Things White Jesus Loves

We at the Brew have previously mentioned how much the Negros love them some White Jesus. But who thinks about White Jesus and what He's into? Us at the Brew..that's who! (Ohhh that rhymed, say it one mo' time!)

White Jesus loves a cup of chain coffee. Starbucks, Caribou, The Coffee Beanery...if you can't get the same thing while you are on vacation than you can get at home, White Jesus gets uncomfortable.

White Jesus ADORES the Spirit of Truth's hair piece, he should wear it more often.

White Jesus just adores ODB, no one has warmed his heart since Big Baby Jesus. RIP!



Things Negroes Like: Art & Home Edition

It's Tuesday... you know what that means. Since spring is finally here, today brings a special art and home edition of "Things Negroes Like." I hope it inspires you to do some spring cleaning if you have any of these things in your home.

Plastic-covered Couches

Stop this madness please! Have a sit down with grandma and tell her there are fabulous, washable fabric couch covers now. She should invest. And for crying out loud, if the plastic is cracked…REPLACE IT! There’s nothing worse than bleeding to death from the cut you get from some raggedy couch plastic.

Wicker Furniture

We love to take a club flick leaning all over some wicker with our booties tooted to the side. But what is it with the wicker IN the house? Now, don’t get me wrong. I do have a lovely, vintage swing made of wicker. It’s fly and I’ve seen cheaper versions popping all up in Ikea. But for real, the wicker is not meant to be an armchair or a dinner seat. You know it cannot support your aunt every week at the Sunday dinner. Come on.

White Jesus

Now, please don’t wish death and lightning strikes upon me. But ya’ll know you love you some white Jesus. Whether the picture comes with a teardrop, a crown of thorns, on the back of a church fan or the classic Jesus-MLK-JFK trifecta, you people love to see some white Jesus. Can we at least get a tanned picture? Ok, off the soapbox. Lord, don't kill me for this!

Brew TV: Packeth Thine Bags, Black Chick!- Sayeth White Jesus

White Jesus giveth, and White Jesus gets fed up with your tired ass talking big and producing little and finally says 'GIRL BYE!'

I've been following this story as closely as some have been examining Real and/or 'the' Chance and/or the Flamonairs.. seriously wtf is that show (I feel like I'll get an STD just by watching it)? And finally I have what I have been BEGGING FOR!


Check out the most amusing reality TV elimination, I've ever seen. Finally, the black chick gets the ax. Right in the middle of eliminations, right in the middle of her exposition. HA. They don't ask her to stop speaking, they just want the bish GONE. Sure that ish was rude, but it was certainly funny as well.

She admits shamefully that she's the first person to ever been eliminated without a judges deliberation, but is proud that she will be known for ''talking a lot". And that's why we will never rise as a people!

BET Awards: Play by Play

7:58 pm: T-2 minutes til the start of the BET Awards and the highly-anticipated tribute to Michael Jackson. I've got my Jesus Juice ready and I've taken my pee break. Let's get it!

8:00 pm: BET kicks off the show with a replay of MJ putting the cape on James Brown... cue to New Edition cranking that "I Want You Back/ABC" medley. Somewhere, our very own Vanessa is creaming her pannies!
P.S. Ralph Tresvant...where have you been and why are you the only one in tune?

8:02 pm: Somebody turn Bobby's mic on... On second thought, DON'T!

8:03 pm: To quote Randy "American Idol" Jackson... "You're sounding a lil pitchy, dawg!"

8:04 pm: Jamie Foxx comes out in a tight ass Thriller get-up. Not sure how I feel about this. Hmmm...

8:06 pm: Jamie leads crowd in a mammasaymammasahmammakusah call and response and a series of jokes. Stephen Hill, didn't you get my memo? Where the hell is Beyonce? Paging Chris Brown. Why is Jamie still on? Didn't I tell ya'll there'd be some Jamie coonin'? Who's next?

8:11 pm: Jamie announces his camel toe. Can I turn the channel yet?

8:12 pm: Jamie moonwalks. I'd rather see Chris Brown do "Beat It." (oops...maybe he shouldn't beat anything else)

8:13 pm: Tyra Banks enters (her forehead appears first though)

8:14 pm: LeBron James gets Best Athlete Award. Will he walk off without shaking Tyra's hand like he did Orlando?

8:15 pm: Lil Wayne wins Best Hip Hop. But did Tyra just call him Lil Weezer?

