Spring Cleaning Brew Style: Project #3 Wipe Me Down

Ladies…let’s have a chat. Now that Spring hath sprung, you’ve cleaned those dust bunnies and groomed your mannish facial hair, it’s time to get on the ball with your #1 friend…your va-jay-jay. Enter: Sweet Spot Labs.

They offer everything you need to make that cooch sing with glee, from a gentle wash to a "bidet in a bottle" to Terrence Howard’s favorite baby wipes. I never leave home without the On-The-Go Wipettes. They’re like the AMEX of freshness.

What’s the point in having a fresh outfit on with a dust bunny free attitude if your snatch smells like it’s holding dead people hostage?

Remember… like they say at the sushi restaurant: good fish should not smell like fish.

BEWARE: Phone Sex With Me Will Make You Gay....

Yes I think I have a nice voice, not sure of the precise reason why it’s nice but I’ve been told a time or two that I do have a nice speaking voice. Even at work , every so often I’ll get a call from strangers who point out that they know it’s unprofessional but still feel compelled to tell me they think I have a great voice. Ok, so we’ve established that it is likely that I do, in fact, have a nice voice, but nice enough to make a straight man gay??? Hmmmm….

Well yes! So says a young lad I once knew. He was just the cutest! Nice face, nice body, nice smile…. just yummy. So as our relationship progresses and we begin to talk more, our phone conversations start leaning towards the sexy side (yes, phone sex) Now I’m not sure about anyone else who has ever indulged in phone sex but I never actually do the things I say I’m doing, I’m usually eating a snack but I have an unusual gift you see. I personally think phone sex is wack and corny and well a waste of the time that could actually be spent getting it on fa real fa real, you feel me??? But he was cute, so sue me, I indulged him!

But as with most things in my life , shit took a quick turn for the worst. As I’m going through my sex talk theatrics with this lad, he starts mumbling something about a dude, but remember I’m multitasking (moaning and eating a rib, brilliant on my part sense ribs really do make me moan) so I’m not really paying much attention til he says “yeah girl , so you wouldn’t mind? You wouldn’t mind me giving a another dude a bj?” WTF!!!!

HOLD EVERYTHING YOU FORKER!!!!!


So I quickly shake off my rib induced high and repeat what I think I just heard just to make sure he said what I think he said and his response was: “I mean I don’t know what it is, your voice is just so sexy, I mean damn, you just make me say the craziest things” HUNH???? No kneegrow! You said you wanted to suck another mans joystick, my voice did that? Really? My voice made you gay????

Needless to say he stuck to that ridiculous story and our love was therefore not meant to be. So to the ladies with the butta creamy, velvety smooth voices out there, be careful, you might make your man gay….

Health: Deez Nuts!

I'm sure you've seen the alerts by now but "your people" are hardheaded, so it begs repeating. Do not eat any roasted pistachio or any products made with pistachio. They have been contaminated. In layman's terms, "deez nuts" are dirty! The Food and Drug Administration bitches say a California food processing plant is voluntarily recalling up to 1 million pounds of roasted pistachio products that may have been contaminated with salmonella. The nuts came from Setton Farms in Terra Bella, California. No illnesses have been linked to this case. Now I know for many of my folks their peanut game is not that exotic. They haven't really made it past the salty ass Planters cocktail peanuts that sit out on the counter at Ray-Ray's Bar and Grill. I provided a picture to help, they're the ones look like lil' Pac-Mans!
I guess the FDA has to announce a chicken recall for yo mofos to be up in arms over the impending lack of 20 pack wings at Shoppers!

Things Negroes Like: Cliche Edition

It's Tuesday Negroes...time for another installment of what my people can't get enough of. Today's edition is in honor of those of you with extensive, polished and refined vocabularies. Yes, those of you who took AP English and read those novels sold out of car trunks. Yes, you, 'the learned.' I'm calling this the Things Negroes Like: Cliche Edition.

Run it...

