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Witches' Brew: February 2009

Saturday, February 28, 2009

From the WTF Files: Reunited and it feels so???

Too bad I didn't place a bet on this...I wouldn't have needed that Mega Millions ticket. reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna are reunited like Peaches and Herb. The two are spending some QT together at one of Diddy's homes in Miami (that's Chris over there jet skiing his cares away). Why does Diddy have to be at the heart of every controversy? Anyway, Knockout Chris reportedly called Rihanna on her birthday last week and I'm guessing that kicked off the reunion. Still no word yet if Brown will actually be charged for the beat down. So, will Chris lose more fans for the slug fest or will Rihanna for taking him back?

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Friday, February 27, 2009

Get Your Shine On...While You Can

Come and get you some diamonds! The Zales jewelry chain is saying ‘so long’ to 115 of its poor performers. The stores will close over the next 16 months. That means, 245 people will lose their jobs. Zales has reported a 20% drop in sales. The cuts will save the jeweler about $34 million. No word on what stores will be shut down…but a cheap diamond is better than no diamond at all. Ladies, get your right hands ready!

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Fontin’ Like Obama

Ok, this Obama madness has gone too far. Now, we can write like him too! A Tennessee company called Insigne Design is selling a font called “44th President.” The font is based on President Obama’s lefty handwriting. You can download it for $15.95 (a portion of the proceeds go to charity). Wonder how long it'll take before some knucklehead starts forging BHO's signature and selling it as the "official" autograph. Hmmm, now that's an idea!

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Like Father, Like Son

Ugh! Jem spent the night surrounded by the locals at the hospital with a bout of abdominal pains. Guess JJD should have been drinking Fawnda’s green tea smoothies. Anywho, my people, Jem is back and in fighting form. Take that! And Jem’s got news from the young, up and coming fashion world. Turns out, Oscar de la Renta’s son, Moises, is turning out a clothing line. Talk about stuntin’ like yo daddy. My, how Jem loves her Dominicans. Viva Dominicana! The MDLR line debuts this season and word on the curb is many items will sell for under $1000…hello recession! We hear Moises will roll out looks ranging from the LBD to stretchy leather pants. We all need a little stretch sometimes.


Adopt ME Uncle Russey

People magazine reports Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons have reached a custody agreement for their daughters. And, it's a SWEET deal! Simmons will pay $20,000 per month PER CHILD until Ming (9) and Aoki (6) turn 19. Fab Kimora also got sole custody of the two. Uncle Russey can still visit the girls but WITH a nanny and security. Really? Russell will also provide a new car every three years until the girls turn 16. In true Kimora style, the car must be worth at least $60,000. Kimora is now knocked up with actor Djimon Hounsou's seed. Give us, us free!

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Culture: Music for Colored Girls, when Radio Ready R & B isn't enough...(a Friday playlist)

The Mars Volta- Goliath

Ethero- If the Mood

Sy Smith- Aquarius Rising

TV On The Radio- Province

Janelle Monet - Let It Go

Vikter Duplaix- Sensuality

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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Fired… by letter

Rather than fire the buffoons behind the monkey cartoon, the New York Post fired Liz Smith -an institution in the gossip world- instead. And, yup, you guessed it, the economy is to blame. The real kicker is Smith was notified of the firing via letter. A letter she received 10 days after the fact. The 86-year-old’s column has appeared in the Post for 30 years. Smith calls her lay-off “emasculating.” Now, we know Lizzie loves the ladeeez, but can a lady be emasculated? I’m just asking.
Anywho, peep her interview with CNN’s John Roberts…

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Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Two Arizona teens have been accused of running their own brothel. CNN reports the girls' pimp game was so tight, they rented an apartment SOLELY for the hookin'.
16-year-old Tatiana Tye and 16-year-old Jazmine Finley, were indicted earlier this week by a grand jury. The two were nabbed after a 5-month investigation. Police say the two bragged about the money they could make to help recruit 5 girls from their high schools. Of course, one of the girls has emerged as the snitch. Tye blames Finley for introducing her to the pimpin' game.
It's hard out here for a... you know.

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I Like The Barrrrrtender

In these tough economic times, more people are hitting the bar. Not just for a few dranks though… for some tips! MSNBC reports the art of slanging drinks is booming these days.
Bartenders can make $15 - $30 an hour behind the bar. Enrolling in bartending courses though is no chump change if you’ve been laid off. You’ll need to pull together about $600 for the courses and devote a couple weeks to the training. Bartending schools in Tennessee are reporting a 2-week waiting period just to sign up. Of course, while you're waiting to enroll, you could always throw a rent party and charge people for the red cups.

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Health: Throwing in the Towel?