8:20 pm: Maxwell "Pretty Wings" commercial airs. So what, it's not a part of the show. Sue me!

8:21 pm: Jamie's now wearing the Billie Jean get-up. Sadly, he didn't get the cue that the show started.

8:22 pm: Keri Hilson takes the stage. Again, WHERE IS BEYONCE? I need more MJ tribute action.

8:25 pm: Keri does a mini-MJ tribute (or was she doing a tribute to the Fonz?). Epic fail? I dunno. I'm still hoping for more.

8:26 pm: Word to White Jesus, here comes Ne-Yo. And he took the hat off!

8:29 pm: Joe Jackson sighting. Doesn't he kinda look like the devil?

8:34 pm: Bump back in with a mini MJ montage of his videos. Aside from Ne-Yo, the first 30 minutes were a snooze. See, you shoulda called me Stephen! And why is Anthony Anderson wearing that suit?

8:35 pm: KeKe Palmer inadvertently plugs her album with a "Who's Loving You" verse. Blah. Can this Bobb'e Thompson boy just do the friggin' Nike puppet voice already?

8:36 pm: Are you forkin' kidding me. 36 minutes into the show and Jamie is singing the damn T-Pain Goose Nuvo song already? Ah well, at least Travis Barker was a bright spot.

8:47 pm: Who.the.fork.let.Soulja.Boy.in.the.Shrine.Auditorium?

8:48 pm: Can I gouge my eyes out now?

8:49 pm: Amber Rose sighting. Who has more hair, her or Kanye?

8:51 pm: Letoya Luckett on stage with Chaka Khan and Estelle. I didn't think Mathew Knowles would allow Letoya inside the Shrine. Maybe Beyonce isn't in the building yet.

8:52 pm: Jamie Foxx, T-Pain and T-Pain's $400K "Big Ass Chain" win the best collaboration award. Quoting my boy Richard: "I Hope They Put T-Pain's Big Ass Chain In MJ's Casket..."
My sentiments exactly!

8:54 pm: Ne-Yo wins best male R&B artist and all he can say is "Damn, damn..." Oh, then he thanks White Jesus and Def Jam.

8:55 pm: Can Trey Songz read?

8:59 pm: BET honors the normal people who do good work. Somehow, I can't buy this with Jamie wearing the Beat It jacket and after he just blamed it on the Goose.

9:00 pm: Finally! Beyonce!

9:01 pm: Beyonce does the Ave Maria without PANTS? WTF?

9:02 pm: I'm getting up right now to send a care package of pants to Beyonce, Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.

9:04 pm: Did Beyonce clear that song with the pet commercial and Sarah McLachlan?

9:05 pm: That was beautiful, B! Is that Italian (read: EYE-talian)?
Was she a bride, an angel, MJ's angel taking him to Heaven? I'm lost...

9:11 pm: Jamie tosses to a "movie" promo that took a few shots at Tyler Perry and features Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx in their Shenehneh and Wanda drag. Clearly, BET put a lot of pre-production into the show and they don't want to lose their money by just doing a full-on MJ tribute.

9:13 pm: Arsenio Hall sighting, in the audience though.

9:14 pm: I'm now wishing Monique was hosting this show.
Mary Mary takes the stage. Them girls got some hips. (Don't strike me White Jesus)

9:16 pm: Aww shucks, King Queen Latifah's in the building with Mary Mary! And she's rapping, not doing that sangin' thing.
Wait, did dude just thank his SEARS co-workers? *Dead!*

9:21 pm: MC Lyte doing the voice over. Aww shucks, paychecks still coming in!
Nichelle Nichols is in the ladies room so Zoe Saldana has to present the award by herself. $20 bucks says Nichelle was in there getting it onnnnn with Captain James T. Kirk!

9:23 pm: Taraji P. Henson wins best actress award. Is this show on speed or something? We don't even get the full list of nominees? Can we get a fullscreen list or something? Is Taraji rockin' a mullet? Is it that hard out there for a pimp?

9:25 pm: Keri Hilson wins best new artist. Something tells me we weren't supposed to hear that snippet of her song with the words "big shit poppin'". Ooops, BET!

9:27 pm: Jamie sings that independent song. I'm sorry, is this the Jamie Foxx show?
Here comes Ne-Yo with that bald head again. This reminds me of the first time I saw LL Cool J's head and wanted him to put the hat back on.
Fabolous joins the party. Every time I see him, I check to see if that tooth's been fixed........ FAIL!

