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Witches' Brew: June 2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Know When To Shut Up

Mark Sanford… it’s time to shut up! The South Carolina governor just can’t get enough of talking about his affair. Last week, he apologized profusely for skipping out on the state and heading south to meet his mistress (that's her in the middle). Then the e-mails between the two came out. Then he apologized AGAIN to his colleagues. Now, he’s telling the Associated Press that he and his lady friend have a “love story… a forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

He even admitted to getting close to other women during his marriage to his wife Jenny (that's her on the right).

Uh, sir, could you please stick a sock in it now? I mean, is this “In Treatment?” "Intervention?" What? Dude, shut up…already!

Meanwhile, Sanford’s wife –who has known of the affair for months, kicked her hubby out and demanded he never see the woman again– has gone public herself. Jenny Sanford says she doesn’t care about Mark’s political future. She just cares about the character of her children! Did you hear that Hillary, Elizabeth and Silda?

Way to go Jenny!

I’m just sayin’…


Chopper Style

A Florida man called police and asked for an escort to see Lil Wayne in Miami.  20 yr. old Michael Kruse wanted the cops to escort him to see Wayne so he could get there quickly.  

He called 911 while he was on I-95.  Oh, but wait it gets worse... This fool asked for a HELICOPTER to take him to see Weezy.  My words don't even do this story justice.  You must listen to the audio.

The cops made Kruse pull over where he was immejitley escorted to not pass go!

And this isn't the first time this nimrod has been accused of misusing 911.  He also called 911 to complain of feeling sick, but later admitted he'd been smoking that Mary Jane.

I blame BET for this!

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Stick a Fork In It

..because Vibe magazine is dunzo! The popular hip hop rag is closing immediately. Vibe staffers were formally notified in a meeting today. Advertisements were down and that whole "robbing Peter to pay Paul" just wasn't a good look anymore. Vibe used to be my joint until it deserted serious indepth pieces, started selling T & A and became a fake King. That leaves The Source as the only magazine focused solely on hip-hop and we know they've got serious issues going on over in that camp. Do people still even read Vibe anymore?


"Take dat, take dat!"

That's exactly what Michael Jackson and White Jesus are saying to daddy Joe. Details of Mike's will are leaking to the media and it looks like Joe will have to shake it like a salt shaker cuz Michael left him zilch, nada, nathan! The pop star reportedly gave his millions to his mother, children and various charities. Yeah...about those children, TMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of Michael, Paris and Prince. That's a bulletin? Anynotmybabbydaddyway, it seems that Debbie Rowe just carried the two oldest children but conception took place in a sweatshop or sumthin'. Little Blanket's parents are unknown. He was delivered then picked up at the hospital by MJ's lawyer. The plot thickens people!

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Things Negroes Like: Hee hee hoo!

Today's TNL is about the story we've all been following since last Thursday: Michael Jackson's life and legacy. I first learned of his death as I emerged from the subway and overheard a rather loud man ask his friend "did you hear Michael Jackson died?" After I picked up my mouth, I snatched my trusty cell phone outta my purse and quickly went to TMZ (cuz they tend to be up on these things). Lo and behold the friggin' TMZ site wouldn't even load. By the time I made it to the car, I realized the news was true, so I was compelled to stop for ice cream (hey, life is short, might as well get your flowers now...and technically, it was frozen yogurt). I rode all the way home with my windows down and MJ's music blasting on the radio. Well, blasting about as loud as my standard, dealer-issued speakers can handle. But you get where I'm going with this.

So that got me to thinking about what we Negroes love about the Jacksons.

Run it:


We loved his music and his moves. We even loved his fashion choices back in the day. Who else could pull off glittery socks? And how many of us had that glove or ran out and got Jheri curls? Of course looking back, we wouldn’t be caught dead in that stuff today. We love that he never let his curl get dry nor did he flood with Leisure Curl products. It was jussst right. We loved that he took one for the team and still did the Pepsi commercial even with his curl on fire. Now THAT's dedication. We gave him a pass in the 80s when he started hacking away his nose and changing his Negroid features. But, many of us finally turned our backs on him after he morphed into a white woman and expressed his affinity for slumber parties. But, we're all back on the Michael bandwagon now. Actually, I think we're selectively remembering Negro Michael and even Mulatto Michael (from his Bad days). Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Hee hee, owww!


