.