9:30 pm: Oh, NOW Ne-Yo thanks MJ. It's all good Mr. Yo. Singing Lady In My Life was enough.

9:31 pm: Keith Sweat is still begging. Keith Sweat still has Duke curl products in his hair. Some things never change.

9:33 pm: Guy takes the stage. That Crazy Legs dude is still dancing, but what the heck happened to Aaron Hall's voice? Does he smoke?

9:34 pm: Bell Biv DeVoe performing Poison. Vanessa's poopin' her pants! Somewhere Bobby Brown is mad these dudes get to perform twice.
Does this mean that New Jack Swing stuff is making a comeback?
What's up, Troop can't get no love? Mamacita...

9:42 pm: The Real Housewives of Atlanta without Kim? Was she "tardy to the party?" Epic fail!
No words for you Mr. Ray J.

9:43 pm: Uh, could we get an intro for Ciara? Who signed off on her singing a ballad?

9:45 pm: Paula Patton & Mike Epps. Where's Robin Thicke? Can we see him?
Aww shucks, Monica & Keyshia Cole. Let the party begin! Is Keyshia wearing a Peggy Bundy outfit?
I sure hope those Monica stans come back here and comment!
Eh, I preferred this song more when it was called "The Boy Is Mine."

9:51 pm: Let me get a sip of this Jesus Juice. Where the heck is Chris Brown already? I'm ready for a real MJ performance.

9:55 pm: Jamie tells the story of the Black mayor of Philadelphia, MS but the dude doesn't get to talk. Womp, womp.

9:57 pm: Jeremy Piven & Marlon Wayans present best female R&B artist but, first, they must give a shout out to Joe Jackson. Beyonce wins.
Joe Jackson takes a good look at Beyonce's rump as she walks to the stage. You ain't slick Joe!

10:00 pm: Jay-Z kills Autotune!!!!!!!!! Swagger on 100 now that he cut that awful Michael Evans 'fro.
Funny he's killing Autotune after Jamie and T-Pain won for it tonight.
Sidebar: Jazmine Sullivan is doing cotton commercials? A check is a check...

10:09 pm: Crazed fans in the nosebleed seats take out the BET camera man. Hey, everyone needs some shine, I guess.

10:10 pm: Day 26 introduces Don Cornelius. I thought he was doing time for wife beating?
Suddenly, this show just earned 15 extra minutes because you know Don can't say a sentence in 5 minutes.

10:12 pm: Al Sharpton sighting. Damn, his edges are tighter than mine. Paging a perm...paging a relaxer...stat!

10:13 pm: Don Cornelius begins the O'Jays tribute.

10:15 pm: TEVIN CAMPBELL!!!
Should we go get Kathy Griffin and the rest of the D list?

10:17 pm: Johnny Gill left Eddie Murphy's guest house long enough to join Trey Songz and Tyrese to tribute the young O'Jays.
Sidebar: This Trey kid is kinda sexay. You don't need to be able to read to be my man. I'm just sayin'...

10:22 pm: Oh shucks, they're singing Stairway To Heaven... I think I just heard panties drop across the street!

10:27 pm: And Don Cornelius is still talking!
Finally, the O'Jays take the stage. Uh, why is the new O'Jay allowed to talk. Get your Michelle Williams on and let Eddie and Walter talk.
Did Walter just thank Donnie Simpson? Donnie don't play no O'Jays music anymore.

10:30 pm: Eddie Levert takes the stage. Is he gonna talk about Gerald and Sean? Grab my tissues. Please don't make me cry.

10:31 pm: Eddie said "shit"... haaa. Too late BET censors!
What, no mention of your kids?

10:33 pm: The Mighty O'Jays take the stage. They're doing Let Me Make Love To Ya Baby. I think I may have been conceived to this song. I'm just sayin'...
Now they're doing For The Love of Money. Doesn't Donald Trump own this song now?

10:37 pm: Norwood Young & Niecy Nash sighting. Is she wearing gold lame?

10:43 pm: Johnny Gill tells his story of first meeting MJ back at the Grammy's at an afterparty. How you doin'?

10:47 pm: Sherri Shepard and Idris Elba introduce Debra Lee but first, Idris sends a prayer to Catherine Jackson. The man has class and a sexy accent.