Sure, she's sexy, she looks good in a dominatrix outfit, she gave Paula Abdul steady work in the 80s, she managed to secretly marry the finest of the DeBarges and she played the heck out of an abused child on TV (*looking at you Joe Jackson*)... but what is it that most of the Negroes love about Miss Jackson If You're Nasty? That donk! Let's keep it real, if you're of the male persuasion (and some of you 'shims' too) you've been drooling over Janet since she was Penny on Good Times and you probably followed her to Diff'rent Strokes and even watched her on Fame. You love her chubby and you love her thin. These days, you still love her but every time you see her, you think "dayum, if Jermaine Dupri can get that, why can't I?" Hey, maybe there's still hope!


She's such a mess that you can't help but love the girl. She was cute back in the day. Okay, that nose was taking up 2/3rds of her face but still, she was cute. Now, she's posing with snakes in Playboy and is kinda scary-lookin', all skinny and hiding under 20 lbs of yaki premium. Come back to us LaToya!


I'm still trying to find out if Rebbie is raising Janet's secret child. I mean, can we get a resolution on that? Anyway, I don't know about you, but whenever Centipede comes on, I must hit the floor and pretend I'm a worm. One-hit-wonder she may be, but everybody knows that song and remembers the video.


The most normal of the bunch. He looks like your uncle: got a little beer gut, a not-quite-right 'fro and looks like he kept his nose! Yeah Tito!


Well, I'm not sure if there's anything really spectacular about him to be honest (although Let's Get Serious was the jam). I think the Negroes just love to look at him. Doesn't he remind you of fried chicken with all that oil sheen on his edges?

Okay, so he's not a Jackson but dammit he’s Berry Gordy’s son and that’s close enough. Give him an honorary pass for Somebody's Watching Me. That song never gets old. Just ask Geico.

Family Ties

No matter how much they talk about their difficult upbringing, 'dem Jacksons go hard for their family. We all know devil poppa Joe Jackson used to get in dat azz on the regular with switches, his bare hands, extension cords, his shoe, guitars, couches and microphone stands. But, somehow, they always stick together. Like Cephus & Reesie, they tight!

Until next week, pour some out for Jacko! (I'm not even gonna make a Jesus Juice joke...dangit, I just did).

ANIMATED VIDEO MICHAEL JACKSON - MOBANGO - Free mobile applications, games, themes, ringtones, wallpapers and videos for your mobile phone

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Monday, June 29, 2009

I'm Really Trying To Prove I'm Not My Sister!

So while Beyonce was preparing to take flight in her pannies at the BET Awards, her sister Solange was channeling her inner Rainbow Brite in this spandexy get-up at the Annual LGBT Pride parade in San Francisco over the weekend.

Well, pose for the camera, click honey.  You are working that, uhm, nail polish?
I got nothing.

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Brewing: Shady Sharpton

Damn I lost one-hundred dollars to my Granny bookie! I bet her it would take Shady Sharpton three days to inject his "for-profit" foundation havin' ass into the Michael Jackson fiasco when it took five. Sharpton and Katherine's baby-daddy gave a press conference today to discuss the pop star's estate. From what I can make out between the rambling, Joe feels the family needs to be cautious to preserve Michael's legacy. Makes sense to me. When reporters pressed him on a time frame for funeral arrangements he responded, "didn't I just answer that question?" Then he plugged his record company. But back to Al. Have you no shame? What is your purpose here really? These opportunists need to fade to black, stat!

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Cornball Corner: The Hamburglar

What is it about the colored and fast food joints? Police arrested this Hungry-Hungry-Hippo after he called 911 repeatedly claiming he got short-changed from a McDonald's ringer-upper near Portland. 23-year-old Jeremy Martin told police he gave the girl at the window a ten dollar bill but only got a "burger and a fry". Dispatchers told him to step, but he kept calling. So they hauled his bloated ass to the clink. Big boy you are the Brew's Cornball of the week, weak, weak!


Brew Beauty: Wax On, Wax Off!

If you’re like me, you like to keep your vagicat in a silky, smooth state. Perhaps you leave a strip, just clean up the edges or you go for the full Monty and wax it all off. Whatever your pleasure, beware, there are some hazards to bikini waxing.

MSN reports one New York woman got a wax and wound up with something called cellulitis (sounds naaastay). It’s a potentially life-threatening bacterial infection of the skin. It nearly killed the woman. She spent 15 days in the hospital. Waxing pulls off the top layers of the skin which creates an opening for bacteria to walk right in. And voila… you’ve got cellulitis!

So, here are some tips to keeping your vajj smooth and your butt alive:
  1. Choose your waxer carefully – Just like you do background checks on a man or a potential hairdresser, make sure the wax place is clean!
  2. Ask what type of wax is being used – make sure it’s chemical-free
  3. Watch out for dirty birdies – Did the waxer clean her funky hands? Is she double dipping the wax? Ya know, stuff like that.
  4. Buy yourself some post-shave/wax cream – That will keep bumps from appearing because you don’t want to look like the before photo in the Magic Shave commercials.
  5. Watch out for infection – Duh!

