Celebrity Letter: Dhani Jones

Dear Dhani,

I've been waiting for months to see you tackle the globe again while I think sessy thoughts of sacking you! Well tonight is our night! I hope the show producers got all 319 of my voice mail messages to include more episodes where you're required to unclothe, wrestle, or swim so water can DRIP..ALL..OVER..YOUR..BODY! Anyway, I'll see you at 11pm  tonight for our "date". 

P.S. Call me :)

Love,
A Witch

Celebrity Letter: Katie Holmes

Dear Katie, or "Kate" as your crazy significant other likes to call you. WHAT. IS. THE. MEANING. OF. THIS? Tom Cruise sucked the life out of yous and now your tittays are ready to get a job on the late shift! Please beam up to Xenu and retrieve your swag, stat! Or at least bring back a better fitting space bra or something! This is some glib Brewshyt right here. Love ya, bye!
Courtesy: Dlisted

Dear Serena…

Um… dayum!

Is she rocking the Madonna lace glove though?

Spotted

Brew Pics: Strangé

Dear Grace Jones,

Not too sure what's going on in that pubic region... I mean, it could be that you're on Mo'Nique status in that there crotch area or maybe that's razor rash. I dunno. Whatever it is... you are 61 and still working it so I'm inclined to give you a pass today. Take dat, take dat, Lady Gaga!

Pics via Bauer

Dear Usher...

...what the hell was this?

And what are you wearing?

That is all.

[Alternate vid links here and here.]

Video via yardie4lifever2

Celebrity Letter: Julissa Bermudez

Dear Julissa,

I haven't seen much of you lately but I hear you are starting to get some work now which is always a good thing. I know since you went away from 106th and Backyard things have changed. There are lots of little ladies on the scene like Rihanna, Solange and Keri Hilson who are oh so edgy. I get it..one has to stand out in a group of duplicates..BUT I'ma need you not to ever, EVA, EVA, travel that same road. It doesn't work for you boo. I cram to understand this outfit. You're too cute for this BREWSHYT!

Love,
The Witches

Celebrity Love Letter: My DC Crush

Dear Kal Penn,

I have a confession. I've been walking around at lunch time hoping for a 'Kal Penn' sighting. Not in a stalker-y way, just in a hmmm.."wonder if Kumar er-Kal REALLY gave up acting to work at the Obama Administration. Ooh is that a rabid squirrel attacking that tourist? I think I want tacos for dinner..." way.

So, imagine my school girl glee when I not only bumped right smack into you but BOOB grazed you as I turned the corner, from exiting my day gig, last evening.

I love a loin jumping beefy man as much as the next chick...but give me a smart and funny one any day!

P.S.

Wanna meet for a nooner?

Celebrity Love Letter: Pharell

I've stood by a lot with you man. You sexy lil mofo. I have BEEN THERE FOR YOU!
I loveded you mostly thru the skateboardin' and ass-shakin' beats, nothing like a cutie on a half pike to get this cougar all nostalgic like.

I turned a closed eye to the experimenting you were doing with that little fancy fellow from Chicago. But you know hey- I'm willing to let a man be a well manicured man who hangs out while matching with another well manicured man. I'm giving like that.

And like an understanding woman, I said 'wow, great I idea, baby!' as you decided to laser off layers of arm meat to get rid of those sleeves of inkage.

But there is where I draw the line, Bucko! I cannot let you stand there looking like a sawed off Paddington Bear, playing dress up in your daddy's boots! Where the hell are your legs, maing?!

GET IT TOGETHER THELONIOUS P!

Celebrity Letter: Early 90's Bobby Brown

Dear Early 90's Every Little Step You Take Bobby Brown,

Word of advice. You should probably take it easy on the partying. I know it can be tempting... people are probably tossing you giant bags of coke brought in on a whore's back on a daily basis.
But don't sniff it, shoot it or, smoke it, JUST SAY NO! Go to the studio and work on your craft (stage humping), or hell get your GED and go to Sanz school! Trust me.
Oh and when you meet this realllllly pretty lady from New Jersey who can sang her face off. Just give her a smile and go the other way. Seriously.

Oh don't believe me?

I want to show you something. If you continue on this misguided path as the 'king of r&b' (the all lower caps are quite intentional)...

This is you and what you can pull in 2009.

Totally fucked up, isn't it? You coulda stayed in Roxbury for this shit.