Per se
My girl Fawnda loves it when you people say this. Dictionarily (you like that word, don't you?), per se means 'intrinsically: with respect to its inherent nature' but you know your edumacated friends are not using it in that context. Do me a favor...ban this phrase because you ain't French and you know 'intrinsically' isn't part of yo' vocab.

Trials & Tribulations
If I have to hear this one more time when a celebrity f*cks up, I'm going to scream. You know what I'm talking about: 'Every relationship goes through its trials and tribulations' (re: Chris Breezy & Rihanna) or 'T.I. proves we can all go through trials and tribulations and come out stronger' (I actually heard this on the radio Saturday and wanted to toss my car over a bridge). Really? Can we swap this tired phrase and just say what you know you really wanna say? Chris effed up and T.I. got caught. Period. The end.

I Know That's Right
This is the Black woman's anthem. When we have nothing else to add, we tell you we already knew what you were saying was correct. Doesn't really mean anything, but it's our way of co-signing what you just said. Really, we could just nod our heads and keep it movin'.

Irregardless
Who is the genius that came up with this word. Regardless IS regardless...without regard...in spite of everything. You don't need to further negate it. Every time I hear this one, I vow that I'm officially done with Black people but they keep pulling me back in with their greens and red Kool Aid and shiz.

WB's Cornball Corner: Rick Wagoner

Monday's "Cornball Corner" post is a little late cuz I was out doing hood rat stuff. Today's post is dedicated to the 20 million dollar bama that his Rick Wagoner. The former General Motors CEO was forced out after running the company into the ground. Did he get a spanking and mouth balls like Ving Rhames on "Pulp Fiction"? Nope, he got a $20 million dollar retirement package. So this bitch is set...fo life..and my life and your life and your mamma's life. Wagoner worked for GM for nearly 32 years and he's vested according to a GM spin doctor. Wagoner hasn't official left the company yet. He's too busy asking the government for more money to bailout the lagging auto giant. Rick Wagoner you are the weakest link, goodbye!

Spring Cleaning Brew Style: Project # 2 Lady...your beard game is tight!

I am not going to debate this for one damn minute. WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE EXCESSIVE FACIAL HAIR. I don't care what your momma or your man says. THAT SHIT IS DEAD WRONG. Here's a check list, if you find yourself falling short or exceeding the facial hair limit. You need to get your ass to an Alase spa of your choice.

FACIAL HAIR CHECK LIST

2. EYEBROWS.

That's it. That's it sisters! Not one long eyebrow that looks like a catapiller is taking a short cut accross your face. Not a 'stache so thick it looks like you have been getting grooming tips from Magnum PI.  Not a wispy beard that blows in the wind. TWO DAMN EYEBROWS. PERIOD!

That said, I do not come across the 2 eyebrow rule, naturally and it is ok to ask for help!

Dupont Threading:   http://www.yelp.com/biz/dupont-threading-washington

 Nitasha is friendly and quick!

For you beardy bitches, you may need something a little more industrial.  But be careful, as lasers on darker skin can be problematic, if not done by an an experienced tech.  RESEARCH is your friend.

Spring Cleaning Brew Style: Project #1 Relationship Dust Bunnies

Spring has offically sprung, and with the normal spring cleaning of one's home (Sexy girls do not have dirty houses). Perhaps it's time we take stock of the emotional garbage weighing us down (sometimes literally)?

Women have a tendency to hold on to broken things for far too long. And I'm talking from my own experience here. We get so attached to the feel good portions of relationships that we brush the ugly stuff under the rug. The stuff that doesnt honor who we are, what we want and mostly what we are worth. We get so caught up in the 'what he wants' drama, that we ignore our own desires. For what? To have someone, anyone? To not have one more failure under your belt? Because the sex is good? Are these good enough reasons to sacrifice your total happiness?

As I am every day striving to become a better woman, these reasons are no longer good enough for me to hold on to broken relationships. So, I'm cleaning house. And I challenge you sisters who cry too many tears and laugh not enough, to join me.