Happy waxing ladies (and, well, you doin'?).

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Gone To The Great Infomercial In The Sky

Amid all the gangstaliciousness at the BET Awards, we managed to lose another one.

Popular TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his home on Sunday. He likely died from a pulmonary embolism in his Florida home. Mays had an enlarged heart but results of his autopsy won’t be known for weeks.

Mays became famous for his pitches of various household products like Kaboom! and Oxi Clean.

In an odd twist, Mays was on a Saturday flight that had a round landing. He reportedly hit his head during the landing. But officials say there was no sign of head trauma.

Mays was just 50 years old. Man, life is so short.

Let’s all pour out a little Oxi Clean dust in his honor.

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Why Are We Looking For An Heir To Mike's Throne???

*ok deep deep heavy sigh* Beyonce is a beauty, seemingly inside and most definitely outside. She seems humble and appreciative of all that she's accomplished. She gives 280% on the stage. Whether you are a fan of hers or not you cannot deny that fact, the woman means bitness! and comes to work to work. Sasha will not be issuing any refunds! best believe that....

Um but recently I became an observer in a twitter debate where it was suggested that she is now the heir to the musical icon throne now that my dear, sweet baby Michael J is gone..... to that I couldn't help but be like

I give the B'ster all the props allowable by law but I promise you there is NO ONE to fill Mike's shoes, no one! man, female, cat, dog or sea moose. He is it and all we'll ever have. Are there talented people left? of course! But Mike kicked doors down and the beauty of it all was that he was just doing what he loved, it consumed his very being. His smile was electrifying when he was performing. It's almost like we weren't even there and while I'm sure he was happy to be a pioneer in the music world, I can assure you he wasn't thinking "yeah let me put the best music out here coupled with impeccable dancing so that later I can afford Soulja Boy Tell Em the opportunity to be heard by the masses". yeeeeeeaaaaa, NO! Everyone acknowledges that without him they'd be nothing, so why are we looking for another him? You won't find one, Ever!

Beyonce gets me crunker than a mug when it comes time to shake my ass meat, no doubt! And I can even get with her sometimes when she gets on her slow mode shit, (I still cannot get on board with the acting, sorry guys!) But stop inserting her name in these sorts of debates and just let her talent stand alone for what it is. Heir to the MJ throne????...... BLASPHEMY!!!

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Father of the Year Speaks

Joseph Jackson spoke to CNN's Don Lemon on the red carpet of the BET Awards.

Talk about a class act... "We just lost the biggest star in the world" instead of "I just lost my son."

Something tells me this guy is just waiting for the checks to clear. Did he really just plug his record company?

I guess, everybody handles death differently. (I'm trying to be nice)

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

BET Awards: Fashion

I have drawn the short stick and had to suffer through this entire show to report the Brewshyt fashions that are bubbling up in LA. I predicted lots of gloves, glitter and penny loafers in misguided homage to the King of Pop. And your cousins did not disappoint.

*Brew Note: In an homage to this cheezy ass show, no purchase of a Getty image was going down! This review is gonna be as bootleg as the show it reps!

One woman's struggle for relevance continues... So, it wasn't enough that we had to give this broad a gyno exam on Twitter? I would think the only way to go from that is to be oh, just slightly moe modest.. no? No?

These cries for attention are boring me. Get a hobby, volunteer or something. Shi


WTF in the CandyMan Striper hell? Kudos on getting the weight down..but you coulda premiered it in something a little less ''What magazine would you like to read, sir?'' fashion, Ant'nee Blackblush Anderson.
And Brandy's brother... dare I say? You look *gulp* Good!

Mario- I know times are tough and all..but did you really need to recycle some of the satiny tops of your Dancing With the Stars costumes?
Nice biceps doe.. they almost distract my cougar ass from that dome piece!

Finest homewrecker in the land (allegedly)!

Even in his 'mourning', Joe couldn't keep his eyes off of her assets... seriously Joe- we're going to have to have a talk!


Amber Rose.. hi...Boo... I like how you and Kanye are role playing tonight.
Let me guess...Construction worker and naughty 80's nurse?

Amerie, I wanna like you.. I always have, really. But zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Plus.. the bootlike sandals--while hot-- look well.. FUGGING HOT! It's the end of June in LA for goodness sake. It's like Beach on top, winter in NY down below. Meh. if on cue..look at this escaped troll from under the London Bridge. She looks like a casual toilet paper roll. Is it formal denim? I don't 'get it'.