10:49 pm: Debra Lee gives props to Stephen Hill, BET employees and celebrities for putting this BET Awards show together in honor of MJ. Mmmm, I'm not convinced yet.

10:52 pm: Debra announced Wyclef Jean and Mashonda's husband stealer Alicia Keys will get the humanitarian award. Alica won for her work in Africa. Wyclef won for his work in Haiti. He also reminded us he came from a hut.
Sidebar: Where are they hiding Maxwell?

11:06 pm: Taraji is back. Tyrese thinks he's Baby Boy still. And, scene...

11:08 pm: Taraji and Tyrese present the viewer's choice award to T.I. and Rihanna for Live Your Life. T.I.'s babymamma Tiny accepts it. I'm not even gonna say anything. Sigh.

11:10 pm: Now Ving Rhames wants to get in on the re-creation of Baby Boy. I'm over already. Why couldn't he come out butterball nekkid like he did in the movie? Then, I'd have something to blog about.
Uh, someone tell Ving these are not the BET Video Awards.
Beyonce wins video of the year for Single Ladies. Aww, a little peck for Mr. Carter.

11:13 pm: Jamie plugs his tour. But you already knew he was going to do that, right?

11:14 pm: Ok, Maxwell. I can die now.

Sorry, blog break.

11:20 pm: Okay, I'm back. All systems shut down when Maxwell is on. Even my Momma called me. Oh, that man and his Pretty Wings (now that's how you do falling feathers, take note Beyonce!)

11:24 pm: More real people get awards (Food From The Hood organization) but again, we don't get any comments from them.

11:25 pm: Drake performs with Lil Wayne and the rest of those Cash Money people. I'm sorry dude, you were on DeGrassi. I can't with you.

11:26 pm: Lil Mama sighting. Wonder where she got that ponytail? She should return it.

11:27 pm: BET censors suck. I really did not need to hear Lil Wayne tell me he had that "dope dick." Eww... I need a shower.

11:31 pm: Mom calls me and I quote: "Now this is some filth...are those girls underage?"

11:37 pm: Aww damn. Tearjerker. Here comes Janet Jackson! She says to the audience, Michael was an icon. To her, he was family. God is surely lifting her up. She looks strong.

11:39 pm: Jamie & Ne-Yo sing I'll Be There. Touching moment. But are there any other crooners there besides Jamie? Where's Mariah?
Ne-Yo touches my heart. I love that guy. He gets the magnitude of this moment.

11:42 pm: Show ends.

I'm left feeling a little duped. While there were several songs done in tribute to Michael and performers like Keri Hilson and Ciara gave a nod to him with their wardrobe, I just wanted to see a full on Michael Jackson moment. Breaking news catches the unprepared with their pants down. Perhaps that was the case here? Maybe I just expected too much for 3 days of preparation. I know how hard it is to pull off breaking news, so decent job BET. I think?!?

Good night!
-Jem.

Things Negroes Like: Tattoo Edition

So, I spent the holiday weekend ‘way down in the country deep’, with the fam, toasting a graduate and cooking out. You know how we Negroes do when it gets hot. As I was sitting and observing my surroundings (as any decent hood journalist does), I started to analyze all the tattoos I saw this weekend, coupled with all the awesomely bad tats in the NBA playoffs. That got me to thinking: what is it with the Negroes and body art?

Run it…

Baby Momma/Daddy Names

You know you will not be with this person past next year. Please don’t get their name scrawled across your back or (worse) on your neck. You do not want to see this person’s face when you look at your child much less inked across your thigh. Avoid the urge my people… just get a t-shirt with their name instead. The Negroes love t-shirts.

Fallen Homies
Why do the Negroes love to get their dead homies inked on their bodies? I mean, I love my girls and all, but trust, I’d just pour a little out for them and remember the good times. I wouldn’t get homegirl’s name on my calf so everyone can ask me for the rest of my life “Who’s Rita? I thought your name was Tiffany?” It’s just not a good look. Just get a R.I.P. sticker and put it on your car. The Negroes love that too. Better yet, take that tat money and donate it to a charity. A novel idea!

Children
Ooh, I might touch a nerve with this one (please don’t strike me White Jesus). You know the Negroes love to honor their children in random ways: putting the light bill in their name, opening a credit card under Lil Johnny’s Social Security Number, you know…hood stuff. We take it even further by putting all (yes, allll) the kids’ names on our bodies. You know your arm is going to run out of space for listing all dem kids anyway. As if the world doesn’t know you’re Lil Peaches’ momma. How ‘bout we start Peaches a college fund, mmmkay?

