Dear Kiely Williams...

Dear Kiely,


I know it’s hard to grow up and shed your lollipop image when you’re a former child star. Everyone remembers you as the non-singing one from 3LW and the awkwardly tall Cheetah Girl with the Chiclet teeth. So, now, you’re trying to “grow up” and you’re using the most awful trick from the Pop Starlet’s handbook: do some hoe shyt to get noticed. Grant it, it’s worked for a few, more talented people and starlets with better PR machines (looking at you, Kim Kardashian). But you are no Kardashian, sweetheart. And this new piece of Brewshyt video that you’ve put out is far short of “Spectacular.”

I suggest you just model or something. It works for Cassie.

Celebrity Concern Letter: Mel B

Dear Mel,

My Granny used to tell me that when a women does something drastic to her hair it usually means there is Brewshyt going on in her life. Whatever the case may be this latest do is not the business. You're too cute for this ignance and while we're on the topic stop passing down bad acts of hair to your kids as well.

Love,
A Witch

Celebrity Concern Letter: Kelis Jones......

Dear Kells,

If this is what you're resorting to to make the ends meet Kells then I'm all for your getting $50,000 a month in child support from Nasir Jones... I know these wardrobe picks seems fun and quirky now, but what will lil Midnight, Noche, Gladys Knight (man whatever your son's name is) think when he starts school and the kids wanna know if his mama is still sippin on that sizz-urp????

Kells cut the crap!!!! I miss the "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!" Kelis, can she make an appearance soon???? Pretty please?

Thanks,

Love "Citizens in Support of Sane Parents"

P.S. Your body is tight though...... ("no homo" as they say on the innawebs)

Celebrity Concern Letter: Jasmine Guy

I fear this letter comes about 10 years too late, but well I was probably just hoin' tooling around on AIM back then. So here I go...

Dear Jasmine,

First lemme start out by saying I stan for some Whitley Gilbert. I remember every ugly ass pullover with pearls outfit, and can tell you that I cried and cheered when you dumped that annoying ass Byron at the altar. So it is with great regret to inform you, that well.. BooBoo, your black has cracked. I don't know how, I don't know why you have been fated to be the exception to the BLACK DON'T CRACK rule. Who the hell did you piss off? What karmic penance are you serving? Did you not hear about the wonders of sunscreen and HATS?

I am so excited for you whenever I see that you have a job. For real, I love Whitley that much. And I love that I don't know enough of your business to dislike you. So, I was particularly joyful to see you on The Vampire Diaries (great show!), but playing someone's grandmother at "48"...(Hollywood math would make you about 52), much less a 16 year old girl, who is clearly at least 23. You should have punched your agent in the nose when you first read the sides and found out your name was 'GRAMS'! And adding insult to injury, YOU DIED last episode! Well, I hope you do some kind of a haunting. It's been great (though cause for concern) seeing you!

PS.

This used to be my JAM! Stupid embedding won't work, go HERE

Dear Usher...

...what the hell was this?

And what are you wearing?

That is all.

[Alternate vid links here and here.]

Video via yardie4lifever2

Dear Jennifer Lopez

Since when do you wear the same thing twice? What have motherhood and marriage done to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know kids = priorities and all that shizz.  But, I want the old, selfish, diva antics JLo back. The one who paid a guy to make something called “body bling” and spray on her make-up so she always looked tan. I want the JLo back who wears showstopping plunging necklines and does lame-ish remixes with Ja Rule (insert other, more popular rapper's name here). You wore this hellish catsuit for the world to see on New Year’s Eve and here you are, rocking it again over the weekend? What gives? I know times are rough for most Americans, but cot dammit you are J-muthajumpin-Lo. If you have to repeat your gear, then recession reality really hits home for the rest of us.  I mean, I can wear the same jeans Monday – Wednesday, but you? You do not repeat outfits. C'mon, Jennifer!

And don't even get me going on that silver "I am Sasha Fierce" get up. *iSigh*

Images via Holla

Celebrity Concern Letter: Dear Nas

Dear Nas,

I'm not tryna start no trouble or nuffin... but you may want to look into if this is where your "child support" money has gone. An irresponsible monochromatic melange of varied and diverse textures... shiny, skins, metallics, glitters, studs, zippers, a tube of Ru Paul's Viva Glam and one dead Yeti. Get your girl.

Celebrity Concern Letter: Dear Britney

My dearest Britney,

Like me, you are a woman of a certain age. Your body has pushed out two kids, rather back-to-back too, I might add. Now, don't get me wrong, you are in great shape and you're getting your life together post KFC 2-piece and a biscuit K-Fed. Kudos for that, fo' real, ya'll. But, boo, you need a bra. It's a must after about, saaayyyyyy, age 15. The world does not need to know your nips are headed south. Please, put an underwire on it!

Celebrity Concern Letter.

Dear Serena,

I like looking at your boyfriend's face, maybe it's the freckles, I don't know. Something about him makes me think he smells so good. However Serena, you are distracting me, with the Sharpie action on your brow area. What did I ever do to you?

We at the Brew have applauded your transformation from hot mess to swan. So take our advice, the extra skrong brow you are working, is the first step to this:

Cut it out!

P.S.- You may want to check into the dude that is sensually stroking your man's 'spot'...unless you guys get down like that. Hey... no Judgements at the Brew!