Fire your stylist- stat- she hates you! Keri. Damn, Great body, pretty face.. yet you have on the happy dinosaur cocktail collection, stars and scales oh my!

Ahh 'Raji.. boo.. this isn't a real awards show. Look at you taking it all serious like, looking FABULOUS.

See 'Raji- you could have just pulled out your mom's old '80s Business wear.
It's like she was over this already.. I don't blame you Ty.. I don't.

From the Broke Black Barbie Collection? No seriously: Fuchsia, Glitter...POUF ANNND FEATHERS? Omanosir!

My favorite performance 'get up' of the evening. Ya girl Bee... in her PANTIES, sanging ole Catholic Spirituals. I guess she put on the see thru Christmas Tree skirt to be respectful? WTF?

Though, I guess it's better than this, SOUNDED. Holy Screechin' cat of all Tributes. Why does this woman have a career?!

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BET Awards: Play by Play

7:58 pm: T-2 minutes til the start of the BET Awards and the highly-anticipated tribute to Michael Jackson. I've got my Jesus Juice ready and I've taken my pee break. Let's get it!

8:00 pm: BET kicks off the show with a replay of MJ putting the cape on James Brown... cue to New Edition cranking that "I Want You Back/ABC" medley. Somewhere, our very own Vanessa is creaming her pannies!
P.S. Ralph Tresvant...where have you been and why are you the only one in tune?

8:02 pm: Somebody turn Bobby's mic on... On second thought, DON'T!

8:03 pm: To quote Randy "American Idol" Jackson... "You're sounding a lil pitchy, dawg!"

8:04 pm: Jamie Foxx comes out in a tight ass Thriller get-up. Not sure how I feel about this. Hmmm...

8:06 pm: Jamie leads crowd in a mammasaymammasahmammakusah call and response and a series of jokes. Stephen Hill, didn't you get my memo? Where the hell is Beyonce? Paging Chris Brown. Why is Jamie still on? Didn't I tell ya'll there'd be some Jamie coonin'? Who's next?

8:11 pm: Jamie announces his camel toe. Can I turn the channel yet?

8:12 pm: Jamie moonwalks. I'd rather see Chris Brown do "Beat It." (oops...maybe he shouldn't beat anything else)

8:13 pm: Tyra Banks enters (her forehead appears first though)

8:14 pm: LeBron James gets Best Athlete Award. Will he walk off without shaking Tyra's hand like he did Orlando?

8:15 pm: Lil Wayne wins Best Hip Hop. But did Tyra just call him Lil Weezer?

8:20 pm: Maxwell "Pretty Wings" commercial airs. So what, it's not a part of the show. Sue me!

8:21 pm: Jamie's now wearing the Billie Jean get-up. Sadly, he didn't get the cue that the show started.

8:22 pm: Keri Hilson takes the stage. Again, WHERE IS BEYONCE? I need more MJ tribute action.

8:25 pm: Keri does a mini-MJ tribute (or was she doing a tribute to the Fonz?). Epic fail? I dunno. I'm still hoping for more.

8:26 pm: Word to White Jesus, here comes Ne-Yo. And he took the hat off!

8:29 pm: Joe Jackson sighting. Doesn't he kinda look like the devil?

8:34 pm: Bump back in with a mini MJ montage of his videos. Aside from Ne-Yo, the first 30 minutes were a snooze. See, you shoulda called me Stephen! And why is Anthony Anderson wearing that suit?

8:35 pm: KeKe Palmer inadvertently plugs her album with a "Who's Loving You" verse. Blah. Can this Bobb'e Thompson boy just do the friggin' Nike puppet voice already?

8:36 pm: Are you forkin' kidding me. 36 minutes into the show and Jamie is singing the damn T-Pain Goose Nuvo song already? Ah well, at least Travis Barker was a bright spot.

8:47 pm:

8:48 pm: Can I gouge my eyes out now?

8:49 pm: Amber Rose sighting. Who has more hair, her or Kanye?

8:51 pm: Letoya Luckett on stage with Chaka Khan and Estelle. I didn't think Mathew Knowles would allow Letoya inside the Shrine. Maybe Beyonce isn't in the building yet.

8:52 pm: Jamie Foxx, T-Pain and T-Pain's $400K "Big Ass Chain" win the best collaboration award. Quoting my boy Richard: "
I Hope They Put T-Pain's Big Ass Chain In MJ's Casket..."
My sentiments exactly!

8:54 pm: Ne-Yo wins best male R&B artist and all he can say is "Damn, damn..." Oh, then he thanks White Jesus
and Def Jam.

8:55 pm: Can Trey Songz read?