Bible Verses

And since we’re striking a nerve with White Jesus, let me just say, the Bible verse you have in the ‘tramp stamp’ area does no good as a reminder to you that ‘The Lord is [your] shepherd’ because you cannot even see it back there and we know you’re not reading it backwards in the mirror for inspiration. And while we’re on the topic of biblical things, please stop getting angel wings, praying hands, crosses with roses, Jesus with a crown of thorns, (I can go on and on)… Jesus would rather see you in church!

Chinese Characters

Are you an expert in Mandarin? Not the fruit fool, the language? Do you read from right to left? Can you even use a chopstick? Then why are you trusting a dude with a button-hole in his earlobe to tattoo the word “HOPE” in Chinese across your arm? This dude doesn’t read Mandarin either and that tat really says “5 Dolla Sucky Sucky.” Go down to Chinatown… you’ll see.

I have one request, my people: can we get our tattoos to have some kind of theme please? Especially if you’re going for the clustered or sleeve of tats look. The record company’s logo right next to the baby’s face beside the Chinese characters underneath the Zodiac sign next to your mother’s name with a rose through it above the Bible verse next to the loaded gun and bullet hole is not a good look!

Um No Ma'am Ms. Teena...

Um okay I knowed (color purple talk) you was sangin the gospel and all, but let me tell you, I have word from a reliable source that White Jesus does not approve of this performance. Who authorized this?? Imma have to go Randy Jackson on you hon... "I don't know dawg, it was a little pitchy for me". Thankfully White Jesus doesn't stay mad too long, so you can redeem yourself on a later date. This was a hot sanctified mess!

White Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross

I am too appalled and really don't think that HELL is an appropriate place for the ANIMAL who threw his girlfriend's baby out of a moving car window. This is wrong on so many levels. The animal is 21 year old Anthony McTear Jr from Tampa, Florida. His girlfriend is 17 year old Jasmine Murray. This McTear animal is not the baby's father.

Allegedly, a fight between McTear and Murray occured and the ANIMAL began to beat his girlfriend and toss the baby ACROSS the room in his car seat. He then proceeded to take the baby and toss him out of a moving car window on the interstate.

There are NO words for the level of disgust I feel at this moment.

...White Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross.

The Economy Needs Jesus

Pope Benedict XVI is calling on White Jesus to save the slumping economy. Bennie wants to form a "world political authority" to help keep the global economy on track and prevent future recessions. He's written a new encyclical called "Charity in Truth" that rejects capitalism and abuse of the global economic system.

The pope says every economic decision has a moral consequence. He wants to see wealth redistributed to help the poor. [Uh, didn't Jesus already say that?]

The idea isn't sitting well with economists and even some Catholics who think the church should butt out. But, the pope says he ain't feeling this free market too much. He says people with poor moral character have really screwed up this economy [okay, maybe he didn't say screwed, but you get it], so the economy needs some protectin'.

The pope is set to meet with President Obama at the Vatican on Friday. We hear the White House planned to give the pope a gold-plated antique Archbishop Don Magic Juan chalice but Obama will give him a stole instead. Good move Mr. Prez. Don't wanna flaunt ya riches in front of the pope, you know, while he's wearing those Prada shoes and all.

Will You Watch?: Lil Wayne As Jesus

Lil Wayne already thinks he's "saving" Hip Hop...so, what's next?  Well, naturally, he's got plans to play Jesus.  Seriously.

Weezy will voice the role of Jesus in T-Pain's new animated series for Adult Swim called "Freaknik."  The show is about Atlanta's old freak-fest of the same name.  It'll star T-Pain, Wayne and other artists (including David Banner).  T-Pain plays the ghost of Freaknik.  Wayne will appear in "Ghetto Commandments," the animated music video for the show.

“Freaknik" airs March 21st on Comedy Central.  So, will you watch?

I'm thinking... White Jesus may take issue with this one.

Source

Tiger Woods Needs Jesus?

Fox newsman Brit Hume thinks Tiger Woods needs to come on over to the Cross. Hume went on the teevay and said Cheetah Woods could stage a comeback but he needs to dump his alleged Buddhism and become a Christian to find forgiveness.

Hume's comments sent the innawebs on fiyah!  Seems to me that Tiger's gonna need help from God and 2 more white people to get outta this mess.  White Jesus told me himself.  You know, I've got a direct pipeline to him.  We're likethisson!