Celebrity Letter: The Smiths

Dear Simone and LL, 

Every time I see ya'll I get a little misty eyed. Then, I snap to my senses, man up and mean mug a b*&tch.  You give me hope that true love really exists and you look so happy together. Not to say your relationship hasn't been through the ringer. Anytime you're with a man during the time he's supposed to be "sowing his wild oats", a woman is going to take some L's (no pun intended), but I like that you have kept it together since Farmers Boulevard. If you break up who will be my role model couple? Dwayne and Siovaughn? That "Union" is dunzo. Pepa and Treach? Old news, plus he beat her so bad she had to write a book about it. Johnny Gill and Eddie Murphy? Naw...those two bottoms haven't been seen together in a minute. See what I mean? LL maybe in between selling clothes at JC Penney's you should conduct relationship seminars and let these brothas know, after you lick your lips a few times, that it's okay to "put a ring out it". 

Love,

Me

Celebrity Letter: Sanaa Lathan

Dear Sanaa, you are my "girl crush" for so many reasons. You're classy, not trashy and the cameras never catch you out doing "hood rat stuff". You're the anti-Gabrielle Union. You're in two of my favorite movies and for that, hats off. Plus, you're an Ivy League girl, which means you've got smart real good. So why are you suddenly hanging with Kim Kard-ass-ian? I'm not understanding the flow here. You're both hot, but with her it's a different kind. I mean didn't she make a sex tape with Ray-J? Girl my granny always said pick your friends like you pick your fruit! This reality-show whore will suck the swagga from you with the quickness. Plus, she "smashed the homie"!

Celebrity Letter: J-No

Dear Jenny,
What happened to the block? All you seem to do lately is show up at events and pose for pictures with that fugazee mouth pout thing you do. It's really sad to see you struggling to remain relevant. I have heard that sometimes marriage sucks the life out of the sexy. Maybe that's the case here. I mean your husband does kinda look like an insect and insects do spend most of their days sucking blood and other fluids out of stuff. Maybe Marc got hongray? I have followed your career from the beginning when you were bragging about riding the "No. 6" and riding hard for Diddy. Man, you could dance your ass off! I excused all the marriages because that's life and sometimes you have to do hood rat stuff. Now I'm really afraid that your career is in the shitter with the kids that I just dropped off at the pool. Maybe it was the terrible movie scripts. Do you wake up in a sweat whenever you think of "Gigli"? Maybe it was the rumors about your ties to Scientology? Cults are never a good look. Methinks it's time for a little reflection period, stat. Max and Emme, come get yo momma!

Celebrity Letter: Special Ed

Dear Special Ed,

I've been looking under rocks, park benches and between my couch cushions for you since elementary school. You fell off the radar faster than Chi Ali after the Video Jukebox Network went kaput. I used to call for "I Got It Made" every day. I couldn't wait to get home and toss my uniform on the floor, put on my Hammer pants and get to crankin'. Okay, I'm saying too much.

Your wavy locks and silky skin made you so 'zotic. But then you left me, tarnishing my love of pretty boys. All this time I've been looking for you and all it took was for D-Nice to unearth you? Spesh, why you treat me so bad? Didn't I treat you like you were the magnificent?


True Hip-Hop Stories: Special Ed from D-Nice on Vimeo.

Celebrity Letter: Bow "Weak"zy

Dear Bow Wow, I'ma need for you to find something to do. I liked you when you first came out because you were little and cute. Now, you're still little but not so cute. Your studio gangsta steeze is really getting my panties in a bunch. It seems that all you do is pick fake beefs with your birdie chest stuck out. So now I hear that you're going after Lil Wayne and Kanye West for using auto tune when they rap? Okay, I kinda see your point, it can be a bit irritating, but then again, so can you. So how about you turn all that little napoleon complex fueled fury to your producers who set you up big time on your latest flop? Just a suggestion, goodbye!

Celebrity Letters: Madonna and Angelina Jolie

Dear Madge and Angie:
I am combining your letters because I still need to eat lunch and do some hood rat stuff. I'm putting all attempts at compassion and consideration on hold for a minute to ask both of yutz exactly why do you thinking copping abandoned African kids is the new fresh? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for anything that helps the Motherland, but didn't you pass like 50-11 orphanages in the states before boarding your private planes pointed towards Malawi and Ethiopia? How about starting at home first? The fact that you travel to such lengths makes me question your motives. Like your on some Bono steeze, Nickelodeon-style. What, little black babies here at home aren't exotic enough? I'm just saying. And, while we're on the topic, if you are going to cop one like a new purse, please ask your nannies to research Dominican hair spots and barbers in your respective cities and get their hair did. If you're going to mother a black baby, just know, hair is a really big deal to us. I know Zahara can't complain yet to you Ang that her hair game is a dusty cotton ball and David can't find a way yet to tell you Madonna about his need for a fresh line and lubricant for that thirsty situation, but they will, oh they will! Goodbye.