Make a final break with already broken relationships. Let a man who doesn't know what he wants, go forth and find it, without you and leave you free to find someone who knows what he wants. Let someone who keeps you on the outskirts of his life 'get away', because he's telling you as plain as day that he does value you. So let's value ourselves.

'Memba this...

STOP lying...everyone remembers MISS CLEO!! And I know you're hands were itching and you needed an update...well:

Our favorite Pyschic Network TV fraud is letting the world know that she is still reading palms and she loves the va-jay-jay. In a recent edition of the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Ms. Cleo catches you up on her goings on after being sued and unsued and everything else that goes along with being a fake psychic.

Ms. Cleo, who has spent her time away from the spotlight producing a spoken word cd and reading palms down in Florida, just wanted us to know she still exists.

Umm yeah...okay..thanks for the update.

Check out the recent on goings of our favorite Pyschic at : www.the-real-mscleo.com

If not...have a good laugh on me..and remember: THE CARDS NEVER LIE!

I see sperm leavings.....

Um yeah.... this is supposed to be Tracy Morgan and wife....... sure thing buddy!

Straight from the "WTF!" files..... Man Girdles!

Ok now as a sturdy girl myself, one would think I was an advocate for foundation garments such as girdles and the like but not so! I HATE THEM!!! Everyone who knows me knows you'd have a helluva easier time getting me to go commando before I'd be caught dead in a compression undergarment so imagine my surprise when this site that features "man girdles" was bought to my attention.

ARE YOU FORKIN KIDDING ME??!!!

Well no, unfortuantely this is no joke, enter Mengirldes.com and they got man corsets out the ass for dat ass!!! I mean seriously? Are men really buying these things like hotcakes? like seriously?

All I imagne is meeting that hottie at happy hour and him accidentally ending up at your house that same night. After some steamy heavy petting you start feeling around to get a sense of things and them bam! you feel what you are 100% certain is a garment made of playtex material , MUTHAEFFIN PLAYTEX!!! when should there ever be a time when you are getting felt up and trying to return the favor and get cock blocked by a man girldle?! I ususally like my mens in fairly decent shape but I say to hell with it, if you're a big boy let your shat hang and swang before you ever let yourself get caught dead in a girdle.

And is it me or does it seem that the man girdle is also compressing the main vein there? oy vey!!

When plastic comes out to play.......

My fav (and hopefully yours as well) plastic Diva was on the scene this past weekend it seems and this was the end result. Um er rah... um I mean her retina looks nice! it brings out the white in her shirt...

New Kids...Please Stay off My Block

The real world...aka..the mortgage maker...got in my way last week as I canvassed the east coast looking for the best colleges and universities for you, but I am BIZZACK. And what do I see as soon as I turn my computer on...that the New Edition THIEVES, aka New Kids on the Block are going back on tour. Their Full Service tour begins on May 28th in Atlanta and features America's Best Dance Crew Season 1 winners Jaberwockez as their opening act.

Poof boys...BE GONE. Stay away. Go back to dancing with stars, reality game shows and horrible albums.

You thieves do not acknowledge for one nanosecond that you would not be where you are without the God given talent of the loves of my life...Ronnie, Bobbie, Ricky, Mike, Ralph and Johnny. And for that..I detest you.

I detest the sheets, the lunchboxes, the dolls, the millions of dollars you made when my NE had to stretch their last dollar. I detest the go hard attitude of Donny Walhberg, the sappiness of Joey McIntyre and the pretty boy eyes of Jordan Knight.

Their most recent album...and I refuse to go look up the name...has one jam that caught my eye when I heard it on Ne-Yo's cd...I almost gagged in my mouth when I found out that it was actually a NKOTB song. That jam is called Single. And Neyo's version is MUCH better.

I digress...just waiting on the day that the New Edition tour dates are announced.

But for those who care.. opening tour dates are below.

