Wedding Woes

Even though I'm single, I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. More so about bad marriages. I'd hope to jump the broom one day but when I start thinking about some of the married guys I know who try to still mack on a regular; it stops me dead in my tracks! Many of them tell me they're upfront about their "situation" but qualify it by saying that they're separated and headed for divorce. What's more surprising to me is that this line seems to work more often than not. Is the man-drought really that bad that we'll take lay-a-way peen? The disrespecful environment for marriages is at an all time high. But it happens over and over until things get out of hand like the soon-to-be ex-wife inviting her rival to a Twitter beef, or an ex blasting her married lover's bidness on a billboard. I hate messy. To me, it's better to make a clean break first before starting anew, just sayin'. We all know though that's not gonna happen.  Ladies, do better!

Single, But Not The Cat Lady

There are a few things I know for sure in this world:
1. The tax man will always find you
2. The motor vehicle people always catch up to you
3. Mothers are almost always right, no matter how much you fight them
4. New Coke was the worst marketing decision ever

AND... 
5. People with more than a few cats may be on a slippery slope to craziness.

Friday night, ABC's "20/20" profiled women who went from cat-lovers to cat-fanatics to crazy cat ladies. It was like watching Hoarders: the cat edition!

(The Mickey Mouse network won't let me embed, so go here to watch the cat lady story.)

Now, the key thread in most of their stories: they're single.  I grabbed the remote and cringed like I was watching a train wreck, then promptly put all thoughts of getting a pet for companionship on the back burner. I confess, I have my share of brushes with loneliness from time to time. I find things to do and snap out of it. But watching the show made me wonder how bad does it have to be for someone to go from being a successful working woman with friends, to a lonely cat lady?

Where do you draw the line?

Source

Costco Hates Singles.....

"YOU PAY NOW!!!!!" That's how I feel in every store I go in as a single. I have a Costco card cause I feel all modern, 'in the know' ladies of style and fashion should. However, I always feel like a complete loser when I'm in there. The only thing that consoles me is the free food samples that I plan my lunch feeding around (you can get full in that mug with all the samples, YUMMY!) But you know the world, society or whatever conglomerate you wanna blame it on, really hates singles...... seriously!

I mean I don't deserve 40 steaks for $15.00??



10 pairs of mom jeans for $10.00??



40 gallons of Tide for $8.00??



6 bags of jumbo shrimp for $12.00???? So alone heffas have to pay full retail??? Really? Where's the justice in that???

I think they should open a discount warehouse exclusively for singles and if anyone married or otherwise attached tries to enter they get shot in the kneecaps. We singles have no rights in this country! Even when I buy these ginormous items I end up almost always having to throw some portion away, why you ask???? cause can one woman really eat a 40lb bag of cherries in a week??? So it's almost like singles are allowed membership in these matrimonial discount warehouses just to get screwed in the end anyway. Forkers!

The only thing that makes me feel better is stealing Crest White Strips....


at $34.00 a pop, single or not I ain't paying that much for white teeth, that is highway robbery! My mama is a fool but she ain't raise no fool!

38, Single and Accepting It.....

I have gray pubic hair, yes I do. I know I should be ashamed to admit that but I am not! I’ve earned them and I wear them with pride. I wish I could laminate them and keep it in my wallet to show people when they shove pictures of their mixed babies (mixed with baboon and human) in my face, that’ll learn they asses! But the gray pubes put me in a contemplative state. How is such a hot, fiery, spicy thang like myself still single?? Now I don’t believe in looking for anything, least of all a man but it would be a lie to say that I don’t often ponder this single thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I won’t get into how hot I am but rest assured no one has ever turned to stone looking at me. So yeah I do wonder, “what gives?” I truly believe what’s for you will be yours, no looking required. I thought about it and realized there are many possible reasons why I’m still dolo. So many possibilities in fact that it became necessary to make this a bulleted list:

• I ideally want to be with a single man. Yeah I know, that’s so 1970’s, ya know a single gal linking up with a single guy. Sue me! Label me old fashioned but it’s what I want. All you sorta married (means they're married but because he dates his definition is a lil loosey goosey), kinda engaged, sorta living with someone who you have regular coitus with.... please drink Clorox and die! I have had it!

• I want someone who has already done the 3somes, 4somes, or churchsomes (ya’ll know damn well after church folks be linkin up for some group “halley-berry-lu-yer!!!!” time, if you know what I mean????). But seriously what I’m really saying here is please have all that passion for exotical sex outta your system. I love the sex (yes, the sex) just as much as the next undercover hoebag but come on sir, a sista got bad knees! Who got time for all that?

• I want someone who makes me laugh. I know you’re waiting for more to this one but that’s it. The end. Making me laugh will get you very close to obtaining the key to my heart. Notice I said close…. The other part involves a steak, a yummy side of your choosing and some top of the line Indian/Brazilian/Peruvian human hair. Oh yeah, men ain’t the only ones who get weak in the knees over some good ass grub. GET IN MAH BELLY!!!! And well the man who gets on board with me and fully understands my passion for hair that isn’t mine, well that man will have me at “hey, is that all your hair?”

• Now this next one usually gets a lot of thongs and granny pannies in a bunch cause people aren’t supposed to be honest in expressing that they want someone who doesn’t make them squint when they look at them. WELL TOUGH TITTIES!!! I want a looker! Someone who makes my loins dance with joy at the thought of them. You’re supposed to want a person for who they are on the inside right? Well I partially agree with this, if I can’t envision you and your software inside me then your outside does not compute with my vagi-cat mainframe, in essence, we got nothin! Now we all know every persons eyes sees beauty differently but ain’t it funny how the lines are never skewed when it comes to ugly?? Ugly kicks the door down like “BOO YAH!!!! IN YO FACE!!!” yeeeeeaaaaaaa, not in my face homeboy…… not in my face and certainly no where near my love vacuum (the vagi-cat).

