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Witches' Brew: August 2009

Monday, August 31, 2009

Breaking Brew News: Cocaine REALLY Kills*

*insert sarcasm

About a third of all the yayo (llello, for my Latin amigos) seized in the United States is laced with a veterinary pill that might give you the high of your life... and kill you at the same time.

The drug is called levamisole. It’s used to de-worm livestock. It may be used to treat certain cancers as well, but it weakens the immune system, opening the door for infections. So far, the drug has been blamed in three deaths in the U.S and Canada.

Doctors say levamisole may give cocaine users a more intense high, making them think they’ve just gotten themselves a good stash of that helluva drug. Of course, most patients who are actually using cocaine won’t admit it to their doctors anyway, and many doctors say they don’t even know what to look for or how to treat levamisole’s effects.

Cops think coke processors are adding the drug to the cocaine before it’s smuggled into the U.S. to stretch out their supplies.

“Just say no” isn’t a bad mantra afterall. Just ask this guy…

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Child Support Chronicles: T-Pain

So, T-Pain can buy big ass chains but he's a stiff when it comes to coughing up the dough for his kid!

T-Pain reportedly visited his lawyer last week to attend a mediation session to resolve a child support claim. His child's mother, Elisa Hood, claims she was scraping by on $2,000 a month in support. T-Pain reportedly earns $15 million a year, owns 40 cars and that $400,000 diamond-studded "Big Ass Chain."

His attorney offered up another $500 per month, bringing the total to a whopping $2,500 for Pain's 2 year old son, King.

Here's the kicker though... T-Pain is married to another woman and had other kids while he was out procreating. (Nagging question: WHO WOULD SLEEP WITH T-PAIN? Doesn't he look like he might smell like a plastic-covered couch in the summertime after your big booty aunt gets up to go make a sammich?) Anyway...

A court date to resolve the child support issue is pending.

So, how does this stack up to other recent child support cases in the world of hip hop?
  • Nas --> Kelis = $44,000 per month (one child)
  • Russell --> Kimora = $40,000 per month (that's 20 grand for each kid) + a new car (worth at least $60,000) every 3 years
  • Diddy --> Kim Porter = ~$150,000 lump sum (for Christian) + $20,000 per month, but then she had the twins! Let's just say no one is going hungry.
  • Diddy --> Misa Hylton-Brim = ~$21,000 per month* (one child) *a legal battle between the two dropped the monthly payments from ~$35,000
Come on Pain! You can sell a couple of those Roger Troutman auto tune things for a few bucks, can'tcha?

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WTF Files: Cry me a river!

What in the Dawnofthedeadhell is going on here? A 15-year-old Tennessee teen doesn't shed crocodile tears he cries blood! His mother has taken him to several specialists and there has been no diagnosis. You know you're up shit creek when doctors have to check on to see what the fock is causing you to cry AB negative! I hate to see what happens when he sneezes, bless his heart!


Brew Beauty: Sh Sh Shugar!!!!

I'm all for spa days. In fact, spa treatments are so important to this Brewchie that Blue Cross and Blue Shield needs to reimburse a sistah for trying to preserve my sexy! However we are in a recession or coming out of one and that means sometimes you gotta n#$garig your beauty game! Enter organic sugar. I use this as a facial scrub a couple of times a week. Any brand will do but you do have to be careful not to scrub too hard and make sure you rub a little bit of your liquid soap with the sugar before you go to town. Rinse well and apply your favorite moisturizer, bu-ti-ful!


Weezy: Are You The Father?

These here internetz are abuzz that Lil Wayne may not be the father of Lauren London’s baby after all. An artist by the name of Push Montana (*crickets chirping*) is said to have been Ms. London’s on again, off again jump off (is there a male equivalent?) for a few years. Supposedly, when this Push dude heard about the baby, he thought maybe he was the daddy.

But, New New is putting that isht to rest. She took to her Twitter page to proclaim Weezy F. Baby as her baby-daddy. Is Twitter the new CNN?

Meanwhile, YBF has what could be the most painful-looking pregnancy photo ever of Weezy’s other baby-mother. Ouch, Nivea!

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Chris Brown Has Amnesia!

Chris Brown says he doesn’t remember hitting Rihanna. Yeah… uh, I don't remember what I watched on TV last night either. But, yeah... anyway.

Brown told CNN’s Larry King that he has no recollection of what happened that fateful February night. Brown said when he heard about the police reports, he did not know what to think.