Dates for NKOTB's Full Service Tour:
May 28: Atlanta (Lakewood Amphitheatre)
May 29: Birmingham, Ala. (Verizon Wireless Music Center)
May 30: Tampa, Fla. (Ford Amphitheater)
May 31: West Palm Beach, Fla. (Cruzan Amphitheater)
June 2: Charlotte, N.C. (Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)
June 3: Raleigh, N.C. (Time Warner Cable Music Pavilion )
June 5: Virginia Beach, Va. (Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)
June 6: Camden, N.J. (Susquehanna Bank Center)
June 7: Washington, D.C. (Nissan Pavilion)
June 10: Scranton, Pa. (Toyota Pavilion)
June 11: Pittsburgh (Post-Gazette Pavilion)
June 12: Wantagh, N.Y. (Nikon at Jones Beach Theater)
June 13: Holmdel, N.J. (PNC Bank Arts Center)
June 14: Buffalo, N.Y. (Darien Lake Performing Arts Center)

Hasselbeck Pitching Threads

Everyone's favorite windbag on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, is the latest "celebrity" to pitch her creations on TV. QVC let her on the air to sell some threads they're calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck for Dialogue. There's like ONE decent shirt in this collection, the rest looks like PTA meeting gear. Does buying this stuff make you more conservative? Will you be spewing GOP views on the O'Reilly show if you buy a blouse? I remember when this girl actually had a decent "fashion" career on the Style network, before she went all batshit Bush crazy.

The Stinky Corner!

I'm all for doing "you" but sometimes that's just not enough. Especially if you look like you lack in the hygiene arena. So I'm starting a new weekly post dedicated to the stanka danks a.k.a. people who look like they subscribe to HBO (Human Body Odor).

Today's first honoree is Rasheed Wallace of the Detroit Pistons. Oh, where do I begin? Is the the beard that looks like little nappy raisins? Or, the fact that his teeth look like he needs a gross scale cleaning? Something about Sheedy tells me his jump-off are used to seeing some skids in his Fruit of the Looms. Febreeze is your friend.

And Massengil is your friend Nivea. Something about this little chippie makes my eyes water. She looks like she smells like Funyuns and Trout. I know her underwear is mad crunchy. Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It's funny his name is Sway because that's exactly what his hair DOESN'T do under that hot ass hat. This dude looks like he smells like hot breath on an empty stomach. I'm sure Fab 5 Freddy, Downtown Julie Brown and the rest of the old MTV VJ's have taken up a permanent resident under that bama ass knitted do-thingy! So to this week's winners, cheers, let's toast by all jumping into a vat of bleach, stat!

Walk of Shame now with Minty Freshness!

Hoes of the world rejoice, you no longer have to run your toothpaste coated finger across your teeth, in shame. Colgate Wisps are toothpaste filled disposable toothbrushes that dont even need water. So you can pull your panties on, brush your teeth and get the hell out of there, all before someone gets to say: 'Ooh wow...sooo heyyy..I don't usually do this kind of thing... but uh...what's your name?' Awkwardness avoided!

They even come in Semi-Hoe ($2.39 for a pack of four) and Super-Hoe sized packs($7.99 for a pack of sixteen)!

Policing with little to no common sense or compassion...

Dallas Officer Detains NFL Player Rushing to Dying Mother-in-Law's Bedside

Sad, is all I can say about what happened yesterday to Ryan Moats and his family. The NFL RB for the Houston Texans was in Dallas when he and his wife received a call that his mother-in-law who was in the hospital, was nearing death. Racing against time they attempt to get the hospital obviously to say their last goodbyes. Moats, after stopping and looking both ways, went through a red light and was then pulled over by a police officer in the hospital parking lot. This is disturbing on some many levels. IN the video footage Moats is pleading with the officer trying to explain that a loved one is in the hospital and within seconds of dyinig and Office Ahole is unmoved by this information. He even pull a gun on the wife when she tries to get out of the vehicle. They were right in front of the hospital!!! So while he was busy admonishing and chastising Moats, another officer went inside to verify the story and the ahole officer's response was "ok I'm almost done". WTF!!!