8:59 pm: BET honors the normal people who do good work. Somehow, I can't buy this with Jamie wearing the Beat It jacket and after he just blamed it on the Goose.

9:00 pm: Finally! Beyonce!

9:01 pm: Beyonce does the Ave Maria without PANTS? WTF?

9:02 pm: I'm getting up right now to send a care package of pants to Beyonce, Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.

9:04 pm: Did Beyonce clear that song with the pet commercial and
Sarah McLachlan?

9:05 pm: That was beautiful, B! Is that Italian (read: EYE-talian)?
Was she a bride, an angel, MJ's angel taking him to Heaven? I'm lost...

9:11 pm: Jamie tosses to a "movie" promo that took a few shots at Tyler Perry and features Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx in their Shenehneh and Wanda drag. Clearly, BET put a lot of pre-production into the show and they don't want to lose their money by just doing a full-on MJ tribute.

9:13 pm: Arsenio Hall sighting, in the audience though.

9:14 pm: I'm now wishing Monique was hosting this show.
Mary Mary takes the stage. Them girls got some hips. (Don't strike me White Jesus)

9:16 pm: Aww shucks, King Queen Latifah's in the building with Mary Mary! And she's rapping, not doing that sangin' thing.
Wait, did dude just thank his SEARS co-workers? *Dead!*

9:21 pm: MC Lyte doing the voice over. Aww shucks, paychecks still coming in!
Nichelle Nichols is in the ladies room so Zoe Saldana has to present the award by herself. $20 bucks says Nichelle was in there getting it onnnnn with Captain James T. Kirk!

9:23 pm: Taraji P. Henson wins best actress award. Is this show on speed or something? We don't even get the full list of nominees? Can we get a fullscreen list or something? Is Taraji rockin' a mullet? Is it that hard out there for a pimp?

9:25 pm: Keri Hilson wins best new artist. Something tells me we weren't supposed to hear that snippet of her song with the words "big shit poppin'". Ooops, BET!

9:27 pm: Jamie sings that independent song. I'm sorry, is this the Jamie Foxx show?
Here comes Ne-Yo with that bald head again. This reminds me of the first time I saw LL Cool J's head and wanted him to put the hat back on.
Fabolous joins the party. Every time I see him, I check to see if that tooth's been fixed........ FAIL!

9:30 pm: Oh, NOW Ne-Yo thanks MJ. It's all good Mr. Yo. Singing Lady In My Life was enough.

9:31 pm: Keith Sweat is still begging. Keith Sweat still has Duke curl products in his hair. Some things never change.

9:33 pm: Guy takes the stage. That Crazy Legs dude is still dancing, but what the heck happened to Aaron Hall's voice? Does he smoke?

9:34 pm: Bell Biv DeVoe performing Poison. Vanessa's poopin' her pants! Somewhere Bobby Brown is mad these dudes get to perform twice.
Does this mean that New Jack Swing stuff is making a comeback?
What's up, Troop can't get no love? Mamacita...

9:42 pm: The Real Housewives of Atlanta without Kim? Was she "tardy to the party?" Epic fail!
No words for you Mr. Ray J.

9:43 pm: Uh, could we get an intro for Ciara? Who signed off on her singing a ballad?

9:45 pm: Paula Patton & Mike Epps. Where's Robin Thicke? Can we see him?
Aww shucks, Monica & Keyshia Cole. Let the party begin! Is Keyshia wearing a Peggy Bundy outfit?
I sure hope those Monica stans come back here and comment!
Eh, I preferred this song more when it was called "The Boy Is Mine."

9:51 pm: Let me get a sip of this Jesus Juice. Where the heck is Chris Brown already? I'm ready for a real MJ performance.

9:55 pm: Jamie tells the story of the Black mayor of Philadelphia, MS but the dude doesn't get to talk. Womp, womp.

9:57 pm: Jeremy Piven & Marlon Wayans present best female R&B artist but, first, they must give a shout out to Joe Jackson. Beyonce wins.
Joe Jackson takes a good look at Beyonce's rump as she walks to the stage. You ain't slick Joe!

10:00 pm: Jay-Z kills Autotune!!!!!!!!! Swagger on 100 now that he cut that awful Michael Evans 'fro.
Funny he's killing Autotune after Jamie and T-Pain won for it tonight.
Sidebar: Jazmine Sullivan is doing cotton commercials? A check is a check...

10:09 pm: Crazed fans in the nosebleed seats take out the BET camera man. Hey, everyone needs some shine, I guess.

10:10 pm: Day 26 introduces Don Cornelius. I thought he was doing time for wife beating?
Suddenly, this show just earned 15 extra minutes because you know Don can't say a sentence in 5 minutes.