File this one under health news of the absurd. An Ohio women lived for 7 years with surgical towel inside her body. When Bonnie Valle died in June 2002 she donated her body to research. During a dissection, a surgical cloth the size of a large hand towel was found behind her left lung. Valle had surgery for emphysema at the Cleveland Clinic back in 1995. She always told family members that she felt something odd in her chest following the procedure, but doctors told her it was normal to feel that way after surgery and the feeling would eventually go away. Anymalpracticesuitway, the feeling never did. She died but doctors argued that it wasn't from the towel but emphysema. The family reached a settlement with the hospital. My Granny always feared hospitals now I see why. WTF? Fawnda freaked out when she read this headline! Now I need a drink, but red wine only, since it's healthier. I'll tackle that topic in my next post.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Culture: K'NAAN

On Monday, The Kennedy Center kicked off its $10 million, three-week festival, "Arabesque: Arts of the Arab World," featuring 800 artists from 22 different countries including Iraq, Lebanon, Egypt, Somalia and Sudan.
Organizers say that makes it the largest presentation of Arab arts ever in the United States.
Check out the schedule, there's a LOT of good stuff going on!
Of Note:

This Friday 2/27 K'NAAN performs a free concert at The Millennium Stage...cute, talented and free. That's a hot tri-fecta, right there! Doors open at 6. Get there know free is an aphrodisiac!

McQueen Lands At Tarjay!

You've got a week to get your money right!

Alexander McQueen’s new line for Target hits stores in just 7 days (on March 4th). The fab fashionisto kicks off Target’s new “Designer Collaborations,” which the retailer hopes will be an ongoing program to bring big named designers to its stores. The launch comes as Isaac Mizrahi leaves Target’s racks.
Target already has a designer program called “Go International,” featuring hot young designers like Proenza Schouler, Luella Bartley and Behnaz Sarafpour.

Word is the line will be similar to McQueen's cheaper McQ designs and feature skinny jeans, bubble dresses and skirts with a rock ‘n roll edge.

Don’t sleep! The McQueen line will only be at Target for… you guessed it, a limited time!
Sneak a peek here.

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Health: Tips for Looking Younger

Okay, I have a confession. Fawnda loves the Youngbucks! Now don't get it twisted, Fawnda's not trolling the middle school playgrounds with a backpack full of candy. I just like my mens to be a little younger for stamina purposes :).

So in order to keep up my cougar-steeze, I have to maintain my sexy and keep my youthful appearance.

A makeup pro listed her top instant agers -- I decided to share these tips in case you want to snag a youngin' too. But be clear, that's the only thing I'm sharing!

Instant Agers:

1. Heavy foundation cakes between fine lines, making wrinkles stand out, instead, lightly pat foundation onto trouble spots with a blush brush.

2. Clumpy mascara on upper and lower lashes creates a dated look. Try the “rock and roll” method: Curl lashes then, starting at the base of the lash, rock the mascara wand horizontally back and forth, and roll it out to the tip of each lash.

3. Side-swiped blush high on the cheekbones is so five years ago. Today, for a younger look, brush your blush just on the apples of your cheeks.

4. Light-washed jeans age you. The darker the wash, the more flattering,” Go for a midrise waist and boot-cut legs.

5. Anything boxy or tight works against your shape. Forget the size number and choose what fits your curves.

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The Hat Lives On

Jem loves when a good fashion moment appears in her inbox (unlike that Miss Tina e-mail on dreadful). If you're like me, you still have fond memories of the Inaugural celebrations. My favorite moment was THAT HAT! You know what hat I'm talking about. Watch how Jimmy Kimmel poked a little fun at Miss Re Re.


Diary of a Bagel Boy Magnet

Imageok so splain to me why the bagel engineer at Cosi won't cut me a break. Now I knew as soon as I went in there that I would have to contend with "bagel boy love" (bagel boys usually have a jones for me like you wouldn't believe) but this particular bagel boy is quite disturbing. First off he has like a trillion tattoos all over his physique but the ones on his neck and face are particularly perplexing. I mean I guess you never intend to upgrade your career path once you start putting artwork on your grill huh? So I know he's been gearing up for the past couple of days to find just the right words to get me interested in him so since he couldn't come up with anything he decides to include his # with my morning bagel, on the back of my receipt he writes "hey my name Dominges (yeah you read it right), you reel pritty, call me 202-***-****, oh and P.S. don't be bullshittin"

*Sigh* how come when I walk in the Verizon Center Gilbert Arenas isn't somewhere scheming on a way to get with me? How come when I go to the gym the dude with the best body isn't tripping over treadmills just for a shot at knowing me? How come when I walk into an office building accountants , consultants and VP's aren't dueling it out for my affection? huh? HOW FUCKIN COME????!!!ImageImage but every bagel engineer and salad prep apprentice in town wants me bad! I mean I could look at the bright side I suppose, I love to eat and they all in one way or another are involved with food but sometimes you have to draw a line that not even my greed will allow me to cross Image

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

News: 5 Nights in Paradise

In dimwitted former athlete news, Sir Charles has been sentenced to about a week of jail time for his DUI back in December. He'll have 5 sexy days and 5 sexy nights (at least), to get some of that fiyah head he loves so much.