Saddest part, they did not make it in time as Mrs. Collingsworth, Moats' mother-in-law passed while they were being detained by the officer. Are cops instructed to throw all common sense to the wind??? What happened to compassion? I know instinct and common sense cannot be taught and the thought that cops like Officer Ahole are out there really scares the crap outta me.

I'ma A Diva

The diva is giving us an early look at her tour costumes. Someone ring me up a ticket right now, if that Spongebob wig will be making an appearance! Acclaimed designer Thierry Mugler is outfitting Beyonce for her “I Am” tour. Don’t these just scream Sasha Fierce? Can’t you see her rolling across the stage with fire balls engulfing around her, a la Mad Max up in that Thunderdome? Oh, the raw emotion!

If you’re in Canada…you can catch Mrs. Carter tonight in Edmonton.

Photos: Courtesy of Thierry Mugler

How Much Star-ah Can You Stand?

Guess who's bizzack? Star Jones celebrated her 47th birthday this week and in honor of her own b-day, she launched a new blog, right on these here blogspots. Can't she afford her own domain name? I'm just askin...

Anywho, "Positively Star" is an ode to the aforementioned birthday and celebrating what's "blessed, good, smart, stimulating, interesting, inspiring, fun, joyous and positive in my life, my community, our country and our world."

In other words...it's still about Star. Now let's read along...or NOT.

"Reality" TV...Everybody's Doing It

Set your Tivos good people. TV One is dusting off a few Z-List dusties and slapping them in front of a camera. The series, Life After, will premiere this Fall. It features the behind the scenes stories of a group of has beens entertainers who’ve faced adversity. Specifically...

"Life After will balance joyous moments with painful memories as the show seeks to capture how those featured have both celebrated and enjoyed their fame - and endured their darkest hours," said TV One senior vice president of original programming Toni Judkins.

Among the featured stars: Star Jones’s former fur carrier, Al Reynolds; The Last Dragon star Taimak, House Party co-star Daryl “Chill” Mitchell and Vanessa’s favorites, Bell Biv DeVoe… now ya know!

You Can't Turn a Hoe Into A Husband....

So says Tanya Sheniece Dotson. She is the "authorist" (Like Maya on Girlfriends) of You Can't Turn A Hoe Into A Husband: Never Trust A Big Stick & A Smile and the no nonsense, tell it like it is host of one of my most interesting youtube finds, and I don't mean that in a good way.

Favorite Part: "Love don't stop a hard on" LMAO!! well I hate to agree with you Ms. Dotson but it damn sure don't! If after waching the video you are overwhlemed with the need to purchase her book, you can do so at hoesn2husbands.com.

Culture: August Wilson's RADIO GOLF

COURTESY WIKIPEDIA

THE STUDIO THEATRE

(click the title for tix)

May 20 - June 28, 2009
Radio Golf
by August Wilson

directed by Ron Himesstarring

Bianca loves the multi-layered works of the late August Wilson, and can't wait to see the 10th installment of his Pittsburgh based cycle. (1 play each, based in 10 decades of the African Amercian experience) especially because he doesn't coon it up by putting a man in a dress and wig, in order to provide the audience withe a moving and thought provoking theatrical experience. (WEEKLY STINK EYE TO 'THE PERRY')

Gotta love that Wiki, Play synopsis:

Harmond Wilks, an Ivy League-educated lawyer with an educated and ambitious wife, wants to redevelop the "blighted" area of the Hill District in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Having inherited a prosperous real estate firm from his father and grandfather, Wilks is about to declare his candidacy to be Pittsburgh's first black mayor. Meanwhile, he and his friend Roosevelt Hicks are engineering a development deal on Wylie Avenue to build a high-rise apartment building with a ground floor filled with high-end chain stores like Starbucks, Whole Foods, and Barnes & Noble.