Things Negroes Like (in our cups)

It's summertime and there's nothing the Negroes like more than to party & bullsh!t. And the key ingredient of any good party: al-al-al-alcohol. But the Negroes don’t just drink any ole kind of liquor. No suh, we have a short list of libations that are must haves to get us bent.

Run it...

Hennessy

Seriously, all Black people drink this. It’s like water. If you find a Negro who has an aversion to the Henny, demand to see their Black card. They may be octoroon. This cognac (read: yac) is the sweet nectar of the gods for the Negroes. We drink it at parties and when we need to “clear” our minds and think. We even pour it out when our homies have gone home to White Jesus. The Negro’s love for the Henny is only surpassed by that little North Korean dude, Kim Jong Il. Word is, he loves the stuff.


The Hennessy people know the Negroes love the drink so much, they even made a bottle in honor of Barack. Now that's gangsta!

Courvoisier

Now, if there is no Henny readily available, then there had better be a bottle of this stuff lying around. Courvoisier is another form of the yac that’s popular at all hood cookouts. Courvoisier is so classy that it’s the beverage of choice for both The Ladies’ Man and Busta Rhymes. Now that’s what I call a broad spectrum.



Asti Spumante

Asti is the preferred drink for the pinkies up, fancy glass crew. It’s fruity and doesn’t have too much alcohol, so you’ll look like you’re down with the drinkers, but you’re really just drinking old grape juice.

White Zinfandel

Another beverage for the lightweights, or the fakers who think they know wine. This is the old standby for women who don’t really know what else to order when they get to the bar, or maybe they don’t want to get too drunk at a classy event. Now, for men, if you stroll to the bar and ask for a glass of white zinfandel, I’ma need to see your hetero card. I may have questions.

Chardonnay

Another classic that requires the pinky out when you drink it. Chardonnay goes down smooth and, if you’re cheap, you can walk around the club and fake like it’s some good champagne. It’s an essential for the woman who doesn’t want to look like too much of a lush (when we really know you get down on some chardonnay like that Ray J chick).

Don't try to serve no Molson Ice to us Negroes. Denied! If you don't have any of these at your party, chances are we’ll pack up and take the party elsewhere. Unless, of course, you've got some bangin' ribs on the grill. Then, we make exceptions.

Until next time, drink up!

A Pole For Jesus?

I am deeply disturbed by this tragedy right here.  Stripper poles and Fred Hammond should not come within a mile of each other, much less in the same YouTube clip.  I spotted this over at Fresh’s Crunk + Disorderly today and I wept slowly for White Jesus because he would not approve.

 

Things Negroes Like: Easter Edition

It’s Tuesday folks and you know what that means: time for the Things Negroes Like. But this week, I’ve been inspired by the rebirth and rejuvenation that the holy time of Easter ushers in. Now, a couple weeks ago I talked greasy about white Jesus. I’m not going to do that again! (*says Hail Mary & an Our Father*)

But, I will crack on you Negroes and how you interpret Easter.

Run it…

6 hours in the hair salon

The outcome usually involves some form of ringlets, Shirley Temple curls and an up-do (occasionally, all of the aforementioned ‘dos appear atop the same head)

Easter/Christmas Christians

Now, I don’t judge the relationship you have with the Resurrected Jesus. But I will talk about those of you who only peek a head in a church for Easter and Christmas, with an occasional wedding and a funeral on the side. God will be having a talk with you.

New suits

A necessity to impress the other Easter/Christmas Christians who you’ll only see twice a year, so who cares if your suit is brand new?

Pastel colors

See above (this is a staple of the Negro Easter experience)

Easter dinner

But you know you don't really like your family all that much!

Hot cross buns

Easter ain’t Easter if you don’t O.D. on a few of these jokers. My Grandmother would let me eat them well before the holiday. She loved me!

Cadbury bunnies

Negroes get real pissed off and lose the Easter spirit when the bunny is hollow. Send me a solid rabbit dammit! And you can keep the dyed eggs and the marshmallow Peeps!

‘Til next week… Happy Easter!