10:12 pm: Al Sharpton sighting. Damn, his edges are tighter than mine. Paging a perm...paging a relaxer...stat!

10:13 pm: Don Cornelius begins the O'Jays tribute.

10:15 pm: TEVIN CAMPBELL!!!
Should we go get Kathy Griffin and the rest of the D list?

10:17 pm: Johnny Gill left Eddie Murphy's guest house long enough to join Trey Songz and Tyrese to tribute the young O'Jays.
Sidebar: This Trey kid is kinda sexay. You don't need to be able to read to be my man. I'm just sayin'...

10:22 pm: Oh shucks, they're singing Stairway To Heaven... I think I just heard panties drop across the street!

10:27 pm: And Don Cornelius is still talking!
Finally, the O'Jays take the stage. Uh, why is the new O'Jay allowed to talk. Get your Michelle Williams on and let Eddie and Walter talk.
Did Walter just thank Donnie Simpson? Donnie don't play no O'Jays music anymore.

10:30 pm: Eddie Levert takes the stage. Is he gonna talk about Gerald and Sean? Grab my tissues. Please don't make me cry.

10:31 pm: Eddie said "shit"... haaa. Too late BET censors!
What, no mention of your kids?

10:33 pm: The Mighty O'Jays take the stage. They're doing Let Me Make Love To Ya Baby. I think I may have been conceived to this song. I'm just sayin'...
Now they're doing For The Love of Money. Doesn't Donald Trump own this song now?

10:37 pm: Norwood Young & Niecy Nash sighting. Is she wearing gold lame?

10:43 pm: Johnny Gill tells his story of first meeting MJ back at the Grammy's at an afterparty. How you doin'?

10:47 pm: Sherri Shepard and Idris Elba introduce Debra Lee but first, Idris sends a prayer to Catherine Jackson. The man has class and a sexy accent.

10:49 pm: Debra Lee gives props to Stephen Hill, BET employees and celebrities for putting this BET Awards show together in honor of MJ. Mmmm, I'm not convinced yet.

10:52 pm: Debra announced Wyclef Jean and Mashonda's husband stealer Alicia Keys will get the humanitarian award. Alica won for her work in Africa. Wyclef won for his work in Haiti. He also reminded us he came from a hut.
Sidebar: Where are they hiding Maxwell?

11:06 pm: Taraji is back. Tyrese thinks he's Baby Boy still. And, scene...

11:08 pm: Taraji and Tyrese present the viewer's choice award to T.I. and Rihanna for Live Your Life. T.I.'s babymamma Tiny accepts it. I'm not even gonna say anything. Sigh.

11:10 pm: Now Ving Rhames wants to get in on the re-creation of Baby Boy. I'm over already. Why couldn't he come out butterball nekkid like he did in the movie? Then, I'd have something to blog about.
Uh, someone tell Ving these are not the BET Video Awards.
Beyonce wins video of the year for Single Ladies. Aww, a little peck for Mr. Carter.

11:13 pm: Jamie plugs his tour. But you already knew he was going to do that, right?

11:14 pm: Ok, Maxwell. I can die now.

Sorry, blog break.

11:20 pm:
Okay, I'm back. All systems shut down when Maxwell is on. Even my Momma called me. Oh, that man and his Pretty Wings (now that's how you do falling feathers, take note Beyonce!)

11:24 pm: More real people get awards (Food From The Hood organization) but again, we don't get any comments from them.

11:25 pm: Drake performs with Lil Wayne and the rest of those Cash Money people. I'm sorry dude, you were on DeGrassi. I can't with you.

11:26 pm: Lil Mama sighting. Wonder where she got that ponytail? She should return it.

11:27 pm: BET censors suck. I really did not need to hear Lil Wayne tell me he had that "dope dick." Eww... I need a shower.

11:31 pm: Mom calls me and I quote: "Now this is some filth...are those girls underage?"

11:37 pm: Aww damn. Tearjerker. Here comes Janet Jackson! She says to the audience, Michael was an icon. To her, he was family. God is surely lifting her up. She looks strong.

11:39 pm: Jamie & Ne-Yo sing I'll Be There. Touching moment. But are there any other crooners there besides Jamie? Where's Mariah?
Ne-Yo touches my heart. I love that guy. He gets the magnitude of this moment.

11:42 pm: Show ends.

I'm left feeling a little duped. While there were several songs done in tribute to Michael and performers like Keri Hilson and Ciara gave a nod to him with their wardrobe, I just wanted to see a full on Michael Jackson moment. Breaking news catches the unprepared with their pants down. Perhaps that was the case here? Maybe I just expected too much for 3 days of preparation. I know how hard it is to pull off breaking news, so decent job BET. I think?!?