The deal depends on federal money, which requires a finding that the area is blighted. There are offstage city politics and backroom deals. Harmond and Roosevelt, a newly-minted Mellon Bank vice president, think they are equal competitors in capitalism's public-private arena, but they may just be black front men for white money.
Suddenly another world intrudes when an old mansion at 1839 Wylie they have slated for demolition turns out to have a significant past. It was the home of Aunt Ester, the hereditary folk priestess whose tale goes back to 1619, when the first shipload of African slaves was brought to Virginia.

Brew Reads: The Get 'Em Girls' Guide to the Power of Cuisine: Perfect Recipes for Spicing Up Your Love Life

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach". We've heard this saying time and time again and for those you who truly believe this (Dr.Dubya doesn't buy that ish for a second, I think the way to man's heart is to make him scared shitless of you) here's a new cookbook that's sure to get, at the very least, a man you may have your eye on, raise his eyebrow in wonderment and say "dang I think I done landed me a broad that can cook, hot damn!". Even a man whose perfectly ok with eating take out everyday loves a B that can cook. Being able to cook is not a bad thing. I know there are some hardcore ladies out there who associate cooking with submiting to the wills of the man but look, you gotta eat too don't cha? Let ole boy have what's left over, it's not such a bad thing.

The Get 'Em Girls' Guide to the Power of Cuisine: Perfect Recipes for Spicing Up Your Love Life

The book's intent is obviously to help you snag that dime joint you've been patiently waiting to realize you're it for him. But don't whizz over to amazon.com to buy this with that being your sole purpose. Learn how to cook yummy things for yourself first, be good to you. After that, it's all gravy baby!

Fashion: The British Are Coming! (Finally!)

Fashion prevails, as the first US outpost of Top Shop opens it's doors in Soho, April 2. And it will be a snowy day in April as La Moss herself will be there to celebrate in person. (BYO rolled up $100 dollar bills)

Suck it, recession! It's shopping time and Bianca hears the call of the Megabus!

Pop Up Fashion: Polyvore

From the “why the eff didn’t I think of that” files… I bring you Polyvore.com. It’s a virtual clearinghouse for all things fashion and home design. You scroll through dresses, shoes and accessories or create your own “look” or wish list, either from what's available on the site or what you add yourself. When you scroll over the items you like, poof, like little fashion elves, all the magical mystery work is done for you. A pop-up tells you how much and where to find the things you're thirstin' for. I swear, I need to stop watching TV and start thinking up a scheme. I could be rich! Muhahahahahaha.

Songs I hate to love: "Nasty Girl" - Ludacris

Sue me! I love it! let's just say for personal reasons.... teehee!

Songs I love to love: Laura Izibor "From My Heart To Yours"

Instant feel good song, love love love it!

Almost makes me hopeful about love, almost.....

Puffy Is Poison

Let me tell you a little bit about Jem. I love me some reality TV. From Ray J to RuPaul, if you slap a camera and some "real" people up in it, I’ll watch. So naturally, I am still watching Making The Band 4 and I’m beginning to wonder about this alleged “Making The Band Curse” Diddy talks about now that the groups are all having "personality" issues. I don’t think there’s a band curse per se…it’s more like a “Puffy Curse.” Peep this video for a hilarious rundown on why Puffy really is poison!



P.S. What happened to them singing white girls, Dream? Just askin’…

Plummer....."I'd do a sex tape"

So the man who helped Terry McMillian get her groove back, ex-hubby Jonathan Plummer tells Blackarazzi, "sure! I'd do a sex tape". Um yeeeaaaaaaa, exactly who wants to see that????

So seriously Terry, you didn't know ole boy likes sperm on his sammich's?? Seriously Terry????? You really need to take your gaydar machine in for a tune-up hon.

Man Down - Code 10 - Deez Nuts On Your Chin

I bring to you this lovely gem, courtesy of Frankie. Do we even need to identify her as Keyshia Cole's mother anymore? Watch it. Have a laugh at the expense of that big broad in the skinned leopard. Kill some brain cells. Then jump back to the 4:05 mark... cuz I'm into that prehistoric shit too!