Cornball Corner: Airport Edition

The Memorial Day holiday is wrapping up and ya girl just got back from a fun filled trip out West. My travel bliss was cut short at the airport because I HATE PEOPLE! So here are a few travel ticks that irk the s%$t out of me:

Slow Rollers

Why must I make this post cry? I hate, hate, hate you cheap ass bitches who get those little rolling' shits because you want to save money and not check your bags. So you drag these little guys around sssslllloowwwwwly so people like me get caught up and twisted around your stinky rolling hamper!

Asses in the aisle

Dude, you can't get off the plane yet, so why are you putting your fanny pack and mom jeans in my face while you're trying to fiddle wit yo s%$t? Sit down, eat your Rice Krispie treat and contemplate the return to your shitty ass existence. When you see people getting off, get up and walk your size 11 corny white tennies off the plane!

Cabin Coughing

Please for the love of White Jesus eat something before your morning flight. How about some fruit with your backed up asses? It clears your palate so you won't have that empty stomach breath when you cough all over the cabin into the recycled air that I'm breathing. Hello, I'll take an order of Swine Flu with a side of Avian, stat!

Late picker uppers

This especially applies to my people with collard green in their DNA. When I say my flight lands at 3:15pm that doesn't mean leave the house at 3:15pm! And please don't try to text me talkin' bout, "girl this traffic is a beast!" No, your man was a beast last night so that's why your ghetto and late. Be truthful and hurry the f$#k up!

Bratty Babies
I don't give a rat's ass that little Tommy is crying because it's his first flight and his ears are locked and loaded. Please keep him seated because if he looks back here one more gin' I'm going flick him on his fivehead. Get some tussin from Cabin Cougher and sedate his little ass before I do! And stop asking the flight attendant for extra unnecessary shit that they don't have. Like extra pacifiers and ointment. This isn't CVS.
Happy Travels Bitches!

What's Brewing?

Someone's trying to whack Duckie! Yet Charlie Sheen has no target on his back? The irony. TMZ












Our white meat heat David B. gets an unwelcome "handy" from a prankster. VIDEO







Crazy Cat Ladies make Baby White Jesus Cry...Huffington Post






Ol' Babs can admit she was a side piece, but does not like to discus Mic Checks! Walks out on the Gaga.

Things Negroes Like: Rooter to the Tooter Edition

I was eating some greens at a friend's house recently, and while the collards were good and all nutritious-tasting, there was no essence of that Porky Pig. No dribble of ham hock grease made its way down my chin as I sopped up the greens juice. No little bacon bits floated on the plate when I was done. That made me sad.

Now, grant it, I profess to be pig-free and all, and usually I am (usually). But there’s just something about that damn bacon that calls me, like Rick James’ aura. I won’t chow down on pork chops or pulled pork, but fry me up some bacon and I’m satisfied like a fat kid with cake. So, that got me to thinking about the many ways we Negroes love the pig.

Run it…

Chitlins

I remember the first time I smelled chitlins. I think I was about 5 years old and I thought our dog had died and someone shoved it in the closet. I mean really, should you eat something that smells like death and decomposition when you cook it? Yet, the Negroes love to get all up in some swine intestines. Now, would you go next door and eat Tyrone’s intestines? I think not. So why are we eating Babe’s? Let’s step our culinary game up in the 2009.

Bacon

Now, I don’t have nothin’ bad to say about bacon. I think it’s the 8th wonder of the world. Eat it alone or wrap it around something else (like a shrimp). Put it on a slice of buttered white Wonder bread... ahhh, the aroma, the crunch, the grease… (oh my, I think I’m having the big O right now….). Whew! I’ll even take turkey bacon if that’s all you got. But seriously, eating too much of the stuff can cause all types of health problems. On an up note though, Australian researchers say eating bacon can ease a hangover. I say, win some… lose some. We all gotta go sometime, might as well go with a bacon sandwich in your hands.

Bacon Grease

Bacon grease has as many uses in the Negro household as Vaseline and ‘Tussin. When you’re done frying the bacon on a Sunday morning, you’d better pour that grease into a jar or White Jesus will strike you dead. Negroes never throw bacon grease away. It’s a sacrilege. That grease can fry some more bacon next week, it can be used as a condiment, it can “garnish” your greens (more on that later), it can even be used to bait roaches! Cut the other fats in your life but heavens no, not the bacon grease.

Ribs

You might get cut if it’s your turn to the host the family BBQ and you don’t have any ribs. And you’d better make them the right way, with just enough sauce and tender enough to fall off the bone. If not, there could be an uprising at your get-together. Hot, cold, fresh off the grill…there’s no wrong way to eat a rib.