Good night!

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BET Awards: Performances

Ne-yo and Jamie Foxx (*again*) singing, "I'll Be There"...this was a nice way to end the show. Should it have followed, "Always Strapped?" Um, no...but hey somethings are our of our control. Next up Jamie & Ne-Yo Collaboration, "Best of Both Worlds: We Run BET".

Drake singing "Best I Ever Had"...wearing a Kanye college dropout collection sweater. Bringing light-skinned back again. No chains, just a beaded necklace, nice style. He has a thick ass neck. I like that he's not all jumping around on stage...uh oh, cue the prayin mantis, Weezy F. Makedembabies. Dang, can't hear half the song because of sensors. We know the words BET, now you want to sensor? Hold up. Rapper dude with a hot leather jacket, dude with a lumberjack. Lots of confusion on this stage. Hold it down Drake. They are going to have to throw away Weezy's mic after this performance because it cannot be used again...ever! I liked that they brought all types of girls on the stage not just LSLH. Cue Baby on stage.. it's taking a turn for the worse..rapping "Always Strapped" Did they really just say "Rest in Peace MJ" then say the N-word in the next sentence? Really? Gonna have to throw Baby's mic away too. This is pure ass!

I'm awake now....MAXWELL!!!! Singing "Pretty Wings"..still a cutie, wish he grew his hair long again. Just him and smoke on stage. He really doesn't need anything else. This is a nice song. Confetti fallin' are these "wings"? Nice effect, 'cept they keep hittin' him in his dome. Couple of spins. That's some grown man ish right dere Maxi! Paid homage to MJ at the end. Yes!!!! 10 out of 10. Let's put this puppy to bed...please.

The O'Jays -- "Let Me Make Love To You"..okay I can't really talk about the O'Jays because old folks are off limits. Eddie can do no wrong anyway. Bless his heart. Next!

Tevin Campbell "Forever Mine" wow...he looks road hard and hung up wet. Poor thing. He still sounds better than a lot of the other acts tonight. He's got that blunt smokin' lips. Stepping from side to side. I guess that's all we're going to get huh TC? He's only on for a quick minute before he introduces Trey Songs, Tyrese, Johnny Gill. I guess he's in the bathroom smoking by now. They're singing "Backstabbers". All dressed in all black. I'm confused. Isn't this supposed to be about Mike? WTF are you singing the O-Jays? Is there some connection that I'm missing? They sound okay. Johnny Gill mushes his lips together like an old man who wants more jello.

Jay-Z, "Death to Autotune"...okay must admit I'm biased about this because this is my husband in my mind. He shut it down very simple. Not brewchies dancing, no hype man, just him bringin' it. B was on stage getting her award when Jamie escorted her back to her seat instead of her walking off to the back. He told her something exciting was about to happen and that's when Jay popped on stage. I was wondering where we was. 10 out of 10. This show can end now.

Keyshia Cole & Monica -- Singing, "When Hoodrats Attack"....just kidding. Singing whatever their new song is. Monica is full dominatrix gear and Keshia in a hotpink picnic outfit. Um, they're both talented..and need to stroll down a different musical road. I'm not feeling this. Standing at the top of some steps? For what? Oh, I get it, the stage is rotating. Wowzer! Keyshia legs look like yellow pixie sticks.

Ciara - I think. Gag me with a hot poker. Singing "Heal the World"...someone heal her voice, stat! Glad they kept that one short.

BBD singing "Poison" yes, I could use some right about now. All the old heads in the crowd are trying to do the wrecks 'n effect. This song is still the shyt though. Ronnie still looks the same. Here come the Brewchies. Actually this performance isn't that bad. It has some energy. Please don't ask the crowd to sing along, clearly they're not. Why are you back on the stage Ne-Yo?

Keeping with the old man in the club theme...Here comes Aaron Hall singing "I Like"....pass the tea and honey to his ass cuz he sounds like he swallowed a hair ball from Rick Ross' beard. No LeBron isn't doing the "shake and bake" to this.

Old man in the club sighting number #7 Keith Sweat and his whiny ass singing "I Wanna". He sounds like ass. Shiny suit and S-curl in effect. Holding his imagination. Who is the little Buckwheat lookin' dude on stage with him? This sucks.

Negro Vu? Nope, it's Jamie Foxx...again. This time he's with Ne-yo so I'll forgive his frequent performances. Now he's at a piano. This dude is a freakin' Prince tonight. They're singing "Independent" remix. Love this song. Again with the ass and the smoke! Ballet? Really? No more gloves people, seriously. Neyo has a red ones. Fabo with a puffy vest making me hot. This is boring....zzzzzzzzz...