CB told King that he’s still in love with Rih Rih. But, because of a protective order, he has to stay far, far away from her... or else. Yeah… uh, we believe they're not still seeing each other (*sarcasm*)!

Brown was sentenced to domestic violence counseling, 5 years probation and 180 days of physical labor for the assault.

His interview with King airs Wednesday night on CNN.

Here’s a clip…

Maybe he needs his memory refreshed…

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Brew News: The Latest on DJ AM

Investigators say DJ AM did not commit suicide, but that his death Friday may have been caused by a tragic relapse.

DJ AM had been sober for more than a decade and clean for 4 years. But, after narrowly surviving last September’s plane crash, he reportedly became dependent on Xanax. Doctors had prescribed the drug to help him conquer his fears about flying. But the drug may have sent him back down the road to addiction.

Friends say if it was a relapse, it was very recent.

Meantime, AM’s frequent musical collaborator and fellow plane crash survivor, Travis Barker, tweeted Saturday his "brother is gone… i'll never forget everything we've been thru and every time i play the drums i'll think of you. U were an amazing friend/DJ/human being. Rest In Peace my brother, this really f***s me up."

Sources say AM’s ex-girlfriend, Nicole Richie -who hasn’t spoken publicly- is very upset.

TMZ reports the evidence strongly indicates AM’s cause of death will be a combination of crack cocaine and anxiety-related drugs.

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Macaulay Says: “I’m Not The Baby Daddy”

The UK tabloids are buzzing that “Home Alone” star Macaulay Culkin is the biological father of Michael Jackson’s son, “Blanket.”

Culkin has known the King of Pop since the actor was 10 years old. Sources say Culkin donated sperm to an unknown surrogate mother who gave birth to Prince Michael II (“Blanket”) in 2002.

But, not so fast say Macaulay’s peeps! His press agent says the kid is not Culkin’s son. When asked about the story, Culkin’s rep said, “The inquiries are too preposterous for us to even acknowledge.”

So, the speculation about who really did “beat it” in a cup continues!

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Who Wears The Pants?

We often talk about relationships (the lack-there-of), dating and finding “good” men here at the Brew. But, take a listen to what “COULD” be at the heart of many of these issues: gender roles!

This YouTube “blogger” JunebugObama (I’ma let that slide) has a series of clips he calls “Who Wears The Pants?” Take a listen and tell us what you think. Are men and women fighting for the same roles within relationships? Who needs to step up? Who should fall back? Or, are his views too 1940s for today’s relationships?

Click Taste The Brew for parts 2 and 3.

Part Two

Part Three

So, what’s your call?

Hey Junebug…show your face honey!

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America's Next Top Perv?

A jury convicted up-and-coming designer, Anand Jon Alexander, of raping and fondling several women he lured to L.A. with the promise of making them see big stars. The 34-year-old worked on "America's Next Top Model" and has also listed Mary J. Blige and Paris Hilton as his top clients. The conviction means a mandatory life sentence or at least 67 years. Wait until Debo gets a hold of this dude's "Prit-tay Wings"...Oh, see he's "smiling with his eyes".

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Sunday, August 30, 2009

As Seen On TV: Reptile Goes For Da Nuts!

Note to TV reporter: Keep yo' eye on the jumping animals because the snake is under control!

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Don't Eff with Grandma!

Hide your skillets! A 71 year old North Carolina woman accused of beating her husband with a frying pan is out on bond!

Rosie Lewis was freed from county jail on a $2,500 unsecured bond. She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury for an August 14th argument that went terribly wrong (well, wrong if you're the husband, I reckon).

Police say the fight started when Lewis' 85 year old husband, James, complained about what Rosie made for breakfast. She started working on a second meal but they continued to argue. The argument turned into an all out thrashing when the husband allegedly drew back his cane to hit Miss Rosie.

That's when Rosie said hell to the naw and picked up an iron frying pan and whacked him on the head several times. He needed 50 stitches.

I guess he should just stick with Cream of Wheat and call it a day. No bacon's worth getting beat down for it.


Brew Bits: Amber Rose

I'm all for people living out their childhood fantasies. So if liked Hellraiser over that Barbie bitch, her plastic boo and that big ass condo, do you! No doubt Kanye's Makeup Consultant Amber Rose has injected a huge ass jolt of "different" into the fashion world, but this Alien steze right here I'm not so sure about. Amber spent the weekend in Las Vegas and hosted a swim party at Tao. Hey this Brewchie's body is bangin' so like the ancient Chinese proverb reads: "Make that money, but don't let that money make you". Hey whatever works....