Pork-Flavored Vegetables

Mmmm, the delight of my life. I needs my vegetables swimming in swine. Maybe it’s the country in me, but if there’s no strip of bacon, drip of bacon grease or pig knuckle in the green beans… NEXT! Hell, put a fancy smoked turkey neck in it if you wanna be all bougie. I’ll eat it. Damn. Just be prepared for my ‘Itis to set in…


Til next week people… pig out.

Dates From Hell: Macy Gray, Top Shelf Liquor and a Paper Bag Test- Fin

Part Uno

So, we are finally seated at the fancy Italian restaurant that DeadBeatDad chose. As I mentioned, it's a lovely afternoon- the LAST thing I want is a pasta meal. But I figured, hey- the man is paying. Let me just shut up.

The little college student waitress comes over to take our order. She looks straight from a cornfield. My actual date and I are not big drinkers, and it is 2 in the afternoon, we order ginger ale. DBD however sees this as the hour to get TWISTED, and orders himself a Long Island Iced Tea. As perky waitress is about to walk away, he grabs her arm firmly, and says 'And make sure it's top shelf liquor, I don't want to have to send it back. I can tell the difference."

Poor kid, she's just trying to pay for text books without having to hit the pole. She can't do her lunch shift without liquor grade threats? It's not like we're at "Frank's Hard Liquor and Crap Game Shanty" for chrissake! She looks at me and my date uneasily, like 'Is this mofo serious?!' our silence shows her that he is, she scurries away.

She has been gone a full 5 minutes and DBD is telling this tale of how he does NOT PLAY when it comes to his liquor and 'don't be thinking' you can fool me by substituting sub par libations! NO SIR -REE!

I contemplate killing myself with the shiny butter knife.

FINALLY, my date grows some hair on his clearly un-dropped balls and says 'OK, DAD WE GET IT!' Well he should have never done that. DBD starts to go in on him. "That's the problem, you grew up in the suburbs! People are gonna try to take advantage of you. I knew you shoulda grown up in the HOOD!"

I'm sorry, insult someone I care about? I'm going in. "So, being raised in the the hood makes you a Man?' I smile. Knowing how the man next to me was caring for his ailing grandparents, while working full time AND going to school full time, was making me sharpen my butter knife under the table.

DBD, ignorant as all hell "Damn right! You get to see stuff, living in the city! What did he grow up seeing??? Cornfields and cows!"

Me, innocently inserting and turning the knife. "I'm sure (insert dumb ass son's name) would have LOVED to had spent more time with you, here, when he was growing up." DBD was FINALLY shamed into silence, for the time being.

When the poor waitress returned with his drink. He actually made her stand there while he took a couple of sips to see if it pleased his discerning Top Shelf Palate. Passing inspection he waves her away- after ordering a feast for a KING.

The meal was quiet enough, as he had a lot to contend with... appetizers, 2 more drinks, giant pasta meal--the extra bread bowl. When he would come up for air, he pretty much called me 'whitey and white girl a couple of times.' In what exact context I can't remember--by then I had retreated to my happy place, and designer purses were dancing in my head. Though when the bill came, my naive ass had the nerve to be shocked that Dumb Ass Son reached for his wallet and paid for it. I bit my tongue so hard it was bleeding.

Back out on the street, I'm walking ahead- but can see them behind me in the reflection of the shiny store windows. DBD is nudging his son to peep the giant jubblied hottie inside. I pretend I don't see as he grabs his arm and stops him to look at her. I AM NOW THROUGH! As tipsy DBD is still ogling her impressive rack (hey- no hateration in THIS dancery!). I turn around to my dumb ass date and say, with a psychotic smile, "Wow, she is hot. But unless you are prepared to go in there and scoop her up- I suggest you keep walking! And that will be about the last disrespect I'm taking from you or that man! He's not my gotdamn father!"

I look at my watch, it has only been 3 hours. This is the longest date, no day of my LIFE. Finally, finally (Praise White Jesus and all the West African Saints and Puerto Rican Apostles!) we get rid of DBD because the movie we decided to go see, was one he he thought was "stupid".

No better judge of "stupid" than Stupid, I suppose.

Shortly thereafter, I issued out the old 'It's not you its me...let's just be friends' speech. There is only so much a person can take. And you will never win against daddy issues with a grown ass man.

Yet still.. somehow ---someway.. I manage to rise!