Mary Mary - singing "God in Me". I noticed not a lot of people standing on this one. Heathens!!!! Queen Latifah with the long weave rapping, very nice. I like this song and I can't talk about another Christian on a Sunday. Next!

Uh oh -- B's in the house, cue fan machine. Singing Ave Maria..wait is someone getting married? Wonder woman get up. That's still my girl and at least she can sang like the good Creole she is. Uh oh. They're giving her sea amoeba for a skirt. It looks like a placebo. What was the point? Ummmm, I do like this B, not feeling this one she's singing that background song for the third world pet adoption commercial. I've got the sads. Where's the razor? Geeze, can you end on Freakum dress? Now it's snowing. This is eerie as fuck. This is over their heads B. The crowd is probably like Ava who? Who dat?

Soujah Boy Tell Em -- not even sure if I spelled his name right, who gives a fuck. Rapping "Turn My Swag On". What is this low-budget special effect bullshyt? Is that a leather vest? No sir. He took off his vest and lumberjacket. Bird chest. Pants hangin off his ass. Stupid ass. He looks 12 1/2. Camera man can you stop fast zooming, you're making me dizzy as hell. All that zooming and his jumping is not the biz. Uh oh, the porch monkey's off the porch. He's in the crowd, gave Kanye dap. Back on stage and ran off. I give him a 2 1/2.

Jamie Foxx --Singing "Blame It"...came out in all white sweat suit, MJ shirt, brewchies in the background, shameless plug...album cover on a big as bottle of champagne. Lots of smoke and ass. Tyra Banks knows the words to this? WTF? Kayne and his video ho enjoy this song too? Here come the minstrel show that is Snopp wearing a hot ass leather down to his knees. Jamie's a little boring on stage. Here comes T-Pain running up the aisle with his BIG ASS CHAIN. He's sporting a Rick Ross stinky beady beard. I know those mics smell like death and ass. All Shyt!!! Travis Baker is on the drums??!!!! It's about to get stupid now. He's dope. Jamie has a guitar. He really thinks he's a rock star. Didn't Jay do this already?

Ne-yo -- Singing "Lady in My Life" sans hat. Egghead need steze but that boy can! I like Ne-yo ever ever since he told that chubby girl who liked cake that she should lose a few because the biz was shallow as hell. He keeps it real. Back to his noggin, it's big and I can't concentrate. Kept it short and sweet. Goodbye!

Keri Hilson -- She came out on a motorcycle complete with a smoke machine. Rihanna "Bad Girl" steze. Starting singing "Turing me on" then "Knock You Down" , white glittery Michael Jackson socks, cuffed jeans, just surfed into the crowd, that was kind of hot but what if they let her drop? Her outfit is a little plain though. Whole set is tough girl "West Side Story" lookin'....reeks of dykeness...hmmmmm. She's taking off her jacket, doing a little MJ tribute, cute but uhhhh ohhhh she's going rogue, asking the crowd to repeat "when it comes around..." (*crickets*) I'll give her 5 Brews out of 10.

New Edition MJ Tribute -- Oh yeah!!! Old men in the club unite! Started singing "Oh Baby Give Me One More Chance". Their moves are nice, segued into "ABC". Good opening of the show, but these mofos were probably fighting like hell until the curtains rose. Bobbayyyyyyy, your mouf is still crooked. Still good to see them all together. I used to love Ralph. He's looking a little skeletor like. Struggling on some of the notes. I think they're getting winded...

Day 26 -- Singing "I'm A Put It On Her" I'm a turn this off. I can't really say anything bad about these dudes.. Well yes I can. I guess corny nerd glasses are the theme because Mike is looking really "what you talkin' about Willis" with his. Why is Rocsi's accent so freak fake? Que is rocking one glove with his bitchass. Uh, they cut them off, fade to black, show time!

Jeremih singing "Birthday Sex" if these pre-show minstrel acts are any indication of how the show is going to go then we are in trouble...trouble. Again with the backup dancers? I'm mean damn, straight from the stroll to the stage. People please!

Pleasure P -- Coonin' to "Boyfriend Number 2". What is with the twin backup dancers theme? Their jumpsuits are hot though. Uh oh, he's giving a shout out to MJ, while singing that shitastical song? Um, no sir!!!

First up -- LeToya Luckett. I really like this chick because she refuses to bow dow to the Beyonce's machine. But her performance during the pre-show, not so much. LeToya sang "Not Anymore" and I wasn't feeling the sub-par dance routine or her twin backup brewchies at all. She's hot though, no denying that. There's just really no room for her in this "Beyonce-Rihanna world" as Charlemagne put it.

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