Is it bad that I'm more entertained by the mother and Nefeteria than I am by anything Keyshia ever does? I get more excitement out of pressing my snooze button than I do watching Ms. Cole perform. I'm just sayin'...

Every Dime Deserves Some "DIME CURVES"

DIME CURVES!, PICK EM UP!!!!!!

That's right ladies, now the big fat booties glorified in all your favorite hip hip videos and drooled over by men young and hot and old and fat can be yours! Just take DIME CURVES supplement, that's right! IT'S A MUTHAEFFIN MIRACLE!!! just pop these pills and before you know it, you are asstastikal!!!

Take a look at these before and after shots from their site if you don't believe Dr. Dubya. Pretty impressive huh??? Buffy move over girl, there's a new ass in town!!


(I wonder if these are the pills Lil Kim used to get her "Dancing with the Starrahs" booty?????)

*Disclaimer*

If you truly believe that popping a pill will give you a fatty then you have deeper issues that you may wanna sit down and discuss with a real professional. Dr. Dubya only plays a doctor on the computer machine, toodles!

Social Commentary: Allergic to the 'Hood

Many people don't know this but DC's city planners purposely designed Washington to be confusing. I was told this by a cab driver when I moved here over 10 years ago. My response: I guess? He said it's just in case terrorists ever decide invade the Nation's Capital and go kamikaze on our asses. I've heard similar versions of this story but I've just been too lazy to research it much. I do know that after 15 minutes of trying to navigate through this mess of a maze, any terrorist would fly into a rage, screaming, "lalalalalalalalala" and detonate on the spot! But I digress. Driving in DC is a game, much like dodge ball. To combat my road rage, my mom got me a navigation system for Christmas. Talk about a soothing solution. My road chick's voice calms my nerves something serious. There is one thing that I've noticed though. My navigational homie is allergic to the hood! Yes, my computer compadre is bougie. The other day I was trying to locate a club in a less desirable part of town. I knew a few short cuts but when I plugged in the address, the system steered me toward the highway, adding a good 15 minutes to my drive. Now, I know what you're thinking, there are alternate route requests on every navigational system: shortest and quickest. I tried both and they avoided the hood like a studio gangster. So what is this about? I think it's good to drive through different neighborhoods. It helps you gain perspective. You can either play "that's my house" in the affluent areas or "I'm glad that's not my house" in the 'hood. Sort of how you did with your siblings on a long drive when cars were all you wished for. So, I'm declaring this week,  "Nix the Navigation System and Drive Through The Hood" week. Take a detour, wave at your cousins but just make sure the windows are up and the doors are locked when you do!

PUSH

The movie world is abuzz with anticipation of this movie starring Monique and newcomer Gabourey Sidibi. It is based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire. Sidibi's stars as Precious who endures unimanigable abuse at the hands of both her mother and her father. It is difficult reading and I'm sure will be difficult but necessary watching. A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio and Monique talked about her role in this movie and how after certain takes it was hard for her to snap outta character, that's how deep in she was. Rumor has it she gives a stunning performance. We shall see. Below is a clip of Gabourey's audition.

Kimmy's Sultry Samba

Ok I'm sorry, but she's good! Say what you want about the plastic, yes it's horrific but the K-ster is a dancing lil plastic bubble of joy. She makes my heart leap....

Things Negroes Like: Art & Home Edition

It's Tuesday... you know what that means. Since spring is finally here, today brings a special art and home edition of "Things Negroes Like." I hope it inspires you to do some spring cleaning if you have any of these things in your home.

Plastic-covered Couches

Stop this madness please! Have a sit down with grandma and tell her there are fabulous, washable fabric couch covers now. She should invest. And for crying out loud, if the plastic is cracked…REPLACE IT! There’s nothing worse than bleeding to death from the cut you get from some raggedy couch plastic.

