Pupil Service Announcement

I must speak out on some Brewshyt that is taking place in communities and hoods everywhere: color contacts! THEY. MAKE. ME . ITCH! I understand it's not as common for coloreds to have pretty pupils but Brewchies please refrain from this practice stat! We oftentimes equate lighter colored eyes with the European standard of beauty that has been forced down our throats for centuries. Stop it and claim your original eye color. The eyes are the windows to the soul, so why ya'll tinting the windows? If White Jesus wanted you to have Rihanna peepers, guess what? You would of had them! Now I don't expect everyone to quit cold turkey, Negrids are hard headed to say the least and some of you have been rocking them so long, you've convinced people that they're your real eyes. Nevermind you had dark brown eyes in your second grade class picture, you swore they starting turning hazel in third grade. If we witches cannot convince you to part with your plastic peepers at least make sure they match your skin tone.

Yeah, Okay....

So we have a white Dallas Cowboys cheerleader crip walking in black face and a black man trying to erase the black from his face. Confused much? Former slugger Sammy Sosa has finally shed some "light" (pun intended) on his new-high-yella-skinned steeze. The Dominican-born baseball player drew criticism when he showed up at an event nine shades lighter and rocking green contacts. His friends initially flocked to his defense stating that he was undergoing "skin rejuvenation" after years of playing in the sun. I guess Sammy's ass knew that sounded like some brewshyt so he came clean telling a reporter:
"I use a cream to keep my skin smooth and soft.  I apply it before I go to bed.  When I was playing for Chicago all those years, I was under the sun a lot for 1 o'clock games." "The flashes also made my skin look lighter. I'm surprised with the controversy this has caused."
Sammy said he's thinking about endorsing the skin product but refused to name it and only revealed that it was European. Wow, I would have never thought a skin whitening product would have come from EUROPE! Sosa denied hating his skin color and trying to look like Michael Jackson. I know if my husband came out the house looking like a broke down Latin lounge singer we would have had words before taking a detour to the closest MAC store for some Studio Fix, stat! This is unacceptable.

Brew Crime Files: Manhunt Underway

Just when you think you've heard the worst that humanity has to offer, something worse happens that makes you wanna go and shank a mofo. Police in Naples, Fl and Haiti are on the hunt for 33-year-old Mesac Damas who's wife and 5 children were found brutally murdered in their home. Word on the curb is that Damas fled to his native Haiti. The three boys and two girl ranged in age from 11 months to 9 years. Two of their throats were reportedly slit. Dude, "Hell's calling, line 4"!
Source

WTF Files: It's Bananas!

Who thought this Motley Crew would take Cabbage Patch kids down for the count? Costco has pulled its "Cuddle With Me" doll off its perch next to the Mom jeans and Snuggies after customers flooded complaint lines angry that the little beebeh, furry pal and big ass banana were offensive. Yah think? When is it ever a "light bulb" moment to pair up monkeys with anything ethnic? I'm offended cuz they all look hot as hell up in that tight ass box. So what is that box represent? The Projects? Is this Marcy son? I'm just sayin'.....

Light is Right!: Woman says being light skinned has made her life better

*sigh* and the ignorance rages on...... Homeskillet here says Halle is not talented and won the Oscar cause she's light (now I'm not a fan of the acting that won Halle that Oscar either but I don't think she won cause she's fair) and she feels President Obama would not be President if he were "8 shades darker" her words, not mine. First the jiggaboos vs. wannabees party, now this. What do you think?

I wanna hear from you privileged high yellas...... lol! Is this Laura Izibor knock off speaking the truth??? Caller you say what?

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Look at this ignorant ass flyer I came across..... smh

Let's Discuss this "Ride or Die' phenomenon.....

Hmmm ok, so you are proud to proclaim that you are a "ride or die" chick. You're the kinda chick that will walk so your man can get where he has to go comfortably.... in your car. You will eat chicken ass and give your man the breast meat cause well, dat's ya boo! If he says "baby let me hold $20 til Friday" you give him $100 cause, well, dat's ya boo! and you are his down ass bitch. Like duh!

So where do you draw the line though with all this ride or die business? See cause me, while I loves to ride, I dies for no one. If the police roll up and wanna know who the white powder belongs to I will dime you out so fast your ass will see tattle tale smoke! I don't see the valor in taking the fall for an assbesol who gets by in life by jumping from one criminal deed to another. I will not have this kind of man's back cause quite frankly this kind of man wouldn't be allowed in my cipha to begin with.

Taraji's character in "Baby Boy" was a ride or die chick I suppose.



And what happened? She got her ass driven to work everyday while her man rode around and went on dates in her whip on a daily basis. And her reward for being a ride or die??? getting picked up from work only to find condoms in her car! yeeeeeaaaaaa, hmmmm. I don't know about riding but somebody would surely be dying if that was me.

The only time I might possibly make an exception is if he were involved in some kinda black market Indian remy hair scheme..... for some good hur I might catch a bid..... real talk.

Wanna lose 15-35 lbs in a week? Take a dump!

She's back ya'll! and as your resident shitologist it is my civic duty to present you with the "feed your vagicat yogurt" lady! She says the key to losing a huge amount of weight in a short amount of time is a super duper clean colon. Hmmmm...... now ya'll know I'm a huge fan of the colonic and have already booked my summer cleanse at the shit spa and while I do feel quite footloose and fancy free when it's done, I never lose this stupid amount of weight. But hey, I guess it doesn't hurt to give her videos a looksie, especially for those who are still a lil squeamish about the whole colonic thing, at least with her method you can do it in the comfort of your home....