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They're Negro...

So, the census data for the African American population is roughly 13%....

Not anymore, the alleged daddy of Nadya Suleman's 14 children is Denis Beaudoin, a biracial man who says he could be the biological father of Nadya Suleman's octuplets. Denis said he donated his sperm to her three times without asking questions because he was young and in love. He appeared in an exclusive interview with ABC News/Good Morning America Co-Host Chris Cuomo yesterday to discuss the possibility that he is indeed the father of Suleman's children.

Donated sperm or did the do? I'm unclear.

What I do know is that Denis is a black man and by all accounts, that makes those babies black too...

Alex Haley is turning in his grave.

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Health: Yuck Mouth

Not a pretty topic but one that needs to be written about. According to researchers oral sex can increase the risk of cancer. Fawnda threw up in her mouth a little bit as she was typing this blog, but that's okay, the revolution needs to be televised, so to speak. Many people enjoy oral sex. Fawnda will plead the fifth on that statement. Some people feel it's a way to prevent pregnancy and there are those Clueless Casanovas who are convinced it's a way to deny cheating because it allows risk-free sexual intimacy.
In additional to cancer, doctors say sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and human papilloma virus can take hold in parts of the oral cavity during sex with infected partners and that the oral contact can infect the genitals, too. HPV is a particularly scurrilous threat, since it incubates silently in the back of the mouth and is now linked to a dangerous form of throat cancer in both men and women similar to the one that arises in the cervix. Disgusted much?
Cases of oral cancer have been on the rise in men for the past 30 years. HPV is also the prime cause of cervical cancer.
Signs of Oral Cancer:
A sore on the lips, gums, or inside of your mouth that bleeds easily and doesn't heal
A lump or thickening in the cheek that you can feel with your tongue
Loss of feeling or numbness in any part of your mouth
White or red patches on the gums, tongue or inside of mouth
Difficulty chewing or swallowing food
Soreness or unexplained pain in your mouth, or feeling that something is caught in your throat with no known cause
Swelling of the jaw causing dentures to fit poorly
Change in voice

Fawnda is not saying stop your freaky ways. Just be careful before you lick..lick..lick..lick..lick the lollipop!

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Verbal Smackdown

Wooo! Octo-Mom (Nadya Suleman) and her Mom commenced to tongue lashing each other in this exclusive Radar Online "interview" that's more verbal battle than interview. In the end, Mom just shakes her head at the crazy baby lady.

Meanwile, Suleman's father sits down for a chat with Oprah today. In the interview, Suleman's father, Ed Doud, admits that questions about his daughter's mental stability are "very good" questions.

(AP Photo/Harpo Productions, George Burns)

Suleman apparently needs to get a new home to house all 14 kids. And a charity group is now asking Suleman to give them custody of the children. Things just get uglier and uglier for this woman. Tsk...


Things Negroes Like

It’s Tuesday…so it must be time for the weekly update of things you folks like! Well, not so much YOU folks, but all of us…from uppity to the not-so-uppity. And the list begins with…

What is the fascination with this stuff? Should you want anything on your body to be described as baby once you get to be of a certain age? Is it an attempt to prove to the world that you have or ‘once’ had so-called good hair? Even the JLo has an affinity for the baby tendrils. Let’s all get a brush and move on now.


So from baby hair to baby products… noticing a theme here? Our people seem to love all things baby: baby oil, baby lotion, baby powder. Why would you want to smell fetus-like? Grow up and buy some real lotion and some shampoo that burns your eyes.

VICKS VapoRub!

‘Tis the season for sniffling, sneezing and stuffy heads. If the age old ‘Tussin remedy won’t kick it, ask your Momma for some Vicks! Chances are she’ll pull out the same tub that’s been sitting in your medicine cabinet since 1984, then slather the stuff all over your chest and insert globs of it up your nose. Zicam people! Let’s upgrade our narcotics in the oh-nine.


Monday, February 23, 2009

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Tourists jump up to get beat down

With the excitement of a new President, tourism to the nations capitol is about to be through the roof, this Spring. In an effort to smooth your visit, please read the following public service announcement:


I hate you all. There I said it. We all do. We mutter about your lack of common sense without even bothering to see if you are within earshot or not. We roll our eyes at your fanny packs and your yelling: "HEY PETE! LOOK AT THE MONUMENT!!" You add nothing but congestion and confusion in our morning shitty commutes. You think we want to be on our way to work? But you mock us with your socks & Crocs and children spinning on the damn metro car poles, like they are practicing for their futures.