• I want someone who will not be up in my muthaeffin face all the time! I mean ok ok ok, were in love, great! Whoooooo hoooooo! And all that, but mofo get an interest! Read a book! Go be a big brother to one of these pant sagging wearing aholes running the streets, become a manicurist, audition for “So You Think You Can Dance” go to IT Tech and learn a trade…… I don’t care what you do but stay outta my uretha from time to time if you want our love to flourish. If I feel like you’re an uninvited intruder in my anus I will start finding all kinds of reasons to throw you back in the water. I want to be loved but I don’t need to be anyone’s everything, that’s the ish that got Nicole Simpson and her boo stabbed 5, 847 times by OJ (yeah, he did it).

• Definitely don’t like “Donny the Downer” types. Man up son! Yes life throws us some frightful curves, I get it, but you are a man! You cannot unravel at the seams. I have a bit of an ego problem and so should he. It’s keeps you self-assured and grounded and that is so very appealing. Even Beyonce knows what I mean….. “Ego so big, I must admit, I got every reason to feel like I’m that bitch!” BOO YAH!!!

• At my age it would prove near impossible to find a man without children ( I don’t have any myself). But please for the love of Eartha Kitt have a mature relationship with the child’s mother. I’m not impressed by comments like “yeah his mom is a biyatch”, “yeah she’s nuts”, “yeah she be wantin me to pay for stuff for the kid,” “yeah she be wantin me to babysit my son too much” and let me just say this real quick (IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BABYSIT A CHILD YOUR SPERM MADE!!!) it just isn’t! It’s called spending time with your offspring! Ok so basically what I’m saying is I don’t want no parts of a man who’s involved in daily mishaps with his ex over the kids. Now because a crapload of men go through this, this eliminates a great deal of them as options for myself. ***sigh***

• I want someone who isn’t common, extraordinary even. Don’t do common ish like cheat on me cause it’s a Tuesday or have sex with my grandmother on the 1st of the month so you can get a cut of her SS check. Be original, sit me down and talk to me when you start feeling a disconnect between us or when your peen starts telling you it wants to do the stanky leg in other women.

• I want someone who dreams, (not like the 40 year old guy I know who makes collages of magazine pics of women with stank-a-dank –dank asses and b-ball players who thinks he will be drafted into the NBA at the age of 40) someone who is always thinking, “ok I accomplished this, what next?” That’s so sexy to me. Not in the he got mad, crazy stupid “swagger” way (a word I’m starting to detest) but sexy in a “his wheels are always spinning” way. Never complacent.

So in trying to make some sense of all of this I think it’s fair to say I don’t want anything outlandish. So hey! The future is a mystery, I could meet someone today that can potentially be my guy or for all I know I might already know him. Either way, I keep on pressing on. Besides when I really think about it, I don’t know how eager I really am to be a girlfriend… After getting felt up the other day and the catastrophe that nearly ensued when I guess in his accelerated desire for me, dude started attempting to go rummaging through my weave; I’m thinking I might be good. This is imported hur! not that local BSS store mess, no sir! Me and my vagi-cat were too through with him!

NEXT!!!!

Is Dating Dead?

Remember when boys used to pinch and elbow you in class to show they liked you? That led to them making you check 'yes' or 'no' to profess your love (or, your dislike) for them. If you played your cards right, the next step was something my aunties always referred to as courting. That's some ancient process where the guy rolls out the red carpet for your affection.

I think the art of courting died somewhere circa 1950-ish. These days, you're lucky if you get a Can I come over? text, or a What you doin' tonight? e-mail. And don't hold your breath for him providing you with a meal because he's coming over to your house to eat the food you bought and cooked in your kitchen.

So I ask, what happened to dating? Does anyone go on actual Would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday at 8 at Chez Whitey? dates anymore? Is dating dead or are men just cheap? Or, maybe women are giving the goods away without the need for the dates? Perhaps since courting died, no one really knows HOW to date anymore.

Not to toot my own stuff, but I think I'm well-worthy of being asked out, putting on some nice duds, being driven in your car (on your gas dime) and taken some place decent (it doesn't have to be Le Cirque but it can't be In & Out burger either) for a meal that comes with no strings attached. Unless, of course, a sista wants some after-dinner strings... hey, we all have needs & I don't judge.

In return for these dates, I will provide you with my undivided attention, my witty banter, my blinging smile (no, I don't have diamonds in my teeth) and, perhaps, some of the good softlip when the date is over (the lips on my FACE... get your mind out of the gutter!).

Now, you don't have to take me out three times a week (I do have other things going on). And I'm well aware there's a recession going on. But it would be nice to get a weekly offer to do SOMETHING (dinner, movie, ice skating, concert, museum trip, walk in the park, go karting, kumbaya-singing... something that brings us closer together)! These are all things we women ultimately wind up doing with our girlfriends. Some of my best 'dates' have been with my crew. Damn shame my girls love me better than any man ever has.

Women shouldn't have to beg for a man's time and likewise, we shouldn't have to plan everything either. It wouldn't kill you to shave, put on some real pants and take us out. Man up and take charge... we like that, no matter how independent we are or may seem.

I'm tired of dating myself, dammit!!!