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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Brew News: Crack Found Near DJ AM's Body

New developments in the death of DJ AM: Crack was reportedly found near his body. TMZ reports a bag of crack was found in his groin area and a crack pipe was discovered in his bedroom. There were pill bottles in the kitchen as well.

Autopsy results have not been finalized just yet, since officials are waiting on toxicology tests, the results of which could take weeks.

DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) struggled with crack addiction in the past. He had been working on a reality show with MTV, "Gone Too Far," about staging interventions for drug users. That show was slated to air in October. It's not clear if MTV still plans to air it.

Sources say DJ AM had been depressed about a recent break-up with a girlfriend and that he still dealt with post-traumatic stress from last year's plane crash. Goldstein and drummer Travis Barker were the only survivors of that crash. DJ AM said he often felt guilty or wondered why he survived while four others died.

The 36 year old was found dead in his Manhattan apartment Friday evening.

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Jay-Z Goes One-on-One

I love it when celebrities can actually string a sentence together and have an opinion beyond the kind of car they drive or watch they wear. Jay-Z was a guest on HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher last night. Jay and Bill chopped it up on everything from music to rap egos.

Check it…

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Fantasia's New Career: Stripping?

Well, if those Miss Celie checks don't clear, Fantasia always has a back-up.

Check out Miss Celie in this video with ATL housewife Kandi.

Apparently, Tasia Mae's people aint too happy about this upload.

Notice, Kandi's engagement rock is missing. Hmmmmmmm...

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Brew Fashion: What To Wear For Fall 2009

It’s almost the Jem’s favorite time of year: FALL! Beat it, Summer… with your skin bearing, bathing suit shopping, sweat-stained, 'girl you know you too big to be wearing that sundress' fashions! I’ve had enough of you. Bring on the brisk breeze of Fall!

The dawn of a new season means the dawn of new fashion (and the downfall of my wallet)!

If you’re on the market to up your closet-game for Fall with a few new pieces, here’s what’s good.

Strong Shoulders

Single shoulder and strong shoulder looks are back! The more ‘80s, the better. But be careful not to go too far. We don’t need you putting out people’s eyes on the train. If you’re going for the shoulder statement, keep it streamlined on the bottom!

Knee-High Leather Boots

Whether they grace the knee or reach way above it, you can’t go wrong with a tall boot this season (just make sure they’re leather…or a close cousin). Many designers are taking the trend up to the thighs, proving the thigh-high boot isn’t just for the hookers! I say get you a pair girl! Just make sure you avoid patent red leather. Those could give men the impression you work at the Bunny Ranch.

If you’re thick in the calves or thighs, find yourself a good shoe repair specialist who can alter the boot to make it fit properly. There’s nothing worse than a slouchy boot that’s NOT supposed to slouch!


I’m of the belief that you can never go wrong with a little sparkle, no matter the season. This Fall is no different. Metallics are still “in” but this Fall, designers are putting a colorful spin on their looks. Don’t be afraid to step out of the gold & silver box.

Click Taste The Brew for the rest of the trends.

Capes, Stoles, Wraps

Nothing screams drama like tossing your cape quickly over your shoulder, then exiting the room with at-tit-tude! This season, is all about the dramatic cover-up, be it a cape, stole, wrap or fitted jacket. Get yourself some leather gloves, sunglasses and a stole, then exit the room with drama. Trust, no one will forget you.

Look Good In Leather

There’s a fine line between looking stylish in leather and looking like a regular at the Blue Oyster Bar. It takes a delicate balance of cut, fit and style to stay on the right side of fashion when you’re wearing leather. That a hint from designers like Michael Kors and Alexander Wang who draped and ruched models in leather from head to toe, while always keeping the fit feminine!

Biker Chic

The 2008-2009 military jacket craze has morphed into a classy biker look. Gone are the elaborate bells, whistles and embroidery. Instead, look for the fitted biker jacket that hugs all the right curves. Designers showed them with day and evening wear.

Not bold enough for the biker look? Add it slowly with a biker-inspired bag.

For more Fall/Winter 2009-2010 trends, check out the video below and click here for looks from the collections.