I quite enjoy her and I absolutely love the lil naughty nurse outfit..... she brings me joy because well.... Imma be nice. Til next time, keep those colons clean people! toodles!

The "Jesus Take The Wheel" Files: Mackin hoes on my bandwidth....

Ok, all jokes aside, seriously Jesus....... you must take the wheel already!

Ya know, I really wanna know what is it about my computer that makes mafuggas always wanna check their shit at my house. So some nights ago I had a visitor......or a gentleman caller let's say and were sitting down talking, chattin, spittin that boy/girl ying yang back and forth and out the corner of my eye I see him eyein my laptop like it's a cheeseburger (and yes it's not your imagination, I correlate everything with food) and then he drops the bomb, "hey can I use your computer real quick?" I say "sure, knock yourself out" (cause that's the kinda black Nubian queen I am). So he uses it, checks whatever it is he's checking and that's the end of it or so I thought anyway. Well this morning after my shit, shower and shave (ok well I didn't have to shit nor did I shave) I make myself a little pre-work snack (not to be confused with the 'at-work' snack) and log on my computer and low and behold ole boy never logged out of his email account. Now I have to preface this by stating I am not a 'nosy, go lookin for shit I already know the answer to' type of lady, to me snooping is for losers and dummies, however if shit drops in my lap....... well you know the rest.

So I read a couple of his emails and all the lines are the same, I mean dude has no creativity in the game he's spittin to us. Were all absolutely gorgeous, all of our bodies are outta control, he has an amazing/unusual connection with all of us, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not mad at him for keeping his tales and compliments consistent so as to not confuse matters, he's single so mingle I suppose, but what I am mad at is him not having the presence of mind to log out!!!! or better yet, CHECK YOUR FOCKIN EMAIL WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS AHOLE!!!!

Exactly where do men with even a little sense reside? In Idaho perhaps?

What's the real estate market lookin like in ole potato land? I do make a kick ass potato salad........

The "Jesus Take The Wheel" Files: Punks and Computers......

Ok so peep this gem I got from some lil young punk:

whats up lil ma i was just browsin through and your pic caught my eye and to let u no u lookin good lil ma a lil bout me im brown skinned 5'6 braids bo leggs and muscles im also coo laid bac nice smart good sense of humor and likes to have fun coo to be around good head on shoulders so if u like what u heard then holla bac at ya boi holla one luv and peace out o yea the pics will be on soon u lookin good to be 38

Lil ma??? Lil fuckin ma? I'm the biggest bitch this side of DC! and this young fucker is calling me Lil ma???????

"I'm 5'6 braids bo legs and muscles" - Oh yummy , I just creamed myself reading that, you sound like a strapping lad just waiting for me to mount you! Oh sweet Jesus and then you have muscles?!! I don't think I could even dream up a better body on a man, short with braids and muscles, jackpot! I need to play lotto today

He's also coo laid back, fun and coo to be around. For shits and giggles let's assume coo is kin to cool and call that one a day.

"If I like what I heard" - liked it???? I LOVED IT! How often does a 5'8ish, sturdy woman like myself get the opportunity to possibly meet a man 5'6 with braids and muscles, sheeeiiittt I'd be a damn fool not to snatch you up.

"U lookiin good to be 38" - that's right my young, dumb friend, always end it with a crescendo! "old biddy I sho would love to stick my under aged penis in your elderly puss" woulda sufficed though.

WOWZA!!! Jesus take the wheel already man!!!

Flying Foolery at the MTV Awards

Flying foolerly at the MTV Awards. To promote his new movie, Sacha Baron Cohen decided to make a grand gay entrance from up above right onto Eminem's lap, spread ass eagle wearing only wings and a smile! Check Em's face yelling for his crew, pure comedy!!! Em's boys start throwing blows and feathers went a flying. Em, tell me how his ass tastes?!?!

Benjamin Button Files: Red Alert

What in the FredSanfordblackundereyecirclesnappyheadedhoe ish is this about? Geesh Red Alert, you were one of my hip hop idols. You made me want to be from New York. WTF happened? This can't be your life now -- all sweaty, disheveled and without most of yo teefs? Get a makeover, stat! Why must I make this blog cry?

Sleepwalking and Sexing???!!

I just read this at Slate.com...I couldn't possibly summarize this AT ALL. I just needed to reprint. WTH??

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for "errands" and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f--k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

Dear Scared,
It's hard to believe that the pharmaceutical industry has already solved two of our most vexing problems: How to get men to do weekend chores, and how to induce attractive strangers to have sex with you while being able to swear that you haven't cheated. If this gets around, soon we'll be living in a world where people are gobbling Ambien out of Pez containers. Driving, eating, even trying to cast congressional votes while under the influence of Ambien are all well-documented. Scroll around the Internet and you will also find individual accounts of Ambien-fueled sex—which the nondrugged participants claim is more creative and uninhibited than when their partner is awake. However good you may have been in bed, you need to keep the other woman from contacting you and asking for further services. Call her and try to explain. Tell her that, as hard as it is to believe, you have recently been prescribed several medications, you accidentally mixed them up, and as a result you have no memory of the events of the weekend. Say you're very sorry if you behaved irresponsibly but that you can't be in touch with her. Don't ask for details—you want to preserve your amnesiac deniability. And since you don't know what you did, you're hardly in a position to confess anything to your wife. From now on, when you have trouble drifting off, forget the Ambien and brew yourself a nice cup of chamomile tea.

—Prudie