In an effort to keep me out of jail, here are some tips for you to have a smooth visit to "your" Nation's Capitol.

1) Guess what, the escalator is a moving stairway. I'm pretty sure you have them at the Mall of America. Keep moving when you get to the top, there are people behind you, dipshit. If you decide that you will become a statute at the top, and not move forward, left or right (see you have so many options!) I will manage throw in a subtle pile-driver if I think I can get away with it. I'm gansta like that. Also, we have rules here. Standers, to the right passers on the left, live it learn it, love it!

2) No one but size 2's look good in shorts, especially shorts made of stretchy cameltoe/wedgie inducing jersey material? Wear some weather appropriate pants, with your fupa sportin' nassy azz.

3) Oh, you want to get an early start on your day? That's great, but it is 6:45 in the g'damn morning. Is there ANY reason you are at the National Mall taking a leisurely a pack of 50...wearing bright red t-shirts b/c God forbid you get lost in the big bad 3mile radius of the National Mall in broad effing daylight? Get cellphones and maps you jackasses. And learn to stay to one side of the road. The rest of us are trying to get their good-cardio in here!

4) The FLOOR of the Metro car is NOT a seat. Don't roll your eyes when people who are looking at their eye level don't see your little bastards rolling around like they are in their living room (wait, do double wides have living rooms?) and shit kick them with their wedge heels...believe me, it hurt my foot more than it hurt lil' Johnny.

5) While I support local business, buying anything with FBI, CIA, or Washington, DC in a sweat or tee material, purchased from the 3 for $10 trucks, make you look like a dick. Museum shops have classy DC keepsakes of all price ranges. Get one of those, seriously.

6) Yes, Ben's Chili Bowl is tasty, good God. Stay the hell out of it, so us locals don't have to wait on line in the g'damn alley! What the hell?

The era of Dubya is over, bitches!

P.S. People don't prove you need your own set of rules... I think you know what I'm saying...

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When Inboxes Attack...

So, I go to my e-mail and what's sitting there, waiting for me in my precious inbox? This little message from MISS TINA, reminding me that her Spring line will soon be on HSN! Lady T was inspired by tea parties and whatnot... oh, and don't forget the "exotic faux skins." The mere thought of a Miss Tina shopping spree conjures up images like this right here.
Oh, my eyes!
Isn't there a law against e-mail harassment?


Oscar Night: Give ‘Em The Cold Shoulder

Okay, so if you missed last night’s Academy Awards, here’s a recap:
Slumdog Millionaire, Slumdog Millionaire, Slumdog Millionaire, hey Sean Penn, Slumdog Millionaire, Slumd…., oh Hey Kate Winslet, girl your hair looks like a helmet, and Slumdog Millionaire.

Of course the real highlight of the night is always the fashion. The “who you’re wearing” question is more important than “uh, what film were you in again?” So, let’s take a look at the big trend of the night… there were lots of exposed shoulders on the red carpet. JJD is giving it the term the COLD SHOULDER. A few of the looks were fierce…and a few needed to be covered up in something else.

Freida Pinto

Love the color…hated the way it looked on TV. The sparkly flecks in the dress made her look wide in the hips and clearly she is not. She’s gorgeous and young. I wish she took more of a risk than this Galliano dress.

Queen Latifah

All hail the Queen. Can you really hate on her? Love the beading at the neckline. She looked as regal as ever in this Georges Chakra gown.

Heidi Klum

Origami folds and pleats are quickly becoming hot statements on the red carpet. And Heidi Klum showed quite a bit of leg in this Rouland Mouret number. Although the jewelry scared me a tad. But, you can’t say she doesn’t take risks.

Other one-shoulder looks… some hit, some miss. Just giving you options here kiddies!
Jada Pinkett Smith
Alicia Keys
Gayle King
Giuliana Rancic (spotted AGAIN without her wedding ring)
Marisa Tomei

JJD’s hands down fave of the night was Anne Hathaway. The scaling effect on this Armani made my mouth drop. How do you breathe in that thing?

Congrats to lovely nominees Taraji P. Henson and Viola Davis. Taraji makes me want new hair...I may have to see the Weave Goddess!

And, from the WTF files?
Alicia Keys…what was that rat atop your head?

Lisa Rinna... drop the needle, please!

Beyonce...stunning or couch-worthy?

My jury is out on this. I think she wears the mermaid look very well but some of the fashion pundits say this Dereon frock looks like a couch print. Jem things she could have used some earrings though.

And I’m posting this one because she’s serving it up like a hot plate of spaghetti for you Hollywood biatches! Check that hand on hip action!

And this has NOTHING to do with the Oscars…but last night, our first couple hosted a dinner for the nation’s governors. Lady O looks fabulous as always…

Raise a glass!