Brew-boys, we can’t leave you out. See what’s hot on the Fall '09 runways for men by clicking here.

And by all means, if there’s one little tidbit I can leave you with for the season: DON’T rock the denim tuxedo! Sure, lots of celebs have rocked this look recently, but my Brewchies are a special bunch. I know ya’ll are not followers.


'Til next time, stay cool 'til the Summer ends... then really heat things up for Fall!

I'll be watching!

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Brew Beauty: Fall Nail Trend

Nail polish and new nail techniques are becoming quite the rage these days. Let's face it, a good manicure is a whole-lot cheaper than the season's new must-have bag.

For you girls who love giving your tips special attention (and brew-boys... hey, we don't judge), top New York manicurist, Jin Soon Choi, is the latest beauty trendsetter to partner with MAC Cosmetics. Soon's Nail Trend F/W '09 collection includes six very pigmented, opaque shades that are must-haves for Fall.

The shades include a full-bodied purple (For Fun), a dark blue/green color (Beyond Jealous), a blackened-brown (Rich, Dark, Delicious), an olive green (Dry Martini), a hearty red (Dance All Night) and a gray lavender (Cool Reserve, not shown below).

Each bottle is $12 and there are base and top coats available (for sale) with the collection.

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Music Soothes the Soul

My plan was to get up bright and early and hit the gym but I started watching the Sen. Ted Kennedy funeral and got a major case of the sads. I hate to say it but this was like a summer of death. DJ AM's death truly surprised me but didn't shock me entirely. Nothing does anymore. His near death experience last year in a plane crash may have riled up some demons that could not be silenced, but we'll never know, nor should we judge. I do believe in celebrating a person's life, not death. Music always makes me feel better. Check DJ AM's friend Travis Barker as he kicks his version of "Crank Dat". Random selection I know but Barker and DJ AM were the sole survivors of that crash last year and God only knows what he's going through right about now. Hearing good beats from someone so talented can do a lot for the soul..Kick it T:

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Brew Health: Get Skinny with Your Cell

We’re all trying to take better care of our health these days. Well, we should be. Turns out, your cell phone could be the key to losing weight.

A customized weight loss application from Sensei Inc. gives information on proper dieting and exercise in real time. The tool helped one man drop from 205 lbs. to 155 lbs. in six months. That’s about 25% of the 5’9” man’s body mass!

The Sensei program recommends food to purchase for meals at home. But, as with most of us with busy schedules these days, the application can be altered on the fly if you find yourself in a situation where you must pick up food on the go. The application searches a database and tells you what’s good for your diet at that restaurant.

Sensei is available for Blackberries for $9.99 in the BlackBerry App World online store. Other mobile users will have to pay $15 a month for it.

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Happy Birthday King of Pop (Gone Too Soon)

Happy Birthday to the King of Pop!

Today would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birthday. In some circles, folks speculate he's somewhere celebrating on an island with Tupac and Elvis. But, by all accounts, it seems the legend has left the building. But, fret not, you can rock with the King all day today, thanks to a slew of specials* in his honor.

"The Michael Jackson Story" (1 pm, 7 pm, 10 pm) on TV One

"Michael Jackson: Remember His Time" (5-11 pm) on Fuse

"Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration -- The Solo Years" (8 pm, 11 pm) on TV One

Remembering Michael all day on E!
  • "Michael Jackson: The E! True Hollywood Story" (4 pm, 8 pm)
  • "Forbes Presents Michael Jackson" (3 pm, 10 pm)
  • "E! News Special: The Death of Michael Jackson" (3:30 pm)
  • "Michael Jackson: An E! Entertainment Special" (2 pm, 6 pm)
Remembering Michael on BET
  • "Michael Jackson: 10 Things You Didn't Know" (10:30 pm)
  • "Michael Jackson: Life of a Superstar" (1 pm, 6 pm, 9 pm)
  • "Michael Jackson: The King of Pop" (7 pm)
  • "Michael: Our Icon" (10 pm)
*All times Eastern

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Extreme Bitchassness Case #4657: The Ex

Being single in a city full of singles afford me the opportunity to meet a host of gentlemen of all types and shapes. Since I've always been a guy's girl, I have collected a few, let's call them "friendboys", who turn to me when it's time to discuss their girl game. The other day one of these friendboys told me that he heard his ex-girlfriend had moved on. Nothing new, life goes on, blah, blah, blah, BUT now we gots the internetz and the stalkers application called Facebook. So of course this dude checks out his ex's new beau and apparently he was no stunna. So does this guy relish in this little fun fact and go on about his life? Nooooooooo. This is where the story takes a left at Narcissistic Ave. Dude picks up the phone, calls his ex and lets her know that he's the better catch? He basically breaks her down and by the end of the convo she's upset and he's satisfied. Lesson here? Sometimes your ex's selection in mates might not make sense to you, and it's cool to talk with your friends about how the new boo looks like Gollum, but why point that out to your ex? If there are no feelings there anymore what's the point? Are all men really this egotistic?....Discuss.