Wicker Furniture

We love to take a club flick leaning all over some wicker with our booties tooted to the side. But what is it with the wicker IN the house? Now, don’t get me wrong. I do have a lovely, vintage swing made of wicker. It’s fly and I’ve seen cheaper versions popping all up in Ikea. But for real, the wicker is not meant to be an armchair or a dinner seat. You know it cannot support your aunt every week at the Sunday dinner. Come on.

White Jesus

Now, please don’t wish death and lightning strikes upon me. But ya’ll know you love you some white Jesus. Whether the picture comes with a teardrop, a crown of thorns, on the back of a church fan or the classic Jesus-MLK-JFK trifecta, you people love to see some white Jesus. Can we at least get a tanned picture? Ok, off the soapbox. Lord, don't kill me for this!

Rachel Makes The Dash

Designer Rachel Roy has had enough of Damon Dash. Roy filed for divorce after four years of marriage. And get this, the divorce is for "nonmonetary relief"... as in, he ain't got no money, just relieve me of this marriage. Dash and Roy have 2 daughters.

Dash's empire has crumbled and he faces a mountain of legal woes because of it.

• Dash owes $2 million in taxes
• A bank has foreclosed on his NYC condos
• NYC seized his Tahoe SUV in 2008 when he couldn't meet the $700 payment
• Dash is also being sued by landlords for failing to pay his bills
  

But, despite it all, Dash still has his big boy swagger. He said: "when I come back, I'm gonna change the economy as well."

Hard to believe he's gone from big pimpin' to cash sufferin'.

Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down"

This one features Ye and Neyo. Her album drops today, I lubs the Keri but not sure I'm gonna bust my ass to get to Target to buy it just yet. Gonna let some more reviews stream through first. Good song and video though....

Liu Covers Vogue China

We here at the Brew celebrate beauty in all shapes and colors. And, miss honaaaay, is serving up some face in the pages of this here Vogue China. And I ain't mad at you Lucy Liu.

Have a looky look:

In Cavalli on the cover...

In Comme des Garcons...

In Versace

Get 'em girl!

What's In A Name?

The geniuses at the Sci Fi Channel announced today that they're flipping the script...sorta.

They're changing the name of the network to "Syfy." Huh? What?

The parent company of the channel, NBC Universal, said it can better market "Syfy" as a brand, rather than one known solely for science fiction programming. Uh, okay. Remember what happened when they changed Coke. I'm just sayin'....

Kanye Covers Complex

Check out Amber Rose's ball juggler/pimp Kanye West on the cover of the April/May issue of Complex Magazine.



Scared much? I know I am.

Sweatin to a Funky Beat Track of the Week - "Headsprung"

Headsprung, by my favorite "no my face naturally looks pulled back as I age" plastic surgery denier, Ladies Love Cool James. This ish gets me fired the fug up! Add it your rotation and you won't wanna stop movin...

"BUT I LOVE DARK MEAT!".......... LAMMAN RUCKER

Yum, yum and yum again!! White meat is definitely good for you but I don't think anyone can deny the tender juiciness of a nice piece of dark meat!! enter Lamman Rucker. You've seen him on All My Children, on Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married" and that other show of TP's, who cares what the name of the show is, alls I know is that Lamman is on it.

I've never been turned off by his acting but I must say in all honestly I don't pay much attention to it, I'm sure he's great but gosh darn it! he sho is pretty!.

WHITE MEAT HEAT OF THE WEEK... JOHN CENA

Mr. John Felix Anthony Cena is a wrestler and um er rah, a rapper???. I have seen him in a few movies displaying his bad bad bad acting skills but who was watching expecting him to be good? I'm only in it for the eye candy, in fact all of Cena's films should be silent flicks. Not sure if the bod was obtained through illegal measures but I don't care really, just take your shirt off Cena, mama likes!

For a taste of his rhyming skills, see clip below of this super duper corny staged battle between him and a supposed fan/stranger, whatevs. Again Johnnie Cakes, think "silent films and silent rapping" and mostly always have your shirt off.......