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Friday, August 28, 2009


Damn, Damn, Damn! I'd lick Larry King's liver spots on a reg for these shoes. Thanks Jak & Jil!

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Tweet Talk: 'Tardy For The Party" Tee.....

Kim tweeted that this t will be available shortly for sale..... so are you on "Team Kim"??? Oh Yeah and stop H8in on her! DANG!

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Breaking Brew News: DJ AM Found Dead

The apparent summer of celebrity death continues. TMZ reports DJ AM was found dead in his NYC apartment this afternoon.

Sources say drug paraphernalia (a pipe) and/or prescription bottles were found at the scene.

DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) had not been heard from in days. A friend went to check on him, then called police when he got no response. Police broke down the door and found his body.

You'll recall that DJ AM (Nicole Richie's former boyfriend) survived a plane crash in South Carolina along with drummer Travis Barker. DJ AM and Barker were the only survivors.

AM's last Twitter update (posted on August 25th) reads: "New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york aint always what it seems."


Stick with the Brew for the latest on this developing story.

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Brew Fashion: Thank Ye White Jesus!

It seems like the Universe is taking heed to the Witches' Brew advice:


Rihanna covers September's Italian Vogue- I'm feeling her Pretty Grace Jones steeze.
(FeFe Dobson sticks another pin in the Fenty voodoo doll)

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Click for Crazy

In Whooty news..actress Anne Heche has apparently gotten a dose of the good good. She went off on her ex, Coley Laffon (wtf kind of name is that?), on Letterman calling him a lazy deadbeat who lives off her checks. Um, TMI perhaps? Well Annie, welcome to the lovely world of beebeh daddies!
Check it:


Brew Aha Moment: Other People Have Random Thoughts Too!

As we all get older, age mature, I'm sure we find ourselves having those "aha" moments. Ok, maybe it's not a "Live Your Best Life"-Come To White Jesus moment, but sometimes small discoveries are enough to get you by for the day. Anywho, a friend forwarded this list to me today about the random things people in their 30s think about. After doing a little Googlin', I found tons of other similar lists. Now, I'm comforted in knowing I'm not the only one with such random thoughts!

So, read along...then add your own "aha" moments or random thoughts in the comments section below.

- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone is laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Click Taste The Brew to read the rest...

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. "I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl/guy, I'm terrified of mentioning something she/he hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Thanks Jaymie for the tip!

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Cheaters Never Win

So many things are wrong with this...

A) His tittays are bigger than mine

B) And I'm kinds jealous of those D cups

C) Why is the cousin always the ride-or-die bish?

D) If the hotel towels won't wrap around you, it's time to call Jenny

E) When a man cheats, is it really worth it to bring a camera crew along?

F) Aren't you demeaning yourself in the process?

G) You got kids??? Kids can Google!

H) If she was a stripper, shouldn't she want her face uncensored? I mean, all publicity is good publicity in certain professions, right?

I) And after all this, you know they're back together and on baby #3 (his titty meat is probably a G cup by now, so he does all the breast feeding)


Extreme WTF Files: Kidnapping solved!

This story makes me want to jump head first in a vat of bleach! A California girl, kidnapped nearly twenty years ago, has been reunited with her family. Jaycee Lee Dugard was 11 when sick mofo Phillip Garrido snatched her from a school bus stop. The convicted sex offender allegedly kept her in the backyard since then continually raping her and even fathered two children with Jaycee. All while he and his wife lived together. Those children, who are now 11 and 5, have never been to school. Police say they lived in the backyard with an outhouse and very little else. WTF?! They got busted when this little dysfunctional bunch showed up at the Garrido's parole hearing. This is some Deliverance ish fo real! How to you recover from something like this? Where were the focking neighbors? This is just a big dose of sad pie right here! "Hell's calling, line 4!"